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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Is marriage important or am I just being selfish & insecure (step-parenting)

73 replies

trippingup · 27/04/2018 16:06

I love my partner dearly (he has 2 kids), he says he doesn't want to get married again after a messy divorce (understandable). But I really want to get married, I always have done. It would be nice to have the same name and him and also his children, I guess I would feel a more solid member of the family in that way. We live together and I pay bills, cook, clean etc - not that it should matter what I do around the house I guess. I just feel so disposable without it. He says we will be together forever so I don't see why we can't get married. I'm happy to do it in secret by ourselves if he doesn't want a big do as hes done it before, I've said we wouldn't need to tell anyone. I feel i'm taking on so much being with him and have moved to his town to live with him and the kids and now I'm left wondering if its forever. I guess the marriage thing for me cements it as forever. Any advice?

OP posts:

swingofthings · 27/04/2018 16:14

Yes, accept his decision. He doesn't want to get married. It's like children, you can't force it on people. You'll need to decide whether your partnership is more important than being able to call yourself a married woman.

TawnyPort · 27/04/2018 16:17

I personally wouldn't stay with him. If marriage is important to you and he won't even consider it, he's not that bothered about what matters to you. And definitely don't have a baby with him without it, you'll have no protection legally and financially.

PerspicaciaTick · 27/04/2018 16:18

Is he prepared to go to a solicitor and pay for a contract which gives you all the security of being married?

swingofthings · 27/04/2018 16:23

Out of curiosity, why should he pay for the contract and not both of them?

Magda72 · 27/04/2018 16:29

Tbh there's a big difference between not believing in marriage & not wanting to get married. Your dp is the latter.
I had a friend in a similar position; dp had been through a messy divorce. They were together 15 years & my friend eventually left him as she really felt that after that length of time for him to still not take on board her feelings or to not trust her enough financially to get married spoke volumes about how he really felt about her.

mrsdoglover · 27/04/2018 16:30

I personally don't think its massively important but if you desperately want his last name and he won't married, why not change you name by deed pole? Ask him if he'd be ok with it first and if not i'd be rethinking the relationship.

swingofthings · 27/04/2018 16:32

I think it's really sad that someone would opt to leave their partner of 15 years if they loved him just because they wouldn't be forced into doing something they didn't believe in.

The only difference is a bit more financial security in case of divorce.

Magda72 · 27/04/2018 16:35

Yes @swingofthings but the flipside is that he made no effort to see how important it was to my friend. He didn't see the woman in front of him but rather his exw who fleeced him.

swingofthings · 27/04/2018 16:39

I guess it all depends on what has been said over time. If he made it clear from the start that he wouldn't marry and OP hoped he'd changed his mind, then that's her fault. If he did say that he would but in time, I still think he is entitled to change his mind as I don't believe in anyone being forced to do something they don't want to do when the repercussions of that decision are significant, but I would feel more sympathetic to OP. I'm surprise if that was the case that OP wouldn't have mentioned it in her post. Of course it also depends how long they've been together.

PerspicaciaTick · 27/04/2018 16:42

I wasn't suggesting he pay for it alone. Just asking if he prepared to work with the Op in protecting herself.

Original poster

trippingup · 27/04/2018 16:48

He did want to marry me at the start... he said that many, many times. But since getting divorced he doesn't want to now as it got so messy. For info I met him when they'd been separated so wasn't involved in the breakup etc. I just feel so sad and let down. I'm also feeling so insecure... like oh if I was better at this or better at that he might want to marry me etc. I would happily pay half for a pre-nup or something that secured his home and assets for his children etc. I have suggested the name change.

OP posts:

kitty1013 · 27/04/2018 16:55

I don't blame you for being upset.
I took on my husbands two children full time, they were then 5 and 9, (I hasten to add I now love them dearly, but it was hard at first), and he was keen to marry me asap. The kids needed the stability and he was very keen- undaunted by his previous failed marriage (bless him). His enthusiasm and optimism about our future together made all the challenges of my instant family cope-able with.
There's nothing more you should feel you should do , to "make him want to marry you". If you're not enough as you are then I would hold yourself back from him and have serious doubts.

I think I was lucky to meet a divorced person whose outlook seems so unchanged by the experience. A lot of people seem to end up very bitter and it's very difficult for future partners!

WhiteCat1704 · 27/04/2018 17:10

I wouldn't stay with him if you want children. As it's a women who makes most sacrifices when children come there is no way I would want that without marriadge.

Another aspect is that you will grow resentful..He married a women before you, he believes in marriage..

HollowTalk · 27/04/2018 17:13

Are you taking care of his children when they're with you? Are you avoiding career moves because of family life?

When you say you pay bills... is it his house? Are you paying rent of any kind?

You are very vulnerable not being married to him, particularly as he has children.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2018 17:27

It would have been a deal breaker for me and knowing DH wanted to get married again was very important to me.

