Situation with ExH

[badgerread]

Always had a good co parenting relationship with ExH. Split 7.5 years ago. Quick online divorce in April 2012. Split equity etc. I’ve had a new DP for 5 years although we don’t live together.

ExH moved 130 miles away to be with his new DP and her 4DC in January 2016 and since then our relationship has completely gone to pot. He has reduced his maintenance to the CSA (ok, fair enough, but this wasn't what was agreed when we split) stopped contributing to school fees, stopped attending parents evenings, plays ets as, ‘she thinks he should make his own appointments’, doesn’t call our children, or show much interest, on his weekends doesn’t take our children to their activities or parties as she insists he takes them back to theirs.

It has got to the stage where we no longer speak and the atmosphere on the doorstep at collection /drop off is awful. When she is not around we are civil to each other and have a conversation. She insists on being at every collection and drop off, albeit in the car, so that he no can longer pop in for a coffee and catch up re the children. He has admitted she is jealous and insecure about me but there is no reason for her to be. It has got really nasty over email and text. I know he needs to stand up to her and grow a pair but I can’t help blaming her. She has caused this shift in our set up. It was fine before she stared throwing her weight around. He has blocked my mobile and will 'no longer answer emails', so how am I meant to make arrangements?!

My DP has 2DC with his ex and they co parent as we did previously and I have absolutely no problem with it, surely it’s about the children and their needs?

It makes me feel so down and upset for the children that it has come to this.

Coffee stopped a year ago. Parents evening, school events, his loss. DP takes his place.

I would never slate him in front of the children, never. Even though I'd love to 😂😂. I am the child of divorced parents and even at the age of 45 it still grates when DM bitches about DF and they split up 41 years ago!

I agree it's crap to commit to a party date and not do it. However, did you at all consider that he just want to be pleasing everyone, not knowing really how to adjust himself, and has spent many years doing more than he could?

He's not a bad Dad. Please don't think that. He's still seeing his kids regularly.

I'm really just urging you not to put him in the 'crap Dad' camp and his new partner as 'horrible'. Then you can't really put all the blame on him then for lack of contact, you are punishing him for moving on. He will feel your anger!

And the kids will too, even if you don't do it in front of them.

I would though, be very specific about maintenance and money, and keep communication to say every few weeks - and say clearly to him that the kids need this to be continued.

I totally agree with you, OP.

Thanks Sonic...

I don't think are actually a problem and can often be expected when a parent moves on (ex not coming in for a coffee and chat about the children at DO/PU, ex not taking children to their activities on his weekend with them, ex not attending school events with OP and not attending as many as he now lived 130 miles away)
I knew it is hard to consider it, but ex DO actually get upset when the ex 'moves' on, not because of how it affects her but how it affects her kids.

The above examples is in most likelihood going to upset the child. If a child does well at school, knowing that their parents are going to hear praise about them will make them feel good. When dad has been doing this for years and then suddenly decides that he has moved on, it is upsetting for the child and it is by proxi that the ex can be angry.

We all make choices about our lives for the benefit of our kids at the detriment of ourselves. I went through a phase when I was totally desperate to go back to my parents. My life would have soooooo much better, however, it would have been taking them away from their dad, the family they had always known, friends, etc.... and in the end, I made the decision to get on with the life that I didn't prefer for their benefit. It paid off because they have grown to know that I have always put them first and they have showed me their love and dedication in return.

I think too many separated dads want the best of both words, to be able to 'move on' from them by giving them just the minimum of their parental duties, yet still expect their kids to think they are a wonderful parents. It works for some years, until the child is old enough to understand, and they back off themselves. Of course, it's then easier to blame the ex for manipulating the children, when more often, it's the children realising that their dad put his needs before theirs.

I got upset when my ex suddenly started to show less care for our kids whilst he gave his new family all the attention he used to give them. It had nothing to do with me. I left him, I wanted to be away from him, I didn't want any form of attachment with it in any way (and when the kids were old enough that communication could go through them only, I was over the moon), but I did get angry for my kids who got left behind.

Kids are like us, they thrive on love, attention, and feeling that they are special.

swing hit the nail on the head again.
At no point has the OP said she is upset he has moved on.

It is the complete dropping of old life and new life takes priority, can not pick up from school, parent their children, buy presents, make phone calls, attend school events etc.
Mine went to her DCS Nativity play not his own DCs, because his new DP wanted them to show they were one new happy family ( his words not mine) Sorry the new family does not take priority over his responsibiity to hisown DCS.

OP some of us get it - you have moved on, he has moved on and changed to the detrimetn of his DCs and you can blame both of them!

