Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Step parents and maintenance

430 replies

Anon197 · 01/06/2018 15:58

Just a quick one...

My DH recently lost his job and is struggling to find work. My income is the only income (no support benefits wise).

We have two very young children together and he has a child with his ex.

They share custody and when my step child is at ours I pay for everything.

His ex has thrown a wobbler because I won’t pay a proportion of my wage to her.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
tryharderrepeat · 01/06/2018 22:42

Oh whatever. OP will comfort herself and do what she wants validation to do anyhow.

Makes me sick but that makes no odds to what's going to happen

TwoDots · 01/06/2018 22:44

They don't want to take her child from her. Fucking hell, paranoid much? He probably offered to lighten the load if the child had childcare usually etc

No one is trying to do over the ex financially and take her child away ffs. You're going over the top

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 01/06/2018 22:44

In reality - one child suffers most
Not really, unless the mother prevents the child seeing her dad:
1 child not all the time + 1 adult on a full time wage
vs 2 adults + 2 children ft + 1 child part of the time on one full time wage.
Obviously we don’t know wages vs outgoings, but assuming no one is earning a fortune that’s a big difference in the number of people to fund on one income.

NeverTwerkNaked · 01/06/2018 22:47

That’s not how the thread reads two . She talks about them having the child “full time”. And how as they “already” have the child “half time” it “won’t be much of a stretch to find the extra food”. If they have the child “full time” when does the mother see her?

takeittakeit · 01/06/2018 22:47

The RP will end up supporting her child because they have no choice.

The NRP has a choice.

there is the problem. The RP will end up subsidising the NRPs lifestyle, work, new children, lack of work etc.

The RP has every right to get pissed off with the NRP

funinthesun18 · 01/06/2018 22:48

And people like you make me sick tryharderrepeat. You're basically saying that the op's household can just live in poverty as long as the ex's household is ok and isn't affected. You've contradicted yourself in so many posts when you've said all children should be equal. But you would be happy knowing that op's kids haven't eaten so long as her husband's ex hasn't been affected. That basically what could happen if the op paid the ex money.

I really hope she does find comfort from this thread I really do. Because she has done absolutely nothing wrong.

NeverTwerkNaked · 01/06/2018 22:49

Exactly takeit

And it’s clear there is a “choice” here as they can afford to pay more for the child but only on their terms (they get “full time” custody).

Dad decided to have more babies - he shouldn’t get to abdicate responsibility for the first child.

TwoDots · 01/06/2018 22:49

Then she said never that weekends etc could be given to the mum

You are spinning everything out of control and going way over the top. You clearly have your issues

Original poster
Anon197 · 01/06/2018 22:50

takeittakeit she not pissed off with him she’s just threatening and insulting me.

OP posts:
NeverTwerkNaked · 01/06/2018 22:50

funinthesun no one is going without food here! Indeed the op has said they would be able to feed DSD “full time” as well as the other children.

Original poster
Anon197 · 01/06/2018 22:51

And saying he won’t see her unless I give her money

OP posts:
TwoDots · 01/06/2018 22:51

Haha now the ex is finding the op and her family's lifestyle? You're a piece of work you really are

I've never come across a poster so entitled

Typical entitled ex otherwise known as the golden uterus

tryharderrepeat · 01/06/2018 22:52

The money isn't for the OPs ex is it?

It's for her partners child.

Yeah I'm sure OP is going to be in dire straits should she see some contribution made towards one of his children. Hmm

Poor OP is already in utter poverty cancelling gym memberships and reducing phone contracts

Meanwhile there are families who exist on food banks and don't have £30 day trips

TwoDots · 01/06/2018 22:52

*funding

funinthesun18 · 01/06/2018 22:52

she not pissed off with him she’s just threatening and insulting me

Oh tell her to piss off op and don't engage with her after that. You're both in hard times at the moment not just her.

Pleasebeafleabite · 01/06/2018 22:53

If OPs household is living in poverty it’s squarely at the door of a certain sahd who now has three children who are solely being supported by their mothers

And yet here is OP beefing with the ex. I feel some introspection may be required

Jasperoonicle · 01/06/2018 22:53

OP I feel for you. I have been reading the thread with interest because I am the single mum of one and my ex married again and has two more with his new wife.
Recently he was out of contract with one job and looking for another and I was worried that I would not get maintenance for my child because whereas I rely on the money I get for my child, his wife would also be relying on his wages for their two and like you, she works but would not be financially able to support me/my child along with everything else in her home.
Now, we luckily did not have to go down the road of arguing the toss because he got a new job however if he were to have suggested he become a SAHD for a time and take my child instead of my paying childminder fees for afterschool then I would have been over the moon as my childcare per month is more than my maintenance would be!

No I do not think you should be the one to stand up and have to pay his maintenance if there is an option of childcare in lieu but I do see it from both sides. The ex is used to this money coming into her home every month and I guess has worked her life around it but if you cannot afford it then really there is no other way around it. You should not be flamed for it.

I hope your dh gets a new job soon - not only to sort out this mess but for his mental health because it really is soul destroying being out of work for any length of time.

Original poster
Anon197 · 01/06/2018 22:53

nevertwerknaked how much do you think it takes to feed one more person at meal times? We don’t live if caviar and edible gold.
We already have everything else needed for SD, and we wouldn’t refuse access or want maintenance

OP posts:
TwoDots · 01/06/2018 22:53

Try harder, the op is supporting the child almost half the week. The ex can do the same

NeverTwerkNaked · 01/06/2018 22:53

I’m not projecting -i’m a step mum, just I know how I would handle this. Indeed I already work more hours that DP’s ex and some of that overtime goes on stuff for her kids.

CristalTipps · 01/06/2018 22:54

we still have his child every weekend and school holiday

Earlier in the thread you said you share custody. Weekends and holidays are not shared custody.

But she can't access your money so don't pay, especially if you can't afford to. You're all struggling while he's out of work, she'll have to struggle along with you.

funinthesun18 · 01/06/2018 22:54

Yeah I'm sure OP is going to be in dire straits should she see some contribution made towards one of his children.

Could happen. They've just lost a big chunk of household income. And yes she has done sensible things to save money Eg cancelling gym memberships and phone contracts.

Perhaps the ex should be doing the same?

NeverTwerkNaked · 01/06/2018 22:55

Why do you want more though? Why do you feel now is the time to ask for t? You’re already stretched, why take on more responsibility for feeding DsD? what ever the “not much” it would cost to feed her is, just quantify that and offer to pay it- as clearly you can afford to contribute that much if it’s on your terms. It’s not hard to see that that is the decent thing to do.

CristalTipps · 01/06/2018 22:55

Weekends and holidays or 50/50?

Original poster
Anon197 · 01/06/2018 22:58

twodots 😂😂

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread