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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Adult step daughter moving in

198 replies

Swivelchairaccident83 · 12/03/2018 13:10

So.. I’ve been hanging around here for a while but now I need some advice myself. Not all that familiar with some of the abbreviations and such.

My 25 year old step daughter has moved back home after travelling. When she asked her father if she could move in (I wasn’t present) she told him she could only afford to pay £100 a month. My husband said this was fine. She works full time, no longer has a car and it appears her only outgoing is her phone bill.

Am I being horrid or is it rude to state how much you can afford to pay in these circumstances? I spoke to my husband as we do communicate quite well. Obviously he was quite defensive but I asked what was £100 supposed to cover? It’s not enough in my opinion for a 25 year old who’s working full time. In fact to be honest I think it’s downright rude! I’m not sure what is a reasonable amount but my instincts are telling me this isn’t enough.

To contradict my earlier statement that my husband and I communicate well he didn’t even ask me if I was happy with the amount before clearing it with her. He told me this could go towards the food bill but what about all the other outgoings?

He asked me to speak to her about it but I’ve put my foot down after many difficulties with her over the years and asked him to stop giving me the rubbish jobs. He’s her father and I think he should be questioning her. I’m happy to be there and join in with the discussion when I feel I need to jump in but I believe he needs to start the conversation.

She came home last night and my husband was asking a few polite questions but he never directly asked her what was going on. He does tread on eggshells around her and I’m growing tired of it.

I know she has a busy year with hen parties, weddings and such and I do believe this is her reason for only affording £100. If this is the case which I believe it is then won’t she just have to try and budget and prioritise like the rest of us.

He’s basically just told her she can move in for £100 a month no questions asked.
Do I lead the conversation by myself without my husband? Which I don’t believe I should even if he was present. He’s afraid of looking like the bad guy.
Then there’s me, trying to fight the stereotype of a shitty step-mum.

I hope this is clear as I’m not good at explaining myself and fear I may have babbled on a bit :) any advice welcome :)

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 08/07/2018 10:31

Sorry, I posted without seeing your update.
I'm still wondering why both of you are frightened to challenge her, or even speak to her about her plans.
You won't be able to change how DH reacts, but you can change yourself. Just be direct and honest, with both of them. If you don't want her to come in holiday, say so. If you don't want to cook for her, then dont. If you don't want to sub her, th an don't. Ask her directly about her plans for the next 3 years, make her spell it out. You don't need anyone's permission to talk to her.

Is it your house, btw?

Justtheonequestion · 08/07/2018 10:35

Out of order so 25 per week wont even cover her food so you are funding her extra bills. Id consider leaving over this-you dont have a home, but just a house where anyone can invade your space. Your husband is a spineless coward and she knows it. 100 is an insult. Where else would she go-shed find the money. Total pisstake by both of them

AndromedaPerseus · 08/07/2018 10:49

I moved back home for 18 months at 26 when I was working ful time my parents didn’t charge me anything because they werent financially struggling and I wasn’t earning a lot. I paid my food bills and was also running a car. I think if you and your DH are financially ok then accept £100 a month

TiltedTowers · 08/07/2018 10:55

Blimey.

I'd say to her ''because #100 is such a small amount you can make up for it by................

and give her responsibility for a lot of jobs.

TiltedTowers · 08/07/2018 10:59

bloody hell, seen the update. three more years.

Beaverhausen · 08/07/2018 11:03

Just tell her and husband that she has x amount of time to safe up for a deposit and first months rent and then she has to move on. She is a big girl and if she is going to stay longer she needs to increase the rent and pay for a cleaner to keep her pigstie clean.

Velvete · 08/07/2018 11:13

YANBU.

I assume it is both of your home? Would you agree to a family member permanently moving in for £100 a month (a pittance) without discussing it with him?

You're being railroaded here OP. You're going to have to stand up for yourself and be the "wicked stepmother" (even though you're being perfectly reasonable!) or you're going to end up being the submissive one in your own home whilst he panders to his adult daughter and she takes the piss.

If he won't tell her, you need to tell them both.

Dottierichardson · 08/07/2018 11:18

OP there is another potential issue which may or may not be of concern but if anything were to happen to your OH (obviously would hope that would never, never happen) while your DSD is with you it may well alter her claim to the 'estate'. My OH and I were sorting out wills etc a while ago and were asked in detail about this, and we were told any regular support/maintenance of adult children could be taken into account in terms of how much should be inherited/could be claimed. It may be that all of that has been sorted out already, but if not you should at least be aware of the fact that this is not necessarily a case of what support you are prepared to provide day to day.

WhiteCat1704 · 08/07/2018 11:36

God OP...I feel for you...Your DH needs to tell his DD to move out..can't she go to student halls?

You need to tell your DH how you feel and whats at stake...Personally I could not live like that..I'm all for helping adult DC and SC temporarily but no way would I accept this level of disrespect from DH and SC as in THEM making decisions regarding MY house..

Velvete · 08/07/2018 11:41

Sorry I hadn't read your updates. To be honest OP I don't think I could live like that. You say your DH will resent you if you ask her to leave- well you resent him now for allowing his DD to trample all over your home and boundaries. No one would put up with that behaviour. My parents wouldn't allow my adult brother to behave like she does so I don't know why your husband allows it. I think I would have to leave. I'm sorry.

ReHorsing · 08/07/2018 11:46

The more money you take from her, the longer she will be living with you.

I'd tell her to keep it all and help her build a moving out savings plan tbh.

MistressDeeCee · 08/07/2018 11:54

It's his daughter not his mate. I don't think he'd charge her market rent, why should he? She's on minimum wage. Do you want all her wages?

