Adult step daughter moving in

[Swivelchairaccident83]

So.. I’ve been hanging around here for a while but now I need some advice myself. Not all that familiar with some of the abbreviations and such.

My 25 year old step daughter has moved back home after travelling. When she asked her father if she could move in (I wasn’t present) she told him she could only afford to pay £100 a month. My husband said this was fine. She works full time, no longer has a car and it appears her only outgoing is her phone bill.

Am I being horrid or is it rude to state how much you can afford to pay in these circumstances? I spoke to my husband as we do communicate quite well. Obviously he was quite defensive but I asked what was £100 supposed to cover? It’s not enough in my opinion for a 25 year old who’s working full time. In fact to be honest I think it’s downright rude! I’m not sure what is a reasonable amount but my instincts are telling me this isn’t enough.

To contradict my earlier statement that my husband and I communicate well he didn’t even ask me if I was happy with the amount before clearing it with her. He told me this could go towards the food bill but what about all the other outgoings?

He asked me to speak to her about it but I’ve put my foot down after many difficulties with her over the years and asked him to stop giving me the rubbish jobs. He’s her father and I think he should be questioning her. I’m happy to be there and join in with the discussion when I feel I need to jump in but I believe he needs to start the conversation.

She came home last night and my husband was asking a few polite questions but he never directly asked her what was going on. He does tread on eggshells around her and I’m growing tired of it.

I know she has a busy year with hen parties, weddings and such and I do believe this is her reason for only affording £100. If this is the case which I believe it is then won’t she just have to try and budget and prioritise like the rest of us.

He’s basically just told her she can move in for £100 a month no questions asked.
Do I lead the conversation by myself without my husband? Which I don’t believe I should even if he was present. He’s afraid of looking like the bad guy.
Then there’s me, trying to fight the stereotype of a shitty step-mum.

I hope this is clear as I’m not good at explaining myself and fear I may have babbled on a bit :) any advice welcome :)

My stepdaughter moved in with us, this was some years ago. After 3 months I asked her to leave. She was treating it like a hotel and not helping with anything! Just made me feel like a skivvy. What you could do, is charge her a realistic rent, around here it's 550 pound a month for a room in a shared house. Bank half of it but don't tell her, and give it back to her when she leaves. That's what my parents did with me and it was a helpful lesson. Personally it sounds as though she's taking the piss.

We do get on fine and in the past I have helped her with hair, make up etc when she goes out because by her own admittance she is clueless about that sort of thing. There are some positives but they are minimal.

I think my husband just wants me to do all the talking and I’m thinking well if that’s the case I’ll do just that and lay the law down myself and take it from there.

Saving a lump sum on her behalf does sound like a good idea but not for her. I fear she would just blow the lot. Thank you for your continued advice from all perspectives. I’ve found it helpful :)

Wow OP..25 and they didn't even ask you???
I would tell my DH to support his daughter living independently..25 is way to old..

Jon66 how did your partner react when you asked your stepdaughter to leave? I don’t think that would bode well here 😬 but I’m interested to know

I never even thought I needed to be consulted about her actually moving back in. If I’d have said no I think he would have sided with her.

Thinking about it I would have had every right to say no as she has stolen from me many times and told lies. I told my husband every time it happened but he never believed me.

I have no reason to lie and everything to loose but I don’t think he sees it like that.
It’s a can of worms I know. If I’m honest with myself, I don’t want her here and I’m worried how this is going to end.

OP I don't think she should be allowed based on your update. That she kept her surroundings unsanitary & stole from you in unacceptable

It sounds as though your relationship with your partner is not as solid as it might be. I think divorced/remarried fathers do feel torn between their duty to their children and their new partners. (If they were the ones who ended the marriage to the children's mother and moved out, there are complications of guilt.) It can also be hard to parent effectively when separated mothers and fathers cannot agree what is in their children's best interests and work together. But it doesn't actually sound as if he is being a good father to her if he is not doing his best to address issues around personal hygiene, honesty, respect for others and money management.

Of course you need to be bloody consulted OP!!! It's your home, you pay the bills and she is a grown women..18 I could be a bit more understanding but 25??? I was living independently in a different country at that age..

I could maybe even understand her moving in TEMPORALLY if in trouble but I definitely don't get how he can decide without asking you especially since there is history and she doesn't clean up after herself..

Is it only his house? Do you work?

WhiteCat1704
I work full time and contribute my half of the complete outgoings.
I’m of the same opinion, if she was a lot younger or in trouble I would be more understanding and happy to help. I feel like a stranger in my own home. I feel like I want to move out for some space but I have no where to go. HarrietSmith my husband did end the previous marriage and left the family home when step daughter was 15 and he has admitted that he does feel guilty. Step daughter has always assured him she doesn’t blame either parent for the divorce and to be fair to her I do believe her.

There is an obvious atmosphere in the house but my husband still won’t broach the subject with her. I nearly grew some balls and did it myself but I’m so worried that I will look evil. I’ve spoken to my husband about how I feel so many times I’m starting to think I don’t matter.

He’s so concerned about how she feels and not upsetting her that he can’t see I’m crumbling. I don’t know what to do.

Your DH needs to up the percentage he pays towards outgoings to compensate for the extra costs of homing his DD. It sounds like one of these outgoings is likely to be a cleaner to keep your DSD's area clean and tidy.
Do you own the house jointly?
I do suspect though,as PP have said, a young woman of that age will be out a lot.

Is she staying short term, or long term.

