Adult step daughter moving in

[Swivelchairaccident83]

So.. I’ve been hanging around here for a while but now I need some advice myself. Not all that familiar with some of the abbreviations and such.

My 25 year old step daughter has moved back home after travelling. When she asked her father if she could move in (I wasn’t present) she told him she could only afford to pay £100 a month. My husband said this was fine. She works full time, no longer has a car and it appears her only outgoing is her phone bill.

Am I being horrid or is it rude to state how much you can afford to pay in these circumstances? I spoke to my husband as we do communicate quite well. Obviously he was quite defensive but I asked what was £100 supposed to cover? It’s not enough in my opinion for a 25 year old who’s working full time. In fact to be honest I think it’s downright rude! I’m not sure what is a reasonable amount but my instincts are telling me this isn’t enough.

To contradict my earlier statement that my husband and I communicate well he didn’t even ask me if I was happy with the amount before clearing it with her. He told me this could go towards the food bill but what about all the other outgoings?

He asked me to speak to her about it but I’ve put my foot down after many difficulties with her over the years and asked him to stop giving me the rubbish jobs. He’s her father and I think he should be questioning her. I’m happy to be there and join in with the discussion when I feel I need to jump in but I believe he needs to start the conversation.

She came home last night and my husband was asking a few polite questions but he never directly asked her what was going on. He does tread on eggshells around her and I’m growing tired of it.

I know she has a busy year with hen parties, weddings and such and I do believe this is her reason for only affording £100. If this is the case which I believe it is then won’t she just have to try and budget and prioritise like the rest of us.

He’s basically just told her she can move in for £100 a month no questions asked.
Do I lead the conversation by myself without my husband? Which I don’t believe I should even if he was present. He’s afraid of looking like the bad guy.
Then there’s me, trying to fight the stereotype of a shitty step-mum.

I hope this is clear as I’m not good at explaining myself and fear I may have babbled on a bit :) any advice welcome :)

I have been concerned for some time, about a brewing situation, which could result in a family member asking to move in with us. And as the result, would be, just as stressful & destructive to our marriage as the OPs situation, I have told my DH that, under no circumstances will I agree to it. He doesn't say much, but in reality, he knows that it would disrupt our lives to the point that he (not just me) would be really unhappy....and it could potentially go on for 2 1/2 to 3 years!!!

After your recent updates I agree with Bananas. My previous post suggested a compromise of a short term stay while she saved up a deposit and sourced accommodation.

However it seems you know that both well, in that both are far too keen for this arrangement to take effect when there is no emergency. Why on earth would a parent encourage an immature 25 year old to move home as opposed to learn life skills!?

I think you need to put your foot down entirely or perhaps agree a month stay maximum. With food etc covered by her due to the low rent and no visitors allowed, including the GF. Either for game nights or sleepovers! It will then be far more attractive for her to look elsewhere.

At 25 she needs to curb her social life to attending what she can afford or look to improve her income

If the girl friend is staying most nights it's £100 per month for two people unless gf just arrives at bedtime and leaves before breakfast without showering.

When I was 18 my father expected me to pay £20 per week and do all the housework and cooking. And I only earned £23.50 per week. No wonder my mum had left.

It sounds like your DH doesn't hear you no matter what you say or how you say it. I think someone's suggestion of finding a tiny flat at his expense until SD moves out a good one. Seems he will only notice actions not words. The gamble is though that he just stays happily living with his DD and doesn't mind you've gone - but if that's the case, why would you want to stay with someone who obviously doesn't love you, doesn't cherish you and doesn't think you matter.

Poor you, I really feel for you and hope you can find a solution

Your husband is a fool.

My ex has parents like your husband. He is now in his late 40's, moved back home to his parents a few years back (he has only lived away from them for approximately 7 years in total) and basically walks all over them. His mum does all his washing and ironing, and cooks his dinners. His dad hands him money whenever he needs it and neither of them realise that they have created a fucking monster who will never, ever leave home because they are too busy treating him like a child.