Do you need the money or is it to prove a point? She's likely saving for a place of her own.

You would now say she can't do anything else for herself wouldnt you. She works full-time so she's not a lazy girl and also isn't lounging around your house all day is she? She's at work

What you've written and the way you write sounds terrible. Even if he had run it past you first you wouldn't have been welcoming, because you don't like her.

Unless your H is a weak man, waspishly going on at him about his daughter isn't going to bode well.

WhiteCat1704 · 08/07/2018 13:07

It's his daughter not his mate. I don't think he'd charge her market rent, why should he

She is 25 and taking a piss..it's OPs home and she has an equal say re rent.

Handsfull13 · 08/07/2018 13:12

If you can't chuck her out because he will resent you surely you will end up resenting him for forcing you to let her stay.
Either way I'm sorry to say this is a loosing situation.
If she gets a loan then she can afford to contribute more money to the household at lease.

I'm 26, I went to uni at 19 then came home and moved straight out with my bf. I took on a stepson and now I have 1.5yo twins.
She's 25 and can't open a soup cartoon. Your partner is raising a spoilt child and that shouldn't be on you to deal with.

I suggest a holiday on your own for a truly relaxing time. And while your gone your husband can hire a cleaner to blitz Dsd room and bathroom.

Handsfull13 · 08/07/2018 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveProsecco · 08/07/2018 21:27

OP how awful to read your update. They have. Went against all the rules, exactly as you feared. Thanks

He is acting like a Disney Dad to a 25 year old! Houngan back to Uni definitely sounds like her delaying responsibility & continuing to live with you both.

I think you need to decide on your next steps? This can't continue. Not to mention her attending future holidays!?

Original poster
Swivelchairaccident83 · 08/07/2018 22:33

We live in a big house and have big outgoings which we just about manage. We can’t even afford to run a car. So yes I feel justified charging her to live here. She has a double bedroom and her own private bathroom. We are downsizing next year but my husband says we need to make sure that DSD has a bedroom!
I’m not using untidiness, food etc as a reason to dislike. She’s taken/used and abused things that belong to me and lied to her dads face. She has also stolen items from a lodgers room. This has been going on for years so I don’t need to use mealtimes as an excuse to dislike her, she has brought it on herself.
She was even sneaking into peoples rooms when we went on a big family holiday a few years ago. I don’t know what she was looking for and every time she has been confronted she denies it. Even when I’ve caught her in the act she’ll deny she even did it. What type of lying is that??? It’s ridiculous.
She is not saving money to move out because she’s openly admitted she’s not ready to. She applied for uni not giving us a thought and not realising she is dependent on us.
My husband has guessed something is wrong but I can’t talk to him because he gets so defensive.
I don’t know if I should move out for a couple of days for some space but I don’t have anywhere to go. I feel cornered.

OP posts:
Original poster
Swivelchairaccident83 · 08/07/2018 22:37

My husband was made redundant from a highly paid job and we had to give up our car and the size of the house is what remains of a former lifestyle hence only just being able to manage it on a different combined income and the need to downsize. The rent she pays is neccessary.

OP posts:
luckycat007 · 09/07/2018 00:27

I'm with @Velvete - I'd be off. If you don't consider yourself no one else is going to.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/07/2018 00:37

I’d go away OP. Is there someone you could stay with or a cheap hotel for a couple of nights?

You’re being pushed out of your own home by a spoiled brat and a spineless man who for some reason won’t even conduct a calm civil conversation with you.

It’s easy to say from a distance and I’m sure it feels like a tangled horrible stressful mess when you’re in the middle of it, but the raging disrespect for your home and your right to have a say about what goes on in and who else lives there is just too fucking much.

He’s thrown you under the bus and he’s using your money to prop up an adult who thinks she’s too good to work and pay rent. It’s embarrassing. Once the respect is dead so is the relationship.

WhiteCat1704 · 09/07/2018 07:06

Well if you are downsizing its a perfect opportunity to split your assets? No way would I agree to buy another property where his over 25 has a bedroom..guest room at most..for emergencies..She will NEVER leave if he is like that.

Look OP..it seems to have been going on for a long time..unless you change/do something it will stay the same

WhiteCat1704 · 09/07/2018 07:26

Also...It won't be good for SDs self esteem and self respect to be dependent on you like that. Your DH should love her enough to push her into adulthood and independence..He isn't so the situation is doing something for him..usually it's the feeling of guilt they struggle with or the feeling of being needed..I personally believe that letting your adult child waste like that and not teaching them they have to take responsibility is a crap and selfish parenting..your DH is not thinking about his DD long term..and who knows maybe he enjoys conflict between her and you too?

MeridianB · 09/07/2018 09:52

Hi OP. I am not sure how you are managing to hold it together in the face of all this. I would have cracked long ago.

My stepfather has a son of 40 who had a very similar trajectory to your DSD. He still lives with his mother (!) and only works when he wants to - has never had a job working for someone else as he cannot handle being told what to do by anyone.

With your situation, I can't see your DH or his daughter changing I'm afraid, so I think I would detach completely. You deserve better than existing from one day to the next with this around your neck and a deteriorating relationship with your DH. I think the PP who suggested that downsizing provided the ideal chance to separate was sadly spot on.

Whatever you decide, you're doing brilliantly.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 09/07/2018 10:11

Ltb.
Can't see another way you can have any say in your own life /home /future.
And those who are saying you just don't want a dsd living at home - it's still hard with a biological adult dc still at home never mind a returning piss taking one!
Your dh is one hell of a df (Disney father) and you are entitled to walk away. It isn't a marriage anymore but an endurance exercise.

ilovepaperchase · 09/07/2018 10:26

Feel bad for you OP. Have you seen a solicitor?