Is it ok?

[Ellis85]

I'm feeling a bit lost, and I haven't been able to speak to anyone else about this.

I have no kids of my own, and have been with my partner for 20 months, who has two kids (6 and 9) from his marriage which ended three years ago. Their relationship is probably the most amicable I've ever seen, and they have 50/50 custody of the kids. I get along really well with the kids, and we spend a lot of time together.

9 has had some health problems this year, having been diagnosed with diabetes a few months ago, and during the course of that diagnosis, they found a hole in her heart. It's been a difficult time for 9, obviously, having to learn all things Type 1, it's been difficult for her mum, obviously, as she worries when 9 is with us, and it's difficult for my partner, who feels that he's completely unable to relax when the kids are with us, because we're constantly monitoring 9's diabetes, and it's often a battle of wills. I find it difficult to see my partner so stressed out, and it's weird now that his ex is in extremely regular contact, even more so than before, as she's continuously checking up on how 9 is.

Our relationship has definitely suffered as a result. My partner understands that it's difficult that his ex is in so much contact, but there's not really anything we can do about it - and he's reluctant to rock the boat.

This week, we found out that there was a short notice appointment for 9's surgery to repair the hole in her heart. My partner assumed that I'd want to be there, and I did, I made plans to work from a different office in the same town as the children's hospital, so that I'd be able to support my partner, and see 9 after work, once she'd had the surgery. It is keyhole surgery, and she should only be in hospital overnight.

However, my partner got a text when he hold his ex that I'd be going, saying that she'd 'prefer it to just be the three' of them. I was flummoxed, and didn't feel I had a right to argue the point, and it was left at that.

Yesterday, the three of them drove the couple of hours to the town the hospital is in, all three stayed over night in my partner's sister's house there and spent the night there, and all three are in the hospital now.

I feel like I'm going a bit mad. I'm incredibly hurt, I do genuinely understand that 9 needs to come first, but feel betrayed by my partner for not trying to stand up for me. I asked him how it made him feel, and he simply said that he felt uncomfortable having to tell me what his ex had asked. I'm also not sure how well I'm going to cope next time we hang out with his ex, which used to happen fairly regularly.

Has anyone got any perspective on this they are willing to share?

Just an idea, but is it at all possible the ex wife knows what her daughter needs better than the OP and some internet people? I saw it possible she knows the child just wants her Mum and dad there and being 9, her Mum is saying it for her, because sometimes children don’t really like telling people they don’t want them there.

Just an idea..9year old really likes her step mum and doesn't mind her being there but MUM doesn't want her there and the 9year old will always pick up on mums feelings and prioritise..thats how loyality binds work and they come from the birth parents insecurities

Im always intrigued on threads when say, two people, give an insane opinion and despite maybe, 30 people pointing out why they are clearly wrong, they still insist they MUST be right.
I wonder if they are like that in real life...it's puzzling.

Pull the other leg whitecat I have a 9 year old he would want his mother and father there if he was to have a serious operation not a “step parent” I use that term loosely because she isn’t she’s her df gf who might not even be on the scene in a year or too there. Also as someone stated they operate a 2 to bed policy so would the dm have to take herself away from her child so op could sit with her when no doubt the child will have longner connections to actual family members! You’re just talking a load of shit because you think it’s everyone bashing step mothers when in reality lots of sms have agreed it’s not ops place.

Just an idea..9year old really likes her step mum and doesn't mind her being there but MUM doesn't want her there and the 9year old will always pick up on mums feelings and prioritise..thats how loyality binds work and they come from the birth parents insecurities

Her stepmum? She is with the dad for 20 months. I doubt very much that the 9 year old needs the OP there or is figuring out how to keep her unreasonable mum happy to the detriment of her own needs. She is probably scared and nervous and hasn't given a thought to the OP as long as her mum and dad are with her.

This is about the child and her parents. It isn't a birthday party or school play the OP hasn't been invited to. It is a serious event which doesn't require invitations to keep everyone happy.