Swing I agree and that is why I think it's really important (although hard for some) that ex's try to embrace new partners and include them a bit

I sometimes feel such a divide. I know a lot of people in here will say I'm wrong, but there's often an attitude of mum's (and understandably) that the first family (hate that expression) should be the priority and new partners etc should step back and know their place. But this only divides the two households further, and can cause issues between the new partners. I think if new partners were embraced and allowed to go to school events if enough tickets etc without that negative feeling, it would be much easier for all, and those children will feel loved and special by both parents and step parents. I think new partners should feel welcome if they are good with the kids, and it may soften the new partners wishes for how she wants things to be

Hope that makes sense . So hard to explain

I think it's understandable that new partners want to do things as a family though just . Obviously not at the detriment of the dc. A decent dad would do the same for his dc too, but it's the attitude that the ex cannot move on and be a family which bugs me. They are just as much a family too, and the original dc should be a part of that

Something I see on here a lot is 'playing happy families' and it's so insulting as new partners have just as much right to a family for their children too

Something I see on here a lot is 'playing happy families' and it's so insulting as new partners have just as much right to a family for their children too. I do think some compassion from Exwife and you OP to the new Wife goes a long, long way. Don't be so quick to blame.

They're not married,
And how about some compassion towards the DM from the new DP? That would be appreciated too...

twodots - no one is saying the new family can not do things as a family but all too often on hear you hear the members of the "new " family make it quite clear that they want t do things with our the DSCs - this failure to realise they are your "new family" and exlcude them is what annoys most parents.

That mainly fathers allow this divide to occur is unacceptable - their DCS have as much right to be aprt of the "new" family as the other members. Sadly in many cases they are the klingons who do get treated poorly and the resentment is palpable of their existence.

OP - would not have a problem with ne w partner if - herEX had not admitted she ahs a problem and is jealous, monies had not been cut, contact had not been cut, no communication and a sensible co parenting relationship ahs gone to pot.

Just tired contact has not been cut! That is the crucial crux of it.

Because the kids are spending their allotted time with their Dad at the new woman's house - so the kids are being the opposite of excluded, they are being welcomed into their family home. The kids are seeing their father just as much. And yet the OP is very angry and very venomous, almost exclusively to the apparently evil new woman who if her Ex only stood up to her, everything would be OK. There is no evidence at all the new woman is being anything other than setting up healthier boundaries and the realities of where they live.

I know he needs to stand up to her and grow a pair but I can’t help blaming her. She has caused this shift in our set up. It was fine before she stared throwing her weight around.

The money being reduce is her Ex DPs decision entirely. I would not be happy about that, however I would not be tackling this with Ex DPs new partner.

And who says it was a sensible parenting arrangement? My DP used to run around after his ExW in the name of 'coparenting' - taking the kids swimming to parties because his ExW couldn't be arsed! He felt so guilty even though he'd done nothing wrong, and a lot of ExWs play on that by getting the Ex to do a lot of extra stuff - the ones with a very 'loose' arrangement I find! So you can't just lay that on the new girlfriend either. It probably gave him the strength he needed.

Bananas - you are wrong. About my situation anyway.

He never 'ran around after me because I couldn't be arsed'. Regarding the party last weekend, don't say yes if you can't commit to it? We had a good co parenting relatiinship. That was it. I am not blaming her exclusively but she has had a lot to do with this shift. I am not very angry or venomous thank you and I'm not sure where you got that from. Frustrated yes. Very angry no.

It is his mainly his fault hence my 'grow a pair' comment.

I have never tackled her about anything. Yet he has told me they have a joint account which she controls and will not allow a school fees payment. Maybe he's lying and I need to ask her. Who knows.

Swing I agree and that is why I think it's really important (although hard for some) that ex's try to embrace new partners and include them a bit
Absolutely, but as you've stated yourself, many new partners do not want that and would rather have the Ex has far away from her life as possible, and as you've said, that's understandable, but it can't go both ways.

I could give many examples of the changes my ex made to his relationship with our children to appease her sense of insecurity. It was her who struggle to understand that what he did for the kids had nothing to do with keeping a link with me. This was the outcome of it because they were still so young, but it wasn't the intention at all, not from him, not from me, but that's all she focused on. She wanted him to have no contact at all with me any longer and that inevitably led to him becoming a different dad to the one he had been to our kids.

