Step parents and maintenance

[Anon197]

Just a quick one...

My DH recently lost his job and is struggling to find work. My income is the only income (no support benefits wise).

We have two very young children together and he has a child with his ex.

They share custody and when my step child is at ours I pay for everything.

His ex has thrown a wobbler because I won’t pay a proportion of my wage to her.

What would you do?

Fuck me sideways, there are some thick as shit, willfully ignorant people on this thread.

OP - like fuck would I pay his ex money.

Op are you saying you have her all holidays.
So this kid doesnt see hermother for six weeks in the summer? Or at xmas? Or easter? Really?

And Stop talking like she isnt already paying for the child.

There are a few very bitter posters on this thread. Of corse you don’t need to pay maintenance out of your salary, particularly if you can’t afford it. My husband’s ex thought she should receive an increase in maintenance when we get married because I earn a decent salary (considerably more than dh). No chance.

OP you are not in the wrong, you should not pay any maintenance. You are doing your very best and yes in the real world when you lose a job you have to find a job of equivalent wage to continue to pay the outgoings you previously did.

Oh op. Some woman are giving you a super hard time.
I could potentially be in the same situation and I won't be paying his maintenance. I simply couldn't afford it as it would be well over 1/2 my salary. (They have 50/50 shares custody, and their earning isn't that different) but I would feed and water them when they are here.
You don't have an obligation to pay it. I'm sorry you don't. And one child doesn't suffer more, everyone would be tightening their belts.
Hopefully DP will find a new job soon and everything can be resolved.

Oswin that arangement was made at the ex’s request, she takes the majority of her hols from work during term time.
If she has a weekend off work or a some time during the hols she asks to keep her, Christmas day is split morning/evening.

So on average how is the six week holiday spent. Does she not see her from july to september?
Or does she go home weekends?

His Ex has her around 5 days in the middle of it, the she goes back the Friday before school starts

Holidays or not, the OP takes care of her step child half the time, financially and emotionally.

It’s up to her mother to do the same on her 50%. Her Dad was only paying as he could, but the mother has just as much opportunity to work. If they were having the kids much less, like EOW I’d be urging the Dad to carry on paying even if it were from his savings.

However it still wouldn’t be the OPs responsibility!

And it is never, ever okay to threaten to withdraw access! How nasty. My Ex is very difficult and sometimes missed maintenance. I never refused him seeing his child. And ignore it OP, you can’t give that threat power, the poor child will suffer and it’s unlikely she would.

It might be a good time to go to court just to sort this out fairly.

Not sure where all the posters who are having a go at you come from. You’ve done nothing wrong.

OP I do think you are getting a hard time here and I do not think you should have to pay maintenance. However I do agree with other posters that it is your DH losing his job that is causing this angst and yet it is the two mothers who are trying to right it. You both aggravated the situation by offering to take SD full time. The ex is presumably trying to pay for childcare if she is working full time. Can your DH not offer to take on this childcare in lieu of maintenance?

The EW does already work FT - she takes her holidays in term time and works through the summer - which is actually the rougher end of the deal if you think about it. Also being an LP she only has 1 set of Holiday entitlement whereas the OP and her DP have 2 sets of holiday entitlement.

More helpfully OP maybe you can apply for HB and Council Tax support to help towards your own family's living costs?

The op has made it quite clear that her dh usually pays maintenance and has done for 8 years. They have a shared care arrangement thats what the CMS call it and it wouldn't cost much more to chuck a few more fish fingers and chips in the oven when cooking. Certainly not £100 a month.

To be the poster who said give the ex the cost of the food I doubt from what op has said that she'd be happy with £15 or what ever it works out at and she will still try an pull access.

It sounds as the the dad is trying to look for work but in order to make ends meet they've pulled the kids out of nursery- who wouldn't????

I think the offer to have dad more was to help the mum work more/save childcare.

Op stay firm don't pay a penny. When you dh gets sorted then the maintenance starts again.

It's not the op and DH'S fault that the ex is still on her own. Why should they carry her. As some else said the golden uterus

Would a white mother with a different name be refused?

Yes until I provided birth certificates.

Driving licences and passports whilst being ID. Do not show who is your mother/father

I don't know how that happened! Wrong thread!

you’re missing the point the ex is a mother who doesn’t want to work to feed her child

But she works full time. What exactly do you want her to do?

Your partner should fund his kids with what he can afford. I dont for one second believe he doesn't have access to any money. You shouldnt have to pay the figure he paid, at all. But he needs to financially contribute to his children what he can. He should be foregoing all luxuries and giving that to his ex as a gesture to show he is trying and their child/ren are still his priority.

