Will they ever accept me?

[niteandfog]

My boyfriend and I got together via an affair (were not proud of it) but well what's done is done. His children know how we got together and the DS absolutely hates me his DD seems ok/ambivalent about the whole thing. I've told him at last his DS will never ever accept me and that we can kiss the "blended family" dream good bye... I just would to here any stories where the kids actually ended up accepting the ex AP as an actual step parent.

OP the more you write, the worse it gets.

I tried to leave my exH a few times during the years but always told me I was being "hormonal". The truth is that there were at least three pivot points where I should just have left. Mea culpa. He actually does get that my boyfriend was not reason I divorced him so I think that's why my life has been simpler in that regard so to speak.

Oh dear who would have thought a relationship that started with wooing by dick pics whilst you were both still married might run into trouble? It all sounded so romantic.

Just remember you destroyed their family as they knew it. Whether their parents were happy or not, they were together and you have played a massive part in that breaking down. Give them some time to get over the loss of their family dynamic and stop expecting anything from them. They are just kids, probably upset and confused and blaming you.

Only time will tell

How dare you blame her. God this is awful. I dont think i have ever come across someone so self centered.

I don't blame her but I don't think there was any need to drag the children into this. And no I've absolutely never been hopeful the kids would get along with me or even want to see me. Which is something I'll have to figure out how to handle considering my DD is curious bout him me wants to meet him properly

The worst is that this is most likely all true. We all know adults who are completely unable to understand and accept the consequences of their actions even when it comes to their kids.

‘no I've absolutely never been hopeful the kids would get along with me or even want to see me’

So you went into this with this belief, and presumably knowing that that would wreck his relationship with his children? Was he still seeing you while he was going to relate with his wife? Clearly not ideal of his ex to involve their kids in the details, but probably hard for her to explain why their dad lives elsewhere now when it’s not what she wanted (and she was prepared to go to relate with the intention of saving the marriage).

It’s only going to get worse when his kids find out that he’s forging a relationship with your children. I’d say his relationship with you will come at the expense of his relationship with his kids and that’s something you’re both going to have to make your peace with (though you already have since, by your own admission, you knew this would be how it would be). Poor ex wife and poor, poor kids.

@niteandfog how can you be so clueless????
You and your 'bf' have broken up two families & you both expect everyone to get on with it in a matter of weeks??? Wtf!
Get a bloody grip.
Have you any idea of how devastating affairs are for the kids who get left behind???? Your bf sounds like a right catch (not). Any man who walks out on a wife & kids with the attitude my kids will always be there but I need to focus on you in case you leave is a narcissistic gobshite.
Back off & give his poor kids some space to get their heads around the fact that their df has let them down terribly.
Your sister is right - maybe listen to her more than you're listening to your bf.

My step mum was the OW and 17 years on I still think she's a dick and my dad is no better. Even if his ex hadn't said anything to his DC they would still be seeing their mother heartbroken and blame you. HTH

My sister originally supported this whole situation. So it actually came as a surprise when she said “that’s what you get for getting involved with a married man”. I don’t expect ANYONE to get over it this soon. Whenever I hear this, I always think to myself that it will take years but most likely the feelings will always remain. I think there might be hope for him to more or less rebuild a relationship with his children but I can’t be part of it. He’s always been extremely optimistic about this, I’ve always been more of a pragmatist. I think he’ll be able to develop a relationship with my DD which doesn’t seem very fair either. We’d like to have children of our own, but I’m sure that’s gonna take a VERY long time if ever.

Oh it's you.

I'm started to call bullshit on this. No one is this cuntish, oblivious, selfish and down right awful.

Op, answer me this, why are you happy to ruin two families? That is what you are doing. Why are you happy to do that? And why are you happy to be with a 'man' who is happy to abandon his kids for someone as glorious as you?

Wasn't he still shagging his wife though? But you didn't believe it of course LOL this is an utter shitshow and I honestly just feel sorry for the innocent children involved who will eventually be affected by the fall out of your utter selfishness.
People like you, who ruin lives, don't deserve happiness.

Why on earth would you even talk about having a child together when there are these clearly damaged children to deal with? How did you imagine you could maintain a relationship where you live together, have a child, but you have nothing to do with his kids? It seems to me that you have no interest in his kids and have some weird romantic notion that he’ll move in with you, become a great stepdad to your kids (who are totally fine with this all), and then you’ll have your baby together - there is no room for his children in your imagining of this, and he’s in cloud cuckoo land about how they’re going to come round to it. You both need to grow up and put these kids first.

Oh the stereotypes coming out here it's laughable. The poor man stuck in an unhappy marriage but staying out of total dedication for his children until it got too much and he had no choice but to get out for the sake of his own sanity and the fact thst he met someone else just at this time is pure coincidence.

The reality is this: He wasn't that unhappy in his marriage he just wasn't getting all the attention he used to get and started to sulk and feel sorry for himself so he started to look elsewhere to get undivided attention. Then he met you and you made him feel like the most amazing person unlike his wife. Even better you left you OH for him how good was that for his ego!of course he should have done the same right away but he needed more time to consider what he was losing and if it was worth giving it all up for you. Of course he couldn't tell you that so he played the 'I want to make sure that I plan it to minimise the impact because I am a good person who cares'.

The reality is that all his actions were about him and him saying that he thought his kids would be happy for him really proves it.

Unless the kids are little, it's really undermining their intelligence that the only reason they would think so low of him is because of what their mum said. What it looks like is that they got him figured out better than you.

On your 'village witch' thread you vehemently denied being 'involved with married man' iirc.

I think you're wasting posters' time tbh.

"We’d like to have children of our own"

Sorry, OP, it's not my intention to join in condemning you. But I don't think any more children should have this extremely selfish man inflicted as their father. I'm not referring to his infidelity here, but his indifference to his children's distress.

OP, you just need to give it time.

There are plenty of relationships that start off the way yours has where the new partner eventually manage to have a decent relationship with the kids.

I think the key thing is just to let the kids get on with their relationship with their dad, let them have time together with him alone, and don't push to be involved for a good few months at least.

You may find that when the children have had more time to adjust and realised that their dad isn't going anywhere they might be more open to getting to know you. 7 weeks really is too soon to expect anything, they are probably still reeling from their parents splitting.

The dust needs to settle before you can try and build something new.

But what is he supposed to do? Leave me? He has never denied he wants to see them He’s always calling them and clearly in pain. He’s actually started to see his DD again which is a great sign. I’m in absolutely no rush tbh, but I think he sometimes lives in cuckoo land thinking everything will turn out ok in the end

But what is he supposed to do? Leave me?

Well, yeah. Wouldn't you leave him if it meant you could see your kid? I've been happily married for 25 years and love my husband more than life, but if it was a choice between leaving him or seeing my children I wouldn't have to think for a second.

Oh god, you again.

If any of your stories are true I feel so sorry for your daughter.

swingofthings Well exactly the same happened to me... so I don’t know why it couldn’t be his case? Besides between me leaving and him leaving there are only about 10 weeks, it’s just that I’ve had enough. He has no relation to my divorce, he was only the trigger but frankly in that way he’s been the biggest blessing.

He made a decision with consequences. He has to live with them now. My DD friend's dad did exactly the same thing. All three children refuse to have anything to do with him. Nothing to do with their mum their choice. A few months later he broke up with the woman and since has been begging his kids to see him. They are not interested. It's been 18 months.

Not wishing you the same because if you're going to ruin your relationship with your kids you might as well make your relationship with your new partner successful but that's the risk he took when he decided to cheat.

Sorry but 10 weeks is quite a long time if he was intending to leave his wife when he met you.