Situation with ExH

[badgerread]

Always had a good co parenting relationship with ExH. Split 7.5 years ago. Quick online divorce in April 2012. Split equity etc. I’ve had a new DP for 5 years although we don’t live together.

ExH moved 130 miles away to be with his new DP and her 4DC in January 2016 and since then our relationship has completely gone to pot. He has reduced his maintenance to the CSA (ok, fair enough, but this wasn't what was agreed when we split) stopped contributing to school fees, stopped attending parents evenings, plays ets as, ‘she thinks he should make his own appointments’, doesn’t call our children, or show much interest, on his weekends doesn’t take our children to their activities or parties as she insists he takes them back to theirs.

It has got to the stage where we no longer speak and the atmosphere on the doorstep at collection /drop off is awful. When she is not around we are civil to each other and have a conversation. She insists on being at every collection and drop off, albeit in the car, so that he no can longer pop in for a coffee and catch up re the children. He has admitted she is jealous and insecure about me but there is no reason for her to be. It has got really nasty over email and text. I know he needs to stand up to her and grow a pair but I can’t help blaming her. She has caused this shift in our set up. It was fine before she stared throwing her weight around. He has blocked my mobile and will 'no longer answer emails', so how am I meant to make arrangements?!

My DP has 2DC with his ex and they co parent as we did previously and I have absolutely no problem with it, surely it’s about the children and their needs?

It makes me feel so down and upset for the children that it has come to this.

I wonder if he thinks as he's paying maintenance then it should cover it. I'm not agreeing with it but I know that thought process is out there

Of OP is right in the way she's assessed the situation I very much doubt there will be any negotiation possible.

I experienced it myself although to a lesser degree but my ex also totally changes after he got with his partner and having known him a lot longer than her at this point I knew that some of those changes were driven by her and he went along with it not because he agreed but because he was in love and didn't want to lose her. When they broke up for a few months he actually wanted to tell me about it but I wasn't interested I'd moved on but it did impact on my kids and especially our boy who was only 18 months old when we separated and 3 when she came into his life never really bonded with him because he made her and her kids his priority and he has now decided he didn't want any contact with him.

I personally find it very sad that a father could prioritise the needs of children of other parents before his own I.e. stop paying for their school because he has to support the other children who should be supported by their own parents.

Wnosaurus - if my ExH carried on contributing to OUR eldest sons education (that WE decided on) then yes I could probably afford to send our youngest as well, but he unilaterally decided not to contribute anymore with absolutely no communication. He has decided not to respond to emails or texts regarding the children anymore. I have been with my DP for 5 years and do not make ridiculous demands on him, if he wants to discuss his DC's welfare with his ExW why would I not want him to? it stinks of jealousy and insecurity for this not to be, 'allowed'.

Some extra curricular activities such as football are on weekends, that's just how it is, why should they now miss out becaase he can't be bothered to take them and give up a morning of his time twice a month? they are passionate about their sport, he knows that and it's not fair they should miss it. Her children never miss their weekend activities so why should ours?

I think it is necessary to be friendly in front of the children, Absolutely. There is nothing worse than an atmosphere on the doorstep. Fine, don't pop in for a coffee but don't just grunt on the doorstep while pushing the children in the front door. THAT isn't necessary, especially as it's the complete opposite to how it was before he met her.

I didn't say I dictate when he can have the children or not, nor whether she is the car or not, what I did say is that he is totally different when she is around.which is ridiculous and confusing for the children.

Yes he is paying maintenance but has also stopped paying what he agreed to and is expecting me to pick up the pieces which isn't right. He signed the joint consent form for our son to go to this amazing school, was contributing up until December then decided to just stop!

I don't understand him ignoring you about the children at all. How will he respond to you if at all?

TwoDots - he did try and use that line, that the 'fees can be paid out of the maintenance'.

Swing - your last paragraph is exactly how I feel...

TwoDots - Telepathy? Crystal ball? :) I had to start copying in his parents in my emails to prompt a response...his exact words were, 'I am not repsonding to emails or texts'. Fine. I will make all decisions regarding the children myself.

What would he rather do? Speak on the phone? Or just at drop off?

I've no idea! He doesn't tell me. He usually texts every other Thursday to tell me what.time he's collecting. He doesn't call the children between weekends.

So he is out of the picture in terms of finance and co-operation. I think you need advice from those who have been through this. Strikes me some kind of legal recourse/mediation is needed. Is that possible.

He cant parent entirely separately to you. Presumably the kids are going to notice all this eventually.

Id try and get him back round a table to reinstate the school fee top up. The weekend activities id let be led by the dc. Would thry nit rather see their dad than play footie?

Thanks Zen.

They would rather him take them in the first instance or if he can't for him to collect them afterwards.

I do think it's possible to parent separately and your kids will pick up your fustration. So for their sakes I'd try not to pass this on to them. This is their reality, don't make them feel it's wrong, he still sees them regularly and they do continue to have a relationship, just not in the way you'd like.

If there are issues about money could you not email or phone, suggest mediation or if you feel you have a case, court.

It is nit necessary to be friends in front of the children. It is necessary to be polite and calm. Big difference.

