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Original poster

Situation with ExH

177 replies

badgerread · 11/09/2017 10:30

Always had a good co parenting relationship with ExH. Split 7.5 years ago. Quick online divorce in April 2012. Split equity etc. I’ve had a new DP for 5 years although we don’t live together.

ExH moved 130 miles away to be with his new DP and her 4DC in January 2016 and since then our relationship has completely gone to pot. He has reduced his maintenance to the CSA (ok, fair enough, but this wasn't what was agreed when we split) stopped contributing to school fees, stopped attending parents evenings, plays ets as, ‘she thinks he should make his own appointments’, doesn’t call our children, or show much interest, on his weekends doesn’t take our children to their activities or parties as she insists he takes them back to theirs.

It has got to the stage where we no longer speak and the atmosphere on the doorstep at collection /drop off is awful. When she is not around we are civil to each other and have a conversation. She insists on being at every collection and drop off, albeit in the car, so that he no can longer pop in for a coffee and catch up re the children. He has admitted she is jealous and insecure about me but there is no reason for her to be. It has got really nasty over email and text. I know he needs to stand up to her and grow a pair but I can’t help blaming her. She has caused this shift in our set up. It was fine before she stared throwing her weight around. He has blocked my mobile and will 'no longer answer emails', so how am I meant to make arrangements?!

My DP has 2DC with his ex and they co parent as we did previously and I have absolutely no problem with it, surely it’s about the children and their needs?

It makes me feel so down and upset for the children that it has come to this.

OP posts:
Original poster
badgerread · 11/09/2017 13:50

Why should our son's education suffer because his 'additional responsibilities' take a higher priority than his own children?

OP posts:
Original poster
badgerread · 11/09/2017 13:57

Thanks *gingergenius. It's rubbish isn"t x

OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/09/2017 14:02

Hideous situation! How old are your DC? I guess you may have to move them out of private school at some point.

RandomMess · 11/09/2017 14:03

Have you spoken to the school about applying for a means tested bursary for them?

TwoDots · 11/09/2017 14:06

His reasons make no sense!

Original poster
badgerread · 11/09/2017 14:07

13 & 8. The 13 yo is in private on a fantastic bursary so it is just about affordable. I can do it but feel he should help out? It's his son's education and sure as his DF it's his duty? He unilaterally decided to just stop. There's nothing I can do to force him to pay, I get that. His words when I said we may have to consider pulling him out as I can't do it on my own were, 'No we won't, you'll pay'..

OP posts:
thatdearoctopus · 11/09/2017 14:14

How absolutely maddening!

weatherbomb · 11/09/2017 14:22

it seems that many men who move on with a new partner with children appear to put these 'new' children's needs above that of their own kids. So sad for the children affected, but shows how weak these men are. They miss out on their own kids but a child doesn't understand that. So sorry you're going through this.

Bibidy · 11/09/2017 14:26

Wow badgerread, that's totally out of order. Can he not offer you part of it at least?? He's very lucky that you're able to provide for your son so well, since he's unwilling to help.

I think re the comment about his 'additional responsibilities' it depends what they are...eg if it's his own housing costs then it may be unavoidable that he has less money to spare, but if it's other things that are optional then they shouldn't absolutely not be at the expense of his son's school fees.

Original poster
badgerread · 11/09/2017 14:32

Even if he were to say, 'Look I can no longer afford the amount I was previously paying but how about £xxx?' then absolutely fair enough, but he won't communicate with me....

OP posts:
Bibidy · 11/09/2017 14:35

Yeah exactly, surely he can't have gone from being able to afford the full amount to being able to pay exactly zero!

lunar1 · 11/09/2017 14:46

How on earth can someone else's children suddenly become more of a priority than the commitment he has made to his own child! If you couldn't pay, then not only will your child lose his dad most of the time but also his friendships and stability at school.

twattymctwatterson · 11/09/2017 15:00

He's a cunt but there's nothing you can do about it. I'd just stop trying to communicate with him and tell yourself that you are being a good parent but he isn't

swingofthings · 11/09/2017 16:34

As hard as it is you need to accept he's moved on and has a new life
I don't agree with this at all and I think that's why things go very wrong, because the new partner confuses moving on from the ex with moving on from his children. Unfortunately, by putting pressure on him to ensure the first happens, often as a result of insecurity, the second happens too.

It's quite funny (in a not funny way) as we read posts from new partner about the hold the ex has on their partner and how they need to learn to stand up to them, and then posts like this one about how they should be standing up to the new partner!

These men are really puppets aren't they?

MadMags · 11/09/2017 16:40

I don't think other responsibilities should be a priority but I'm wondering if his circumstances have changed so that he can't afford it.

And he wouldn't tell you because he doesn't talk to you anymore for some bizarre reason!

Private school is unfortunately a luxury and not a necessity.