Your husband is in danger of doing the same thing. You and him doing everything for his DD because 'she can't cook, can't do washing' etc so it's much better if daddy does it all for her or even better gets SM to do it. Charge a tiny amount because she needs to be out socialising. Completely ignoring the fact that going into retirement this 'child' will still be at home. Still taking the piss and you will never actually have the freedom to do what you want with your lives because your husband will always put the priority onto his adult child.

The best thing we can do for our children is give them the skills and ability to go out into the world as adults and not only survive but thrive.

I'm with mycatsapirate - my sister moved back home after a failed attempt at grownupping when she was 23. She is no 35 and no closed to leaving home. My parents are retired and want to downsize and move to an over 50s accommormdation but they cant

Www.sparerooms.com (or.co.uk...can't remember which)

Use this website to see what the going rate for flat sharing is in your area. It maybe useful ammunition in you case. Obviously, if the rate is £500 a month, you could suggest a reduction 'as she is family', but not a huge reduction if you are expected to feed her, provide toilet rolls etc.

There's nothing wromg with a 25 year old moving home after travelling as a stop gap, and parents helping out for a month or so, but she has a job so can comteibute.

Mycats has hit the bail bang on the head!!

Swivel I'd be really interested to hear the outcome of this. As you may have read above, there is some danger that I may be in your position, although I have told my DH, there is no way I'll agree to it!

Flipping that's absolutely appalling!

Hi wdigin how are you? Just saw your last posts. Oh dear I feel a bit of a sinking feeling in my stomach on your behalf. One of your DHs daughters would like to move in? I presume it is the entitled one who is always asking for money? That’s just never going to end well, childish adult daughter, doting father. It seems to play out a lot, this scenario. I do hope she does not move in. Your DH will ignore the stress and hide, leaving you to deal with it I imagine. Please don’t let it happen! Fill up your rooms quick!

mycats in total agreement. I know there is one DSD I would not mind at all coming back as an adult to live temporarily. Because she’s independent already, she’s cooperative, and she’d only use it as a springboard to her life. However, she never will, it’s the other DSD who would like to, who will never leave, who does not want to grow up, who works 4 hours a week in a shop and plays computer games the rest of the time.

Hello everyone. Thank you for all responses. All opinions and advice have been welcome and appreciated.

I am sorry to hear of the situations some of you find yourselves in and I can empathise with you and I truly hope your situations are resolved.
I feel your pain.

I have had two lengthy discussions with my husband and told him exactly how I feel. There have been tears, anger, calm, disagreements and agreements. We finally find outlrselves on the same page.

He understands that the way it was handled was wrong. He understands why I feel the way I do and has agreed to up the rent to £35 a week from the original £25 he told me he thought was acceptable.

We had a lengthy discussion with DSD last night and told her some our outgoings and her words where ‘oh my god...... jesus’ with rather wide eyes.
She does have a huge overdraft and we told her that living here at a reduced rate that she must get this paid off hence not being able to pay extra.

She is to adhere to the rules set out by us and if she doesn’t (my husband backs me 100% on this) she has to leave.
Her room is a tip already so the next few weeks will tell if she has listened to what we have said.

I told her that I simply can’t and won’t run around after an adult child and it’s time to be responsible and behave like an adult. Closing her bedroom door to mask the mess isn’t acceptable. That room is under this roof and her space and the communal space should be kept tidy and respected at all times.

When asked the real reason why she left her girlfriends parents she sheepishly said it was a space issue. She touched her ears, shuffled in her chair and broke eye contact so I suspect this is a lie. But I’ll peobably never know so I can only speculate.

Time will tell and I’m going into this feeling more positive but also still a little nervous. I will post an update in the near future.
I am grateful for ALL opinions and advice given here. I have found this thread helpful. Thank you

Hi Bananas yes I'm good! As it happens it's the offspring of the entitled one....how time fly's eh?
But no, it won't happen because I'm absolutely adamant that it won't!

