Step parents and maintenance

[Anon197]

Just a quick one...

My DH recently lost his job and is struggling to find work. My income is the only income (no support benefits wise).

We have two very young children together and he has a child with his ex.

They share custody and when my step child is at ours I pay for everything.

His ex has thrown a wobbler because I won’t pay a proportion of my wage to her.

What would you do?

Yes, less than 3 hours a week! Hardly going to kill her

Probably not. But you assume she can fit that in around existing commitments. She is a single parent, no back up. It is not always that easy.

At what point have I said that I don’t understand that she has lost part of her household income? She’s lost £100 a month. We’ve lost 50% of our income. I am working to try make up the difference, I aren’t messaging her saying you need to pay for DD when she’s here. If you don’t you have no morales, you’re a terrible mother and don’t deserve to have children.
All I’ve said is my wage will pay for all 3 children in my household. For the time being you support your child when she is with you.

My husband is looking for work that means he can still see his daughter on a weekend and provide for his two kids with me accordingly.
Men/Fathers deserve some respect. He hasn’t walked out of a job to spite his ex. He’s not living a life of luxuary while we struggle. He’s in this too. He needs a job that means all 3 are looked after and paid for and part time minimum wage doesn’t do that.

Yes, less than 3 hours a week! Hardly going to kill her

And by the same token, it would hardly kill him, would it?!

What chikdcare are you referring to? The child is of school age and with us on weekends and holidays?

Let me spell this out for you
I work nights and sleep in the day my husband currently has the kids in the day as we’ve had to cancel childcare.
We have SD on weekends and holidays.
If he works days we have to pay for full time childcare
If he works weekends he doesn’t see his daughter
If he works nights we need childcare.

How do we pay for childcare if he’s earning minimum wage?

Why should she work harder to subsidise her EX?

Who is she subsidising?

She’s doing nothing for her ex she’s doing it for her child

Why should the op work harder to subsidise her husband's ex?

She expects the op to do overtime for her.

You can’t pay what you don’t have! As many have said if he’d still been with her the household money would have reduced.
If they were in the same household, the reduction would be divided equally amongst all the children, not one getting nothing whilst the rest is divided between two.

You are saying that he should work weekends Actually if you read properly, you would have noted that I said worked evenings, when he doesn't have hid daughter. It's amazing how selective you are in what you read. AGAIN, I've made it clear that it's not you who should do everything to provide for your SD, it should be your OH. Saying that, you could of course chose to help HIM -not the ex- by contributing towards his bills. I bet you don't take the same approach with his minimum payment with his credit card. Would you allow him to get a CCJ for not paying it because it's nothing to do with you? No, you would help him as you can, but you clearly see his contribution towards his daughter as money going to his ex, that's the problem.

She is hourly paid and has the opertunity to do more hours. She won’t she expects me to put in overtime to pay her
Oh so she should make the difference because your OH couldn't keep his job, but your OH can't work evenings? Speechless!

If you don’t you have no morales, you’re a terrible mother and don’t deserve to have children
You just sound an absolute vile person.

swingofthings
Read it again. That is what has been said about me because I won’t pay her

You’re the one who is selectively reading things. How can he work evening if I’m already at work!?

And how is my SD getting nothing? I am providing for her when she is here.
My wage is split over 3 children and 2 adults.

If they were in the same household, the reduction would be divided equally amongst all the children, not one getting nothing whilst the rest is divided between two.

The dad isn't working so none of the children are being provided for by him at the moment. That would be the case whether he's with his ex or not and it would all fall on to the mum to provide for their daughter. It should be no different if they aren't together. She is the girl's other parent so of course the bulk is going to fall on to her. The op is in the same position with her own children.
And his daughter isn't getting "nothing" is she? The op provides for her when she is with them. The mum is just providing more than the op because well, she's the mum isn't she? Kind of comes with the job.

Oh so now you work nights, how convenient. And you'll then say that you work 12 hours a night and sleep 10, so your OH doesn't have even a few hours to work during the week. Only mentioning this now when you've challenged about your OH being able to work evenings.

Sorry OP but I don't believe a word of what you are saying any longer. I'm out of this thread.

The good thing about threads like this is that it makes me realise what a wonderful woman my kids SM is and I'm so grateful that my ex did pick a great partner after we had been -long- separated.

All those banging on about the OPs DH offering to have the SD full time and how it'll take her time away from her mother, the OP said upthread they'd have the SD in the week- saving the EW childcare costs- and the SD would go to her mum at weekends. In my mind that would actually give the EW more quality time with her daughter.

As the arrangement stands now it would appear OP and her DH get all the quality time- every weekend plus majority of the school hols.

How convenient!?
Working nights with add s overtime on top is not convenient, I’d much rather be at home with my family.

It sounds like you’ve got some issues you need to deal with. If you can’t see that I’m trying my hardest to support my family and believe others should do the same.

And I don’t believe a word you are saying. You’re just a keyboard warrior who likes to tear others down because youre oh perfect. I hope to god you never fall in hard times or your ex for that matter because by the sounds of things you’d be the one holding your hands out demanding everyone else pick up the slack.

Swing the OP mentioned very early in the thread that she works nights and every other weekend.

Some serious issues with projection and comprehension on this thread.

OP some posters are not reading your posts and then twisting them round.

It sounds like you are working your arse off to do the right thing and some posters are kicking you for their own reasons.

Ahhhh so what you're saying is that the op isn't a good stepmum because of money. That's just lovely.

The good thing about threads like this is that it makes me realise what a wonderful woman my kids SM is and I'm so grateful that my ex did pick a great partner after we had been -long- separated.

My above comment was in response to this ^^

OP - no one is saying you should contribute. I have no criticism of you, you are trying to work hard and provide for your family -your household budget has to stretch to cover the bills you had before and you have cut your cloth - maintenance went first from your family, household budget.

However, in split families there are so many double standards and you are exhibiting many of them.

I will give you some examples:

1. EX and new DP- use to cut the pittance he paid if they had DCs for the weekend in that month! ( 6 ON weekends in a year!)

1. They took DCS on holiday twice in 4 yrs - they cut the maintenance for those weeks!

3.When she got pregnant and had to reduce her hours, they reduced their maintenance because there was less monies in the household budget! It is amazing that the household budget covers all the children in one household as when it suits but not when ti does not suit.

1. When the DC was born, she took a year off and it remained reduced and then some, because the child meant they could reduce it further!

1. Forgot - he did not pay maintenance for 14 months because, things were expensive as they moved!

1. Now they have split up - she thinks I should not get any maintenance because I earn more than she does and do not need the monies. She is right I do not need the maintenance, because I learned that relying on his pittance was going to get me into trouble.

1. When EX was off sick for 3 months, less over time etc - she upped her demand for monies and childcare because he was off. He asked me if he could reduce even further to help her out!!( I nearly choked on that one)

I have subsidised their lifestyle and am still subsidising hers, to give you an idea - he pays her £1200pcm for one DC and me £300 for 2 DCs!!! He earns £100K when not off sick.

So to alot of RPs, when the circumstances change in the NRPs household, they do end up subsidising the EXs lifestyle - he is still eating, drinking and having days out from your description.

Your DP needs to get a job and fast, doing a few shifts on minimum wage would be better than nothing - from other posts you have made the SDC is a teen - she does not need Dad time all weekend.

Just wondering if the Sky subscription has been cancelled -that would be £100pcm!

So paying his ex is more important than spending time with his daughter?

If you read above “any job” doesn’t work for our family. It needs to pay for childcare as well as maintenance. Please read the post