Is it ok?

[Ellis85]

I'm feeling a bit lost, and I haven't been able to speak to anyone else about this.

I have no kids of my own, and have been with my partner for 20 months, who has two kids (6 and 9) from his marriage which ended three years ago. Their relationship is probably the most amicable I've ever seen, and they have 50/50 custody of the kids. I get along really well with the kids, and we spend a lot of time together.

9 has had some health problems this year, having been diagnosed with diabetes a few months ago, and during the course of that diagnosis, they found a hole in her heart. It's been a difficult time for 9, obviously, having to learn all things Type 1, it's been difficult for her mum, obviously, as she worries when 9 is with us, and it's difficult for my partner, who feels that he's completely unable to relax when the kids are with us, because we're constantly monitoring 9's diabetes, and it's often a battle of wills. I find it difficult to see my partner so stressed out, and it's weird now that his ex is in extremely regular contact, even more so than before, as she's continuously checking up on how 9 is.

Our relationship has definitely suffered as a result. My partner understands that it's difficult that his ex is in so much contact, but there's not really anything we can do about it - and he's reluctant to rock the boat.

This week, we found out that there was a short notice appointment for 9's surgery to repair the hole in her heart. My partner assumed that I'd want to be there, and I did, I made plans to work from a different office in the same town as the children's hospital, so that I'd be able to support my partner, and see 9 after work, once she'd had the surgery. It is keyhole surgery, and she should only be in hospital overnight.

However, my partner got a text when he hold his ex that I'd be going, saying that she'd 'prefer it to just be the three' of them. I was flummoxed, and didn't feel I had a right to argue the point, and it was left at that.

Yesterday, the three of them drove the couple of hours to the town the hospital is in, all three stayed over night in my partner's sister's house there and spent the night there, and all three are in the hospital now.

I feel like I'm going a bit mad. I'm incredibly hurt, I do genuinely understand that 9 needs to come first, but feel betrayed by my partner for not trying to stand up for me. I asked him how it made him feel, and he simply said that he felt uncomfortable having to tell me what his ex had asked. I'm also not sure how well I'm going to cope next time we hang out with his ex, which used to happen fairly regularly.

Has anyone got any perspective on this they are willing to share?

Or maybe both parents wanted to be as close as possible to their child in the hours before she had heart surgery, in case God forbid the worst happened. Maybe the 'boundaries' of a relatively recent girlfriend weren't at the forefront of their minds at that point. Why should the mother be separated from her child overnight so that someone on the periphery of the situation doesn't get upset? Unless the child should go with her to a hotel instead of the comfort of her aunt's house with both her parents.

@CurlyRover it's not about cheating, it'about dynamics and ensuring everyone involved is considered

It's not everyone though, it's the SM, and only to alleviate her insecurities issues. There are no such clear definition of boundaries, appropriateness, reasonableness. All these are subjective and usually based on individual needs.

What I really don't get is that you haven't offered any suggestions about how you could make it work so that OP could feel happy? Should she demand that she goes up with her OH and both stay in a hotel? Then what? The girl has to come to the hotel in the evening, or should OP join her OH at his sister, which could be quite overwhelming and awkward.

Then what the following day? They all fuss over the girl, taking turn, then all seat on the bed, conversing together until the child comes back and then again, all three take turn to fuss over her?

All this so that OP is reassured that her OH is not getting close to his ex again, or so that the message is clear that she is very important in the life of her SD to the mum, or prove to herself that the girl needs her by her side as much as her two parents?

OP, it seems that you get along well with the mum as you say that you hang out together.

I'm also not sure how well I'm going to cope next time we hang out with his ex, which used to happen fairly regularly
I don't understand this. What do you mean by 'coping'. Coping with what? One poster made one great suggestion and cited how you could be there for your OH. Then when you all meet again, you could keep your head high that you were there too to help from a distance. Or do you have an agenda with the ex, needing to show her that you're 'the one' now and needing to prove it by always being next to your OH?

You are of course entitled to feel the way you do, no-one can take this away from you, but hopefully this thread will help you realise that you don't have to feel that way because her request wasn't about excluding you to have your OH for her but to make the situation best for her DD.

Its a very difficult case I do get that totally but I think that everyone thinks differently and thats ok, This child isnt used to having its parents together as they are 50/50 and have been also doing this the whole time since this child has been diagnosed with a whole in the heart. They have had nights sleeping apart I personally dont, see it as a necessity that their Mum and Dad have to be together BUT they do. And they HAVE. Because thats what THEY wanted to do.
Everyone is different and its ok to have different opinions.

Well thats good for you pallisers if that would be really important to you that your daughter would have both parents sleeping with her then that would be your choice.

Well yes. And it was the choice of the parents in this case, including the OP"s partner. They weren't in a hotel room together - they were in the kid's aunt's house.

