Adult step daughter moving in

[Swivelchairaccident83]

So.. I’ve been hanging around here for a while but now I need some advice myself. Not all that familiar with some of the abbreviations and such.

My 25 year old step daughter has moved back home after travelling. When she asked her father if she could move in (I wasn’t present) she told him she could only afford to pay £100 a month. My husband said this was fine. She works full time, no longer has a car and it appears her only outgoing is her phone bill.

Am I being horrid or is it rude to state how much you can afford to pay in these circumstances? I spoke to my husband as we do communicate quite well. Obviously he was quite defensive but I asked what was £100 supposed to cover? It’s not enough in my opinion for a 25 year old who’s working full time. In fact to be honest I think it’s downright rude! I’m not sure what is a reasonable amount but my instincts are telling me this isn’t enough.

To contradict my earlier statement that my husband and I communicate well he didn’t even ask me if I was happy with the amount before clearing it with her. He told me this could go towards the food bill but what about all the other outgoings?

He asked me to speak to her about it but I’ve put my foot down after many difficulties with her over the years and asked him to stop giving me the rubbish jobs. He’s her father and I think he should be questioning her. I’m happy to be there and join in with the discussion when I feel I need to jump in but I believe he needs to start the conversation.

She came home last night and my husband was asking a few polite questions but he never directly asked her what was going on. He does tread on eggshells around her and I’m growing tired of it.

I know she has a busy year with hen parties, weddings and such and I do believe this is her reason for only affording £100. If this is the case which I believe it is then won’t she just have to try and budget and prioritise like the rest of us.

He’s basically just told her she can move in for £100 a month no questions asked.
Do I lead the conversation by myself without my husband? Which I don’t believe I should even if he was present. He’s afraid of looking like the bad guy.
Then there’s me, trying to fight the stereotype of a shitty step-mum.

I hope this is clear as I’m not good at explaining myself and fear I may have babbled on a bit :) any advice welcome :)

Okay. But for £25 extra a week, is that really going to be make or break for you?

Could you offer her 3 months rent free?
Explain that that should give her time to get sorted so she can contribute properly? Go over the expectations again? Maybe it would give you a license to put your foot down at the end of the three months?
It is really difficult but maybe you need to respond as though she werw your brother or sister, rather than letting her away with it for the sake of the peace.

Could you call her out directly, 'is thee a reason you took the towel from my bathroom?' Its not fun veing accountable for bad behaviour.

But Ferris, the OP has said several times that they can't afford to let her stay rent free.

Just burst into her room, march her around the room and the communal areas getting her to pick up every item that has been treated disrespectully (towels on floor, pots, glasses, check bins and make her remove anything nasty, same checks in bathroom), take the towel and make her grab all her other clothes that need washing and make her put them in the machine, make her empty and stack the pots in the dishwasher, make her empty the bins and clean them out, make her tidy and vacuum her room and the communal areas. When the laundry's finished go get her out of her room drag her to the machine and make her take it out, process it, when the dishwasher's finished make her unstack it. When you check the bathroom and find it dirty stand over her whilst she cleans it including the toilet (ignoring all eye rolling and 'oh jesus's that she might emit).

Repeat daily until she gets the message.

I'd predict she wouldn't be around for long.....

(when I say drag btw I don't mean that in quite the literal way, but pussyfooting around her and waiting and hoping for her to act WILL NOT WORK! - you need to physically propel her to each task and initially at least, stand over her while it's done instructing every single step). No, you shouldn't have to do it but someone needs to take actual action with this girl and make her bloody grow up. You'd be doing her a favour.

One thing that strikes me in the threads about adult children is that the issues are not dissimilar to those with young children. There a small child may not wish to sleep or eat or forego nappies. Most parents will know that it is extremely difficult simply to make the small child behave in the way that is convenient to adults. The child has a considerable investment in keeping things the way they are and may not be ready to change. They consciously or otherwise need to assert their own will.

I've thought about this with my partner's adult son, who came to stay with us for a few days..

Some of his needs include

• getting up late and going to bed very late
• not being very accountable. So telling somebody what his plans are, what time he is getting back etc, doesn't come naturally to him.
• not being able to make his mind up about anything quickly
• not to conform to expectations that he regards as stupid or unreasonable. So he does earn money but not very much as he can't work within organisational structures.

