Am I an awful person for not going out with Dh and his kids ?

[lovescentedcandles]

My Dh is annoyed with me because I can't go out with him and his kids on Saturdays.
I work full time and am doing a PhD. I need Saturdays to clean the house and do PhD work.

If I go out with him and the kids on Saturdays, then the only day that we have together alone will be Sunday. I would then need to spend Sunday cleaning and doing PhD work as I wouldn't be able to get that done on the Saturday. We would have no 'real' time together alone.

I don't really enjoy spending time with his kids as they are loud, rude and don't do as they are told. And I would rather choose to spend any time that I have 'off' from work, PhD and cleaning alone with him and not running around after his kids. I need some down time too.

I don't think he realises that he benefits in a way because he never does any cleaning and he gets to go out and have fun with his kids while I do all the horrible household chores like cleaning the toilet and getting hair out of the bath .

He is now annoyed with me because they are out and I am at home. Am I a horrible person? He's making me feel very bad about it.

Or on the flip side I could be completely wrong and he might not want to merge families and that might be what he likes about you

He may be the one happy with keeping it separate?

You haven't said anything wrong in the thread at all just I would want you to love them off your own back but maybe he hasn't tried to set that up

I didn't mean cold in a horrible way as you've just been honest just in this situation I perceive it as cold and hope you wasn't hurt by my opinion

I dont see the problem with you not wanting to go out on a saturday with someone elses kids, when youre working full time AND doing a PHD AND doing all the bloody cleaning.

He really wants it all from you doesnt he

The fact that you don’t like this children will eventually come between you. You are essentially rejecting his dc. I appreciate you are busy, but making some effort once a month even for a few hours is very important to your family dynamic. Evening meal, trip to the cinema something low key.

Resentment could easily set in, both from your dh and your dsc. You knew when you married him he came with a package, and now you think the cleaning is more important than family time. Perhaps when you have your own children you will understand how much they mean to him.
He should be doing half the cleaning, you are making a rod for your own back in future years trying to undo bad precedents. You should be seeing his dc and making an effort.
Not every weekend, but certainly once a month ( you can do things you enjoy, introduce them to riding or sailing or shoe shopping) A good relationship with them will make life easier and more harmonious for you all in the long term.
( if my dh refused to see my dc it would be the end of the road for us so bear that in mind )

@Helpimfalling I have dinner with them when I am home from work in time. I can't do any more than that really, I have to work.
It's a good job you're not their mother then and just so you know his mother would have no right to stop me being in my own home.

@user1474652148 I don't refuse to see them. I see them 3-4 times a week. Also for the third time, I don't dislike his children I dislike their behaviour.

You are not an “auntie”, they live with you 50% of their life. You say you don’t dislike them, but nor do you say you like them.

It’s good for them to have time alone with DH, but with DC you often get back what you put in.

“If I get home from work on time”: so as well as your relationship with DH (sundays, all day) work, phd and housework are all higher priorities.

You are partly responsible for teaching them how to behave.

I don’t think you sound cold at all, @lovescentedcandles - and you have a lot on your plate at the moment.

If I were you, I’d have a chat with your dh and say that, in order for you to spend time with them on a Saturday, he would have to do the housework on a Sunday day, whilst you did your PhD work - and as that would mean the two of you wouldn’t get time together at the weekend, you don’t think it would work for you to do it every time, so how about you going out with them once a month, and the other weekends you do the housework and study on Saturday, so the two of you get Sunday together.

Plus this would mean him spending quality time alone with his children - something you obviously realise is important to them.

Basically it’s about finding a compromise that you are all happy with.

The cleaning could be shared or outsourced.

What is DH studying for? Unrealistic IMO to have two people working FT and studying when there are two DC of that age in the home.

When I was a child we didn’t see my mum (who I lived with) much at weekends. She worked nights initially so weekends were spent out with my dad to let her sleep and then she changed to days and did a course that lasted a couple of years meaning she was spending most evenings and weekends hiding away with her books. She worked full time so this was the only time she had to do it and yes she did all the cleaning too. TBH we were more than happy to be out with my dad. It never occurred to us that Mum should be there too. Of course there were odd occasions we would go to specific things as a family. I really can’t see anything harmful or wrong with OPs set up.

I said an auntie type figure. I'm not their Mum.
Yes my job is important as I need it to keep a roof over my head. Yes my relationship with my husband is more important to me. My PhD is also important and housework I don't love doing but is something that needs to get done unfortunately.

Unrealistic IMO to have two people working FT and studying when there are two DC of that age in the home.

Really? So lone parents can’t work full time and study?

But you are not ‘with’ them at all, you are emotionally withdrawn. You may endure dinner with them but that is as far as it goes. You tolerate them for the minimum possible time.

There is one thing pushing them into a relationship with you and quite another to avoid one altogether.

I expect your dh would like to go out for family days out like other families. No doubt he is somewhere surrounded by couples and children, it must hurt that you choose not to be there time after time.

When you married him, you married all of him - little children included. You only get a window to bond with young children and then it closes.
Why not ask them over to bake with you, make Easter eggs for Daddy or pancakes. Take them out for a nature walk. Hell why not hug one of them and be loving? They are your dc as well

so as well as your relationship with DH (sundays, all day) work, phd and housework are all higher priorities.

Than someone else’s children who already have two involved parents? Er yes!

Your children too, step or otherwise

I just don't agree that they are 'my' children.
They are my husbands and his ex's children who are both very much present in their lives. I'm their dads wife.

As someone who also never had any time without my step mum in the picture I think you’re doing fine. I think you could compromise a little though, I’m sure the DC wouldn’t mind you coming along once a month and it would make your DH happy. The cleaning can wait.

Now I’m a parent I totally get that you would want a partner who loves your DC like their own but the fact is you can’t force these things. It’s not ideal but not much in life is.

@user1474652148 - totally disagree.

They are not ‘her’ children. They have 2 parents - a mum and dad.

If the OP was to post they were ‘her’ children she would be shot down by mums on here!!!!

I made it clear that the children at ‘her’ step children, she is their stepmother, she is not just their father’s wife. She is a step mother!

a lot of you people have blatantly never tried to study with children around.

I don't see the point on people commenting because your mind has been made up there your DHs kids nothing to do with you

Would you happily show him this thread?

Not nothing to do with me but more the responsibility of his mum and dad. No?

No, they have primary responsibility but you have some responsibility to them as well as their stepmother

But would you show DH the thread would he feel anyway

I think you have lots of issues regarding the children, lots.
The fact you refer yourself as their fathers wife says it all.

i think the most telling things you have said is ' i am their dad's wife', and 'i have to work to keep a roof over my head'

No mention of family home, i am their stepmum...etc, you do come across very very cold towards these children, i wonder how they feel ?