These things will have worked themselves out for people who have been married for years and operating as step parents for years - like you PrettyLovely. But the OP has been going ut with this man for 20 months. Presumably she was introduced to his children about 6 months in so she knows them about a year. It really isn't too difficult to understand why an ex wife wouldn't want a fairly new partner to be staying with them all or at the hospital in these circumstances. It isn't like a birthday party - it is a serious and difficult occasion. This really isn't the moment for OP to start thinking her partner isn't standing up for her and worrying about boundaries and inappropriateness etc. and tbf I think encouraging her to do so will not help her relationship at all.

Just to add, what you should attach an importance to is how much contact your OH will have with you during that time. I would expect him to be in regular contact but message, calling you in the evening before to tell you how he feels about the surgery, seeking your support, and then texting you throughout the day to update you.

"Well yes. And it was the choice of the parents in this case, including the OP"s partner."
I did just say that...

"Just to add, what you should attach an importance to is how much contact your OH will have with you during that time. I would expect him to be in regular contact but message, calling you in the evening before to tell you how he feels about the surgery, seeking your support, and then texting you throughout the day to update you."
I also agree with this.

yeah I cross posted Pretty - didn't see your second post.

It's hard to understand that some adults would decide that their 'boundaries' were more important than the comfort of a young child undergoing heart surgery and making life as easy as possible for the parents I guess. To me choosing that moment to bleat on about your feelings, boundaries, dictating what should happen would be a massive red flag.

💯 percent agree could you imagine if a SD posted this else on aibu for instance he would be told he is controlling abusive and op would be told to LTB and put the needs of her child’s first and fore most including her dc df.

Not really. OP was told not to be there by the ex wife. This is putting the ex wife first. DP is doing what ex wife requested.

Would you prefer he ignore the child's mother and do what the op wants?

Perhaps the mother feels it's in her child's best interests to only have her parents there. This would be logical and certainly how I would feel in this situation. Maybe ops partner feels the same way and is conveniently laying the blame at his ex's door...

Either way, the child is going to be the centre of attention with both her parents fussing over her. That's the important thing, not an adult woman's hurt pride.

Holy shit Debbie!

I have been a sm for 14 years and if I tried to make serious surgery my dss was having into a her(ex) or me scenario I would expect my dh to leave me tbh.

He is a step dad to my dd and I would be fucking raging if he said any of that shit to me.

I've been with my DP for 7 years. I wouldn't expect him to accompany me for something like this and he wouldn't expect me to either. Debbie you need to take a long hard look at your relationship if you would have a problem with this.

OP you have provoked quite a debate!
How did the surgery go? I hope all is well with your partner’s daughter.

I think that the solution that they came up with is the fairest. Mum and Dad are equally worried about their child and the sister is helping them practically, emotionally and financially by hosting them for a night. So often on MN, you see Mums rights prioritised over Dads but these parents are working as an equal team for the sake of their daughter.

I hope that you follow the sage advice of offering practical help like looking after the sibling and being available by phone or text should your partner need you because that's the best way of helping in this situation. As mentioned already, should you have gone, you'd be waiting in the corridor alone while the parents sat with their child (2 adult limit). It'll be much easier for your partner to focus on his girl than worry about your needs too.

I hope that the surgery is a success and that she has a speedy recovery.

I find Debbie's and some of the other step mum's comments really depressing. A complete lack of empathy, desperate insecurity and foot stamping insistence that they be centre stage at the expense of a young child gong through a difficult time.
Thank goodness the step mums I know in real life are nothing like you. Your poor SC.

I know you’ve had a huge amount of replies OP so not sure that you are still reading this. I am a SM however I do think it is perfectly understandable that her mother only wants the three of them. This is their child and it’s very emotional.

Be in the background supporting your partner.

OP - one of my DCS had major surgery and a trip to PICU about 18 months after EX left.

His DP was the biggest pain in the arse. She phoned virtually every half an hour on the day of the op. Think 6hours of surgery, EX was a mess and I ended up having to manage him and my over riding panic.

She was insecure abut us spending time together - believe me romance, relationships were the furthest thing form my mind.

We had agreed every other night we would swap who stayed - she threw a paddy every one of his nights and I stayed ( not an issue for me, but EX v upset as was DC)

As he got better, the phone calls kept coming all a crisis that needed his attention, the day we took home, she wanted EX not to drive us.

Butt out 20 months is nothing - this is about a v scared 9 yr old, whose life has just gone nuclear and she will want mum and dad - not you.

threw a paddy

Threw a tantrum.

(No intention of derailing)

OP was told not to be there by the ex wife. This is putting the ex wife first. DP is doing what ex wife requested.

Just an idea, but is it at all possible the ex wife knows what her daughter needs better than the OP and some internet people? I saw it possible she knows the child just wants her Mum and dad there and being 9, her Mum is saying it for her, because sometimes children don’t really like telling people they don’t want them there.

@debbieday888 I agree with everything you say 100%, I couldn’t put it better. Thank god for someone talking sense !

There’s a surprise 😂

Another insightful response from you! @woman 😂 you really are a genius.

Aww thanks Hun, keep up the good work. Everyone appreciates it.

Weddingplanningandlovingit You’re as bad as Debbie I pity your step children especially if you’re marrying their df if you can’t see how appalling wrong op is being!

LOL! You managed to work me out from two short sentences. Another genius.