He is thinking about coming back to the city where his father and I live. My partner and I talked things over and agreed that while he could stay with us on a short-term emergency basis - a week or so - it wouldn't be possible for him to stay with us longer.

He is too old to be told what to do - which never worked anyway - and his way of life is very different from ours.

Obviously if he did choose to come back and stay in the area, we'd welcome the chance to see him regularly, have him round for meals and do our best to help in a variety of ways.

I like Harriet' idea.

'Your way of life is not compatible with ours...'

I cant see how you can make another adult behave in a particular way without penalising yourself by displaying behaviour that will make you unhappy.

I don’t think she’s happy. I don’t want her to be unhappy I really don’t but she’s bringing it on herself.
I don’t think i’m being unreasonable and my house and my expectations should be respected.
When we spoke to her about the living arrangements we made it clear that if she needed anything she just needs to ask so entering a room that isn’t hers and (I can only assume she opened a few drawers before finding the towels as I moved them since she was last here) taking towels has upset me.
I just don’t think she gets it and it’s so frustrating because I don’t think she ever will.
I think she thinks she has rights to things because it’s where she lives now but in my opinion that’s not how it rolls. Surely it’s common sense- ‘the towels are in a room that isn’t mine, I’ll ask first’
I can’t be bothered to have a new conversation AGAIN and reiterate AGAIN that we don’t want to have this conversation AGAIN!
It’s so tedious!

Just to be clear I don’t begrudge her towels, we all need and use towels, I just wanted to be asked.
The last time she was here I did buy her a full set of her own but she just wrecked them and she only has one small one left out of that set so god knows what she’s done with them.
If she had asked, I would have grabbed her a couple gladly.

Did your OH had a talk with her about the towel and that this is an example of action that if she keep up will leave her out of the door?

I didn’t notice it in her bathroom until after she had left for work this morning. She’ll be home later but I don’t think he will say anything to her so around and around we go

You are not going to win this without Dh's cooperation. I think its sadly time for put up and shut up or time to take action which might make Dh wake up or it might not.

Fuck that OP
here's an idea when she goes out one morning move into her room with the ensuite
I would put a lock on the door as well and ensure that a.l your stuff is in that room
I suspect your husband don't give shit because he dosent actually have to deal with his daughter mess - but you do .

Let him live with her mess in the whole house and see how long he lets her stay . It won't be long when his living room is a shit pit no clean cups and dinner plates and her friends are all hanging out in the living room while he is trying to watch the football .

OP you’ll have to tell her your self.
So when she gets back say to her we only had this conversation yesterday but it’s already started.
If this carries on you will need to move out.
We will give it till the end of March and if any of the 3 of us decide it’s not working, you will have a month to move out.

Absolutely right Fishface.

How’s it going op?

Hi all! Not going well. She’s still up to her old tricks. I can’t tell my DH as he never believes me.
My husband said when DSD moved back in that if it didn’t work then she’d have to leave but I’ve since realised that I’m trapped.
She can never be asked to leave because my DH would never forgive me and he would resent it. If it came down to anyone leaving it would have to be me as I couldn’t live like that.
Also we agreed on £70 a fortnight rent as she said that’s all she can afford but since she’s moved back in she’s been on 3 holidays and been to see Beyoncé.
There’s also the issue about family meals, she turns up unannounced (sometimes stays over at her partners parents house or her mums) and asks what’s for tea. I’m finding it difficult to plan my weekly food menus if I don’t know when she’s in. Sometimes she’ll say when she’ll be in and not turn up. I wouldn’t mind preparing meals for young children obviously but this is ridiculous. I told my husband if she turns up late or unannounced then she’ll have to prepare her own food.
Remember she is 25!!!!!!!!!!!!
When she does turn up my husband will prepare her food and she’ll just stand there and watch or go and sit down.
I’ve told my husband I’m detaching myself from the food side of things. If she rolls in late I’m not going back in the kitchen, if he wants to then go ahead. She couldn’t open a carton of soup last night so DH did it for her. Yup!
And on top of everything else her room is trashed again, her bathroom is revolting and doesn’t do any house work as agreed on moving in. I’ve lost all respect for DH, I think he views expectations and standards as a punishment, he pussyfoots around her and it’s wearing me down.
She just signed up for uni for 3 years without consulting us, she just told us it’s what she was doing. The uni is very close so I’m guessing that means she will continue to live with us until she is 28 and finished her studies. I daren’t ask because my DH doesn’t like it when she is challenged about anything.
He wants her to come on holiday with us next year but that won’t be a holiday for me. To be honest I’d rather walk naked through the flames of hell.
I don’t know what I’m looking for on here but I just needed to write down how I’m feeling. All advice and opinions welcome. Thank you for reading my long post.