I’ve also been divorced so wouldn’t have been impressed with him blaming his own divorce for not wanting to do it again.

Our marriage, and wanting to be married, is about us, just us, not our exes or our pasts. His DC were very keen on the idea which was a big bonus and they loved being in the wedding and all it meant.

You’ve given up a lot already.

Do you want DC together? Does he? I think the change in his mindset from saying he was keen to now never wanting to do it is also a big deal. Can you really trust him? Yes, his views might have changed as a result of his divorce but as someone else had said, he’s letting his ex and their history negatively (as far as you see it anyway) affect your future together and that doesn’t speak well of him.

Divorce is shit. No one ever plans on going through it. But it’s the end of something and the beginning of something else and I’d be worried he’s not got both feet into your relationship.

He’s saying that he’s had that particular experience and didn’t enjoy the way it ended so you don’t even get to try it.

Not the actions of a committed partner.

I think how much you do and have sacrificed IS relevant. Not in a you make packed lunches and do laundry so he owes you a ring on your finger sort of way. But a you committed to him and his history and complications on the understanding you shared the same dreams for your shared future and now he’s changed the goal posts and is taking what he wants screw the costs to you sort of way.

I hope some of that makes sense.

I’d take this as an opportunity to have a proper look at your whole relationship and set up. Is it really what you want. Does it make you happy. How does your future look now.

Don’t be caught up in the sunk costs phallacy. You moved to him, you can move again. You met him and loved him, you can meet someone else and fall in love with them, get what you want and have the life you imagined.

He’s showing you who he is and where you stand. Make sure both are enough for you before committing too much more time and energy to this.

Nonmotherof3 · 27/04/2018 17:36

I never wanted to get married....But now my situation I feel it's really important for many reasons.

On a personal note it's like I'm nothing a d yet do everything....If that makes sense. I'm.not married to OH so not even a stepmum. Just a girlfriend...the children live with us full-time so it's hard.

swingofthings · 27/04/2018 19:04

How long have you been together and how long has he been divorced? If he's just fresh and you haven't been long, then it's understandable that he isn't keen right now. Whether that will always be the case...

Did he say no when you suggested taking his name? Do you have children yourself?

Iflyaway · 27/04/2018 19:13

He says we will be together forever

Ask him where he is hiding his crystal ball OP.

Or does he just see you as a convenient "step-mum" for his kids while he decides where his future will be? with you or someone else

You have the power you know to decide your own life. Don't waste it on a wishy-washy man which you may regret 10/20 years down the line.

Iflyaway · 27/04/2018 19:20

We live together and I pay bills, cook, clean etc

Yep. Cushy number he's got there! Do you also end up taking care of his kids when over visiting?

I would happily pay half for a pre-nup

Unless the law changed while my attention was turned they are not even a thing in UK. (sorry if you're not UK-based).

Wake up OP!

Original poster

trippingup · 27/04/2018 20:47

I don’t babysit or anything. It’s never come up as when he’s had them he wants to see them and doesn’t go out etc. I know the divorce must have hurt and it will take time. We’ve been together a year and a half. Lived together 6 months. He divorced in September. Thanks for all your advice I appreciate it.

OP posts:

ihatethedentist · 27/04/2018 20:52

Marriage is massively important to me and I told DH that if he didn't want to get married we would split up over it. I have two stepchildren and I felt very insecure without marriage. Being married makes a massive difference and my relationship with the children has improved.

fontofnoknowledge · 27/04/2018 20:58

Marriage shows commitment. End of.
As a step mother you will always feel 'compared' to his first wife and 'lesser' because he committed to her but somehow doesn't feel the need to make the same commitment to you.

There is no contract that a solicitor can draw up that would come close to the rights of marriage. Getting something a bit like it is going to cost you a hell of a lot more than the £125 a marriage costs.

Never ever believe the 'I don't believe in marriage anymore' line. My best f was fucked over with this. 25 yrs together, sahm to 4 kids. Waited until kids didn't need to be paid for before marrying a 26 yr old Latvian model he met in business in Dubai. Turns out he did believe in marriage. Just not with her.

Don't sell yourself short. You are worth more.

HipsterAssassin · 27/04/2018 21:00

To be honest a lot has happened in a short time. I am wondering whether, in this context, the security you crave will actually be provided by getting married?

Maybe (honest question) your insecurity is part of moving into a family dynamic which is already established?

I presumed you had been together a lot longer. Maybe give it a couple more years?

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 27/04/2018 21:04

I can see why he doesn't want to do it again. He made vows and then they were broken with the divorce. To remarry would make a mockery of the vows.

You can choose to stay or leave but given just the eighteen months of dating it seems way too soon to be thinking of marriage when there are children involved.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2018 21:25

no it wouldn’t make a mockery of the vows. What a daft thing to say. It’ll be a different wedding, a different marriage and the OP is a different person.

He said he wanted to marry OP before so I doubt him changing his mind is out of some sort of new found respect for marriage as a one time only deal.

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