I know a lot of people in here will say I'm wrong, but there's often an attitude of mum's (and understandably) that the first family (hate that expression) should be the priority and new partners etc should step back and know their place

I really don't think this is it. I think it's about defending that it shouldn't be about priorities one way or the other. It's very similar in my views to going from one child to a second, where the first child has to adapt to a change of attention (which often comes with many tantrums, understandably as it is a difficult adjustment), but it doesn't mean they become less a priority as most parents will still make sure their first feels as loved as before and will try everything to make sure that they don't get less than before.

I guess I have a strong personal view that if you are not in a position to give more of the same (or close too), then you shouldn't expand your horizon. This is why many parents stop at a certain number of children even when they would love to have more, because they know that if they did so, their existing children would suffer.

You mention not making it difficult for the new partner to be involved in things like attending parents evenings etc... I think that this very much depends on the involvement the SM has taken into her SCs life. Being a parent is a balance between a lot of difficult and stressful shit, but then also the reward of affection, pride, love. I don't think you can demand one without being prepared to take on the other.

My view is that if a SM is prepared to act as parent, ie. take on some of the responsibilities, financially, time, tiredness , then yes, she should be entitled to be party to important aspects of their lives like parents' evening. However, if she makes a point that she shouldn't take on any of the above responsibilities because she's not the parent, then she can't expect to be party to activities that are as parental as it gets (hence why you don't normally see grand-parents, uncles etc... joining in unless they do act as parents themselves).

I do agree that some exes would have an issue with another person coming into their kids life as a parent because they feel that this is something that belongs to them and them only. I'll be totally honest that this was my biggest fear as I felt extremely maternal (from a parenting perspective) to my children, so would have hated that some woman (who happens to have a totally different background, principles, attitude to life etc... to me) feels she could act as a parent to my kids, but thankfully, she felt exactly the same and never crossed that line.

I knew it is hard to consider it, but ex DO actually get upset when the ex 'moves' on, not because of how it affects her but how it affects her kids.

The above examples is in most likelihood going to upset the child. If a child does well at school, knowing that their parents are going to hear praise about them will make them feel good. When dad has been doing this for years and then suddenly decides that he has moved on, it is upsetting for the child and it is by proxi that the ex can be angry.

I totally appreciate that mums get frustrated and upset on behalf of their children if the dads make choices that they feel may upset them. BUT I also think that most dads don't want to upset their kids either, and sometimes the decisions they make aren't necessarily selfish, but they're difficult and have to be based around the greater good in the long run as they tend to get less time with the kids.

For instance in this case, I'd think that it was far more important that the children get to go to their dad's house and be a part of the family there than it is they get to play football every Saturday or that they attend a birthday party. They still get to play every other time, and they will be at home for many other parties, but they don't have any other time to spend at home with their dad and their now-stepsiblings.

I am not condoning a dad stepping away from things like parents evening or school plays, and he should have sorted out that party and not RSVP'd yes if he didn't intend to go.

I do understand that the initial upset of the children can be really upsetting for their mum, I don't dispute that at all, but I also think that sometimes it's good to step back a bit and think of the long-term factors.

What you say is exactly what I did. I encouraged my children to go to their dad, never stopped it and went even beyond that to support their bond. Like the way you describe it, my ex assumed that as he was so massively happy with his new family, his children were bound to be too, that they would find being there with them much more rewarding them being taken to their activities.

It did to start with because they didn't think they really had any other choice and because they did want to feel part of his new family, but it reached a stage when they could just live their happiness though his own and being there was not enough to make them feel contented and the inevitable happened, DS made the decision, of his own, to stop going. It's now been 3 months and I can't describe how happier and more settled he has been since, like a huge weight has been lifted of his shoulder.

I find it very very sad, I don't think it is healthy, but I so understand how it got to that and yes, it IS 100% his dad's fault, but that he would never accept because he is too self-centered to see how he neglected his son.

're the activities though. .it is a massive deal to kids when they miss these things and missing every other week of matches at my kids' school would you mean you couldn't be in the team full stop. The OPs ex has the option to both see his kids and facilitate their lives by staying with his parents - at least maybe one w/e per month and he may not want that but that's where the best for the kids comes into it, not what's best for him. They can work at the blended family bit on school holidays which come round every six weeks so hardly a terrible gap. As for those saying he 'cant' keep up the payments because of new responsibilities well that's just crap. You don't take on new responsibilities if you cant do them as well as existing ones and personally I think that includes having new kids of their own also as well as step kids. Existing commitments come before New ones and if you can't stretch the fine then you don't do it.

they are not selfish but based around the greater good - therein lies the problem.

The SDCs are not part of the greater good the new family is. It is not an adult losing out - it is a child with no say in the decision making process.

