Announcing pregnancy to step children

[clairehr]

Just curious as to how people have gone about this?

Worried about how his ex-wife will react (she already manipulates and uses the children e.g. "daddy left us so we have to have a smaller house and you can't go to a good school any more") and therefore how OHs two boys will react.

Boys are currently 8 and 4 and we are in cycle three of trying for a baby. They are fantastic with their little cousins and excited about being step cousins to my brothers baby due in June.

Amazing how many judgements and assumptions are being made.
Anything more on the title subject please? :)

@sprinks Your SKs sound so excited! That's all I want, to make sure that they're as excited and involved as possible and still feel all the love they do now from all sides :)

I am (I believe quite naturally) naturally concerned about how EW will take news should we fall pregnant again and how, considering comments previously made, this could be used to make the BOYS feel
You can't control that and really, it all depends on the situation. As you're describing it, you seems to have decided to try for a baby quickly if you consider the age of the youngest, separation, meeting you, starting a relationship and then 2 MC.

In the end, what you do is none of her business. However, there might be reasonable reasons why she could indeed not be impressed, if for instance he hasn't been paying much or any maintenance (as in in my case).

@swingofthings Maintenance is paid every week, on time, and over the amount required by law. Plus after school activities, presents, parties, a car and 80% of the value of the house has also been paid to her so the boys have a stable home as she works part time.

He has been split for 3.5 years. She cheated after youngest was born and asked for a divorce. He left.

I have known him long enough (longer than we've been together) to know I want children with him, and he says likewise about me. MCs have both been in the last 6 months.

However, none of this should have needed to be mentioned as it's no-one else's business 😂 if we're ready, we're ready.

Thank you to those who have actually helped me think of how to approach the subject.

Shame so many people here have judged and assumed things. Relationships are complicated. Splits are also complicated.

I will pass no further comments here.

Shame so many people here have judged and assumed things
No offence but you are the one that seems to be assuming that she is likely to react badly at the news and twist the boys feelings as a result. I was trying to think of reasons why that would be.

If you (or more like your OH) has nothing to feel bad about, then why imagining the worse? Look forward to the good news and sharing it with them.

who the hell has enough energy to have an affair with a toddler anda 6 month old.

Complete respect for her ability to multiskill so well - I was so knackered, sex was the alst thing on my mind at that point!!!

Sorry no help OP- other than to tell the mum before the DCS. Ex did not do that and the DCS were distraught, took me 2 days to get it out of them. They had already pretty well lost Daddy and his new DP, said when they told him - he will be too occupied with the new baby to keep driving to see you all the time.

It is the one and only time I have yelled at him since he went off with the OW.

I spent many hours explaining how great a new baby would be, eldest took more convincing, less to the younger. We bought little toys and onesies they liked - stuck in my gut but in the end they love their sib and that is what matters - I have perfected the plastic grin!

Clairehr im 28 wks so my experience is limited.

Dsd main questions to her mum have been about her own pregnancy and birth, does she also have scan photos etc. It’s been quite nice for them both in that way.

She is 9 so does make explaining things easier. We are having a private scan so she can come along and see the baby. She is very excited.

I would say patience is important, just listen to them and really pay attention over the following weeks.

Tbf I would judge a man for walking out on his wife who had a 6month old baby and another child.

Tbf I would judge a man for walking out on his wife who had a 6month old baby and another child.

What, even after she cheated and wanted to divorce? Doesnt sound like she was begging him not to leave to me.

There's a lot of the typical MN "step mothers are always wrong" reaction here for you OP.

Perhaps worth sparing a thought to why XW was supposedly seeking consolation elsewhere with a tiny baby and older child OP. I can’t quite imagine anyone having the stamina for this. It is also doesn’t really tie in with the ‘daddy left us’ angle. Was he being a good husband and father?

Remember you have only heard one side of the story.

Perhaps worth sparing a thought to why XW was supposedly seeking consolation elsewhere with a tiny baby and older child OP. I can’t quite imagine anyone having the stamina for this. It is also doesn’t really tie in with the ‘daddy left us’ angle. Was he being a good husband and father?

Remember you have only heard one side of the story.

This your dp told you this, he’s not going to excately say he cheated or just decided not to be together is he? My ex left when my ds one he was out cheating on me with his ex but he would tell everyone else a completely different story, apparently I was the cheat EA etc when it was him. I always raise a brow when someone leaves there partner and baby then quickly gets into a new relationship.

People say stepmothers get a bad time but I think exwifes can equally get a bad time and often or not the new partner gets an altered version of events.

I can’t believe this thread!
This woman is asking for advice on how to ensure her SCs feel loved and happy when she finally gets pregnant with a child she and her DP are trying for and you’re all ripping her relationship to shreds?!
What on earth!!!
Also why is it so hard to believe that a woman could have an affair whilst being a mother to a young child?
The same happened with my DP’s ex. She went back to work when their youngest was 6 months old and began an affair with a work colleague, DP suspects an emotional affair actually during her pregnancy that turned physical after the baby was born.

And to @Solasum implying that is must be his fault his wife cheated?! Jesus fucking Christ!!! Would you say that to a woman who had been cheated on? That she somehow neglected her husband and caused it? People have affairs for all sorts of reasons and it’s not fair to victim blame the person who DID’NT cheat on their spouse.
Honestly I’m actually appalled at the responses on here.

