Hi - a bit of advice please.
OH and I have been on and off for 4 years. He has a 5yo son. We have a 5 month old son. Things have never been smooth sailing when it comes to SS. I was the first relationship after the ex and she hated me right away. Never took the time to get to know me. OH handled it all wrong. SS was used as a weapon - both against me and against her. When they'd fight, he would bring SS around me and we'd all do little family things together. When they would make up, she would tell OH SS is not allowed around me and then SS would be taken away. So building a bond with SS has been impossible from day 1.
OH would also know how I felt about the situation and so whenever we'd argue or I'd do something he didn't like, he would use SS as a weapon again. So he'd go stay over at the exes house (they both swear nothing happened) in order to watch SS, but would never cross that boundary when things were good between us. Would put up social media pictures and statuses saying that his son was the only person who mattered in his life etc. I have done a lot for OH. He's had a rough few years and I've been there for him, letting him live in my house and helping him financially as he's not been working, helping him with his health and mental health problems. But SS has always been an issue. His behaviour is awful and any time I mention anything I get accused of not liking him. He's only warm to his parents; he's really dismissive of anyone else (nan, aunts, uncles, me etc). He's argumentative, a bully, entitled, a thief, rude, and though he's lovely to my baby, it's made him start reverting backwards to get his dad's attention.
Social services are involved as his mother is slack. Forgets dress up days at school. Puts him in after school club every evening despite only working part time. She hands him off to anyone who will have him. I'm the enemy to her always. When I was pregnant, I made a real effort to try to blend families. I moved OH in and allowed him to have SS at mine every other weekend. I made space for his belongings, bought toys. But my house was always treated with no respect (from either of them), I was left doing all the chores, all the cooking, all the discipline and routine while OH just played and played Disney Dad. I was always to blame for everything from SS (broccoli on his plate that OH asked me to put there? My fault. His favourite show missed? My fault). For SS's birthday, I spent a lot of money on his presents but wasn't allowed to come to his party. So I sat at home pregnant and alone with a couple weeks to my due date.
OH and SS have an inseparable bond, which is lovely but very lonely for me. When SS would come over, I'd be made to feel like a stranger in my own home. I always felt like I was intruding if I walked into the living room and they were curled up watching a film together. OH paid no bills either but was happy to feed his son from my fridge, bath him with my water etc, and I allowed it because I wanted to try and have a blended family.
When the baby came, I thought we could all be a family because the baby would join us together. It got worse. OH wouldn't really help with the baby when SS was over and SS would refuse to acknowledge I was the baby's mother and so once more I was made to feel excluded. They'd sit together all curled up and SS would moan if I tried to sit with them. Say things like 'why don't you go to your room so it's just me and daddy and the baby?' I spent ages decorating my spare room into a nursery for the baby (something I've dreamed about for ages). I sent OH a picture of some fold away beds to buy for SS so he had a proper bed instead of the blow up bed he was sleeping on (which I bought otherwise he'd have been on the sofa) and OH never bought it. But then I got called a b*tch by ex for having her son on a blow up bed next to the cot I'd bought for my own son. The room is tiny, it's also MY flat which OH doesn't contribute to, and there's no room for a permanent bed in there hence the fold out bed suggestion. But I'm always to blame.
The last straw came when I asked SS to stop screaming as the baby was asleep. OH blew up and started screaming at me saying I don't like his son. I treat him differently from the way I treat OH's nieces (which is true but that's because his nieces love me and they want to be around me). I asked him to leave because I was sick of the aggravation surrounding his son. He made me pack up all his son's things and send them to him (including the stuff I'd bought which I wanted to keep here for if SS came to visit to see his brother) but OH and his ex tag teamed me, calling me and calling me names and said I'd never be around SS again. So I packed it up.
A few months later and OH is trying to right his wrongs and has been staying a few nights a week to bond with the baby and help me out a bit. He keeps making hints about bringing SS back to stay and how much he loves my parenting style. I've said he's not to bring his son to stay anymore. This is MY house and I'm not being made to feel like an outsider in my own home anymore. I feel like I'm well within my rights to feel this way and keep my distance. OH can bring his son's together to bond but I'm done with it now.
Guess that means there's no hope for me and OH to be together in the future? I don't think I will ever stop feeling this way but some of my friends have relationships where they don't have anything to do with their partners children for similar reasons...