Oh god you're looking at years yet. No way is she just going to move out in 3 years time, she sounds bone idle. I suspect this Uni plan is just to put off having to be an adult.

I would advise detaching completely but unless you live in a massive house, how can you?

I know you love your home but under the circumstances I would be thinking about a trial separation. He is deciding on your life as if you're not even in it. He has decided who you are going to have to share your home with for years to come. And it doesn't remotely sound like he'd even suggest any other plan to her.

What would happen if you said you were leaving?

@ElspethFlashman it’s funny you said that. She has a uni place nearby with a student loan sorted and said she wouldn’t need to work if she attended there. She has applied for another place at a uni (also close by) that specialises in the area she wants to study in but this one doesn’t provide a loan and she has since found out she would need to work part time alongside her studies to support herself but she is not so keen on this option now and prefers the uni she already has a place at with a fat loan.
I thought despite receiving a loan, students still went out to work????
It appears she is avoiding being an adult and anyway she can stay at home whilst doing very little is the more appealing option.

@Discotits honestly? I don’t know.

If you did a trial separation could you make dh and we move out and you keep your home? Can she go to her mums or stay with her boyfriend?

You're using money and household tasks as an excuse because you don't like her. Most of all, you're worried that DH prioritises her above you.

You'll never get anywhere arguing about the rent and cleaning the bathroom - it will make you sound petty, even tho' she is rank to live with. You have to tackle the real issues behind it all. Especially as she shows no signs of leaving.

You've been dumped with a really nasty problem. Either you suck it up (I wouldn't) or you've got ask DH whether he wants to be married to his wife or his DD. And be ready for the answer, which is the killer.

In order to avoid a massive confrontation, ask for what you want only - don't criticise the skank or get into trivia like missed meals. List what you need to be able to live in your own house in harmony.

You don't sound like you want stepchildren - to be fair, you didn't sign up for any. But times change and these days young adults still count as DCs. You now have a stepchild you didn't bargain for. So make clear you understand this - and that it's your house, your money and your time for which you're making concessions. And you deserve consideration and concessions in return.

If it's your house, tell them both to leave until she finds her own place. If it's a joint propert/its his, tell them you're renting a place for you're self until until she moves on....the cost of which will come out of the household budget.
Let's see how he gets on, being solely responsible for his grown up baby girl!!

If you speak to her about money, tidiness etc, what do you think will happen? Will she have a tantrum, or get violent, or what? Why are you all so scared of having an adult conversation with her?
She sounds very thoughtless, more like a teenager than an adult, but hasanyone told her that what she is doing is causing problems? That there are conditions attached to her staying there?
I have a 25 year old living at home at the moment, different circumstances, but I understand some of the issues you face.
I think you should calmly and politely tell her that she is being majorly subsidized and as such she needs to contribute towards the running of the house. Not just tidying up, but cooking dinner at least twice a week, physically helping with the washing and cleaning, etc. And then stick to it,
" oh looking forward to dinner tonight, what are we having? "
As for money, well your husband is entitled to sub his daughter if he wants to, lots of parents do, but as he hasn't discussed that with you, tell him ( not ask) that you will henceforth be contributing a one third share of the bills, not half.
He should also be helping with the extra workload.
You say she has stolen from you, is that actual stealing ( taking money out of your purse without asking, selling your jewellery) or treating your things as if they are communal property? If it's a boundaries issue rather than actual theft, that needs to be openly addressed.
Can you get your DH to have some sort of counselling with you, it sounds as if he hasn't grasped how much this is affecting you ( because he is putting his head in the sand).

You are in an awful situation OP - I don't think you have much option but to tell your DH you want to split up and he'll have to choose between you and his daughter. You deserve much better than this. I second counselling for you both too.