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Original poster

Gender disappointment - dh has both, I don't

150 replies

Disneymamma18 · 24/01/2018 16:42

I have been with DH for seven years, married for three. We have two boys and have just found out our third pregnancy is also going to be a boy, and I'm devastated.

I know it's silly and I should be happy to have a healthy baby, but I have always wanted a daughter. This will be our last child due to my health issues. I only have sisters and I'm quite girly and I worry I won't be able to connect with my boys when they are older

Dh has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship that he hasn't seen in 5 years due to her mother being very difficult and making access hard. Since I found out my third baby is another boy I feel resentful of DH. He had the opportunity to have a daughter with another woman and now I'm only ever going to have boys. His daughter was very close to her mum and we think the ex encouraged sd to behave badly when she used to visit us, even though we tried hard with her.

I know it's wrong but I've been looking up the ex on Facebook and its all pictures of her and sd doing mum and things together, trips out shopping, cake, horse riding etc. I feel so jealous that I'm never going to have that but that some other woman is with dh's daughter.

DH doesn't really talk about his daughter but now I can't help but think he secretly wishes she was still part of her life because now that's his only chance to be a dad to a girl.

It doesn't help that the ex and him were childhood sweethearts and when we first got together I used to feel he was comparing us.

Just want to get over these awful feelings so I can enjoy my pregnancy and my boys.

Has anyone else had to deal with this?

OP posts:
3Blues · 24/01/2018 17:17

Hello, first of all, congratulations!! My husband and I have three kids together, all boys and my two step son's are obviously boys too. Although with our latest child we would have wanted a girl, but now our little boy is 10 weeks and I am happy with all our boys together. I am very girlie, but I find our sons (8 & 7 yo) will do things like spoil me with nail painting sessions, make up and wanting quality mummy time. My eldest step son (21) is also amazing and has a wonderful girlfriend who I get all my "mummy daughter" girl time with. Be happy with what you have, you'll find with girls and mum's that their relationships can be tough and that daughters tend to be daddys girls. Let your sons grow up to dote on the only female in the house, be spoilt rotten by your boys and be thankful you won't have the tantrums of a teenage girl in your future!

As with all step children situations, you will always and inevitably feel inadequate in comparison to the woman that came before. Just remember, he's with you, he loves you and if he felt that you were inadequate or he wanted a daughter you would fight harder to get to the one he already has! Get excited, baby number three is always the easiest!

NorthernSpirit · 24/01/2018 18:18

Sorry, this is going to sound really harsh but you should be happy to have a healthy baby.

You are jealous of what you don’t have, rather than celebrating what you do have.

I have 2 good friends who have fertility problems and can’t have children and are devastated. Another friend with a Down syndrome child.

A healthy baby you should be happy for.

Goosegrass · 24/01/2018 18:21

You have a much bigger problem. You are married to a man who isn’t trying very hard to see his child. I’d be worrying about that tbh.

YearOfYouRemember · 24/01/2018 18:26

I feel sorry for all these men who procreate with women that turn out to stop access or make it hard. How about he stops being a dickhead and fight for the chance to let his dd have a second parent.

I'll never get over seeing my father's signature on a form to sign me over. Not for adoption by a loving couple but for the fucking council to be my parents.

He needs to man up.

Mother daughter time isn't like the fairy tales. I have two boys and a girl. I would have been delighted with three boys. I'm probably closer in some ways to my boys so you all get you're given and it's a different relationship to what you'd expect. Make peace with it a it isn't fair to your new son to think he's not good enough, just made because you wanted a girl. My mother gave me away because I was a girl. Just enjoy what you have.

Blackteadrinker77 · 24/01/2018 18:29

You feel resentment of the fact your husband has a daughter that he has no access to?

I wouldn't have had a child let alone three with someone who didn't fight to see his children.

I'd be worried if we split I'd be a single parent.

MarmaladeIsMyJam · 24/01/2018 18:32

Dh has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship that he hasn't seen in 5 years due to her mother being very difficult and making access hard

I could not be with a man who didn’t have anything to do with previous children.

Why didn’t he fight to have access to his daughter?

Notasperfectasallothermners · 24/01/2018 18:33

I have lots of both and honestly have lunches out with ds's , go clothes shopping! They give me foot rubs, head massages - more than any dd 's do!! Relationships differ from ds to ds just the same as dd to dd. Remember you get back what you put in!! Hours at the sideline at footy is tbh boring but investing in their hobbies pays back tenfold in your relationship with teen boys!!

JJPP123 · 24/01/2018 18:35

Focus on the positives, you'll soon have 3 lovely little boys. You're a lucky lady.

MarmaladeIsMyJam · 24/01/2018 18:36

Just re-read. So you were on the scene at the start and had access with your SD?

You honestly think his ex made a 5/6 yo behave badly when she was with you? WTF?

Bobajobs · 24/01/2018 18:38

God all these women who make it hard for men to see their kids hey...