If short term, ie. A couple,of months, then I would let it be. If long term, request a higher amount. We've been looking around for flats share for my ds, who is about to move out. £300-500 is not unusual. And that is for a furnished room with communal kitchen and lounge (and inclsuive of bills, not food).

Maybe you could compromise, and charge £100 for,the first three months,,when she is settling back in and finding her feet, and then increase it to a more reasonable figure.

Petalflowers I think it’s long term but I don’t know for sure because I’ve not been told anything. If I even bring the subject up he gets very defensive and shuts down. I’m always sensitive and polite as I’m trying to understand his position but he puts up a wall straight away.
That sounds like a fair compromise. Pay the £100 for first 3 months to give her chance to save up for the events she has planned and then it goes up after that. Thank you for that advice.
I just need to speak to my husband without him getting upset.
I know that’s something nobody can help me with, I’ll have to try again.

No 25 yo actually wants to move in with their dad and step mum.

I'd try to have some sympathy and help her get on her feet with allowing the low rent - but as long as her Dad sat her down and went over the ground rules of not being filthy etc.

After a difficult time when my stepson came to live with us - it lasted for a number of months, but the arrangement broke down - my husband and I realised that we did need ground rules for when adult children returned.

It's not just about money. It is about stuff like expectations re keeping areas clean. So she might have her own room and bathroom but it would be reasonable to ensure they were kept in a state where they didn't make the rest of the house smelly.

I suppose it would be useful to have your husband's ideas about how he thought it would work. What are his values as a parent? How does he like your home to be?

If he won't do anything about it I'd atleast ask what the money is supposed to cover. Is she expecting you to cook dinner for her or just unlimited access to the fridge or will she provide her own food.
As he won't have a discussion with you or his daughter then I would set him the rules so either he can choose to follow them or raise things with his daughter.
If she's expecting food your husband needs to foot that bill and a cleaner to help with the extra mess she will make.
He will need to buy you a safe to keep all valuables as she can not be trusted.
I'd also make it clear to him that you don't want to upset him but he needs to realise that you are upset he didn't run it past you and that he is willing to keep you upset to avoid upsetting his daughter.

lilcolibri I think she does want to be at home. It doesn’t appear to bother her. She shys away from all responsibility, the cleaning, tidying, paying her way, she’ll ask to have 4 or 5 friends round on a weeknight spreading their snacks and shit everywhere playing bloody board games as if an 8 year old had her friends round for dinner! It’s not like it’s a last resort for her.
She’s just comfortable moving between peoples houses (ours, her mums and her girlfriends parents) paying as little as possible, swapping jobs and just generally being a burden.
I was sat here crying but I’m bloody angry now! Not aimed at you at all :) just venting. It’s such a rollercoaster.

You don't have to accept this.

I think it must be hard to love your husband if he doesn't love you back in the way which means he is able to insist that you and the home you share is treated with respect.

It seems to me that this is one of these 'dealbreaker' situations.

If your husband felt that the situation was upsetting you so profoundly, that you were considering leaving - because you felt disregarded by him and by your stepdaughter in your home, would that bring matters to a head.

And is there somewhere else that you could go and stay? Would you like to go somewhere else for a while?

No, £100 a month is nowhere near enough. Even if she is in a minimum wage job she would be bringing home not much less than £1000 a month! The general guideline is that people should expect to pay out one third of their take home pay on rent/bills...so £300 a month would be more like it. This is all well and good if you're happy for her to move in...which you don't seem to be, and I don't blame you! She sounds like a lodger from hell and I'd be making plans to move myself out unless he grows a pair and lays down some ground rules/ups the rent/agrees a timescale for her to save a deposit and move out.

I'd buy her a new ticket to travel then sell up and move to a one bed bungalow.

At her age I had 2 kids, a mortgage and a full time job. I went without for myself for years. She is having a laugh. She needs to budget rather than having the convenience of a comfortable lifestyle at your expense. Don't get me wrong, if she was mine and in a real pickle I would bend over backwards to help in a crisis, alternatively if she was mine and felt financially encombered due to living an excessive lifestyle then I would slap her in the boobs and tell her to grow up and be a capable woman

If she was in genuine trouble I would help and support her, I’m not a beast. I’ve been a shoulder to cry on when she’s had problems in the past. She just seems so entitled. I’m moving back home and I’m going to pay this much. Ok?
My husband and I would like to move to the country and it would mean a huge downsize possibly a one or two bed. I found a lovely one bed cottage which was within budget and he said well what about ——-? I thought bloody hell. She doesn’t even want to move with us, she said the location doesn’t suit her. There wouldn’t be room for any family to stay.

Husband still wants her to take it in turns with her mum for Christmas Day. SHE’S 25!!!!!!!!!!!
If

He’s so worried about keeping her close he’s pushing me away.
If he’d only give her some rules and speak about the money this wouldn’t have snowballed.
I feel like I want to move out to figure out what I want to do but I really have no where to go. I’m from a very small family. They are all super supportive and we are close but nobody has the space.
If I move into the spare room stepdaughter will know and my life here will be even more difficult and awkward. I’m trapped! In a bedroom. With my cat. A sad woman. Alone. With my cat.

I’m angry on your behalf. This is a big impact on you, your home and finances and he didn’t consult you.

And, no, you shouldn’t speak to DSD. You should speak to your DH. Don’t let him off the hook at all. He sets ground rules, he pays for her to have food/drink subsidised. He can also get a cleaner.