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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Really?

62 replies

sc93x · 11/04/2018 01:55

So I have my fiances son every 2 weeks, we look after him together whilst living at my partners mums house. I told my partner to stop mollycuddling him as he is 8. And in return I was told I'm not his mum and can't say how he is raised. I have been with him for 5 years so the child was 2 when we got together. Now I feel disconnected. What do i ?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MyOtherUserNameIsAUnicorn · 11/04/2018 02:11

Hi,
Do you have your own children?
Without context it is difficult to tell, but "mollycoddling" is a term that would wind me if if I were accused of it.

Step- parenting is a fine line.. can you contextualise the mollycoddling comment?

Original poster

sc93x · 11/04/2018 02:29

I dont have my own children, but i have seen his son around others when he or his grandma aren't around and he is a lot more independent. Whilst he is here he wont go toilet alone or feed himself.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 11/04/2018 06:22

You don't have your fiance's son, he does. Maybe you are a bit too involved? You might be right that he is mollycuddling him, or maybe you are wrong, but either way, if you want your opinion to be listened to, you might have to reconsider how you share it, as if you do so in an accusatory way, you are inevitably going to get a defensive response.

You might want to back off a bit as you might be too emotionally involved.

Coyoacan · 11/04/2018 06:39

I've no experience of being a step-parent, but I had a friend whose partner was a workaholic and she had the step-children full time. And he still undermined her and told her that she had no say and no right to discipline them.

In your case, it is obvious that your partner and his mother are doing the child no favours.

NorthernSpirit · 11/04/2018 07:06

It’s a difficult one and as others have said, a fine line. I’m a SM to 2 children.

You have to agree with your OH how ‘he’ wants to parent. In my case, my OH does the discipline and we’ve agreed I can pick them up on things. Personally I would get annoyed at no being allowed an opinion.

As far as the comment ‘you are not his mum and don’t get a say’. Correct you aren’t his mum, but you are an adult in the child’s life who spends time with him. I find that comment quite disrespectful. If that’s the case - I would step back and let him parent how he wants (and it will be up to him to deal with the consequences). An 8 year old should be able to go to the toilet and feed himself (I have a 8 year old DSS and he’s more than capable).

ohreallyohreallyoh · 11/04/2018 07:20

n your case, it is obvious that your partner and his mother are doing the child no favours

The OP has written a handful of lines and not one mentioned the child’s mother. How on earth can you make a judgement that the child’s mother has a hand to play in his behaviour when he is at his father’s home?

Penfold007 · 11/04/2018 07:22

You say 'I have my fiancée son every two weeks' does this mean he is expecting you to provide most of the childcare? He's right your not DSS's parent so I'd stop being his carer.

Veterinari · 11/04/2018 07:24

Because the comment clearly refers to her partner’s mother, in whose home they live, not the child’s mother, who no one has mentioned.

swingofthings · 11/04/2018 07:25

I find that comment quite disrespectful
As hinted before, a disrespectful comment as a response to a disrespectful one OP made. If you are going to be tactless in the way you express your opinions, don't be surprised to get a response that is not going to be nice.

WhiteCat1704 · 11/04/2018 07:31

This kind of shit makes you disengage and leads to resentment...Your partner sounds disrespectful to you..and a 8year old who won't go to toilet or eat by himself sounds like a nightmare..

Is your partner absolutely amazing in other areas? If not why are you with him?

Prettylovely · 11/04/2018 07:34

An 8year old with no additional needs should be feeding themselves and going to the toilet themselves. How he parents his child will most likely be how he parents your future children. I would rethink about being with someone like that.

NotTakenUsername · 11/04/2018 07:39

n your case, it is obvious that your partner and his mother are doing the child no favours

I read this as childs father and grandmother.

user1493413286 · 11/04/2018 07:43

It sounds like you’re right that he is babied but i think the way you talk to his dad about it is important as it sounds like you’ve hit a sensitive spot for your partner.
A couple of years ago I felt that my DSD was being babied by my dh and when I spoke to him about it I realised that he was almost trying to make up for not being there all the time by doing everything for her when he did have her. I think he also hadn’t quite realised how independent she could be.
Since then he has stopped a bit but if he wants to do extra things for her on the 2 days out of 14 that he sees her I let it go. It won’t last forever and my DSD has all those skills

AuntieStella · 11/04/2018 07:58

"I read this as childs father and grandmother"

So did I, because no-one had mentioned the DS's mother. But it's not completely clear, as the 'his' could refer to the DS (not the DP) so it's bound to be read that way by some.