Glad you've made some progress Swivel and I really hope there is sufficient improvement to make it bearable!
Just to say, some years ago I had a female relative of DH's staying for a while. She was late teens, but so messy, acting like a 5 year old dependant child...so I treated her like one. I'd take her washing into her room, (unironed), and shout downstairs to her....Oh *** don't leave this house until you've tidied your room , put your laundrey away, made your bed and cleaned the bathroom after you.....she did!

Good luck and please keep us updated. We're here for a rant if need be

Arkengarthdale thank you

Hope it works out for you OP!

I havent had time yet to read all of the threads but what if you were to give yourself a reprieve by offering her 6 months of free rent to get herself together. Thus working out and buying time to set up a fair plan that you are truly agreeable to.

As someone who was paying half that in rent at age 12 I’m very much on the letting your kids stay for free, they’re your family not your tenants

ferriswheel I understand it’s difficult to read through so many posts so just to recap my husband was made redundant (he has new employment now) and has taken a 35k a year drop in pay.
If he was still earning his previous wage we both agreed it would be something we would be able to afford to do so she could get on her feet. We just can’t make our finances stretch to support her.

And to add she has already taken a towel from our bathroom (she has her own bathroom) without asking, used it and left it on her bedroom floor. It’s like everything we said to her night before last had gone completely over her head.

My husband and I came home from work yesterday after working 10 hrs each. She had done nothing all day (we asked casually what she had been doing yesterday).

I’m willing to give this another go and I’m trying to be positive but I don’t think this is going to work.
My partner said if it’s not working he will ask her to leave (he told her this face to face) but I think she’ll have to burn down the house before he tells her that.

Sorry, I’ve totally ranted

Greenyogagirl I don’t want to sound blunt and I do appreciate all comments but she isn’t my child. You do realise this is a step parent thread?
These situations aren’t so cut and dry. I wish it was.

I wouldn’t put up with this kind of behaviour from my own brother or sister.

Not charging rent to adult children does them no favours. All ADULTS have to pay to live somewhere. Some are lucky enough to be able to buy outright, some pay mortgages . Some rent. It's real life. Parents who let children stay rent free create an unrealistic world for their kids and a rod for their own back.
Of course there are situations where this has to be tempered by circumstances . If they are ill and unable to work , or saving for a deposit, then of course 'token' rent (from benefits) are acceptable and if not needed financially- then saved and returned to them when they leave. Free is just wrong and breeds entitlement.

Behaviour is a whole other chapter. I've been a stepmother to 4 and mother to 3 for a decade. 2 eldest dsc live/d with us. (Now at Uni so only here part time). You have to pull on your big girl pants and tell it like it is.

My DH has a touch of the Disney Dad about him and will say yes to every little thing his dcs ask (for fear of them moving back to mums) and be more considered with mine.. who he has no such concern about.

I just decided to stop playing that game and said it like it is. Lost my shit with 11 cereal Bowles under the bed etc.. stop tiptoeing around your own home OP. If you wouldn't accept something from your own siblings , do not take it from this advantage taker.

DSD could be testing the water as DF being 'strict' is probably a new thing for her. YOUR towel chucked on her floor sounds like it could be deliberate.

Swivel, glad you took the 'let's talk and come up with an agreement approach'. At least even if it doesn't work, you know you have really gave it your all trying.

So much dramatisation though about adult children coming home on this thread! I went back home when I was 24 after living abroad. It was a traumatic time for me, I didn't want to come home, but the situation I found myself in left me with no choice. My mum didn't charge me a penny. I was there for 4 months and then moved when I got a FT job.

OH and I moved with his parents too when our DC was 5 months old. We had to move out of London and wanted to settle locally. For that, we needed to save and I to look for another job. We paid no rent as we saved money and were there for only 6 months.

That was the last time and I've done well afterwards. My DD will be out of the house in September and is looking forward to it but if she ever needed to come back, the door would always be welcome, with rules, and if my OH (stepdad) had an issue with it, I would be upset.