Adult step daughter moving in

[Swivelchairaccident83]

So.. I’ve been hanging around here for a while but now I need some advice myself. Not all that familiar with some of the abbreviations and such.

My 25 year old step daughter has moved back home after travelling. When she asked her father if she could move in (I wasn’t present) she told him she could only afford to pay £100 a month. My husband said this was fine. She works full time, no longer has a car and it appears her only outgoing is her phone bill.

Am I being horrid or is it rude to state how much you can afford to pay in these circumstances? I spoke to my husband as we do communicate quite well. Obviously he was quite defensive but I asked what was £100 supposed to cover? It’s not enough in my opinion for a 25 year old who’s working full time. In fact to be honest I think it’s downright rude! I’m not sure what is a reasonable amount but my instincts are telling me this isn’t enough.

To contradict my earlier statement that my husband and I communicate well he didn’t even ask me if I was happy with the amount before clearing it with her. He told me this could go towards the food bill but what about all the other outgoings?

He asked me to speak to her about it but I’ve put my foot down after many difficulties with her over the years and asked him to stop giving me the rubbish jobs. He’s her father and I think he should be questioning her. I’m happy to be there and join in with the discussion when I feel I need to jump in but I believe he needs to start the conversation.

She came home last night and my husband was asking a few polite questions but he never directly asked her what was going on. He does tread on eggshells around her and I’m growing tired of it.

I know she has a busy year with hen parties, weddings and such and I do believe this is her reason for only affording £100. If this is the case which I believe it is then won’t she just have to try and budget and prioritise like the rest of us.

He’s basically just told her she can move in for £100 a month no questions asked.
Do I lead the conversation by myself without my husband? Which I don’t believe I should even if he was present. He’s afraid of looking like the bad guy.
Then there’s me, trying to fight the stereotype of a shitty step-mum.

I hope this is clear as I’m not good at explaining myself and fear I may have babbled on a bit :) any advice welcome :)

Based on your updates, she sounds revolting, immature and untrustworthy. NO thank youj.

I wouldn't allow it in the first place ...she's stolen from you and lied about it and he picked her versions? I don't think so. YOu have a serious relationship problem here, and it may well be a dealbreaker for both of you by the sounds of it.

I would tell him this isn't going to work for you.

Husband still wants her to take it in turns with her mum for Christmas Day. SHE’S 25!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh dear lord OP - that is all sorts of wrong! Your dp really needs a reality check. She will never leave so long as he continues to baby her.
You poor thing - sending you a virtual hug.

Magda72 thank you. I needed that I feel so alone.
I am a nice person, I’m kind and have a lot of love and time to give if she’d only respect our house and my belongings. I’m a very patient person but my patience is running out.
That said I’m feeling calmer and will try my best to tackle this tomorrow.

I won’t let her destroy my marriage. I’m sure that’s not what she wants for her dad. I think she has noticed that I’m stressed but neither of them will talk to each other. He’s afraid of upsetting her and she will never admit to stealing because she will disappoint her father if she does so she’ll never tell the truth.
I’m going to try and put my feelings first as neither of them have.
I’m feeling rather more positive and brave after my hug

She’s 25 and working full time. She should be paying 1/3 of the bills or move out and get her own place (shared if needed). £100 is an insult, she just wants to doss at yours and do nothing. Her dad needs to get a back bone, and he should of asked you about her moving back in to begin with!

Good luck with tackling this. I think parents do always feel that they want to be there for their kids - so things like having a spare room so they can visit for the weekend will naturally figure in discussions about potential moves.

But it's also healthy to let your adult children go and to want them to grow up and live their separate independent lives. I think we often think of mothers not wanting to let go of their kids. But perhaps it happens to fathers too..

swivel this really does sound shit for you, and think it's rubbish your D H is not even factoring you in to this plan. How much does he think your lifestyle should have to change to accommodate her?

Seeing your updates.... my concern wouldn't be the amount of money...but her messiness and disrespect leaving the place in such a smelly state last time.

Because even if she was paying £500 a month...I still wouldn't want that kind of mess.

I was just thinking on the consulting you... once my DHs niece needed to stay with us whike she was on internship (it was close to our house)...BIL asked DH if it was okay and my DH said he needed to ask me.

