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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Is marriage important or am I just being selfish & insecure (step-parenting)

73 replies

trippingup · 27/04/2018 16:06

I love my partner dearly (he has 2 kids), he says he doesn't want to get married again after a messy divorce (understandable). But I really want to get married, I always have done. It would be nice to have the same name and him and also his children, I guess I would feel a more solid member of the family in that way. We live together and I pay bills, cook, clean etc - not that it should matter what I do around the house I guess. I just feel so disposable without it. He says we will be together forever so I don't see why we can't get married. I'm happy to do it in secret by ourselves if he doesn't want a big do as hes done it before, I've said we wouldn't need to tell anyone. I feel i'm taking on so much being with him and have moved to his town to live with him and the kids and now I'm left wondering if its forever. I guess the marriage thing for me cements it as forever. Any advice?

OP posts:

Neweternal · 02/05/2018 22:41

Swingofthings. 5-10 years to spend with a man to discovered if he want to marry have children? The rule is usually after two years the chances of a proposal are slim. If he's committed he will marry, it's really that simple.

VikingBlonde · 03/05/2018 11:53

I"m the other side of this, I've been married before and DP wants to marry but I keep flip flopping whether I want to go down that route again and saying it doesn't matter then it does - oh dear. At the heart of the matter i think bad divorce REALLY hurts people. It leaves deep and lasting scars and I would go as far as to say trauma. You (Or I should say I) dont' go rushing back headlong into something that was traumatic last time you did it no matter how rationally you can say oh but this is a different situation etc. My DP likes the idea of marriage and I have been burnt by it so I keep saying I dont' want to do it again even though some times on a romantic and positive and happy ever after level I do want to... aren't people peculiar eh??

I hope you feel more grounded soon. Have you talked to him about how you feel? Especially as he said he did want to then changed his mind. SOmetimes it's hard to know how the other half is feeling and things can only improve when it's all out there... good luck

Bibidy · 03/05/2018 14:42

This is a tricky one because there is no right answer, you're both within your rights to feel as you do. And there is no compromise is there - you either do it or you don't.

I think that even though it's 100% understandable for someone to be cautious and burned after a previous bad experience, I don't think it's fair to deny something so huge to a new partner because of that. It isn't 'marriage' as a concept that failed, it was the relationship between themselves and their previous partner - that shouldn't impact negatively on a new partner.

It's a very tough one because there are understandable reasons on both sides, but in my opinion OP, your DP should at least be willing to discuss it further with you. One partner shouldn't just be able to tell the other that such a huge life decision is off the table, it needs to be a mutual discussion.

swingofthings · 03/05/2018 16:35

your DP should at least be willing to discuss it further with you
They haven't been together a year, the guy has just divorced, it's normal not to want to discuss this at this stage. What's to discuss? That right now he definitely doesn't want to marry, that he might do so a bit later, but he can't promise her right at this moment that he will. I understand needing to know, but not so quickly in a relationship.

If OP can't live with waiting, than indeed, it might be better to leave her OH and look for a man prepared to commit to marriage very quickly.

Bibidy · 03/05/2018 16:49

They haven't been together a year, the guy has just divorced, it's normal not to want to discuss this at this stage. What's to discuss?

They have been together 18 months and live together, which to me is a decent enough amount of time to be able to have a serious conversation about something as big as marriage.

I'm not saying OP should force the issue, and if her DP is saying that he's not up for it right now but is open to the idea in the future, then that's one thing, but by the sounds of the original post that's not the case.

If he's saying he never wants to remarry and it's important to OP to get married, then that's something that needs to be discussed sooner rather than later.

swingofthings · 03/05/2018 18:48

Living together 6 months, divorced 7 months ago only. I supposed we all have different notion of time but to me, that's not long at all.

In any case, it does sound like they have discussed it quite a bit, it's just that he has said he doesn't want to get married.

TooSassy · 03/05/2018 21:50

I think it is far too soon and quite honestly, alarm bells would ring if someone lurched from a divorce headfirst into another marriage.

It is actually very healthy to take the time to emotionally process what went wrong and what part you played in a marriage breaking down. That process cannot be rushed and it is actually very healthy to take the time to figure that out. The pain (and I know of no divorcee who says 'yay that was fun') needs to come out so that any individual can move forward happily and healthily.

I could not even comprehend being able to sit down with my partner 7 months after my divorce came through and say 'yes or no, I'd be up for getting married again'. I wouldn't be capable of having that conversation.

