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Original poster

Step parents and maintenance

430 replies

Anon197 · 01/06/2018 15:58

Just a quick one...

My DH recently lost his job and is struggling to find work. My income is the only income (no support benefits wise).

We have two very young children together and he has a child with his ex.

They share custody and when my step child is at ours I pay for everything.

His ex has thrown a wobbler because I won’t pay a proportion of my wage to her.

What would you do?

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Original poster
Anon197 · 02/06/2018 10:14

ohreally
Please read the post. He hasn’t decided to just drop work to spite his ex.

Why should a parent not be? They made a conscious choice to have a child and should fit their lives around the child. If there comes a point that one parent can’t afford the other steps ip

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon197 · 02/06/2018 10:15

She is hourly paid and has the opertunity to do more hours. She won’t she expects me to put in overtime to pay her

OP posts:
funinthesun18 · 02/06/2018 10:16

Well the op is 100% financially responsible for her children at this moment in time clearly. The dad has NO MONEY. So why shouldn't the same apply to the ex with her child?

funinthesun18 · 02/06/2018 10:18

She is hourly paid and has the opertunity to do more hours. She won’t she expects me to put in overtime to pay her

Put in the overtime by all means. But just don't give it her!

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/06/2018 10:24

His ex has stepped in because she has had no choice. You are still saying that it’s unreasonable his ex is unhappy about that and have no empathy whatsoever when it comes to understanding the distress and upset of that. That’s despite the fact that you are going through the same!

Your idea of fitting life around children is to remove that child from the other parent’s care, with no thought given whatsoever to the wants and needs of said child. Nor indeed to the ex’s childcare arrangements or how her life might be arranged - and she doesn’t have a partner at home to share any of this with or help her make those changes. Indeed, your expectation is she immediately falls into line and adapts to your changed circumstances.

And your partner has been sacked. She has good reason to be pissed off at that level of irresponsibility, don’t you think?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/06/2018 10:26

She is hourly paid and has the opertunity to do more hours. She won’t she expects me to put in overtime to pay her

You know the exact circumstances of her workplace at the current time? You know that there is overtime available which fits perfectly around her existing childcare and other commitments?

Original poster
Anon197 · 02/06/2018 10:29

ohreally As said before please read the post.

She does have another choice, work some more. Put in an extra shift every other week and make up the difference. Not contact your ex’a Wife and throw insults and demands around so you don’t have to out in extra effort at work.

We didn’t demand that SD lives with us, we offered it as a solution we haven’t taken the hump and started to abuse DH’s ex as a result.
Instead we said then we can’t offer you anything, he doesn’t earn and we ant increase the amount of time we have SD as she won’t let us. What else do you offer?

OP posts:
funinthesun18 · 02/06/2018 10:30

And your partner has been sacked. She has good reason to be pissed off at that level of irresponsibility, don’t you think?

Quietly pissed off maybe. But she has no reason to give the op abuse.

Original poster
Anon197 · 02/06/2018 10:31

Yes I do know exact details. That’s why I’m saying it. And you can’t stop throwing “her childcare arrangements” into into it, she has the opportunity to work weekends (when she does have her daughter)

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon197 · 02/06/2018 10:31

Doesn’t**

OP posts:
ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/06/2018 10:43

Yes I do know exact details

Of course you do!

Original poster
Anon197 · 02/06/2018 10:52

Sorry you know more than me about the situation I’m in. I forgot

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EscapistTendencies · 02/06/2018 10:53

He needs a job that will cover childcare costs and the overtime I am currently working or it is pointless him working.

You've said this several times now and frankly it's bullshit. He doesn't get to absolve himself of financial responsibility to his first child until just the right job comes along simply because he chose to have 2 more children. And frankly £100 per month is disgraceful, you keep saying she should support her own child, well she is isn't she because she doesn't have a choice. Is there any reason he can't get temp work in a bar, delivering pizzas or packing work in the evenings or weekends? At least that would mean he could pay his child support and no full time childcare required.
There are actually loads of lovely step parents on here who do support their step kids when their father can't as they see them as family, clearly not the case here.

Original poster
Anon197 · 02/06/2018 11:00

So where do I put my children when we’re both at work?

