Adult step daughter moving in

[Swivelchairaccident83]

So.. I’ve been hanging around here for a while but now I need some advice myself. Not all that familiar with some of the abbreviations and such.

My 25 year old step daughter has moved back home after travelling. When she asked her father if she could move in (I wasn’t present) she told him she could only afford to pay £100 a month. My husband said this was fine. She works full time, no longer has a car and it appears her only outgoing is her phone bill.

Am I being horrid or is it rude to state how much you can afford to pay in these circumstances? I spoke to my husband as we do communicate quite well. Obviously he was quite defensive but I asked what was £100 supposed to cover? It’s not enough in my opinion for a 25 year old who’s working full time. In fact to be honest I think it’s downright rude! I’m not sure what is a reasonable amount but my instincts are telling me this isn’t enough.

To contradict my earlier statement that my husband and I communicate well he didn’t even ask me if I was happy with the amount before clearing it with her. He told me this could go towards the food bill but what about all the other outgoings?

He asked me to speak to her about it but I’ve put my foot down after many difficulties with her over the years and asked him to stop giving me the rubbish jobs. He’s her father and I think he should be questioning her. I’m happy to be there and join in with the discussion when I feel I need to jump in but I believe he needs to start the conversation.

She came home last night and my husband was asking a few polite questions but he never directly asked her what was going on. He does tread on eggshells around her and I’m growing tired of it.

I know she has a busy year with hen parties, weddings and such and I do believe this is her reason for only affording £100. If this is the case which I believe it is then won’t she just have to try and budget and prioritise like the rest of us.

He’s basically just told her she can move in for £100 a month no questions asked.
Do I lead the conversation by myself without my husband? Which I don’t believe I should even if he was present. He’s afraid of looking like the bad guy.
Then there’s me, trying to fight the stereotype of a shitty step-mum.

I hope this is clear as I’m not good at explaining myself and fear I may have babbled on a bit :) any advice welcome :)

Well, if you are having to downsize anyway, do it with every intention of making it a home for JUST the two of you, but with an occasional guest room, which is exactly that!
I'd be pushing for this downsize right now, but only on the terms above. If he says there must be a room for to live in as and when she likes, then it's time for the big guns!!!
Tell him you love him, and that you don't want to be without him...BUT, you CANNOT & WILL NOT continue to live as as you are now.
His options should be; A) buy a smaller house just for the two of you, or B) Sell the house, split the money, and go your own ways!

I’ve spoken to my DH and we had a calm discussion and he said he understands my point. When I said I wanted to leave he was very choked up and said it would tear him apart. I said I want a life with him and his DD but that it was time for her to move on and take responsibility. He responded well and said we need another chat with her and I said I’m tired of our chats. It stops here.
I said we will always be a family but this dynamic isn’t working.

I do want a relationship with her and there are some positives as written in a previous post even though they are minimal but it’s something to build on at least.
I’ve had so many conversations with myself thinking I was being a bitch and to get a grip but I’ve realised my standards and expectations aren’t out of reach, they are reasonable and we deserve to have our house respected, my belongings left alone and not be walked all over.
Thank you for the advice, I appreciate everybody’s input

Well done OP, I really hope this leads to a positive outcome for you all.

YABVVVVVU

If my father had met someone else after my mother and she tried to say I had to pay to live in his / my own home... I would've been seriously hurt and fucked off.

Oh god just seen how awdul she is

@otterturk - she’s a 25 year old ‘woman’ (I say that loosely as she hasn’t grown up) who is disrespectful.

At 25 years old with a full time job of course she should pay her own way. Do you expect parents to support you indefinitely? I didn’t. I left home at 18 and would never expect my parents to have paid for me once I had a job.

@NorthernSpirit she sounds dreadful, I hadn't RTFT (sorry) but, that aside, I moved home for a bit and didn't pay anything. My dad would've have had it - it's my home.

At 25 I mean

Thing is, your DH is an enabler. He's actually hurting her by his acceptance of her behaviour.

If she was an alcoholic would he fund her habit?

This is the same thing.

He isn't loving her well by stunting her growth and development. She's learnt nothing about how to function in the world.

He should be ashamed of how he has behaved in allowing this. Her relationships will all be affected by her inability to behave like an adult. She's a cocklodger in the making.

Imagine her future spouse's posts on here...

My wife can't open a tin of soup....
the house is a tip...
She's spent the rent money...

What a lot of growing up she has to do.

As ever, when responses aren't harsh enough then OP writes worse things to sway opinion.

OP you are making your SD sound like utter trash, and your DH like a complete fool. It says a lot about you that you scorn them yet I bet you'd never tell them what you really think to their faces.

Since they're both in scum territory from the way you've made it sound then you'd likely be best off leaving them to it since the story is now so horrendous.

What was it that attracted you to man you've made sound thick as a plank, with a daughter that's so incapable she needs constant coddling.

Yes you've had a calm discussion but you've lied - you don't want a life with his DD included. Your discussion was very convenient...

You don't like this young woman. You speak as if she's lounging around your house all day using your stuff
She's not - she is out at work. I'm surprised she works as you've made her sound totally incompetent. If she's so dense she can't open a carton - how does she hold down a job? The 2 don't correlate.

Posters were young once, they'll have done things such as go on holidays get into debt when they were young living with parents, which normally rectifies eventually.

It is very easy to play the saint on the internet.

They've both been called loads of names on here. Must've made nice reading for you. It'll be a comfort I expect.

When I said I wanted to leave he was very choked up and said it would tear him apart.

Unfortunately for You, if it comes down to an ultimatum he'll choose his DD.... evev though you leaving would tear him apart. His response to you saying you were thinking of leaving says it all.

