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Original poster

Is marriage important or am I just being selfish & insecure (step-parenting)

73 replies

trippingup · 27/04/2018 16:06

I love my partner dearly (he has 2 kids), he says he doesn't want to get married again after a messy divorce (understandable). But I really want to get married, I always have done. It would be nice to have the same name and him and also his children, I guess I would feel a more solid member of the family in that way. We live together and I pay bills, cook, clean etc - not that it should matter what I do around the house I guess. I just feel so disposable without it. He says we will be together forever so I don't see why we can't get married. I'm happy to do it in secret by ourselves if he doesn't want a big do as hes done it before, I've said we wouldn't need to tell anyone. I feel i'm taking on so much being with him and have moved to his town to live with him and the kids and now I'm left wondering if its forever. I guess the marriage thing for me cements it as forever. Any advice?

OP posts:
kitty1013 · 27/04/2018 22:07

@BoxsetsAndPopcorn I don't think 18 months is too soon to think about marriage...I was engaged to my now husband in that time period...still going strong 11 years later.

For us, that he had custody of his two kids probably speeded it up...he worked long hours, their mum rarely sees them, and is very erratic, so I was immediately their main care giver. I wouldn't have felt comfortable unless I felt things were permanent. As it was, there were plenty of prejudices against me as resident stepmum, it was hard at times. Think I would have felt really uncertain if I had just been the girlfriend! In fact had marriage not been clearly on the cards I would never have let them move in.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 27/04/2018 22:09

Yes marriage is important. Especially as he effectively promised that was his intention but now he’s ‘so drained’. It’s not great to feel that your DP was prepared to marry his Ex but not you either.

Having said that, he might have got cold feet temporarily. However if this is a deal breaker for you, don’t sell yourself short either.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 27/04/2018 22:14

If you take on any of these posts the one from @annelovesgilbert is very poignant and wise.

Juells · 27/04/2018 22:16

Once you get tied into a relationship with children involved your choices will become very limited. It will affect your career, where you live, where you can move to etc.. It's a big commitment, and I wouldn't make if for someone who was 'afraid of marriage'. You may have moved in together too soon, OP, you really haven't known him that long. :(

swingofthings · 28/04/2018 06:55

Of course 18 months is much too soon in these circumstances and he is being very sensible to say no to marriage at this stage. Why are you so desperate OP? I have been married for 5 years, together for 9 and I can say that I learned a lot about my partner after 18 months, as a matter of fact, all the not so good part of him :) I think he would say the same about me. By the time he proposed, 4 years after we got together, 2 1/2 years after we moved it together, we agreed that we had probably seen everything there was to see about each other at this stage, and decided that even though there were some things we would trade mutually, the good much outweigh the bad and marriage was right.

If I'd been so desperate to talk marriage as you are after only 18 months of knowing my OH, I'm pretty sure he would have run away. He'd been divorced for 5 years by the time I met him, and he still he felt raw about it (she cheated and took him for half of everything). He wanted to be sure that he got to know all of me not just what I wanted him to know about me before making such a commitment and he was totally right.

summerinthecountry · 28/04/2018 07:04

Your relationship is quite new, so now is the time to establish whether he means no marriage and what about dc?

Are you not having a career because you are caring for his house and kids?

It would be a deal breaker for me, I do see marriage as commitment and security too. If he can't offer that I would consider ending your relationship, and choosing someone else to spend the rest of your life with. Perhaps someone with less baggage and more commitment and devotion to you.

Maybe you feel insecure because you are second best to everything else in his life and you are doing all the donkey work?

swingofthings · 28/04/2018 07:55

I'm also feeling so insecure...
I think that's the essence of the issue and he probably knows it. Getting married doesn't give you security, it really doesn't. Even if it would mean him not running away and leaving you with no contact ever again, if things are so wrong that he would consider it in the first place, the marriage would be already broken anyway.

I do sympathise with this though as I had a history of failed relationships when once I fell in love, the guy ran away totally out of the blue (or seemed to be in my views). It's many years later that I realised that it was my insecurities and desperation that suffocated them.

