Situation with ExH

[badgerread]

Always had a good co parenting relationship with ExH. Split 7.5 years ago. Quick online divorce in April 2012. Split equity etc. I’ve had a new DP for 5 years although we don’t live together.

ExH moved 130 miles away to be with his new DP and her 4DC in January 2016 and since then our relationship has completely gone to pot. He has reduced his maintenance to the CSA (ok, fair enough, but this wasn't what was agreed when we split) stopped contributing to school fees, stopped attending parents evenings, plays ets as, ‘she thinks he should make his own appointments’, doesn’t call our children, or show much interest, on his weekends doesn’t take our children to their activities or parties as she insists he takes them back to theirs.

It has got to the stage where we no longer speak and the atmosphere on the doorstep at collection /drop off is awful. When she is not around we are civil to each other and have a conversation. She insists on being at every collection and drop off, albeit in the car, so that he no can longer pop in for a coffee and catch up re the children. He has admitted she is jealous and insecure about me but there is no reason for her to be. It has got really nasty over email and text. I know he needs to stand up to her and grow a pair but I can’t help blaming her. She has caused this shift in our set up. It was fine before she stared throwing her weight around. He has blocked my mobile and will 'no longer answer emails', so how am I meant to make arrangements?!

My DP has 2DC with his ex and they co parent as we did previously and I have absolutely no problem with it, surely it’s about the children and their needs?

It makes me feel so down and upset for the children that it has come to this.

Sorry TwoDots. Rubbish week here too 😔

Sorry TwoDots. Rubbish week here too 😔

As hard as it is you need to accept he's moved on and has a new life. He's not ignoring the children, still has a relationship with them etc and sticking to arrangements. It is YOU he is detaching from and putting his new relationship as priority. I know it must hurt, but as long as he's still maintaining his responsibilities to his children then there's no concern if he doesn't pop in for a chat and coffee at pick up

I think expecting him to stay at his parents EOW is a little unfair
^
This 100% and if she has 4 dc he may well now be financially responsible for them too if for example she has had benefits stopped by him being there. Depending on his relationship with them perhaps they are important to him not just as his dp kids, he is likely having to spend a fair bit of time with them and he's clearly happy with it. He wants his kids in his own home not at his parents that's fair enough. I understand it's hard for your kids when they've been used to you coparenting but that arrangement often breaks down in time IMO often due to new relationships starting or moving. It's just a sad fact of break ups and a reason to remain together if it's possible. He obviously sees her and his kids and step kids as his family now and I do understand him wanting to maintain the relationship with his children but not with you.

It seems he has def changed due to being in a relationship, but that's his fault not hers.
I don't see how she is in the wrong. But he is being very unreasonable.

TwoDots, I agree that it is hard to comment because we all think of our personal experiences and these are often the two extremes, so in both cases, there are good reasons to be frustrated with the ex and his partner/partner's ex.

This 100% and if she has 4 dc he may well now be financially responsible for them too if for example she has had benefits stopped by him being there
However, it's when I read things like this that I feel like screaming because that is exactly what I think is wrong. A new partner should not have to take the financial responsibility of the new children at the detriment of his own children just because their own parents can't support them themselves.

I was a single mum and worked FT when I was single to support my kids. When I got with my OH, we could easily have afforded me to go PT and life would be wonderful if I could, however, that would mean relying on my OH to support them to a large extent, and even though in our case, it wouldn't be at the detriment of other children as he doesn't have any, it would be at his detriment. My children remain MY responsibility and since their father doesn't pay a penny, it is my sole responsibility by default. My OH helps of course, but I would feel hugely guilty to have it better and expect him to support them for that benefit.

I really cannot understand any mother who finds it totally acceptable that their new partner should support her kids by cutting down the support he provides his own kids, especially if that means that she doesn't work or work PT (I feel more understanding if they work FT themselves but then there is less a need to rely on the support of their partner).

Totally agree with your comment above Swing.

I can't understand how someone could be financially less responsible for their own children purely because they live with someone else's.

I can understand it more where the parent has a new child of their own with a new partner because at least they have parental responsibility for the new baby as well as the existing children, but someone else's children?? Doesn't make any sense to me.

Bibidy, I'm only asking this out of curiosity. What if the man was to take his new partners children on as his own, e.g. Adoption, they call him dad etc?

Interesting question TwoDots!

I'm actually not sure, I suppose there are so many different variations and complexities in this kind of situation, it's hard to say right or wrong.

In an ideal world, the man wouldn't change what he was paying for his existing children purely in order to financially support the new family. Hopefully there would be other ways apart from providing money in which he could step up, like maybe changing his working pattern or looking after the children at times so their mum could work more hours, thereby benefiting the household while not affecting what he pays to his 'first' children?