Both parties are at fault the DF for acquiescing and the new DP for putting the DF in the position that he has to make a choice. Make me happy and my kids or make your kids happy - one you live with 7 days a week, the other is hidden brought out on performance days to pretend a sense of normality and when they are hidden again you can forget about the hurt you ahve inflicted.

Meanwhile RP gets left with the unhappy child who bottles it up, cries and is hurt - but hey ho the greater good has been served - Sorry wrong.

By the way - kids activities are kids activities that they want to do. Part of being a parent is partaking of them - so yes Dad can take them to football on a Saturday and freeze his nuts off on the touchline in his time aswell. That is part of parenting - not coming to his house because his new DP demands it and having unhappy child missing their activity.

I totally agree that as a parent you do so many things for your kids that you would most definitely rather not do and the travelling for hours on a Sunday morning freezing to death to support DS and a team that lost more often than won was certainly one of these. I work FT, so week-end hours are very very precious, yet that was 5 hours or so gone, hours not spent with my new partner (who could have moan about how I was neglecting him but thankfully never did because he understands that being a good parent is doing the above).

So I too have very little sympathy for the nrp who comes up with excuses as to why they can't do the same but then convinces himself (and tries to convince his kids and ex) that really, what suits him is what is best for the kids.

I feel like I'm repeating myself, but it's not so much when the kids are little that the consequence of it comes out but when they come to a certain of maturity to understand that in the end, their parents made decisions that suited themselves rather than them. Yet every single time we read a post her about a teenager who decides to stop contact, it is always, systematically, blame on the mum who somehow has alienated the child. As if a teenager can be so easily alienated!

So if any of you above posters found that your child preferred to live with their Dad, as teenagers, you'd be 100% responsible and neglectful? They may have decided because it's easier, because Dad was not living with a partner, because he gave them more freedom.

It's quite a leap to say that because a child is adjusting to one parent having a new partner, that this is neglect and they will stop seeing them I had a step child move in with us full time for all the wrong reasons.

It's not about residency, it's about cutting all contact with a parent, a parent they use to see every week-end.

Just to be clear, in my situation, it wasn't just about adjusting to dad living with another partner, it was about expecting him to make all the efforts to be happy in this new family environment whilst his dad wasn't prepared to make any efforts to recognise that he had a life outside of his family too, a life where much more happened than when he was with him. He was desperate for DS to integrate in his life, but refused to show any interest whatsoever in his.

An example which I think is the one that made me most angry. When DS was 11, he started to be involved in an activity that meant he occasionally participated in tournaments over the week-ends. He used to sign up when it was at a time he was with me and turn it down when it was with his dad as his dad wasn't interested in taking him to these events. Then one day, the event was in his dad's town, so he asked him if he could go and his dad said yes. Great.... except that his dad refused to take him. DS had to take a train and a bus from our home and then find the place on his own. His dad didn't bother to go and see him although he was home doing nothing but worse, when DS called him to ask if he could come to pick him up, he refused telling him that he would be losing his parking space and so told DS to take the bus, after 6pm in the winter... DS had no idea which bus to take and didn't have his jacket, and poor thing, ended up taking the bus in the wrong direction. He called me in tears and I had to guide him as to how to get back to his dad whilst he was freezing waiting for the bus.

At the time, DS didn't say anything about it, but it's things that like this that 3 years later makes him feel that his dad doesn't really care about him.

Flippin eck swing, why on earth did his dad do that? It's beyond comprehension

I know as SM, I'd be encouraging if not telling my DP to attend an event like that (he wouldn't need telling as he'd want to do it anyway)

I just can't understand someone having that attitude towards their child

I can assure you not all nrp and sm are like that

twodots we know that! The majority try their best.

a small minority do not and the fallout for the kids is horrendous and dealing with as the RP is so hard - when you have no control.

My Ex phoned and skyped our mutual DCS to speak to them and just dropped the bombshell I am in X we are having a great time. The look of instant hurt and tears as they tried to sound interested as he recounted the days events to them - is something I will never forget. The tears after wards were from all of us - I could not do anything about it, could not explain it and it was devastating. He apparently oculd not afford to take all the DCs n holiday - her two were not his.

This is what RPs get narked about- not that EX has moved on, but that they move on and the door shuts, life changes and 2 young kids get left behind and they did. To ay this is for the greater good is ignorant, arrogant and completely selfish -but hey the new family never get to see the destruction they cause because the DCS put on an act as they crave the littel attention of their nrp - truly pathetic and usually absed aorund some insecurity in an adult.