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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Really?

62 replies

sc93x · 11/04/2018 01:55

So I have my fiances son every 2 weeks, we look after him together whilst living at my partners mums house. I told my partner to stop mollycuddling him as he is 8. And in return I was told I'm not his mum and can't say how he is raised. I have been with him for 5 years so the child was 2 when we got together. Now I feel disconnected. What do i ?

OP posts:

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incywincybitofa · 11/04/2018 14:48

Honestly SC93X he might do the odd nice thing to keep you sweet but I wouldn't say your DP treats you well, and he is raising a son not to treat you well.
If his relationship with his ex has broken down to such an extent that contact is handled through a third party I think that speaks volumes (I appreciate there are two sides to every story but you aren't painting a picture of someone lovely)
You aren't disengaged because you want what's best for your SS, you are disengaged because you are with a man that is keeping you down.

Dancingmonkey87 · 11/04/2018 14:54

Why on earth are you with this man. If the child is 8 and has no additional needs then he needs to be doing stuff for himself? I’m a mother of a 9 year old. How does your dp think he copes at school?

Coyoacan · 11/04/2018 14:58

What incywincybitofa said, I'm afraid.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 11/04/2018 15:00

Tricky area!

Having spent many years with the child then I think you do have some say in parenting. However the main style of parenting will always be decided by his Mum and Dad. It does sound quite extreme though, not being able to feed etc. That’s a worry in any child.

NellytheElephant18 · 11/04/2018 15:02

I think I’d become suddenly ‘very busy’ and definitely too busy to look after a child that wasn’t mine. I guess DP will have to start arranging childcare for ‘his’ DS pronto.

WhiteCat1704 · 11/04/2018 15:13

What NellytheElephant wrote

sc93x · 11/04/2018 16:55

I completely agree it's taken 5 years to realise I'm being manipulated. There is also a 12 year age gap im only24. I try to occupy myself nd go out when SS is here but he always wants to come with me. I dont have many friends either. Me and DP have not been out on a date in years shopping here and there but nothing romantic no matter how much I ask his priority is to not spend money. I now refuse to take him to the toilet or feed him as I know he can do it himself as I've seen when he is not at home with DP and MIL. I feel like an outsider whenever SS is here. Everytime I mention it to DP he accuses me of "going off on one" instead of seeing it as a discussion he goes to sleep in order to stop me talking. I dont know what is normal in a relationship with both DP and SS anymore i dont know what to do

OP posts:

Allthebestnamesareused · 11/04/2018 16:59

He sees you as an au pair so I would leave and let him get on with it.

Arapaima · 11/04/2018 17:02

OP, you're so young and it sounds to me like you deserve better than this.

incywincybitofa · 11/04/2018 18:03

You do deserve better than that, and there are people out there who will treat you better than that.
Do you have people you can turn to if you left him? You sound very isolated.
I know for you this has been the moment, but actually from what you have written there is a lot wrong in how you are being treated.

Coyoacan · 11/04/2018 18:04

That doesn't sound like fun.

NotTakenUsername · 11/04/2018 18:47

He sees you as an au pair he can presumably sleep with so I would leave and let him get on with it.

He doesn’t sound very nice at all.

sc93x · 11/04/2018 19:13

I feel i deserve better but i do love him and it would be difficult to leave as I wouldn't have anywhere else to go. My family home is bursting at the seems as it is. As for an au pair to sleep with- we hardly have sex anymore as he consistently tired me out when accusing me of not initiating sex when that simply wasn't the case. Once he said to me "It's my turn to be on top as he was last time" kind of pushed me away but i still did initiate at times.

OP posts:

NorthernSpirit · 11/04/2018 19:19

Your OH allows your son to call you a cow and a lazy cow. The man has no respect for you and he should not allow that behaviour. He is not teaching his son to have respect.

I couldn’t be with someone like that.

NorthernSpirit · 11/04/2018 19:19

I meant his son (not yours)

Ellie56 · 11/04/2018 19:26

Massive red flags here OP. It will only get worse.

A family home bursting at the seams is infinitely preferable to a home where you are treated like shit not just by a grown up arsehole, but an 8 year old one too.

Time to pack your bags OP. This is not a good relationship.

Prettylovely · 11/04/2018 19:33

I agree it will only get worse. He has no respect for you.

NotTakenUsername · 11/04/2018 19:41

and it would be difficult to leave

If he knows this then that is why he feels he can get away with his behaviour. Can you join a social club of some sort? Learn a new language? Take an evening course at college...? Sports? Crafts?

This will only get worse as your self worth plummets. Come on op, it’s time to mobilise. You are 24, you have loads of life left to find someone who knows your worth!

SciFiG33k · 11/04/2018 20:08

You are too young OP to put up with all of this. Leave him and find someone who is actually lovely, fun, wants to take you on nice dates and have a sex life with you. Basically he is just using you to look after his DS when he doesn't want to. He wants to have his cake and eat it to. He has told you he wants you to care for his DS as an equal to him but you aren't allowed any say.
So many red flags. Run before you waste any more of your life on him.

Coyoacan · 11/04/2018 20:31

I think you might do well to take the Freedom Programme, OP.

It is hard to move out, self-finance and find somewhere new, but there are women with children in tow who have to leave abusive relationships.

BubblesAndSquarks · 11/04/2018 21:03

From your updates op, I don't see any benefit to you staying in this relationship. It doesn't sound like you're happy so is it more a case of being scared of the unknown after so long of being together?

You are young, you have so much time to build a relationship and future with someone who makes you happy. If you want children down the line then I can't imagine he'd be the kind of dad you'd want to parent with.
You said you're working, are you able to save up enough to move into a house share preferably with a group of girls? If you look through estate agents near you there's likely to be somewhere suitable. I suggest house share as maybe living with others would help with the initial separation so you're not alone.

sc93x · 11/04/2018 22:04

How much worse could it get? We have some good times and he treats me amazingly at times but the bad times are bad. I wouldn't have classed it as an abusive relationship unless there is something i am missing? I work unsociable hours starting early afternoon finishing late at night so it leaves me with not alot of time to be able to join any social clubs. Atm I am saving as I need to get a vehicle which is a priority for me in order to gain my independence back.

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sc93x · 11/04/2018 22:06

I wouldnt know where to start if I left I am scared of the unknown as we have built a life together over the past 5 years and I'm worried as to how I would cope with a life without DP

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incywincybitofa · 11/04/2018 22:50

You’d cope, believe it or not you would cope.
What does he give you that you would loose? I don’t want to sound harsh But the odd lift and he cooks you a meal now and then
He doesn’t make you feel cherished
Doesn’t respect you in front of others
Doesn’t value your input with his son when you spend lots of time with the boy
How does he show support?
Given your social life is so isolated I would say you need to look at the life he’s building up around you and then question why he’d encourage you to be so isolated.
Do you manage to spend time with your family?

sc93x · 11/04/2018 23:52

I understand where your coming from and completely understand what your saying. He does provide for me financially and with work he supports me by waiting for me everyday for 45 mins - as he finishes earlier than me - just to make sure I get home safe, he accompanies me to family events on occasion but does try and avoid them at all costs as he doesn't like my family. I do try and spend time at my parents house sometimes with DP - but he doesnt like staying long and sometimes without which is when I can relax and not have to worry about whether DP is bored or if he wants to leave he does take me there or pick me up. He provided for me when i was unemployed and put a roof over my head after we were kicked out during my period of unemployment, worked extra hours so we both wouldn't go without essentials. I think the MIL plays a huge part since we have moved back recently as she thinks I am incapable as well. Instead of asking or accepting my help she would rather look after SS by herself if DP is not around.

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