It's a tough one though as sometimes other things come into play, like if the RP has a new partner and is living very comfortably while the NRP's household is struggling as their new DP doesn't get any maintenance for their children etc etc

Food for thought ay!

Bibidy, I'm only asking this out of curiosity. What if the man was to take his new partners children on as his own, e.g. Adoption, they call him dad etc?
My view is that he shouldn't do that if again, doing so means a detriment to the well being of the children he already has. It is possible to adopt a SC without the first feeling push away as a result, my dad adopted my SS but I always felt that he made many efforts to be sure that I was still treated exactly how I was before. He didn't reduce child maintenance, actually, when his salary went up, he increased it. It's not him who moved, it's my mum, and yet my dad travelled for hours to pick me up every other week-end, and I will never forget the time I was 9 (so a year after he married and adopted my sister) and he drove 5 hours to come and see an art exhibition of works that my class had done. I was almost 40 years ago, but I still remember how immensely happy and proud I felt that day. I remember wanting to introduce my dad to everyone, show him everything. I'm sure he felt it and that it all worth it for him to go through all these efforts (and I expect a lie to my SS as to where he was).

I always was and always remain close to my dad because he didn't change at all towards me when he adopted my sister. However, I have seen fathers more or less replacing their own children for the children of their new partner because it's easier. It's almost as if it doesn't matter who the children are, what matters is what he gets out of it. They get on with their duties so not to be criticised and not feeling too guilty, but emotionally, they are not committed or attached as they were before and that's how it feels for OP's children.

Don't take on other children, whether as a SP or through adoption if you cannot continue to provide the same love, attention and commitment to the children you already have.

ExH moved 130 miles away to be with his new DP and her 4DC in January 2016 and since then our relationship has completely gone to pot. It's just that it is the ExHs relationship that she has outlined as her main concern.

NOT the one with his kids.

Money going down I do agree is rubbish though, he should be keeping up the same amount. However, the rest, the wanting to have the kids at his house, that is a totally separate matter and is about the OPs sadness at their relationship finally separating. It often does take a new partner to do this, but it's not the new partners fault at all. Let go of that OP, at least you now have a clearer space for a new partner to come into your life. Who I guess wouldn't be that happy about your ExH staying or lots of communication.

Bananas - I do have a partner? of 5 years?

I got over any sort of sadness when we separated 7.5 years ago.

My partner is fine with communication to do with the DC, he actively encourages it, as I do with his DC and ex. It does have a lot to do with his new DP I'm afraid. Even he has admitted that.

Fair enough badge - I just got the sense that most of your fustration was about your relationship with your Ex being distanced, rather than the kids. Maybe I'm wrong.

It was working and something changed it.

The catalyst was the his new DP who he admits has issues - that he is allowing that to affect his relationship with his children is piss poor.

i am struggling to understand this need to defend the new DP who has influenced this changes and not for the better. A non confrontational co parenting arrangement has become confrontational because of the new DPs insecurities - as admitted by the EX. i would be pissed off with both of them.

i am struggling to understand this need to defend the new DP who has influenced this changes and not for the better. A non confrontational co parenting arrangement has become confrontational because of the new DPs insecurities - as admitted by the EX.

The reason why I'm questioning the original viewpoint is because there are legitimate concerns and grievances being bundled in with some that are less so, and all are being blamed on the new DP.

A lot of the original points made I don't think are actually a problem and can often be expected when a parent moves on (ex not coming in for a coffee and chat about the children at DO/PU, ex not taking children to their activities on his weekend with them, ex not attending school events with OP and not attending as many as he now lived 130 miles away). Some things, like no longer paying school fees, should have been discussed before a decision was made, and that's a genuine concern

I just have a real problem with it all being placed at the feet of the new partner. I'm sure she does have her demands, and she probably does want him to cut down contact with OP, but she's not responsible for paying maintenance of school fees, the ex is, and he either agrees with the decisions he's made or he doesn't, in which case he shouldn't have made them.

I just think it's totally cowardly and pathetic of him to blame his new partner for this, and especially bad to express that to his ex. And I also think he's probably not even telling the truth to OP, he's letting himself off the hook by heaping the blame onto his DP, so all of OP's anger is deflected away from him and onto her.