EggsonHeads · 24/01/2018 18:41

Honestly, in your position I would count my blessings. I am the least masculine woman I know and will have very little common ground with my boys unless they are unusually effeminate but I would rather that over a girl. That's just how I feel. I can't change that. Likewise you can't change that you wanted a daughter. But I don't think that it is fair to resent your husband or anyone else for having one.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 24/01/2018 18:44

Has your H been to court to get access to his DD?

UnicornsandRainbows1 · 24/01/2018 18:44

I've tried to read this a few times but this part keeps jumping out

DH doesn't really talk about his daughter but now I can't help but think he secretly wishes she was still part of her life because now that's his only chance to be a dad to a girl.

I'm not sure if you've worded it badly or not, but maybe he wants to be part of her life because she's his child, not because it's his only chance to be a father to a daughter. I'm not sure why it's 'secretly' either...

By all means want a girl, but that's not what this baby is, nor would they 100% be girly even if they were. You could still end up not having anything in common with them.

Mrscog · 24/01/2018 18:45

Maybe you need to look at how you’re raising them? Are you making them overly boyish? My 6 yo DS loves cakes out, bath bombs from lush and all sorts of stuff as well as all the superheroes etc. Although I also make a real effort with his interest too - I love an 8 hour Lego marathon with him!

Original poster
Disneymamma18 · 24/01/2018 18:48

Thank you for the helpful comments. It's good to hear about close mother son relationships, all I seem to hear from people I know is stuff about how I'll not see them once they are older/married.

Yes I was on the scene at the start with SD, her mother had always been possessive of her and nothing we ever did for sd was ever good enough, but when our first son was born I was in and out of hospital a bit and DH wasn't always able to inform his ex when plans to see sd changed last minute due to my illness, ex wasn't understanding at all, and eventually changed her phone number so we couldn't contact her about access. Dh feels ex has brainwashed sd and there's no point chasing it through court as ex will just lie and be nasty.

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 24/01/2018 18:51

Yes I was on the scene at the start with SD, her mother had always been possessive of her and nothing we ever did for sd was ever good enough, but when our first son was born I was in and out of hospital a bit and DH wasn't always able to inform his ex when plans to see sd changed last minute due to my illness, ex wasn't understanding at all, and eventually changed her phone number so we couldn't contact her about access. Dh feels ex has brainwashed sd and there's no point chasing it through court as ex will just lie and be nasty.

All of what you just wrote is a load of shit.

If you take ill having your 3rd son will your husband be there for the other two? Or will he not be able to ring and sort anything out?

Original poster
Disneymamma18 · 24/01/2018 18:55

Well it's obviously a lot easier when the children are all living in the family home. Ex and sd live 30 miles away and the hospital I was in was 20 miles in the opposite direction and as we only had one car, it was very difficult at the time with having to get sd then travelling to hospital etc, was all a bit of a mess. Obviously with our boys now we can drop them at my parents who only live 5 minutes away but that wasn't an option with sd as she didn't live with us

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 24/01/2018 18:55

Sorry OP but it sounds like he didn't try very hard to see his DD.

But that is another issue I guess.

Battleax · 24/01/2018 18:56

I'm not sure if you've worded it badly or not, but maybe he wants to be part of her life because she's his child, not because it's his only chance to be a father to a daughter. I'm not sure why it's 'secretly' either...

This.

JuliannaBixby · 24/01/2018 18:57

Wow, the ex changing her phone number was enough to make your husband give up on seeing his daughter? If that's the full story he's a prick.

AmberTopaz · 24/01/2018 18:57

OP, gender disappointment is a real thing, I do get that it’s not as simple as just saying “be grateful he’s healthy”. I think you may be looking at it with rose tinted glasses though. I am really close to my two boys while my DD is a total Daddy’s girl and always has been!

It sounds like your DH wishing he was still part of his DD’s life is the least of your problems though. If he really wanted to be he would have fought harder.

Blackteadrinker77 · 24/01/2018 18:58

You are an apologetic for a dead beat Dad.

Good luck, you'll need it.

Charismam · 24/01/2018 18:58

I do sympathise because I felt disappointment at the sex of my second child as well.

I do think though, it is a very unusual mother who doesn't allow a half way reasonable father in to her child's life peripherally.

So I end up wondering, which is more likely, that the father was selfish and very forceful in his demands, or that the unreasonable mother wants 100% responsibility and no breaks and to deny her child an allegedly good father?

Original poster
Disneymamma18 · 24/01/2018 18:58

Well dh seeing his dd isn't really what I was asking, that's dh's issue really, my issue is feeling bitter that his ex has the girl as it were and I never will. And yes I know it's horrible, which is why I'm posting for advice as I don't want to feel this way either

OP posts:
Battleax · 24/01/2018 18:58

Yes, the stuff about the SD is odd. A parent doesn't neglect "to inform" the other parent that they're deadbeating in contact. You don't do that to a small child. That's not parenting and it's not coparenting.

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