TwoDots · 11/09/2017 16:42

Please forgive me for asking, but do you receive good maintenance, even though it's reduced? Do you think you both pay your fair share or is it not balanced?

It's easy to blame the new partner, and I've no doubt she has a lot to do with it. It may be she's pointed things out to him, things that are not fair and in turn affect their family unit now

Many men will start with over the top intentions, out of guilt, obligation, and as you as the main woman in their life. But if it's not sustainable, or circumstances change, then they have to be given a bit of freedom

TwoDots · 11/09/2017 16:43

Swing, I don't think men should stand up to a new partner. I think they need to compromise with a new partner. The new partner has priority over an ex in my opinion

TwoDots · 11/09/2017 16:46

Not directing it at you swing, just leading on from your comment which has a valid point about the mentality if the forum

Original poster
badgerread · 11/09/2017 16:56

I receive £387 per month for 2 x DC. School fees are £293 per month. He was paying half of this (£146) on top of the maintenance. I pay all 'extras' for school, music lessons, uniform, school trips etc. He stopped this extra payment in December.

OP posts:
TwoDots · 11/09/2017 17:03

Gosh he has left you a bit stuck there hasn't he?

sweetbitter · 11/09/2017 17:11

This sounds very tough and unfair. Unfortunately I don't think there's much you can do about it - it sounds very unlikely he will listen to any attempts to re open lines of communication or discuss things like school fees. It's a shame, and I think it's likely to get worse as you mention your teen is wanting to spend more weekend time with his friends and not go rigidly to his dad's every time and you're going to want to advocate for him.

I think you can only remain perfectly civil and reasonable, take care not to be agressive or overly friendly because either of these will play into the hands of the jealous new partner. If you kill them with civility you might be able to keep the few lines of communication there are left open.

TwoDots · 11/09/2017 17:23

I think he's been an arse about the school fees, although there might be more to it. As others have said it's unfair but not much you can do

Civil and separate is the way forward now. As long as your kids are happy then leave him to it. If your ex is in a new and happy home, your kids will benefit from it. Try to see it that way

I understand it's been incredibly hard for you but this is often how things go

Janeismymiddlename · 11/09/2017 17:26

Private school is unfortunately a luxury and not a necessity

Absolutely. And it is also a commitment you make to a child when you decide to privately educate. Shit happens - job loss, disability, illness. But to just refuse to pay out of hand without any discussion is irresponsible in the extreme. If he is struggling, why not just come out with that and discuss sensibly with his ex? And then make a joint decision about education moving forwards?

OP - it is a long time since I divorced but at that time it was certainly possible to get a court order for the pay,net of school fees. I would get a free half hour with a specialist solicitor to discuss - nothing to lose in that respect. The issue is the new partner has kicked off along the lines of 'why should she....' and he's gone along with it. However, you don't get to opt out of paying for your children because you made a decision to shack up with someone else with children if there are no other changes to your income.

Winosaurus · 11/09/2017 19:14

Are you planning to send your youngest to private school? Or to a state school? Perhaps he's thinking he's not willing to give you maintenance AND 2 x school fee top ups?
My daughter was in private school for 3 years but I had to pull her out of when her brother was born as I know categorically I cannot afford to send 2 kids there and I don't think it's fair to not give them the same opportunities.
My daughter has therefore missed out because of another child... perhaps that's your Ex'a rationale too?
Expecting him to stay at his parents EOW is ridiculous, that's not his home and he wants his kids with him in his home which is more than reasonable. Also he will want to have the whole of his family together which again is totally reasonable considering you said the kids are ok with this.
My son has EOW access with his dad and therefore any extra curricular activities he does are after school, it's just not logistically possible to have weekend activities when the other parent lives far away.

Also it's nice you two were friendly but it's not necessary and if it makes his DP uncomfortable that he was popping in for cups of tea then it's good he's being respectful of that. Like a PP mentioned his DP is his priority not you, and his kids obviously but you've said they're happy enough so that shouldn't be an issue.
I wouldn't particularly want my DP hanging around in his ex's house, nor would I want my ExH coming in for a chat and a brew... and we get along fine!

When new relationships come along things inevitably change, as will boundaries. It's not your place to say where he can have the kids, if she can be in the car at pick-ups or if he no longer wants to have a very friendly intimate relationship with you.

As a PP has mentioned, it's shit and all new to you but if he's paying maintenance and seeing them regularly then you'll just have to back off (as annoying as that is).

Couldn't your 13yr old communicate any school / important news to his dad himself? My DP mostly has contact with his 12yr old as she has her own phone and very rarely speaks to his ExP, even though they are on civil terms

timeisnotaline · 11/09/2017 19:26

I'd ask a solicitor about the school fees given it was an arrangement you had. I'd be distantly civil to him and absolutely no more, I would also happily cut him off any school mailing lists etc if he isn't paying! Appreciate that's petty but if confronted I'd say but you said you wanted to do it all yourself.

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