His son makes me not want to try again

[user1490008614]

Hi - a bit of advice please.

OH and I have been on and off for 4 years. He has a 5yo son. We have a 5 month old son. Things have never been smooth sailing when it comes to SS. I was the first relationship after the ex and she hated me right away. Never took the time to get to know me. OH handled it all wrong. SS was used as a weapon - both against me and against her. When they'd fight, he would bring SS around me and we'd all do little family things together. When they would make up, she would tell OH SS is not allowed around me and then SS would be taken away. So building a bond with SS has been impossible from day 1.

OH would also know how I felt about the situation and so whenever we'd argue or I'd do something he didn't like, he would use SS as a weapon again. So he'd go stay over at the exes house (they both swear nothing happened) in order to watch SS, but would never cross that boundary when things were good between us. Would put up social media pictures and statuses saying that his son was the only person who mattered in his life etc. I have done a lot for OH. He's had a rough few years and I've been there for him, letting him live in my house and helping him financially as he's not been working, helping him with his health and mental health problems. But SS has always been an issue. His behaviour is awful and any time I mention anything I get accused of not liking him. He's only warm to his parents; he's really dismissive of anyone else (nan, aunts, uncles, me etc). He's argumentative, a bully, entitled, a thief, rude, and though he's lovely to my baby, it's made him start reverting backwards to get his dad's attention.

Social services are involved as his mother is slack. Forgets dress up days at school. Puts him in after school club every evening despite only working part time. She hands him off to anyone who will have him. I'm the enemy to her always. When I was pregnant, I made a real effort to try to blend families. I moved OH in and allowed him to have SS at mine every other weekend. I made space for his belongings, bought toys. But my house was always treated with no respect (from either of them), I was left doing all the chores, all the cooking, all the discipline and routine while OH just played and played Disney Dad. I was always to blame for everything from SS (broccoli on his plate that OH asked me to put there? My fault. His favourite show missed? My fault). For SS's birthday, I spent a lot of money on his presents but wasn't allowed to come to his party. So I sat at home pregnant and alone with a couple weeks to my due date.

OH and SS have an inseparable bond, which is lovely but very lonely for me. When SS would come over, I'd be made to feel like a stranger in my own home. I always felt like I was intruding if I walked into the living room and they were curled up watching a film together. OH paid no bills either but was happy to feed his son from my fridge, bath him with my water etc, and I allowed it because I wanted to try and have a blended family.

When the baby came, I thought we could all be a family because the baby would join us together. It got worse. OH wouldn't really help with the baby when SS was over and SS would refuse to acknowledge I was the baby's mother and so once more I was made to feel excluded. They'd sit together all curled up and SS would moan if I tried to sit with them. Say things like 'why don't you go to your room so it's just me and daddy and the baby?' I spent ages decorating my spare room into a nursery for the baby (something I've dreamed about for ages). I sent OH a picture of some fold away beds to buy for SS so he had a proper bed instead of the blow up bed he was sleeping on (which I bought otherwise he'd have been on the sofa) and OH never bought it. But then I got called a b*tch by ex for having her son on a blow up bed next to the cot I'd bought for my own son. The room is tiny, it's also MY flat which OH doesn't contribute to, and there's no room for a permanent bed in there hence the fold out bed suggestion. But I'm always to blame.

The last straw came when I asked SS to stop screaming as the baby was asleep. OH blew up and started screaming at me saying I don't like his son. I treat him differently from the way I treat OH's nieces (which is true but that's because his nieces love me and they want to be around me). I asked him to leave because I was sick of the aggravation surrounding his son. He made me pack up all his son's things and send them to him (including the stuff I'd bought which I wanted to keep here for if SS came to visit to see his brother) but OH and his ex tag teamed me, calling me and calling me names and said I'd never be around SS again. So I packed it up.

A few months later and OH is trying to right his wrongs and has been staying a few nights a week to bond with the baby and help me out a bit. He keeps making hints about bringing SS back to stay and how much he loves my parenting style. I've said he's not to bring his son to stay anymore. This is MY house and I'm not being made to feel like an outsider in my own home anymore. I feel like I'm well within my rights to feel this way and keep my distance. OH can bring his son's together to bond but I'm done with it now.

Guess that means there's no hope for me and OH to be together in the future? I don't think I will ever stop feeling this way but some of my friends have relationships where they don't have anything to do with their partners children for similar reasons...

The 5 yr old in the middle of all this isnt the problem.