OP: using judgemental language such as 'mollycoddling' is bound to raise hackles. The behaviour you describe is however extreme - is he incapable of doing those things himself, or is it some kind of weird running joke?

Highhorse1981 · 11/04/2018 08:01

Bit concerning you feel disconnected after one comment

It’s your Relationship with your stepchild. It shouldn’t be so easily disrupted by one comment.

swingofthings · 11/04/2018 08:20

Of course many parents choose to colly muddle their children rightly or wrongly and criticized or not it is indeed their choice. He shouldn't have to stop just because you have an issue with it.

You need to decide whether you can live with it or whether you can but need to take a step back. You don't have to look after him in your own.

CircleofWillis · 11/04/2018 09:29

When you say feed himself Di you mean get his own food or do you mean someone is placing food into the child’s mouth?

BubblesAndSquarks · 11/04/2018 09:46

It's twice month, if I saw my children that infrequently I'd definitely be babying them a bit if they wanted it. It must be hard for him to bond with him as a dad with that amount of time compared to a parent living with their child, it sounds like he's just making an effort to make DS happy.
He's 8, it won't be an issue for much longer and it's not often that he's even there I'd just leave it.

Original poster

sc93x · 11/04/2018 12:58

Both - he doesn't put his own food in - which is fine, but he won't feed himself and if he has to he will take up to 2 hours to eat. I understand that OH wants to give DS the affection he can't provide during the week but surely there is a limit to how much "babying" he does or am I wrong? I feel it's important to allow him to have that little bit of independence that 8 year olds have. He has no difficulties and is perfectly healthy. The comment he made had hit me hard as we are supposed to be as equal as we could be when he is under our care. The time and effort I put into DS surely should have been recognized for something. I cant just turn my emotions off and I do feel disengaged and have taken a step back from DS. My OH commented that I dont play with him anymore and doesn't feel that he has said anything wrong. I know im not his biological mum but over the years he has told me he is "our" child and I need to see him as my child which I did. Now I dont know what to do. He is good in other areas but there's always room for improvement with everybody.

OP posts:

Original poster

sc93x · 11/04/2018 13:19

And just to add - DP allows DSS to call me a cow, a lazy cow, DP also argues infront of DSS which is then found to be funny by the little one.

OP posts:

NotTakenUsername · 11/04/2018 13:38

He is good in other areas

You will have to elaborate because your latest update is not good at all.

Arapaima · 11/04/2018 13:47

Do you sometimes care for DS without DP being there? If so I think you need to have some autonomy in your role as a nearly-step parent. Although you were maybe a bit tactless to use the word mollycoddling.

That is absolutely shocking about DP allowing his DS to call you a lazy cow and I would be furious with him

Original poster

sc93x · 11/04/2018 13:53

He is good in other areas such as he provides for me even though we both work full time. He will go out of his way to drop me places as I dont have a car yet he cooks for me at times, he does generally care about me but at the same time he is very critical about me and my flaws. He does alot for me it's the little things that makes all the difference which I can't deny. But on the other hand if DSS is around and I ask DP to help me around the house his excuse is he is looking after DSS (playing) if not that then he will nap for a few hours. The lazy cow comment they both found hilarious and didn't stop laughing. I say things how I see them maybe i shouldn't have used the mollycuddle word but in all honesty thats how it comes across. DSS constantly needs approval from DP even if it comes to talking to people when we are out or going down the slide at the park.

OP posts:

Original poster

sc93x · 11/04/2018 13:54

We are not in contact with DSS mum. It is through a 3rd party which is not any of my business so i choose to stay out of that.

OP posts:

Original poster

sc93x · 11/04/2018 13:55

There are times where i care for DSS alone i try and utilize our time together by doing activities or going to the park until DP gets back.

OP posts:

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