Really?

[sc93x]

So I have my fiances son every 2 weeks, we look after him together whilst living at my partners mums house. I told my partner to stop mollycuddling him as he is 8. And in return I was told I'm not his mum and can't say how he is raised. I have been with him for 5 years so the child was 2 when we got together. Now I feel disconnected. What do i ?

[incywincybitofa]

None of us are perfect, but we all deserve to be respected by the person we want to spend the rest of our life with. To be listened to and valued as a person and a sounding board and appreciated for all we do in a relationship, and you don't have that.
I think you need a week away, far away maybe even abroad, with friends or family if you can. Somewhere that you can't go back the next morning and he can't come round and talk you round. So that you can have some time to relax and remember what that felt like and to think about what you want.
You are engaged, do you want to be posting on mumsnet in 10 years time about your husband son and step son calling you names and laughing? Or posting about how distant you are from family/have no friends?
If your family are worried then turn to them. You need to feel loved and confident and they can offer some of that back to you, but you aren't feeling that right now.

[Lkjem]

A 31 year old man dating a 19 year old girl is weird. He has complete control over you be because the has groomed you!
Now you're too afraid of life to free yourself which is was his intention. He dated you because a women his own age would have told him to piss off.
Sometimes threads on here are quite frightening and this is one. It is so obvious you have been groomed and now are being emotionally abused and controlled to such an extent you aren't even allowed out.
You have lost your confidence as a result of an abusive relationship.
Talk to your mum. Alone!
Since you only managed one night away before returning to your abuser he has even more power.
I hope you get out I really do.

[Magda72]

@sc93x - sorry to be so blunt, but from what you have written it would appear that you are involved in a very emotionally abusive relationship.
A classic symptom of a relationship such as this is you are controlled through false care, ie his attentions appear caring (waiting for you after work, going to family events for your sake despite him disliking your family) but which are in reality very controlling & designed to rob you of your independence & your self esteem, ensuring you get no proper social time away from him; time where you might see your life in a different context & start questioning his behaviour.
In my opinion you need to leave home before your self esteem is fully eroded. Get family support & counseling for yourself. You deserve a happy life with someone who respects you.
Good luck 💐.

[sc93x]

I try and communicate face to face and it get dismissed as me going off on one. He will text me his problems and then i ask to talk but it doesn't happen as soon as i say anything according to him I become "defensive" instead of listening to my opinion or thoughts.

[sc93x]

I have tried to leave him, I left for a night but instantly wanted to be with DP when I woke up. Which made me go running back. This was last year. My family would support me but the thought of going back to my previous life is daunting. DP isn't perfect and neither am I but i can only express my feelings. He may feel what he is doing is completely acceptable but i deserve respect too. I've constantly mentioned he has no respect for me. If I'm honest, I dont even know how he should respect me or how I deserve to be respected. I met him so young at 19 and believed he wanted his life with me.

[AloaBoa]

First I think you were right, any neureotypical eight year old is perfectly capable of feeding themselves and going to the toilet by themselves. Treating a child of that age like a toddler is damaging to their development.

Your dp sounds horrendous. He is disrespectful, contemptuous, belittling and bullying. You deserve better than that. You can do better than that.

[incywincybitofa]

Your head it’s fed by the braver part of your heart
You sound lovely and caring these five years can shape you one way or another.
It sounds like your family would support you if you left
How about a week away or do you know you wouldn’t want to go back

[sc93x]

Pmsl. Yes he is a twat thats why he is still single at 38 years old. But so is DP for not sticking up for me.

[sc93x]

MIL can look after SS as much as she likes I'm not wasting my time or energy with him anymore. DP has moaned I dont play with SS anymore i said why should i im not his mum remember hes not my responsibility when he is here anymore. Follow your head or heart?

[incywincybitofa]

People can be judged by their friends, his friend was a twat and he didn't do anything about it.

[sc93x]

Tbh my family have said the same. They want me to Live my life and think about me. I cant seem to let go of DP. I've looked at it on the other hand too and I see the same thing your saying. We once went out with his friends and infront of me his friend said he had "settled " for me. Instead of defending our relationship he stayed quiet.

[incywincybitofa]

SC93X
You can read your post a couple of ways.
He has made you financially dependent on him, or he has financially helped you out
He meets you after work so you can get home safely (safe from what?), or so you can't socialize with people from work
he accompanies you to family events....where it would be a HUGE no not to go, or where you might meet people to enjoy time with and realise how little you have that, or heaven forbid come across other men.
He makes spending time with your family awkward which probably whittles away at the closeness
AND he knew what his mum would be like to you when you moved in together.
Let his mum take care of SS get out there and taste the world.
I think if you popped onto Relationships and wrote out some of this stuff you might find wiser people than me offering more helpful advice, but if I were your mum/sister/friend I would be worried about your situation.

