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Original poster

Am I an awful person for not going out with Dh and his kids ?

234 replies

lovescentedcandles · 24/02/2018 11:41

My Dh is annoyed with me because I can't go out with him and his kids on Saturdays.
I work full time and am doing a PhD. I need Saturdays to clean the house and do PhD work.

If I go out with him and the kids on Saturdays, then the only day that we have together alone will be Sunday. I would then need to spend Sunday cleaning and doing PhD work as I wouldn't be able to get that done on the Saturday. We would have no 'real' time together alone.

I don't really enjoy spending time with his kids as they are loud, rude and don't do as they are told. And I would rather choose to spend any time that I have 'off' from work, PhD and cleaning alone with him and not running around after his kids. I need some down time too.

I don't think he realises that he benefits in a way because he never does any cleaning and he gets to go out and have fun with his kids while I do all the horrible household chores like cleaning the toilet and getting hair out of the bath Hmm.

He is now annoyed with me because they are out and I am at home. Am I a horrible person? He's making me feel very bad about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovescentedcandles · 24/02/2018 15:34

Yes I think I would.
Yeah so more their responsibility which is what I was saying.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovescentedcandles · 24/02/2018 15:36

Yes because someone said I prioritise my job and Dh over the kids.
I do need to work to be able to live. I wouldn't even know the kids if I hadn't met my husband so it makes sense that he is my priority.

OP posts:
user1474652148 · 24/02/2018 15:36

But you have a role too. You are not making them feel remotely welcome. Dh is likely to feel very upset about this after a while.
I hope your attitude changes when your own dc arrive.

Original poster
lovescentedcandles · 24/02/2018 15:36

I don't expect to be his priority by the way, I know the kids come first

OP posts:
Original poster
lovescentedcandles · 24/02/2018 15:37

Where have I said I don't make them feel welcome?

OP posts:
Maybe83 · 24/02/2018 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1474652148 · 24/02/2018 15:37

Btw I wouldn’t want you anywhere near my children. You don’t sound like a kind or warm person at all.

theredjellybean · 24/02/2018 15:38

i have just re read your original post OP and tbf i dont think you are an awful person to not want to go out all day every saturday ...but does your DH and the children want to go out every saturday ? or do they do that because you have made it clear they are not really welcome in their own home at the weekends ?

I should imagine they maybe sometimes want to just hang out at home ...and sometimes maybe your DH would like to be relaxing in his home too...

i also wonder why you posted this ? what prompted you to question yourself ? did your DH say something or ask you again to go with them ? maybe you need to talk to him about how you feel and gauge how he and the children feel...after all you are married to this man and this house is his home too ...and his children's home, and if he is feeling he and his kids are not welcome that could cause a lot of resentment

Original poster
lovescentedcandles · 24/02/2018 15:41

@user1474652148 you have made a lot of incorrect assumptions.

OP posts:
user1474652148 · 24/02/2018 15:43

Well good luck op. You haven’t really taken on board any suggestions so this is pointless. You may wish you had listened to those that have been through all of this aleady and know the pitfalls.
I would be sure you are ready before committing to adding another child to this fraught environment

Original poster
lovescentedcandles · 24/02/2018 15:44

Ok.
You don't know what I have taken on board and what I haven't.
What I have taken from this is the suggestion of spending one Saturday a month with them.

OP posts:
user1474652148 · 24/02/2018 15:48

It is good that you are going to do that once a month, but your heart needs to be in it. Being there under duress or duty will be transparent and obvious.
Your dh will I am sure appreciate your efforts and time. You might even start to enjoy their company after a while who knows Grin at least you tried.

user1474652148 · 24/02/2018 15:50

I didn’t much like little kids before I had my own. So do understand it is not easy for you

ClareB83 · 24/02/2018 15:52

Slight tangent but on the cleaner point.

They will definitely clean a small house. I got a cleaner a few months ago for a 2 bed house and it's great.

But you do have to prepare for the cleaner ie wash up, tidy up, clear surfaces, make sure you're stocked up with products she needs.

And they don't do everything eg laundry.

And they don't do everything the way you would.

So you'll still have some things to do and you'll need to do the prep work on a mid week evening which might not work for you if you're so busy mid week.

Winosaurus · 24/02/2018 15:54

Woah the responses on this are unreal!
SMs can’t win, if they get involved they spend their lives walking on eggshells or risk being accused of “over-stepping” and people emphasise how kids need time with their dad alone. But if you take a hands-off approach you’re called cold?
OP I don’t think you sound cold, you’re not their parent and marrying someone with kids doesn’t make you their parent. Stepparents are often put under pressure to love their SCs and that’s not always possible. I like my SCs a lot but I can’t in all honesty say I love them and I’m not sure I ever will... does that make me a terrible person?
I’m kind to them and like having them around but I get what you’re saying about being like an “auntie” because I view it that way too. I’m not their parent but I do care for them but I don’t want to be too involved, I let my DP and their Mum do that job.
I actually think it’s nice your DH has every Saturday doing fun things with his kids.
If it’s bothering him though maybe just go along one Saturday a month to appease him

UtterlyRainbowed · 24/02/2018 15:55

My Dad's wife was always there and absolutely vile. I wish she'd have buggered off. As an adult I'm NC with both of them :)

I actually agree with your stance on this OP and no you're not horrible or cold. You're prioritising and your priorities are fair.

I wouldn't change anything unless you want too

Winosaurus · 24/02/2018 15:55

Sorry X post

PhelanThePain · 24/02/2018 15:58

TBH if your husband’s kids are there half the week then he should be doing more of the cleaning because his children will be creating a lot of the mess, laundry etc.

In his shoes I would be taking an hour on a saturday morning and having the kids sort their bedroom whilst I did the bathroom and then altogether do quick dust and hoover, and stick laundry into machine. If you’re working full time and studying how much mess can you really be creating? You’re not there!

user1474652148 · 24/02/2018 16:01

Wino

Why marry someone with children if it’s all to hard and difficult for you and op?
We are all grown ups and of average intelligence to know kids aren’t just for Christmas they are a permanent life long commitment

Winosaurus · 24/02/2018 16:02

Firstly I haven’t married him Grin
And secondly I love him and like his kids, why is that so terrible?

PhelanThePain · 24/02/2018 16:03

You’re coming across as just itching for a row user

Winosaurus · 24/02/2018 16:03

Yeah I agree Phelan

user1474652148 · 24/02/2018 16:05

Phelan
No I am not, but it is abit much. You marry someone with dc you are marrying the whole family. They come altogether

Bluntness100 · 24/02/2018 16:06

Meh.. not sure why folks have got their knickers in a twist

Op, to me you sound disengaged. You desire not to be involved hence why you pick spending the day cleaning rather than with his kids.

Did you speak to your husband about your relationship with the kids before you married? It seems you've misaligned expectations. This is the nub of the issue.

He wants you to co parent when he's got the kids. You don't want to and wish to remain disengaged. So you need to sit down and talk about it. You need to let him know you do not wish to co parent or support and will remain disengaged. He will need to accept that or walk away from you. In this it's your decision he cannot force you.

user1474652148 · 24/02/2018 16:09

I agree blunt

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