Would you consider counselling? Be careful not to put pressure on him over it as indeed, it could result in the exact opposite of what you want and make him want to break free.

flowersWB · 28/04/2018 08:16

My parents were together for 48 years but didn't get married. My father died last month in an accident. He left no will. My mother isn't entitled to anything. No access to his bank accounts or anything official. She's even struggling to change bills from his name to hers in order to continue paying them! She wouldn't even have been allowed to register his death as she wasn't a family member.
Marriage is important even if just for practical reasons like this.

swingofthings · 28/04/2018 09:42

flowers, I'm really sorry for your loss and it must be horrendous for your mum, but why didn't your father leave a will? The issue is not that they were not married but that he left no will. 48 years is a very long time together, very different to 18 months.

Belindabauer · 28/04/2018 09:55

I think you need to consider what your future plans are.
Do you want to have children with him?
Will he look after the dc so you can go out to work.
I think it is very quick for him.
He met you at a vulnerable time, he agreed with you about marriage. Now be has had time to think he is thinking with a more rational mind.
Be honest with him. Don't sacrifice your future on someone who is not as committed as you are.
Listen to the wise posters who have had experience of this.

If you keep your career and don't have dc then you are in a much stronger position.
Intend having dc and forsaking your income, get married or find someone else.

HipsterAssassin · 28/04/2018 09:59

Agree there is a middle way between 18 months and 48 years.

If there are plans for this couple to have children, marriage is ultimately very important protection for OP. But at 18 months you are both still on best behaviour and don’t know enough about each other yet. It’s too soon.

If not planning to have kids together, there are other ways.

If OP does not ‘feel secure’ in the relationship she should definitely not be seeking to get married.

flowersWB · 28/04/2018 10:23

He left no will because he had no assets. He didn't earn very much and had no pensions to leave on or anything so didn't see it as important, He just had the contents of his bank accounts. It won't be a problem. It will all go to me and my siblings instead and we'll just give it back to my mother. The issue is that she's been made to feel like she was completely insignificant. Their entire relationship reduced to nothing, no agencies would speak to her or involve her. I wouldn't want anyone else to be made to feel that way if the worst happened.

swingofthings · 28/04/2018 10:26

Very sad flowers. Why did they never married if I can ask?

flowersWB · 28/04/2018 10:32

They were 60s hippies. Didn't really believe in it. My mum took his surname in the 70s so that she'd have the same surname as her kids. Banks just happily changed it over back then no deed poll needed etc and the issue never came up. Until now.

Wdigin2this · 28/04/2018 11:43

All I would say is DONT have a baby with him!

SandyY2K · 28/04/2018 14:26

If marriage is important to you...don't compromise.

Don't be offering secret weddings like you're a mistress or someone to be ashamed of.

As he's now declared he isn't ever going to marry you...I personally would be off.

Are you planning on having children?
If so ... I would definetly insist on marriage.... or I'd be off.

I would also never change my name to his...That just seems like desperation to appear married and people will assume you're married with the same surname.

If I had a child it would have my surname.

I remember some years back...a woman changed her surname to her partners by deed poll... then years later she won the lottery. Then he proposed. He never proposed in all the previous years.

Stuff that. I'd have been gone with my money.

Jessikita · 28/04/2018 19:58

I agree with @tawnyport

Viola82 · 28/04/2018 20:09

this your life, only one you have, you want to get married, if he doesn't take this under consideration or doesn't love you enough to do it for you - leave him. you need to put yourself first

TooSassy · 30/04/2018 20:20

I'm going to flip this on it's head. I am the woman in my relationship and my DP is suddenly uber keen to get married.

I am resisting it strongly and it is nothing whatsoever to do with how committed I am to him. He's met my DC's and vice versa and all DC's are starting to bond. That in itself is the biggest commitment and he should know that. BUT I don't want to get married because the thought of it PETRIFIES me! Utterly instills fear into me. And if any of you knew me in RL, you would think that is the last thing going through my mind.