I was very peeved tbh... because if it wasn't okay...then it would be obvious I was the one who refused...because DH says it's fine with him...but he needs to ask me.

I was less than impressed when BIL called me directly and asked if it was okay.

Bloody hell OP, I'm furious for you.....your DH agreeing to a person staying in your home who doesn't respect it, and isn't prepared to pay a reasonable rent, and without even discussing it with you! I don't care if it is his daughter, I don't care if it's the sodding Pope....it's just not on!!!!
You're going to be living like a lodger in your own home, and as for her having friends around, messing your home up, and playing games, no bloody way!!
You are going to have to make it clear to your DH, you're giving this little arrangement a month, during that time, she must find some where else
to live. Help her to find somewhere, do what you can, but if she stays under these circumstances, you might as well kiss goodbye to your marriage, and your sanity!

Wdigin2this do you know my thoughts and emotions are up and down, I think my sanity is long gone. I don’t think this would be unreasonable.
My fear is if I put that to my husband he will pester her to keep her areas tidy so I don’t get cross and leave. I think if I was to do that I’d do it quietly and see how it worked it.
When she asks for something like friends coming round etc she’ll send a joint txt to me and her dad. My husband will say it’s ok with me leaving me to reply and I feel I’m not actually being allowed to make a decision. I’m cornered in a frikkin text! Making me look like a bitch- the one who said no as SandyY2K pointed out.
It gets better still- her girlfriend of 5 years stays most nights. But they can’t live together because it wouldn’t work! (Their words) Go figure that one out!
It’s just a big mess.

I’ve been looking at places that I can afford to move Into because I feel this simply can’t go on much longer. If it’s getting harder when she’s 25 what the hell is my life going to be like in another 5 years?

I think you are getting too hung up on the money issue. Unless you and your partner are struggling financially, it doesn't make any difference to you what she pays. If my daughter wanted to come back home for a bit, I couldn't give a toss what she paid, I'd just love having her here. We're not going to go short because of stretching a meal to 3 instead of 2 or heating the water for one extra shower a day or washing a few more clothes.

However, I would expect her to confine her mess to her own room and not treat the place like a hotel nor me like hotel staff.

So, my advice is, forget about the money but make clear your expectations on the other issues.

I think £100 a month is not acceptable. £100 a week would be generous on your part! This is probably about half of what it would really cost. If you charge £100 a week, you are helping her but she is actually somewhat paying her way. She will then have ample to do all her socialising too.
But I would be sitting down with your husband and her and asking how long is this going to be for. Be nice and welcoming, but don't make things too comfortable. She is 25. You don't want this to be long term and she probably needs to think more long term. Does she want to be living with parents at 30. What is her long term plan.

Sounds really difficult if your dh won't back you up.

Fair enough he wants to give her a home, but it's the disrespecting of your space that is the real problem.

Set out some ground rules that must be kept to if she wants to stay more than the three months you're ok with at £100 rent. You can suck things up for three months but if she's thinking longer term then she needs know she needs to prove herself.

i don’t agree with parents charging children to live at home it seems hideously wrong however your DH should have discussed this with you.

Why don’t you both sit her down together and express your concerns and request that you see evidence of her saving a deposit for her own home and that this cannot be long term as you could potentially be relocating.

Im sorry to hear you are having a difficult time. I’m also a SM to an adult DSD. I would be absolutely fine with DSD living with us if she wanted/needed to but there would be agreed rules and a sensible rent (which if we could afford to we would secretly save for her) However If my DH behaved like your OH has to you and allowed that sort of behaviour to occur then that would be the end of our relationship. Don’t allow people to walk all over you.

No no no. I think it would only work if it was short term and if you had your husband back up. And even then cleaning up after yourself would be a given and paying for more than just £100 a month when you've got food and groceries to cover as well.

I think you just going to have to put your foot down now before even starts it's all very well thinking of scenarios where you could leave and find an easier living situation but that's not really what you want to do. Funny as the idea of leaving them to it just you in their own mess would be.

This will be long term, I can feel it. I’m sure she’ll still be playing her board games on the kitchen table when she’s 30. How much my husband and I earn is irrelevant (imo) I’m not looking to profit from her living with us but I want her to take some damn responsibility, it’s the principle. She wants to pay as little as possible to save money for parties not for a mortgage or a flat. I feel my husband is failing her and in turn I suppose I am too. But I need support from my husband. I’m not a single parent, I’m not a parent, I’m a step parent. I’ve been doing so much on my own for years and I’ve had my fill now. Cleaning up after her, listening to lies, putting up with the stealing and smelling that f*ing stale period bin!