Your unemployed, cock lodging, emotionally immature DP is.

He stays at his ex's house and puts up silly FB profiles when you've had a disagreement? He is taking the absolute piss out of you, OP.

I pity the poor little boy in the middle of all this.

To answer your question, I'd say right now it would be so much healthier for you to focus on your baby, job, home and having a calm, happy life without your partner/ex. He can see his child, take some responsibility for blending HIS family (his two children) in a constructive manner and maybe sort his own life out.

@pompom - this is what I was considering doing. I don't mind him taking the baby for a few hours and doing something with them both. But what this would mean is that he moves out essentially every other weekend, which actually doesn't bother me. Am I right in making this a permanent thing? Without SS, OH and I are fine.

@sofancy - yes I agree with you. For my own benefit right now I need to enjoy being a mum without the stress. In the future, I don't know if we can ever work.

My Husband had 2 children from a previous relationship when I met him they were 3 and 4 years old. They used to come over to my flat every 2 weeks and sleep on the Saturday night. Their Mum was always pleasant to me and as far as I’m aware didn’t ever bad mouth me. My Husband didnt Drive so I had to go and pick them up and drop them back home. They idolised their Dad but didn’t appear to idolise me. Even though I let them stay over mine and fed them and bought takeaway etc.
It had its ups and downs and eventually we had our own baby but not until his children were 15 and 14 years old. Which made things slightly easier I think

But your SSis just a child. The problem isn't him, it's his father and mother. Mostly his father though. You chose poorly and don't want to admit it by putting all the blame on a child. Your OH just doesn't really care about you. Accept it and move on.

Yes I think you could start it this way either by letting him round for 2 hours say or letting Your OH take him to McDonald’s and take the baby aswell. Gives you a break too.
Then if things start to improve later on then re-evaluate it then.

Umm...hence why I've come here -a place known for snotty, pompous, judgemental replies

If you meant this, not sure that anyone here can help, being all pompous and stuff

I don't see how you can have a relationship where you are living together if you don't want to have anything to do with his child. Your partner sounds absolutely terrible but if you want to be with him then live apart and see him when he doesn't have his child. Or separate and set up a contact schedule where he can see his baby and let the siblings spend time together.

Bold fail... hence why I've come here -a place known for snotty, pompous, judgemental replies

Your words

Your follow up posts to your first one make your predicament much easier to understand. No you don't get to have your partner and decide to completely exclude his son.

That attitude is disgusting, as is blaming the child and his mum for the problems. Your ex isn't some hapless victim. He has chosen to bring a second child into the worst situation, you have to wonder why he would do something like that, it's purely selfish.

He now has two children to provide for. He needs to sort out housing where they can both come and stay with him, so he obviously can't be with you!

OH & his ex sound very immature. I feel very sorry for SS in the middle of it.

Leave him and make sure you protect your own DS from this sort of dysfunction and bad parenting in the future.

Without SS, OH and I are fine.

I don't believe an otherwise lovely bloke and brilliant partner only turns into a sponging selfish arsehole when a little boy turns up.

It's a cliche on her but he's shown you who he is. Learn from it. You may love the man but the empirical evidence suggests he's not capable of the kind of healthy partnership that you should be looking for in a co-parent.

Trust your instincts and call it a day. This pattern will repeat until you hate him.

It depends I think on how much you are resentful for him existing (the fact that he can run your bath and focus on you when his son is not there is telling) and how much you are protecting your family.

But dear god the child is 5 with parents who at best seem neglectful and a step mother who resents his very existence

He's argumentative, a bully, entitled, a thief, rude

He's a tiny child stuck in the care of two incompetent parents.

This is about your useless boyfriend, not his son. You need to end your romantic (and seemingly co-dependent) relationship with him, and concentrate on trying to co-parent your baby with as little drama as possible.

Given that social services are involved with his older son's mother, a decent father would be increasing his contact time, to provide more support and stability for his child, and to prove that he can take him full-time if it becomes necessary. So he should be working hard to pay for his own flat, with space for contact with both his children, rather than trying to work his way back in to cock-lodging with you.

I would say the SS is the product of his careless upbringing.

I would not want to be with a man - or bring up a child with a man - who would use a child as a pawn in two relationships. This is what your ex has done.

Whether the (poor) SS can be brought round or not is really beside the point. Most relationships are fine and dandy when it's just the 2 in the relationship and no real-life interference... not realistic though is it.