Honestly, if you cannot make heart surgery of all things about the child and not yourself as the partner, then it is hopeless.

thats how loyality binds work and they come from the birth parents insecurities

I just googled 'loyalty binds' and this comes from the firts site ..

Loyalty binds are common for kids when a parent remarries. They occur even when the divorce has been amicable. If the child has an especially close relationship with a parent, the bind can be even stronger. How can they accept Mom’s new husband and still stay loyal to their dad? For children, it can feel like a betrayal to love (or even like) a stepparent.

Nothing to do with "birth parents insecurities" WhiteCat1704

OP it can be boiled down simply to this - if you know the needs of the 9 year old having surgery genuinely come first then why is this an issue. It is the solution that does put their needs front and centre and makes it all about them.

Its not about whether the 9 year old minds her step mum being there but having her their changes the dynamic and shifts it away from the focus being her - as for demanding updates no, leave it let him focus on his daughter - he will thank you for it

Oh @WhiteCat1704 you're hilarious. It's not the parents insecurities causing the problems (notice I dropped your use of birth parent as it's not applicable or necessary)

Yeah, sure whitecat, that’s what it’ll be. The 9 year old going in for heart surgery will want her dad’s girlfriend there in hospital with her. I often want people I’ve known only months with me when I’m scared and vulnerable.

Hell im a fully grown adult and I was in so much pain during labour and childbirth, I really wanted my dad’s girlfriend there but he doesn’t have one so I had to settle for calling for my mum instead. It was awful.

I don't think you have tried to make the situation all about you, as others have suggested. You are trying to be supportive and kind.

Lol @ awomanisanadult beautifully expressed.

Just waiting for Northernspirit to come to the thread and say how unreasonable the girls mother is. It always seems to be the same three or four posters who are so anti their stepchilds mother they don’t seem to see what is an reasonable request especially with such a vulnerable time.

Hmm, been thinking about how I would feel if it was my DS having major surgery. No question he’d want both parents with him but I think both exH and I would also want our partners nearby for our own emotional support. Child surgery sounds incredibly traumatic and I can’t imagine getting through the wait outside the operating theatre without DH (DSS’s much lived SD). I’m sure exH would feel the same about his wife - we’re long divorced and although we co-parent neither of us can provide emotional support to the other, nor would we want to. Our partners provide that.

So we would probably travel up in two cars, book two hotels etc. It would be parents only by the bedside but partners would be nearby in the hospital as a shoulder to cry on for the parents.

I wonder if the issue here for the OP is that she feels her DH is using his ex for emotional support rather than her? I can understand the OP feeling a bit confused if so.

As a PP said, OP, it’s likely your DP will be texting and on the phone to you regularly - try and be his rock while he goes through this difficult time.

And if he doesn’t seem to need your support, or is still emotionally reliant on his ex, well, I think that tells you something else.

Please try to think more about this poor 9 year old little girl having heart surgery (!!!) and less about yourself! Be kind to your partner, it sounds like a horrible situation for him.

The mother's wishes are perfectly reasonable. You are struggling with the increased level of contact since the diabetes diagnosis and the heart issue...yet that is entirely child related.

You sound somewhat jealous of the fact they drove down together...maybe this isn't the relationship for you anymore.

All was well until the health issues...which seem to have made you start feeling insecure.

You definitely had no place at the hospital and I'm suprised you thought you did tbh. She has her parents there and they'll support each other...which I think is your fear.

I think it's fairly natural to feel hurt, but as PPs have said, you need to try and remember that this is solely about their daughter.

You're insecure, that's understandable but 9's major surgery is more important. Have some trust. If you can't, then reevaluate whether or not this relationship is for you.

I would love the OP to come back and explain a few things.

I would also like to know how the surgery went - hope all is OK and the little girl recovers quickly.