I'm not saying what you're saying isn't true, but it is your perspective.
You keep saying she's jealous etc but in almost every post you blame her - she is not the parent here HE is. You admit yourself that it got nasty in texts and emails and you're wondering why he won't speak to you? Maybe he doesn't want the drama either. You can't simply blame his partner because things have changed, he is their dad it's down to him and you consistently say "She insists, she's makes them" etc. I'm sorry but you sound like the jealous one here. You have a partner too but you don't live together, living with a partner is a much bigger commitment and he's made that with her. I wouldn't want my partner to move out EOW to appease his ex when the kids are happy to come to our home... do you see how unreasonable that sounds?
If the weekend sports on non-negotiable then I would inform him that he can collect them from that activity when it's finished and return the kids late Sunday night and that'll be his access time - although no court will back you up with this unfortunately. They will see their access with their dad as a priority over their hobbies or he could even push for EW access if it's been reduced to one night a week so I'd tread carefully there as I know I wouldn't want my children gone every weekend. The parties unfortunately they'll just have to miss on dad's weekends, it's crap but this is the reality of a split family sometimes.
The school fees situation is out of order, he should have at least given you notice he would be stopping it unless his finances dramatically changed (lost his job/ got into debt) but then he should have communicated this to you. Again though, he has no legal obligation to pay (moral yes, legal no) and you can't force him to. You may need to decide whether it may be better to move schools now before the GCSE prep begins

Winosaurus - I am NOT jealous. Let's get that straight for starters. I haven't blamed her the whole time but since they have been together the whole co parenting has gone to pot and yes a lot of it has been to do with her. He has admitted that to me. Why should I remove our son from a school where he is happy and settled and to be honest, is cheap compared to most private schools, because he has decided not to pay the extra £140 a month? I will carry on paying as I don't want our son to leave. He can afford it, he is just choosing not to.

Friendly? Let me word it another way then. Civil.

My main priorities are communication and financial support for the children. End of.

He would not want them EW either. That is the least of my concerns. It would cost him FAR too much in petrol and they would not want to go that often. 6hrs in the car each weekend??

In almost every post you've blamed her when it's him who's choosing to be that way, nobody is forcing him he could do what he likes.
Well your options are at this point he only has them one night EOW or you kids do after school activities instead. You can't expect him to move out of his home EOW? So I suggest you and the kids choose which it will be then inform him via your eldest (I'm assuming he has a phone?)
You say you ExH can afford it but you don't know that for sure because he's not communicating with you. Your children are being financially supported as he's paying maintenance... it's not what he originally agreed to which is unfair but legally he is doing his bit.
I only suggested moving your son because it's going to be a massive expense on your own to send 2 children to private school and if you're already burdened paying for one without his help then 2 will be really hard

Thanks Hester..

Do you know what? My partners ex would be saying awful things about me too as things have changed for her since I came along. I admit to asking for healthy boundaries and I'd say their DD is far more considered and cared for now. She would say differently however as everything isn't her way

It's not always the new partners fault

TwoDots that is the point I was trying to make. I'm in both situations where I am the mother whose child goes off to ExH and NW and also the new partner of a man with children.
DP before he met me would have the kids at the drop of a hat at Ex's request as he rarely had evening or weekend plans but since we've been together it's not always possible as we may have planned a weekend away or a date night. According to his ex I've changed him as we don't always say yes to having the kids last minute when she wants to do something

Exactly the same here dinosaurs

Yet I'm evil as is my DP for wanting our own lives and not always being at hand to support her extravagant social life

Christ were we married to the same bloke. Que when he's rude to his kids. Poor you

It's very difficult as there's always 2 sides.

It may be that with new housing costs (guessing that may be quite a lot as his girlfriend's 4 kids have to be housed with them) plus the increased petrol money EOW he genuinely can't afford to pay the extra school fees. However, if that's the case he should definitely be bothering to speak to OP to explain.

TwoDots I agree with you about the boundaries.

You're doing yourself no favours by blaming her.

She met a man and decided to enter a relationship. She has certain boundaries/standards that she wants in place.

If they are detrimental to his children, it is 100% on him to walk away and prioritise his children.

He's not obliged to be in a relationship with her.

His choices are his alone and the buck stops with him. He's not a victim of circumstances, he's making a choice.

Also I don't think it's fair to suggest he's prioritising her children, do you know that for sure?
You see a lot of comments on this board insisting that dads put their partners kids first and you've even said that her kids don't miss their activities... well I'm assuming she takes them like you do with yours?
I think the new partner (SMS in particular) get the blame for many things that are nothing to do with them.
In all likelihood he isn't financially supporting his SCs as they were there before he met his DP and I'm assuming they weren't homeless or starving then 🙄
Prioritising her kids would be him paying for their private education and not his own kids which he isn't.
He's a shit for just stopping with no explanation but it's an unfair assumption that it's her pulling his strings.

For example my DP used to buy all of his eldest daughter's clothes and his Ex bought for the youngest until he realised Ex was doing it this way because she's twigged on to the fact that the teenager's clothes are a lot more expensive than the youngest's. DP put a stop to it this year and said instead they'd agree an amount and go 50/50 on it all instead... funnily enough the Ex blamed me and said "you can afford weekends away with her but won't buy DD the trainers she wants".
We had one weekend away in 2 years - not even abroad and it was 5 months before so I don't see how it's relevant.
But you speak to her, her mum and her friends then all the nice things my DCs have that her's don't are due to me taking money away from his DCs... not that I have a good job and pay for my own DCs, oh no that's incomprehensible