OP posts:
EscapistTendencies · 02/06/2018 11:01

Wow you work days, evenings and weekends?

Original poster
Anon197 · 02/06/2018 11:03

I work nights and weekends, meaninging I sleep in the day.
If he works days what happens to our children?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon197 · 02/06/2018 11:05

If you would all stop making bullshit assumptions and assuming we don’t want to pay maintenance maybe you could wrap your tiny minds around the point I’m trying to make.

I don’t see why I should be financially responsible for my SD when she is in her mothers care

OP posts:
Moussemoose · 02/06/2018 11:14

If the OPs partner was still with the ex one assumes she would have to step up. People lose their jobs it happens, it wasn't planned or orchestrated.

Sending abusive texts and demanding money from the OP is not reasonable. In any relationship compromises need to be made. It isn't either/or. The OPs step child would not want his new siblings to suffer so all the parents need to work together.

Why are some posters so determined to make the OP into the bad person, it reads like some personal agendas are being played out. An opportunity to take revenge for some slight in your own life.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/06/2018 11:22

Sorry you know more than me about the situation I’m in. I forgot

And so if that is unlikely, it is surely unlikely that you know the exact opportunities that Amy or may not be available to the ex in her workplace? And unlikely that you know what other commitments she might have when she is not at work?

I don’t agree that you should have to pay maintenance. I do think you need to realise that your life isn’t the only one thrown out of kilter and that other people will be as stressed and upset as you.

Pleasebeafleabite · 02/06/2018 11:22

Feeling slightly overinvested in this thread now

But am slowly coming back to my earlier turd comment. There is an air of "status quo" about DH's out of work status "he doesn't earn" etc

How long has he been out of work OP? I feel like you have both settled in for the long haul here with him as SAHD.

Hypothetically if I lost my job I'd be straight back into the job search and would keep my childcare place open as surely its a bigger ballache to give a month's notice to stop, then hope they can take the DC again when work starts up. Unless its a medium term solution not a very short term one

I would be saving my ire for my DH in your situation, I feel like it's misplaced

funinthesun18 · 02/06/2018 11:23

If the OPs partner was still with the ex one assumes she would have to step up

That's what I've said a few times in this thread but people just like to ignore it probably because it doesn't suit their argument.

NorthernSpirit · 02/06/2018 11:26

OP - Ignore all the bitter EX’s and personal comments on here. I’m shocked at the bitchy comments from ignorant people who know very little about your situation. I thought woman were meant to support each other? Clearly not.....

You are trying to do your best in a tough situation and I applaud you. It can’t be easy. You sound like you have a real work ethic. At least you aren’t bumming off the government like many do.

Your OH pays the EW - £100 a month. Even if she earns minimum wage the mother would have to work LESS than 3 hours a week (assuming she pays no tax) to earn £100 a month. Yes, less than 3 hours a week! Hardly going to kill her.

You concentrate on your family. You don’t owe it to this woman. I wounder if roles were reversed wound she be helping you out? Doubtful.

takeittakeit · 02/06/2018 11:26

Sorry my 17 yr old niece, works one shift per week in a shop and occasionally one evening - she takes home about £200pcm. He can get off his arse and get some form of paid work.

He has no savings whatsoever?!!

He needs a job to cover all the child care to make it worth while - really so what sort of salary was he on before?

He could do something - sorry your excuses for doing nothing are immense.

If the EX says yes take DD all the time till you get a job, she loses her childcare and then getting it back is a nightmare, when he dumps his daughter again. How old is the SDD?

£100pcm really is not a lot - am sure EX is more pissed off with the principle than the amount. You have suggested she reduces her time with her daughter so, her out of work EX can have more time at the moment and please you will not be asking for maintenance - yes you will - give it one month.

If I was the EX - I would be pissed off and quite rightly so - there sounds like there is more back history than we are being told and believe me your family are not subsiding her household.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/06/2018 11:27

If the OPs partner was still with the ex one assumes she would have to step up

She works full time. Isn’t that enough?

takeittakeit · 02/06/2018 11:27

Oh and anon - you ut your kids in childcare whilst you both work, which is what you were doing prior to your DP getting his arse fired.

Rather than asking the EX to give up her time with her child so the father can have more time and ave more monies.