Announcing pregnancy to step children

[clairehr]

Just curious as to how people have gone about this?

Worried about how his ex-wife will react (she already manipulates and uses the children e.g. "daddy left us so we have to have a smaller house and you can't go to a good school any more") and therefore how OHs two boys will react.

Boys are currently 8 and 4 and we are in cycle three of trying for a baby. They are fantastic with their little cousins and excited about being step cousins to my brothers baby due in June.

PS I get on well with the boys!

goodness me your partner is a bit....incontinent, isn't he?
if the youngest one is 4 and you are in cycle 3 of IVF?

I think you should just tell them. They probably have a good idea already, small children are like that.
Doesn't matter what their mother thinks really, as long as she doesn't take it out on them.

could I just say though...
if you refer to them as 'step cousins' and 'half brothers' they might feel a bit...insecure..at this age.

Sorry, not IVF, just our 3rd cycle of trying to conceive.

We don't refer to them as step or half during every day life, was only to make it easier to write and understand here :) We decided from the very beginning that step anything wouldn't feature as we don't feel it's fair on them :)

oh that's really lovely that you have thought about it.

I am a 'half sister' and hate being called that, but they insist on it all the time, even my children were 'half nephews' etc..:(

Honestly just tell them...

Dullandold three cycles of IVF could take around a year so not sure how this makes the DH incontinent.

well think about it.

DullandOld- a bit judgemental!

Clairehr Ignore the ex. Rise above it and maintain dignity at all time. Trust me, this will pay off in the long run, even if it takes years. Decide what your own standards of behaviour are, and stick to them. The little boys may have some ups and downs with their new sibling but that's normal family life. You'll get there in the end.

Incontinent? Am I missing something?

Incontinent like 💩?

sorry I meant 'sexually incontinent'...

Sorry OP, I hope it all goes well, but he is a fast worker isn't he?

DullandOld you know nothing whatsoever about the circumstances of this man's relationships- because it's none of your business. Clairehr came on here to ask advice about dealing with step children. Nothing more.

See above post DullandOld. Not IVF, just our third cycle of trying to conceive. We have been together 2 years. He split with his wife when his youngest (who wasnt planned) was 6 months old.

Thanks for feedback everyone. I guess 'Just telling them' sounds so simple, I'm perhaps making it out to be more than it is. I just don't want them to feel left out, or second best, or to be turned against us or baby by EW I guess.

my apologies Claire xx

@ItWillAllBeFine Thank you for that! Don't worry, I don't let things like that get to me :)

You sound pretty thoughtful clairehr. I'm sure you'll be fine!

Well to be blunt you’re not pregnant yet so I wouldn’t give it too much head space for the time being.

I’m guessing that what Dull is referring to is the fact that this man has a four year old and is already trying for a baby with someone else so one would assume they’ve been together a couple of years esp if the children are already talking about being a cousin etc to other babies.

OP says the ex is very bitter. Is she really? Or is it the case that her h left her meaning she is now a single parent having to manage with much less and who is potentially facing the prospect of CM being decreased if her ex has another baby with someone else?

DullAndOld what is the purpose of your comments? Op was asking for advice on how to help her step kids

Op, my mum used to say things about my dad and his family to me. Because my dad's family were always loving and consistent, and because they made me feel such a part of their family, after a while what mum said only put me off her. I suppose my point is you can't control what the mum says, but keep loving, and taking to your sk's

About the baby, when you tell them offer lots of reassurance that the love for them won't change and they'll be another person to love them too. Keep them really involved in everything. Let them have an important role

When we told dss he was going to have a little brother or sister he cheered. I also said how much I’d always longed for a big brother myself and how happy I was that my baby was going to have one.

And fwiw unplanned is irrelevant really tbh.

From a practical point of view though if you do fall pregnant I would say that you don’t tell them until you’re at least twelve weeks as the first twelve weeks are when MC is very common unfortunately, so you don’t want to be faced with telling them and then having to tell them the worst iyswim.

If another baby is going to lead to reductions in CM etc then the ex feeling unhappy about it is understandable, although I don’t agree with any ex turning DC against the baby.

We told dsd Mum a few days before we told dsd so she was prepared, but we don’t have a bad relationship.

We waited till after our 8 week scan to tell dsd so we had a picture of her little brother/sister. We then went out for cake to celebrate!

It was nice to do something all together after but we made sure that we were at home on our own where she felt safe when we did actually tell her she was going to be a big sister.

She had lots of questions over the few weeks after so I would just say listen to any concerns and be around to reassure. I’m bet they will be super excited! Good luck with everything

We have already had two MCs so the planning to tell had already started when we fell pregnant the first time, we weren't telling anyone until the 12 week scan. No one knows we are trying, EW included (she also doesn't know about the MCs, it is only our parents who do), and she has said things to the children about their Dad before this anyway. The comment I put was an example from a while ago, and not regarding maintenance (it was when she decided to move closer to her parents and therefore had to downsize and move schools). I had not planned on giving out detail on ex relationship or children but felt I needed to clear Dull's view as it seemed assumed that they had only just split.

I am (I believe quite naturally) naturally concerned about how EW will take news should we fall pregnant again and how, considering comments previously made, this could be used to make the BOYS feel.

Thank you to all for advice. Those who have done this previously - what questions were raised. Have there been periods where the children have brought it up as an issue?

Those who have been the 'step' children - was it broached well? What things would have helped you at the time?

The best thing to do is tell them and then involve them in everything during the pregnancy.

I'm currently 36 weeks pregnant with 3 amazing DSC. we told them after our first scan. They were very excited however also had the issue of their mum and they were scared how she would react.. long story short she didn't act very nice ( ended up having an argument in the steeet with my DP and attacking him and telling me I hope the baby dies and that I die all in front of the DSC. )

Even though their mum reacted like that, it hasn't stopped them being excited! They talk to my belly all the time and hug it and kiss it.

Just have to remember that the children are the important ones not their mum! :)

@KittenCamille I think telling ex before children is only fair, I dont want to be ambushing anyone! We don't have a BAD relationship, so hoping that it could be done in a similar way, we all go out for children's birthdays so don't see why we can't talk as adults.

Do you know is DSD ever asked her mum about it all or what questions were raised at her end?

If the youngest is 4, you have been together for 2years and already had miscarriages you are moving very fast. Both him and you and both of you together.
Don't know why they split but being on your own with a 6year old and 2year old couldn't have been easy..