@MistressDeeCee

That's a very thought provoking post. I do agree with parts of it too.. it comes across that your SD is totally useless.

I expect her dad isn't thrilled with her, but when it's your flesh and blood...you have more tolerance, because you love your child unconditionally.......that's the difference with your child vs your stepchild.

No judgement...just that I understand there's no love like a parent to a child.

You don't like this young woman. You speak as if she's lounging around your house all day using your stuff
She's not - she is out at work. I'm surprised she works as you've made her sound totally incompetent. If she's so dense she can't open a carton - how does she hold down a job? The 2 don't correlate.

Of course she can open a carton, the whole issue is about her father doing it for her and not recognizing she is not 5 anymore and should be doing it herself. She is playing him but ultimately getting away with what she can.

She is 25 and she should be moving out not destroying her fathers relationship. At 25 she is more than aware what she is doing.
If she can hold down a job she can rent a room.

I wouldn't like an entitled 25 year old in my house, taking my stuff without permission and contributing very little..I would like it even less if my DH would enable that and expect me to live with it..I think I would feel the same if it was my own daughter but probably with less patience for a SD.

I just can’t understand this ignore the SM - it’s his child he can charge what he wants. It’s their house, joint decisions.

So many step / blended families get into so much conflict because they do not recognize this. I feel for you OP. My 18 year old DSD moved out to her Mums because I asked her to stop ignoring us. She’s still at her Mums. Now 22, working a few hours and paying no rent. She’ll be there for years. Her Mum is going spare. However as SM both parents would have been very happy to have her living here doing the same, so thankfully I escaped!

It’s funny how as SM the finger always points at us. In a few occasions this may be warranted but not in your case. It is not pointed at the parents and the child/adult. Your DSD doesn’t care about your home or your relationship, and neither does your DP. You do matter. You do have a joint voice.

YANBU, you should have a say over who lives in the house when it is about a long term, almost free (ie cost burden for you!) house share for a 25 year old (let alone the complicating factors of stealing, friends round, unable/unwilling to cook/clean etc).

One possibility would be to discuss with your DH the option of living separately even if you continue to see each other romantically. How you do this practically depends on finances, equity level, rental cost etc. You love each other but can't live in the same house with his daughter so you are simply seeking a practical solution. I'd talk about it matter of factly.

Currently he sees his situation as you are guaranteed in his life and will put up with stuff. He feels he has to do whatever is necessary to keep his daughter in his life (due to guilt, worry, whatever...). You may need to step up and show him that you are no longer the put-up-with-anything, bottom-of-the-pile fixture he thought. It'd also mean the full burden of managing, dealing with and looking after his daughter is now down to him and he may find his breaking point there.

If, once you have moved out, you feel this situation has irretrievably broken your relationship then that would be entirely understandable. But, maybe you can date each other, have sleepovers and fun for a while - let the situation play out without you.

I really wanted to know what happened here…
Can foresee a similar situation…

After 2 calm discussions and one blazing row I thought my marriage was over. DH said he was going to have it all out with her because he didn’t want me to leave.
The stealing, the filth, the mess in her room, bathroom and communal areas, not cooking, cleaning, tidying etc.
Anyway she moved out before he got chance. When I say moved out I mean she moved to her mums and has left all her stuff here and it doesn’t look like she has any intention of collecting it. My DH says it’s her room so that is another issue to be tackled later as I’m just happy to have our house back and I’m enjoying some normality.
She comes round once a week for tea and I’m happy with that and feel more relaxed around her. I think we will be able to build on some positives as mentioned before but I cannot live with her and her behaviours.
If she hadn’t moved out I honestly don’t know where I’d be at the minute. She will obviously be at her mums for some time because she will be starting her degree and is getting a puppy!!! She has told us she won’t be working now for a few months so she can look after the puppy. Another avoid life technique she’s come up with.
My advice to anyone dating someone with children young or old..... RUN! Run for the bloody hills!!

She’s moved out so it will give you some breathing space at least!

The only thing I’d warn about is not letting resentment or ill feelings fester. Your DSD has moved out in a dramatic fashion, which is provocative and may leave lingering unrest between you all. I’d be suggesting joint counseling to your DP perhaps? To make sure this hasn’t undermined you both too much. My DSD moved out in a similar ‘huff’ and therefore stirred up a lot of ill feeling, and I got scapegoated. It destroyed my relationship with DSD too.

@Bananasinpyjamas11 I see your point. She said she was moving there because her stepdad is working away and she didn’t want her mum to be lonely.
If she did feel uncomfortable it’s probably because she knows she’s a burden. She may have picked up on something but then she should have behaved herself. I couldn’t help feeling how I did and it probably began to show. Surely you can’t carry on like that and expect people to be ok with it. When she visits it’s really relaxed and we do have a laugh and a good catch up.
I just can’t live with her. I think my husband knows on some level that that’s it, she can’t move back in. If she moves again then she’ll have to move into her own place.
If she was a child we would obviously have to make it work but I can’t live with a lazy and disrespectful adult who doesn’t want to take any responsibility and burden everybody.
So as it stands she still has a bedroom here, a bedroom at her mums and sleeps at her partners house.
We had a casual conversation earlier over tea and we got onto future plans and I asked her if she wanted a place to call her own and her response was “urgh no not yet”.
Says it all really.

Well done OP

£100 is no a lot for an adult contribution but the main thing is you should have all sat down and agreed something together or he should have discussed with you before saying yes. It is your home too.

I commented on your OP without reading ahead. Pleased this seems to be sorted. I can understand how frustrating it was