I keep saying it, push someone when they are in this zone and you really do risk pushing them away. For everyone saying 'if he loves her, then he should be able to sit down and have this conversation', I respond with this. 'If she loves him, then she should have some empathy and respect for how recently his divorce came through and just how much that has hurt him'.

I wouldn't dream of committing to someone who continued to push when I was saying, I can't have this conversation. I want the next person I am with to respect my emotional boundaries and not be a taker....

Neweternal · 03/05/2018 22:05

They are already living together, like a married couple. He should just get on with it. No way would I move someone in I had no intentions of marrying. What was OP reasons for living together in the first place?

chemicalworld · 04/05/2018 00:01

I am in a similar situation but I feel its ok for him to not want to get remarried yet. It's fucking stressful and I only want him to marry me when he genuinely feels ready It does matter to me but I have a good relationship - one that I have waited a long time for and when it happens, or feels right it will happen.

I'd say if he says its a definite never then you need to really think about what you want to do, as would I - however if its a ;not right now' as he's just got divorced, then you need to respect that and wait till he feels ready.

swingofthings · 04/05/2018 06:27

I totally agree with Sassy. A divorce is not just about ending one relationship assuming it had been a mistake from the start. It's also, once the pain and anger has faded, a chance to consider what has gone wrong, things that could possibly go wrong again and again if not considered carefully.

My OH's ex left him for another. She was of course in the wrong but... the marriage was suffering because of choices that my OH made too. He didn't see it at the time though, it took a few years to reflect and realise what had been contributing factors. I think in many ways, I am not that different to his first wife (hence why he loved her and loves me) but his divorced allowed him to learn about relationship, commitment, and... women!

Giving a divorced man more time is probably the best way to assure a stronger marriage in the long term.

TooSassy · 04/05/2018 06:31

What was OP reasons for living together in the first place?

There could be plenty of reasons.

To see how they get on, how compatible they are
To see how the dynamic pans out given there are children involved
To see how they are still getting on when the honeymoon phase has passed and real life has properly kicked in, which most people think takes 12-18 months?

Sorry but life changes massively once DC are involved. You have to think about them and dynamics with the ex. If I married my DP, it would cause waves, across my DC and with my ex. I don't want that right now. Time is a very powerful and important thing. I stand by his rushing in and proposing now would be hugely irresponsible.

HipsterAssassin · 04/05/2018 06:48

I think the honeymoon phase lasts two years, only then do you really start to know each other.

With kids and divorce in the mix it changes things radically.

I’m divorced 5 years, have teenage kids, been through psychotherapy and have been with DP just over two years.

My divorce taught me to work on the relationship, that ‘love’ is not enough. It has made me massively cautious but also to speak up about my needs and look for true compatibility. It has made me observe how and whether the relationship works.

I’m in a sweet spot right now - committed, brilliant relationship, settled happy kids. These are my priorities.

Marriage - if it happens - will be the bit that comes much further down the line when we have lived together for years. And it will be for practical/legal reasons. Total contrast to my first experience.

Doremisofarsogood · 04/05/2018 13:47

My DH was a bit like yours - he was separated when we met, was finally divorced about a year later and said never again. Fast forward a couple of years by which point I'd moved in, become an unofficial stepmum to his son, I felt that I really wanted marriage (partly I admit because if it was good enough for his ex it was good enough for me!), but he didn't. The only reason he gave me was that he didn't want it to go wrong again. I pointed out a relationship can still go wrong without being married! Eventually I had to write him a letter telling him that I wanted marriage and children and if he didn't want this he needed to tell me, also that he can't constantly look back at something which went wrong and judge a new relationship by the old one's standards. We've been married nearly 6 years and have a nearly 5 year old DD and I think he's glad he went for it :)

With your situation, I feel it's harsh that he's talked about marriage and is now doing a U-turn, however that said, you've only been together a short time and he's been divorced a very short time so maybe he needs time to come to terms with that before committing again? Good luck! x

swingofthings · 04/05/2018 17:12

My divorce taught me to work on the relationship, that ‘love’ is not enough
I wish this was written in stone. Something you learn as you get older, but indeed, a good marriage demands so much more than just love. Love holds it together when times are rough, but at the same time, it can disappear very quickly when issues get in the way.

swingofthings · 04/05/2018 17:16

I feel it's harsh that he's talked about marriage and is now doing a U-turn
Then again, there's talking about it and 'talking about it'. DH and I talked about marriage after we'd only met a few months. We talked about it the same way we talked about our values, our principles, our hopes for the future. I think he said that he would love to make me his wife one day but I took this as assuming our relationship progresses so that we can consider marriage. We started to talk about it in a 'let's start making plans' 3 years later.

