Adult step daughter moving in

[Swivelchairaccident83]

So.. I’ve been hanging around here for a while but now I need some advice myself. Not all that familiar with some of the abbreviations and such.

My 25 year old step daughter has moved back home after travelling. When she asked her father if she could move in (I wasn’t present) she told him she could only afford to pay £100 a month. My husband said this was fine. She works full time, no longer has a car and it appears her only outgoing is her phone bill.

Am I being horrid or is it rude to state how much you can afford to pay in these circumstances? I spoke to my husband as we do communicate quite well. Obviously he was quite defensive but I asked what was £100 supposed to cover? It’s not enough in my opinion for a 25 year old who’s working full time. In fact to be honest I think it’s downright rude! I’m not sure what is a reasonable amount but my instincts are telling me this isn’t enough.

To contradict my earlier statement that my husband and I communicate well he didn’t even ask me if I was happy with the amount before clearing it with her. He told me this could go towards the food bill but what about all the other outgoings?

He asked me to speak to her about it but I’ve put my foot down after many difficulties with her over the years and asked him to stop giving me the rubbish jobs. He’s her father and I think he should be questioning her. I’m happy to be there and join in with the discussion when I feel I need to jump in but I believe he needs to start the conversation.

She came home last night and my husband was asking a few polite questions but he never directly asked her what was going on. He does tread on eggshells around her and I’m growing tired of it.

I know she has a busy year with hen parties, weddings and such and I do believe this is her reason for only affording £100. If this is the case which I believe it is then won’t she just have to try and budget and prioritise like the rest of us.

He’s basically just told her she can move in for £100 a month no questions asked.
Do I lead the conversation by myself without my husband? Which I don’t believe I should even if he was present. He’s afraid of looking like the bad guy.
Then there’s me, trying to fight the stereotype of a shitty step-mum.

I hope this is clear as I’m not good at explaining myself and fear I may have babbled on a bit :) any advice welcome :)

I wouldn't be happy about DH not consulting you about this beforehand. That in itself is an issue to be addressed - the fact he doesn't find it necessary to speak to you before agreeing to let someone share your home.

I could understand if you were helping SD while she was broke or a student, or in a difficult place, but as a capable adult in full employment I see no reason why she should be living with you. It would be ok as a temporary arrangement while she got on her feet for a few months, but there appears to be no end date planned?

In your shoes I'd be speaking to DH to clarify an end date for this arrangement within a few months and to discuss why he didn't seek my permission before agreeing.

Tell her there are rules as she's getting an excellent deal

1. Keep her room and bathroom clean and reasonably tidy
2. List if some of the household chores
3. Tell her you want £250 a month and you and her dad will save the extra £150 for a deposit for her next home

I'd she's working full time in minimum wage she should be taking him around £1k a month I think (may be wrong here) so she's still have 750 a month which is plenty to blow on crap!

sod that for a game of soldiers.

i would go with:
you are happy with 100 a month cos that must mean that she is saving hard to move out.
3 months should do it, or does she need help with a flat/room deposit?
i would not get in a row about the 100 she has agreed with dh
use it to your advantage and focus on moving her on.

AJPTaylor I know her and I’m positive she is not saving for future plans.
We can not afford to subsidise her. With just a phone bill to pay I don’t know why my husband finds this acceptable. Husband said he just wants her home like she’s 15 or something. She shouldn’t even be at home.
I’m all for meeting up and spending quality time together but living with us and behaving like she does is not something I’m prepared to put up with. I’ll try my best to sort this out tonight.

Problem here is your husband.25 is to old to move back home.tell her you don't want any money from her.tell her she has 4 months to save for a deposit on a rented flat..she can put her 100 a month to that.

You need a time limit on this ..

I think it is very wrong that your OH didn't discuss this with you especially if it is expected to be long term. This will have a significant impact on you. Very wrong. However
How much my husband and I earn is irrelevant (imo) I’m not looking to profit from her living with us but I want her to take some damn responsibility, it’s the principle.
This is wrong on your part and the reason why you OH and you don't agree on this matter. It isn't a matter of principle. As a parent, he wants to help and if £100 is likely to cover more or less the extra costs, then it isn't unreasonable. You want her to pay more because deep inside, you want her to 'suffer' to as you are made to do. I expect the reason for agreeing it is because she's wracked some debts living abroad and her dad wants her to pay these off.

What you need to do is put your resentment away because both she and your OH will feel it and feed on it. Take a deep breath, and agree to sit down and set some clear rules. Be honest and say that you are worried about it as it's a big adjustment to you, but you want it to work for everyone and for that, she will need to follow some rules. Negotiate, debate, agree. That's the only way it is going to work.