Three more pages since I last posted here and it is obvious OP has a chip on her shoulder and has been drip feeding. It is becoming clear that this is all about resentment for not winning custody in the first place and resentment for having to pay even £100.

Firstly, he doesn't have joint custody. He has his child week-ends and holidays and I don't believe for a second that this is ALL of it. Funny how suddenly, there are 5 days that she isn't there during the school holiday. I expect the same applies to Xmas and probably Easter. He was paying £100 which is low and reflects on how often he had her.
I also find it amazing that OP and her OH had a job that offered more than 6 weeks holidays.

Lost all credibility with the post saying that the ex could afford holidays and therefore she'd be fine. Says it all really. It's one thing finding yourself in a bad position (won't even go as to the reasons for the dismissal) that impacts on an entire family and having to make the best of the situation, but most people in this situation would actually say that they are sorry that they won't be able to rise to their obligations for awhile but they intend to do anything to be able to get a bit of money to help, maybe asking if there is anything coming up with school towards the end of the year, a trip, a show, something that will involve some costs, and say that he will see if he can try to help.

As suggested by a number of posters, a decent father would take any extra work in the evenings (no, the SD is not there evenings M to F) to help, even if it meant he could give his DD only £25.

As for contact, nothing mentioned about the cost of travelling. Since he doesn't have anything at all, does this mean that he won't be able to do any of it? Did he tell mum that she would have to do it all? That would explain the stopping contact comment.

This thread should have required only one response 'no you don't have to pay anything for your SD whilst your OH is out of work', but the rest of it just shows that there is a lot more to it than that.

It's not the op and DH'S fault that the ex is still on her own. Why should they carry her. As some else said the golden uterus
Speechless at this choice of words? Golden uterus? £100 a month? A few chips and fish fingers? How about coats, shoes, school trips, presents for kids' parties when invited, activities, school uniforms, etc...

And then we wonder why SMs as a whole get such a bad name with posts like these.

Yes, at £100 a month being some kind of amazing win.

I agree. The issue here isn’t just the current situation, but all the other comments op has made which suggest they are trying to capitalise on this situation to change the custody arrangements. That’s unacceptable.

You can’t pay what you don’t have! As many have said if he’d still been with her the household money would have reduced.
If his wages had doubled would she expect more? If so, you have to accept less when they reduce - you can’t have it both ways.
It’s a rubbish situation made worse by her threatening non contact which has nothing to do with money but about using children as a weapon.
A horrible situation for everyone.

How about coats, shoes, school trips, presents for kids' parties when invited, activities, school uniforms, etc...

I know the op's children aren't school aged yet, but if they were then she would have to find the money too for these things for her kids. If she gave the ex maintenance then it might mean the op couldn't then afford stuff for her own children that they need. But as long as his first child is ok though hey?
I have children who are school aged and I know just how expensive it is. If my husband was to lose his job and I had to keep the family afloat on my own, I would not be able to afford to give his ex maintenance. Because yes, kids are expensive and I would need the money!
All sensible people cut their cloth accordingly when they hit hard times. So whilst the dad is out of work both households should be doing that, which the op has already started to do. The op shouldn't be expected to cushion the blow for the ex just so the she isn't affected in any way. I bet she could make cut backs herself and wow, there is the money for some new school shoes!

swingofthings Your ignorance amazes me. You just keep making assumption a free assumption and showing yourself to be an over entitled man hater.
You are saying that he should work weekends - does that mean paying his ex is more important than spending time with his daughter?
And for your information I work nights and every other weekend so he can’t.

All you are focusing on in the fact that my DH has a child to his ex. What makes her child more important than my children? Why should I provide for my SD across two households but only my children in one?
If me and DH we’re separated would I still be expected to pay his ex?

And as for saying the maintenance being a “win” that’s not what this is about at all. It’s about some believing that they should not be 100% financially responsible for their child because their ex has moved on. Or how about the fact that she’s passing that responsibility onto a another mother and then calling them a bad mother for not doing it, pretty sure she should be picking up the responsibility herself.

I would love to see your reactions to this post if the genders were the other way around.

It’s about some believing that they should not be 100% financially responsible for their child because their ex has moved on

No parent should be 100% financially responsible for a child when both parents are of working age and in good health. It has sod all whatsoever to do with ‘moving on’.

And I’ll say it again. In what way is a full time working ex not taking financial responsibility for her child?