[sc93x]

I understand where your coming from and completely understand what your saying. He does provide for me financially and with work he supports me by waiting for me everyday for 45 mins - as he finishes earlier than me - just to make sure I get home safe, he accompanies me to family events on occasion but does try and avoid them at all costs as he doesn't like my family. I do try and spend time at my parents house sometimes with DP - but he doesnt like staying long and sometimes without which is when I can relax and not have to worry about whether DP is bored or if he wants to leave he does take me there or pick me up. He provided for me when i was unemployed and put a roof over my head after we were kicked out during my period of unemployment, worked extra hours so we both wouldn't go without essentials. I think the MIL plays a huge part since we have moved back recently as she thinks I am incapable as well. Instead of asking or accepting my help she would rather look after SS by herself if DP is not around.

[incywincybitofa]

You’d cope, believe it or not you would cope.
What does he give you that you would loose? I don’t want to sound harsh But the odd lift and he cooks you a meal now and then
He doesn’t make you feel cherished
Doesn’t respect you in front of others
Doesn’t value your input with his son when you spend lots of time with the boy
How does he show support?
Given your social life is so isolated I would say you need to look at the life he’s building up around you and then question why he’d encourage you to be so isolated.
Do you manage to spend time with your family?

[sc93x]

I wouldnt know where to start if I left I am scared of the unknown as we have built a life together over the past 5 years and I'm worried as to how I would cope with a life without DP

[sc93x]

How much worse could it get? We have some good times and he treats me amazingly at times but the bad times are bad. I wouldn't have classed it as an abusive relationship unless there is something i am missing? I work unsociable hours starting early afternoon finishing late at night so it leaves me with not alot of time to be able to join any social clubs. Atm I am saving as I need to get a vehicle which is a priority for me in order to gain my independence back.

[BubblesAndSquarks]

From your updates op, I don't see any benefit to you staying in this relationship. It doesn't sound like you're happy so is it more a case of being scared of the unknown after so long of being together?

You are young, you have so much time to build a relationship and future with someone who makes you happy. If you want children down the line then I can't imagine he'd be the kind of dad you'd want to parent with.
You said you're working, are you able to save up enough to move into a house share preferably with a group of girls? If you look through estate agents near you there's likely to be somewhere suitable. I suggest house share as maybe living with others would help with the initial separation so you're not alone.

[Coyoacan]

I think you might do well to take the Freedom Programme, OP.

It is hard to move out, self-finance and find somewhere new, but there are women with children in tow who have to leave abusive relationships.

[SciFiG33k]

You are too young OP to put up with all of this. Leave him and find someone who is actually lovely, fun, wants to take you on nice dates and have a sex life with you. Basically he is just using you to look after his DS when he doesn't want to. He wants to have his cake and eat it to. He has told you he wants you to care for his DS as an equal to him but you aren't allowed any say.
So many red flags. Run before you waste any more of your life on him.

[NotTakenUsername]

and it would be difficult to leave

If he knows this then that is why he feels he can get away with his behaviour. Can you join a social club of some sort? Learn a new language? Take an evening course at college...? Sports? Crafts?

This will only get worse as your self worth plummets. Come on op, it’s time to mobilise. You are 24, you have loads of life left to find someone who knows your worth!

[Prettylovely]

I agree it will only get worse. He has no respect for you.

[Ellie56]

Massive red flags here OP. It will only get worse.

A family home bursting at the seams is infinitely preferable to a home where you are treated like shit not just by a grown up arsehole, but an 8 year old one too.

Time to pack your bags OP. This is not a good relationship.

[NorthernSpirit]

I meant his son (not yours)

[NorthernSpirit]

Your OH allows your son to call you a cow and a lazy cow. The man has no respect for you and he should not allow that behaviour. He is not teaching his son to have respect.

I couldn’t be with someone like that.

[sc93x]

I feel i deserve better but i do love him and it would be difficult to leave as I wouldn't have anywhere else to go. My family home is bursting at the seems as it is. As for an au pair to sleep with- we hardly have sex anymore as he consistently tired me out when accusing me of not initiating sex when that simply wasn't the case. Once he said to me "It's my turn to be on top as he was last time" kind of pushed me away but i still did initiate at times.