She's on minimum wage. She stated what she could afford so if it was a problem her dad could've said no. He will always side with her. And you don't know if she's in debt or is saving to move out, speak to her about the hygiene but the money is between her and her father and doesn't actually involve you as it doesn't realistically affect you, only him

25 is too old to be moving back home with parents. The daughter needs to grow up and take responsibility for herself and her life. The dad/husband needs to grow some balls and put his foot down with his daughter. He is treating her like a little girl and his wife is not some second class citizen who needs to just put up and shut up. Christ on a stick. No wonder they're known as the snowflake generation.

Plagiarizing to read properly later

Don't let her move in, she'll drive you insane and never leave. It's your home it's your decision.tell them both straight, she'll find some other person to suck the life out of. Good luck !

I understand completely where you're coming from, and it's not about the money at all. Last year I agreed to let my DD1, her fiance and new puppy (WTF was I thinking!) move in with me. The situation has now got so bad that we don't even speak to each other. They haven't house trained the dog, but allowed it to consider the hallway as it's toilet, so if I leave my room I'm walking through pee and poo. The kitchen is a sea of mud and dog hairs. Had another huge bust up a few weeks ago when I came downstairs in the morning and couldn't even make a slice of toast without spending 20 minutes clearing up first. I work 50 - 60 hours a week in a stressful job and I should at least be able to make breakfast on my day off!

If I say anything I'm accused of beng controlling and that they're constantly 'walking on eggshells' around me (try cleaning your F*ing shit up then!)

My mental health has deteriorated to such a state that I realised I was contemplating every avenue to leave.

I finally broke down in front of my DD, let her catch a glimpse of quite how bad I was feeling. I got accused of making 'fake' threats (and I didnt threaten anything, I wouldn't do anything stupid, DD2 is final year Uni and I wouldn't mess that up), but it has, at least resulted in them taking dog to stay at his mums for a while (hopefully she can house train it). I think they are going to move out to her dads (he flatly refused to have the dog), but as they are currently not speaking to me I don't really know.

Life is really shit

www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-43321512

sorry for the long post, really just meant to say I understand that 'staying in your room' thing. Stop it now before you get to the level I'm in

Barring emergencies, early 20s is old enough to stand on their own feet. And even in emergencies there should be a time limit for moving back out. Your DH is totally out of order.

This isn’t about finances; it’s just unacceptable of your DH to expect you to put up with her moving into your home. I think I’d be saying a firm No, and saying you’ll move out if she moves in.

There’s no good making rules as it will no doubt end up your job to police them and how do you do that without fallouts.

My DH knows that if his adult DSD moved in I would be moving out. I love my stepchildren but there is no way I could live with either of them. It doesn't mean that I don't care about them or want the best for them. Unless illness or special needs are involved, adult children need to be independent and live away from their parents. It's ok to say this to your DH and tell him that DSD needs to make other living arrangements.

Remember it's your house too ☹️☹️

I understand about divorced fathers, who walk on eggshells around their kids, (especially daughters), for fear they won't see them.....but this daughter is not a child anymore. It's totally unfair that your DH says, 'Oh yes I'm OK with that, (to everything she asks for) but you'll have to check with Swivel'. That's outrageously selfish, because he doesn't want be the bad guy, so he's dumping it all on you, which, if you say no, makes you the Evil Stepmother From Hell it's just not fair.
Have you considered, writing a letter to your DH, (make it short or he won't get to the end ), telling him in a bullet point format, all the reasons why you find this unacceptable, asking how he intends to address each one? I think you have to now make a stand, tell him you give him one month to sort it out, if nothing changes, you'll be finding a short term flat, which he'll need to pay for, until hid daughter moves out!
Good luck, and I'll be very interested to hear about the outcome

PS: If you move out, and your DH, has to cope single handedly, with his DD's mess and lack of consideration, not to mention the cooking, washing, shopping and ironing for her....he'll maybe appreciate how much you actually do!

swingofthings I appreciate your feedback. The £100 will not cover costs and I don’t want her to suffer. We have just got back on our feet after my husbands redundancy and having found new employment and now it seems we are expected to support her.

The more I read the more ominous it sounds. It’s just not going to work without causing you too high stress.

I know some posters have urged debate, a compromise, a time limit. Even I did at first. Your DH and your DSD don’t cooperate or even acknowledge that it is your home too.

That’s not going to change. You’ll be constantly having to be the one to bring up issues when she moves in and your DH will side with his DD. It’ll be impossible.

Your comment OP that your DH was looking forward to his DD coming ‘home’ is fairly key. He will sacrifice his relationship with you to feel needed by his DD and doesn’t particularly want her to grow up and treat other people well.

My DP says that he’d really like his daughters to move back in with him too - we are in a long drawn out separation. His daughters are early to mid twenties! Two are showing no signs of growing independent and DP can’t wait to enable their continued dependency.

Bananas high, how are you? I fear you're right about time limits here, as once the DSD has her feet under the table, I doubt she'd want to leave any time soon! But, unfortunately it looks like, her moving in is now done deal, so the OP has to choose, negotiate or leave!