If her girlfriend is staying there most nights, that's 2 breakfasts, twice as much tea and coffee, 2 showers in the morning...

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt it is don’t be walked all over just because you don’t want to be seen as the evil step mother. Your DH and DSD have already walked all over you and your needs. Yet you’ve already housed your DSD and she stole and didn’t pull her weight. Your DH didn’t even ask you. So you’ve been the less selfish one by the sounds of it.

Reading more of your updates I think I’d be very, very wary. I’d be telling DH your terms. You can say No. of course it’s good to help if you can, but it’s your home too and there has to be a minimal level of cooperation. Your peace of mind matters too!

Wants and Needs is a good way to frame it. You need a home which is relatively tidy, relatively harmonious. Your DH wants to help his DSD, she wants somewhere to stay that is cheaper and easier than renting. So she’s grown now. She needs to be independent.

I would not have any of my DSDs now adult move in. Ive lived with them enough to know that it’s like having the girl who hated you in school move in and have to do her washing and silently tolerate her seething resentments! God no! No more. My DP knows this and it’s part of why we are separating. And honestly it’s better not to be with DP than suffer more stress. Well the stress on the other kids was my deciding factor, I can’t have them live in such an atmosphere.

I think if you’ve tried before and it was a nightmare- it’s highly unlikely to be any better and could be worse.

I really am going to try and tackle this tomorrow. I’m going to speak to them both as I’m unhappy with the way they have both treat me. I think speaking to my husband alone again is just not getting me anywhere. I will set an example and speak to them both face to face openly.

I really feel your pain - on the plus side it’s convinced me this is the situation I would have been in had I not just separated from Dh

Op you seem to be getting more and more worked up throughout the thread - do you really feel so strongly you want to challenge them both and end up saying your moving out?

What is it you actually want?

Did you end up cleaning her bathroom? If so it’s something dh can take on in future.
I wouldn’t talk to them straight off. Family members don’t go away. They’re around for life - being a pain or needy or selfish.
I would write stuff down. What the future needs to be. How Dsd s behaviour must change . Who will cook and clean after her. What her long term plans are. She won’t save a deposit on min wage I shouldn’t think. Could you and DH pay toward rent for her to move out. Her friends will probably find long term partners and have less time for her. Might she find a bf and move in with him?
I would write it down and work out your priorities. DH isn’t helping her byhis babying of her. Sad really. I think that is the first point you need to make.

Set some ground rules....YOu probably can't change the rent but you can have a discussion about the fact that she is living in your house as a fully fledged adult...despite not paying a fair contribution.

Give her a run down of house rules (dishes washed/cleared before the end of the day, housework share completed (or she pays for a cleaner), cooking roster, shopping contribution if you are going to be sharing meals. Utilities share etc.....minimize friends over on work nights (reasonable if everyone is working full time)...it's not a share house!

Alternatively, you could tackle your DH and let him know you expect him to keep on the ball about her pulling her weight with cleaning/shopping/cooking and paying utility bills, and if not, then you will split household expenses 2:1 in your favour, so that he is covering the xtra person in the household that you didn't get consulted about!

Good luck Op. It sounds as if you have a lot to tackle and there’s more going on than your SD.

Never stayed at home after I left at 17. DP did for many years and paid £400 a month plus the sky cable as he was working full time (didn't have a car as he doesn't know how to drive) HOWEVER his own parents had paid their mortgage off/had little outgoing expenses despite both still being in work so they put his rent into savings and when he was 25/26 he was allowed to use those savings and his own to buy a flat of his own, something most people in this generation would never dream off.
On the other hand my brother currently stays at home at age 22 and pays £300 a month when he's working full time and running a car and £100 a month when he's been rude to his boss and gotten the sack. I personally don't think £300 is high enough as he eats everything in their fridge, has the heating on in his room full blast 24/7, brings his girlfriend to family meals with no prior warning so she eats dinner there 3/4 times a week too, he doesn't clean/cook/do laundry and is generally very rude/inconsiderate of parents to the point of screaming matches over things he does, mr always right etc.