Divorce had a devastating impact on me emotionally and mentally. I am yet to recover from it. The thought of saying 'I do' brings me out in a cold sweat. I have very real emotional issues I am dealing with and I need the space to deal with.

I will say this one thing, there is very little that my DP can say to get me to say yes at this stage. If he loves me, he should respect that I need time to emotionally recover. If he continues to push me, he risks pushing me away.

Think long and hard before forcing this conversation. If my DP gave me an ultimatum tomorrow, I would not pick marriage and it's not because I don't love him or because I'm not committed to him. I think that would be a huge shame...

kitty1013 · 30/04/2018 20:37

Ahh that's a shame @TooSassy
I understand what you are saying.
However I'm sure you don't expect your partner to wait indefinitely.
The OP is very keen for that commitment and we are advising her based on her wants and needs. Equally I'm sure no one would advise you to rush into marriage until you feel comfortable. If that timescale fits in with your partners then that's fine. If not then it could be an issue. Just like any relationship where the partners have different objectives. I hope it all works out well for you. I like to think that my husband would say that second marriages are the best things ever !! Xx

TooSassy · 30/04/2018 22:00

Thanks @kitty, no I don't expect my DP to wait unexpectedly. And I never out too much info on this forum but I my divorce is still only a few years out. I need time.
Unless i misread one of the OP's posts earlier, her DP's divorce only came through 7 months ago! That's no time at all. He needs more time, thats all I'm saying. And I don't think he's unreasonable at all to say no, not yet. If the OP isn't happy to wait, then of course it's her decision to say now or never. Equally she can ask when they can review this conversation and see what he says and take it from there.

kitty1013 · 30/04/2018 22:18

@TooSassy I wasn't being critical of you, not at all. I'm sure it's an experience that does take most people years to get over.

My husband & I talked about marriage before he was legally divorced (hasten to add his Ex had met someone else & moved out 9 months before I met him....I wasn't involved! ). Everyone is different. My husband seems to be a huge exception to the rule. His enthusiasm to marry was touching, bordering on mad after his first experience!! I just needed to know "where we were going". I was mid 30s and getting tired of long term boyfriend relationships that stopped short of marriage & babies.

As it turned out we married only 18 months after his divorce. (He had full time custody of both his children and that accelerated things really because we were an instant family straight away and wanted to give the kids the stability they'd lacked in the last couple of years). I protected my equity with a deed of trust on the house we bought together . Ironic now as he has been the sole earner for 10 years...but at the time I was much better off than him financially...he had nothing! .

Are your DC and his similar ages? I think merging two families must be probably more difficult than the "instant mother" scenario I had...although that was quite tricky too!

TooSassy · 30/04/2018 22:30

@kitty I didn't read your post as being critical. I just wanted to put the other side across. Because it's not all about love and commitment.
I'm stunned my DP wants to get married again after his divorce and maybe he has just processed it differently.

If I was in your shoes at that stage of my life, I'd be exactly the same. But I'm not. I have my DC, my DP has his, no more planned and we are all finding our feet in the new world of us. I like it as it is. I don't see why it needs to change. And yes, with DC's on both sides, I have to make this child lead. We all need more time. Maybe the OP's DP feels this way too?

I'd suggest another calm conversation about the topic. And see what he says.

Neweternal · 30/04/2018 23:18

I know someone in this exact situation. It's the guy I'm closest with and when I turned him down, within months he had moved his girlfriend in. He has two girls, she cooks, cleans and babysits. He is against marriage now, so she won't be getting a ring anytime soon. What surprises me most he continues to flirt with me to the extent I keep assuming they're split up but also no. I conclude when a man doesn't want to marry he is not committed. I wish you luck this must be very upsetting.

swingofthings · 01/05/2018 06:06

I conclude when a man doesn't want to marry he is not committed
Not being committed to the point of marriage when you've only finalised your divorce and only been with that person 18 months is not a flaw, it's actually a very sound decision.

It's OP who is being unreasonable of expecting it in these conditions. It would be different if she posted in 5 or 10 years time.