Beaverhausen · 05/05/2018 08:17

Marriage is not important for a happy, long relationship.

A lot of men do get put off remedying after a divorce.

If it is important to you then best to consider moving on or be happy with the healthy relationship you have.

RiddleyW · 07/05/2018 21:13

You are very vulnerable not being married to him, particularly as he has children.

I don’t understand this - how is she vulnerable?

fontofnoknowledge · 08/05/2018 16:28

She's vulnerable because she is not 'anyone' for inheritance purposes should her Dp drop dead. ! Any money and property will automatically go to his children and could leave her homeless unless the house is in joint names. He could of course write a will, leaving his money to her (and his house if it's his) but he could also change it back the next day in his children's favour (or the cats home) without her knowing. He is under no obligation to tell her when he changes a Will.
I am a SM and have left my 50% interest (automatically mine upon marriage to my children with my DH having a 'lifetime interest' . If I drop dead then he can stay as long as he likes and my children don't get the money until he dies or moves. He has done the same for me.
If there is no Will partners get nothing via intestacy laws. It goes to children . If married large % to wife , then some to kids.

swingofthings · 08/05/2018 18:08

She's vulnerable because she is not 'anyone' for inheritance purposes should her Dp drop dead. ! Any money and property will automatically go to his children and could leave her homeless unless the house is in joint names
Why are you assuming that OP has no wealth, that her DP has, and that she therefore should be entitled to all of it because they've been together for 18 months over his children. OP hasn't mentioned anything about money.

fontofnoknowledge · 09/05/2018 07:11

It was a reply to the previous post asking why an unmarried partner to a man with children could be vulnerable.

It is a general reply about the vulnerability of unmarried partners , not necessarily this poster although it could apply.

It doesn't really matter how long they've been together. A 'partner' needs to be aware that they have no rights especially if they have given up their home to move in with a partner.
Of course it's entirely possible that the woman could have her own savings, good job and name on the property but the norm is not this .
If she moved out of rented, in to his owned, but as her contribution paid food and bills.. his sudden death without a Will would find her homeless.
Of course I'm not saying she deserves the house after 18 months together - I'm simply explaining (in reply to the question) why a lack of marriage makes a partner more vulnerable.

swingofthings · 09/05/2018 07:32

I totally agree with you with the consequences of not being married, but similarly, it's the same risk the other way around, when a man with some wealth decides to marry to find out 5 years later that his wife married him more for the security than him and is then too happy to decide the marriage is not working and decide to take her half (if not more) and goes on leaving him vulnerable.

When men get divorced and the above happens, it's very understandable that they would think twice of doing it again. In this instance, they are better meeting up with self sufficient women, or those who would have as much to lose financially in the case of a divorce.

fontofnoknowledge · 09/05/2018 07:55

I agree. Of course it's better. That's exactly what my DH did. Having been taken for 3/4 of everything (two thirds having been amassed prior to marriage). He wasn't going to get bitten again. My own financial security has made getting married easy.

My post about vulnerability and marriage was just to answer a question about why non-marriage in general makes the partner (of either sex) more vulnerable. Not about the morality of money on re-marriage. That's a whole different minefield. !

Teatogo · 09/05/2018 07:59

I've been married. I wouldn't do it again (unless maybe I was hours from inevitable death and had been with a partner a substantial amount of time). I couldn't stand up and promise to stay with someone forever knowing under the wrong/right circumstances I'd leave, for my it was always a one shot thing. And having been left considerably worse off by my first divorce I don't think much of the much vaunted protections either. I really don't think you should be hanging on waiting to see if he changes his mind. It was always the danger of getting together with someone who was only separated.

You need to ask yourself is this enough for you, what is it about marriage that is really important, can you make it work without. I suspect for you the answer is no. Changing your name by deed poll would give you all the same name.....

but it's a compromise. The point of marriage is that it isn't. It's a joint statement of intent. Which is actually what your after. The only way this works is if you genuinely decide your relationship is worth more than your desire to be married.

Have a really honest chat with yourself and take care of you

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