The best part of divorcing exh wasn't his multiple negative qualities /pure twatism but the fact his ex and dd were gone from my life forever!!
Walk away op, for you mh and for your baby. He isn't going to parent your child whatsoever. And he is most def not a partner to you. Or your best friend. The illusion of him may be great but the reality isn't.

If social services are involved what happens if they decide the mum isn't fit to care for her son and your oh gets custody?

Either way the man doesn't seem to think a job is necessary when creating children - I presume that means he pays no maintenance for either child?

You say your self esteem is fine but I actually don't believe you. I'm sure you believe it is but I can't imagine someone putting up with this shit unless they had issues themselves.

I'm not trying to be snotty or pompous either, I've made some pretty monumental fuck ups myself, but seriously - is he really the best you can do?

user1490008614 I am presuming the tone of your response is down to your contempt for the people on this site.
Might I suggest you head for the door if that is your opinion of the people you have asked for advice from. To spend their time reading your essay about the short comings of your SS and partner and his ex partner whilst painting a dripping portrait of your heroic behaviour under the most trying of circumstances.
In a short answer...it will not get better as past history has shown him to improve on the short term only to revert. This may be down to his MH problems etc. etc. so on to the horizon or because he is a dyed in the wool arsehole.
Up to you really.
No one can do it for you.

Like others I think that the problem is your OH. If his son direspects you then he should be dealing with it. Also the son is being used as a weapon against you. I couldn't have that. But the son isn't going to go away and I don't see how you can be in a relationship with someone and have nothing to do with their child...It just won't work.

You sound like an intelligent lady. I think you should think about what kind of life you want for you and your baby and go after that. Your baby can still see their dad and half brother. You don't need to be in any sort of relationship to facilitate that.

I don’t think you need to make any big decisions right now. Keep you ex at arms length - I wouldn’t let him stay overnight...you’re not a couple. Can you imagine that you’re just dating and start again? He will slip back into his old ways once your SS is involved again. The problem is...he is a package. If you can’t cope with his (ridiculous) behaviour when SS is around then you haven’t got a future. This will always rear it’s head. The life you have without SS isn’t a real one and will affect his relationship with SS. Is the guy really worth it? Just because you have a child together doesn’t mean you should make it work. You will always get the blames for anything going wrong with SS.

If you want it to work then take your time and see how it goes. Don’t change any living arrangements or let him worm his way back in.

When I have issues with DH's behaviour, even if it's towards/around other people, I need to have them addressed because they colour my judgement of his character. Your partner can't be perfect in your house and an entirely different person with someone else added to the mix. To be honest you've described behaviours which sound very immature on his part.

You need to face up to the fact that SS is and should always be part of your boyfriend's life. It is your boyfriend's responsibility to man up and behave like an adult at all times. This includes behaving like a father to your baby (i.e. prioritising the baby's sleep) even when SS is there, and explaining to SS that you are a blended family which you, OP, are a part of. It also includes getting SS to behave with basic respect towards you.

Most of my in-laws don't like me and I am pretty sure they would have preferred to bond with my DC and my DH without having to deal with me. In fact they repeatedly made suggestions along those lines. Guess what, they need to deal with the fact that their son/brother married me and I am part of his family. My DH stands with me on that one (and I would not tolerate it if he didn't). It doesn't mean we pretend to love each other but it does mean making an effort to be civil.

Yep get out now while you baby Is still to young to notice the treatment towards you.
I don't think it's the 5yo fault it's his farther fault for enabling this treatment towards you. But yes run for the hills, create boundaries and stick to them.

When I was pregnant, I made a real effort to try to blend families. I moved OH in and allowed him to have SS at mine every other weekend
The blending of the family was bound to fail from the start when your relationship was based on him moving into your house.

Blended family share a home and both contribute in their own way. You should have agreed that even the house remains under your name, the home was to become that of both of you and as such he should have been contributing towards the bills. Why would you have agreed to anything different? If it was because he was unemployed at the time, then you should have waited for him to be in employment.

The problem is that the child is never going to feel at home as part of the family when you make him feel like he is a visitor. Why did you have an issue with your OH and him cuddling on the sofa in front of a movie? What is something they were not supposed to do because they were in YOUR house?

It sounds like you have a very volatile and immature relationship with this man, so can't see how you could make it work, but if you were to really give it a go, then you'll need to get him to contribute and you to accept that your home becomes the family home (home, not house).