And of course you only hear one side of the story when it comes to a break up, but what he is telling his new partner is what he felt, his reality because that’s the only perspective he has. That’s normal isn’t it?

OP you sound very caring and the SCs seem like they’re happy in the current set up. If and when the time comes that you’re able to give them a sibling I would just keep doing what you’re doing. Lots of love, reassurance, include them as much as you can and let them have lots of alone time with their dad so they don’t start to feel like they’re losing him.
If his ex tries to make it negative then fight it with twice as much positivity when they are with you.

Good luck

TinaGurner perfectly put. This thread is just awful. Here is a woman wanting the best for her family, SCs and all, comes on here looking for some advice and gets hijacked by all sorts of people jumping to conclusions based on nothing but their own issues. Very unsisterly.

I cannot believe how many people on here think the circumstances/timing of your getting together is any of their business.
As per your question.. Projecting from my world to yours - which is the difficult ex bit.
In your shoes I would tell the children they are going to have a little bro/sis and then have your partner inform their Mum before he next takes them back. That way you are in control of how they hear the news and she doesn’t just hear it from them.
Good luck with everything.

Come on..she got together with a men who had 2 young children, one only 6 months old. It's so difficult in those yearly months it's interesting HE had time for a new relationship...and his ex had time for an affair..that must have been an angel baby :/

Usually after break up there should be some time off..it sounds off that there wasn't..

As for how to tell them..wait till 12week scan and afterwards just tell them..
You can tell the ex first but it depends on your relationship with her..

We didn't tell the ex. DSD was told after 3months scan..she was very excited but was 14 not 4..we took her to 2 private scans one to find out the gender and she loved being involved

It is disappointing to see that the people making the negative comments to the OP about her relationship. (None of which have been asked for btw) all seem to be from people who have been left by their partners. - almost exclusively for OW.
Whilst that is deeply upsetting and life changing , looking up the step parent boards and projecting your anger and bitterness at a poster who is simply asking for advice in order to make her dcs lives more comfortable. Is completely out of order. !

The step parenting boards are meant to be a safe place for step parents to get advice and support (and yes, to vent) about a life experience that is incredibly difficult to negotiate at times.

To be left by your partner, through his fault, your fault or a combination of circumstances is very hard, but coming on to step parenting boards and ASSUMING that all step mothers are OW, that all husbands of the new relationship are feckless adulterous maintenance dodgers is unfair, unkind and unhelpful.

There is a topic called Lone Parents where you can vent your anger against the father of your children- if that is not appropriate then perhaps suggest a new topic. You have valid reasons to be angry but the step parent topic is not the place to do it.

I have never been left by my DH and I am a step mother. I also have a young child..just one..and know how hard it is and how it takes both parents doing their bit to survive. Ending one and immidiately starting a new rationship when you have a 6 month old would be impossible for me and if my DH did it I can't see him doing the parenting properly AND giving new partner enough attention.

Didn't OP said that she got along with the ex and they attended joint events? Surely if that's the case, there can't be that much bitterness.

I just don't understand why OP is expecting the ex to take the news so badly that she would influence the boys in their feelings for the new baby and to be concerned enough about it to be thinking of it before she is even pregnant.

Whitecat you need to reread the OPs posts. Her partner split with his ex when their youngest was 6 months. The child is now 4. The OP has been with her partner for 2 years, so her partner didn't go straight into a new relationship.

The amount of projection and lack of comprehension on here is astounding sometimes.

The children have already been through a huge upheaval, its far too soon to be introducing another child. Two years of dating is barely anything.

The ex may have instigated the split but rather than be heartbroken at losing his children (one tiny) he moved on very quickly so am guessing you have the version of events that he wants to portray.

The children may react very badly to this, step parents tend to have a good relationship until their own children come along and then their priorities change and the children get pushed out.

Yellow - you are out of line. The OP is not asking for advice on whether or not to get pregnant. Or for your opinion on the start of the relationship.

Completely agree laloup1 This thread is a bit sad. There's a lot of bitterness being directed at the wrong person.

Another post to stand up for the OP: it continues to astound me how many people seem to chill out on the Stepparenting thread just waiting for a poster to shoot down in flames.

I'd go so far as to say that even if the poster were a scarlet OW who had 'stolen' a loving husband and father, she should still be entitled to ask for advice on how to tell her DSC about her pregnancy in the best way for them. People and relationships are complicated- people ask for help on here, not for strangers to project their own scars onto them and make them feel like sh1t.

OP, I also second the advice to tell their mum first, and to couple it with a full plan of how you are planning to tell them about it, asking how she feels about it and for her support in doing so.
This is the respectful thing to do, but it also decreases her scope for kicking off that she wasn't told and using that righteous ire to tell the children about it in a less than positive way. If you're really worried about her reaction, tell her about it when the children are already with you. Good luck.

The judgement on this thread is awful. Really sorry OP, you don't deserve the judgement. I'm not going to pass comment on your relationship other than to say when you know someone well before you get with them, you just know when the time is right and it doesn't necessarily take as long as most relationships before you know you want DC. 18 months after a break up is more than enough time to get with a new partner.

We are not in the trying stage just yet but it's something we worry about too. Personally we'd go for the tell DSD approach after the 12 week scan and then let ex know before next dropping DSD back. If she does kick off all you can do is reassure them they won't be pushed out.

Good luck OP and I hope you get your bfp soon