Just an idea..9year old really likes her step mum and doesn't mind her being there but MUM doesn't want her there and the 9year old will always pick up on mums feelings and prioritise..thats how loyality binds work and they come from the birth parents insecurities
Of course that's a possibility and to be very fair on OP who has clearly decided not to come back to this thread, her OH has 50/50 custody, so she will most likely have build a stronger bond with OP that if it was a case of EOW. We also don't know how involved OP is. We do know that she is making enough of an effort that she too is amicable with the mum. So maybe, there is indeed a stronger bond between this child and OP than most have assumed here.

BUT, the OP herself has said that mum has said that she would prefer that OP didn't come. Now those are not the words of an insecure controlling parent, but the one who is trying to give hints that it might not be the best thing to do. Still it left it open enough that OP's OH could have insisted, but he didn't and agree.

So all in all, I think from this at least, we can conclude that the decision wasn't based on mum's insecurities. Insecure mums rarely remain in amicable contact with the ex and are happy to interact with the sm either, so very unlikely to be the case here.

OP, if you are still reading, I hope the operation went well and you'll get to see your SD soon and give her many cuddles.

You probably feel hurt because you want to be there to offer your support, but you can do that afterwards. If she doesn't know you properly she'll want all her time focusing on her child and not wanting to make small talk. On the other hand, we don't know the mother either and could be using the situation to stamp her ranking, her as mother trumps potential step mother, but that's the way it'll always be I'm afreaid. Let your thoughts be with the child getting through the surgery right now, as others have said, is hats all that matters.

Oops as that's all that matters that should say.

Debbie This is an open forum and strangely enough, many step-parents post here.

OP, you speak fairly and honestly and it's clear from your post that you're respectful of the shared parenting situation. It's also clear that you adore the little ones and do your best for them. A Mum couldn't ask for more, so loads of respect to you.

That said, navigating step-parenting can be tough and painful. This situation highlights how tough it can be, but you have to just pick yourself up from this and keep moving forward. It must be an incredibly distressing day and factoring the new (but lovely) girlfriend in to the dealings will probably be too much for this Mum. That's not to undermine your value, but the Mum is simply at a point where she wants to focus 100% on her daughter and she has nothing to spare anyone else. If this were me (and I've had similar) I'd take a deep breath and send your partner AND the Mum a text to say something along the lines of "am on standby if you need anything - a coffee, a sandwich or a hand-hold. Thinking of you all and praying for the best for 9".

This will take some doing, but it WILL help towards restoring the balance for you all.

I hope the little girl is ok.

You sound lovely and that you're an awesome step mum but I also think it's best that it's just her parents that go with her xx

9year old really likes her step mum and doesn't mind her being there but MUM doesn't want her there

Are you suggesting that in a situation such as the OP describes (heart surgerywith both parents), the child’s mother should have to step aside so the stepmother gets some time at her bedside? Can you really imagine that a child would say ‘Can one of you, my parents, step away from my bedside so my step mum of 20 months can be here?’ More importantly, do you really feel a mother should even have to give this head space when her child is facing heart surgery?

It never crossed my mind to have my DD's stepdad at hospital when she had appendicitis. We were married and living together too.

It was me and her dad.

I would imagine her mother and your partner have a lot more on there mind then worrying about your feelings. It's bloody heart surgery ffs.

I think there’s a common theme on this board where childless stepmums really over egg their importance in their SDC’s lives. Because they have no children of their own they think helping a parent they’re saying look after their child makes them a parent themselves. No, it really doesn’t and it is not comparable at all. I say this both as a mother and stepmother.
No way should the SP’s be pushing their own agenda in these circumstances. Respect the boundaries of their family unit and let your DP look after the needs/wants of his child.
You’ve only been in this child’s life a short time OP, you are not their parent you are dad’s gf. Even if you’d been there since the child was tiny then it is still ok for her parents to want to support their child alone.

And to the comment that they are no longer a family... OF COURSE THEY ARE! My ex is still my family as we share a child, I still care for him even though we decided we didn’t want to be romantically involved anymore. I think the attitude that you no longer need involvement or to be kind to each other because you are no longer in a relationship is exactly why so many split families experience issues.
My DP still considers his ex his family and will help her out, he’s a decent kind man and I love how he treats the mother of his children.