It's so hard for new partners to step into a relationship where her DP and his ex are still close . I don't think anyone can deny that

A breakdown in a relationship comes from two sides. Yes the ex may have detached himself but it's how you handle that which shapes the way forward

There was a commenter on this board once (not this thread) who said if her ex got into a new relationship, she's completely understand and respect that the relationship between them would change. Everyone applauded her for this view as she's allowing him space to move on completely and not use the children to keep him close

I admit my DP is trying to detach himself from his ex a bit, certainly not his DD. It's inevitable in most cases that relationships change when there is a new partner. Now unfortunately my DP and his ex argue more now which is shitty for everyone. But the arguments come from her effectively stamping her feet that my DP is not available whenever she wants. She planned to take her DD on holiday for 10 days in the summer so during this time me and my DP planned a trip away. His ex has basically lost her shit over this, and is angry he's gone away and not used his lieu time to support her more (they do 50/50 52 weeks of the year including holidays). If she was doing more it would be justified, but she simply can't and won't accept he has a life now outside of her and their DD

If she was accepting and considerate like the commenter on this board, things would be very very different

If your DP is covering his 50% all year roundwhy has she lost her shit over you going away during her holiday with DD? That's odd.

Because she had a fallout with her DP meaning he went on holiday with his DS and my DP ex stayed at home. She was annoyed my DP wasn't around as her plans had changed. She also feels that as my DP has a bit more holiday than her (she's in new job) and because he worked extra to accumulate lieu time, this should have been used to support her who had to work from home.

She's lucky she can work from home. My DS had to go into holiday camps

She can't fathom that my DP has a life if his own. When she found out about my existence she lost it too, we won't even go into how she reacted when I met her DD (7 months into relationship)

Sorry for hijacking again but if she could accept DP has not reduced his contact time, is still a very hands on Dad and works his life around the arrangement they have yet is able to appreciate he is allowed his own life too. We'd have much fewer problems then

Her way of dealing with it now is contacting him every single day about something. It's like she has to remind him she's still there too. It's exhausting for us

I'm honestly a really fair and considerate person. Finding it hard

You see I don't do things like that so I can understand why you're fed up.

All I want is that my ExH continues to pay as he has done towards the school fees (I'm not even asking for 50%). To communicate with me when i email about holiday dates. Collection times. Drop off times. Concerns I have over either DC. Basic parental communication. He 'forgot' about a party he was meant to take DS to Sunday (and he had agreed to it) so I had the Mum onto me asking where he was which is embarrassing for me and not fair for DS. He then turns up 40 minutes late for drop off.

He can go on all the holidays he wants, do what he wants, spend what he wants, live with who he wants, lives where he wants, I honestly don't give a monkeys as long as the children are happy and treated fairly and he is fair financially and communicates with me as the other parent.

TwoDots that's exactly the problem, sometimes one ex just can't accept that the other's life has changed.

The fact that your OH's ex feels she has any right to tell your OH what to do with his holiday time is madness. I am not surprised you're finding it hard.

I think it can be very tempting for people to use their kids to guilt trip the other parent as a disguise for their own feelings about their relationship with their ex changing. They may not actually even acknowledge this to themselves, they may genuinely believe that they're annoyed for the child when really they're annoyed for themselves.

(Not saying this applies to you OP!)

Her way of dealing with it now is contacting him every single day about something. It's like she has to remind him she's still there too. It's exhausting for us

Same for me, constant messages and photos.

I'm with bibity and twodots who both sound pretty reasonable. I've had this too, my DPs ExW pretty much treated him as she did while they were married when I came along. She used to just turn up. She sent the kids around to our house when she wanted to clean, without asking. She would text daily, and phone the landline if she couldn't get through.

And she still had a key to our house!!!

Needless to say, I wasn't happy about a lot of this, and of course, go the 'blame' for all the changes.

OP I do think many of your concerns are legitimate. Like these: All I want is that my ExH continues to pay as he has done towards the school fees (I'm not even asking for 50%). To communicate with me when i email about holiday dates. Collection times. Drop off times. Concerns I have over... except that when you go into concerns and taking the kids to parties at weekends, I think there's where you scale back.

He probably is only taking them at weekends because he probably does feel bad about being away, but it just isn't reasonable to expect him to do this anymore. He's 130 miles and so dropping them off for anything at weekends and for school sessions isn't fair of you to expect. He still sees his kids regularly and consistently. If you pull too hard at everything staying the same that's ignoring that things have changed. And will set up resentment, and ultimately not great for your children who will get the definate impression from you that Daddy is not doing his best anymore, and its' because of horrible new woman. Please don't do that!

Bananas - I asked him whether he wanted to take him to the party, he said yes, I text him the invite, he RSVP'd to the Mum a yes. Then didn't turn up?! Don't agree to it in the first place if you're not going to bother going. Not fair.

And to be honest no Daddy isn't doing his best anymore!!

He is putting himself and his new relationship first .

There really isn't anything much you can do about it. He has your number too - as he said, you won't pull your child out of school because he can't pay, you will pull up the slack instead.

I would forget the cups of coffee, that ship has sailed. And he won't go to parents' evenings because he has chosen to live miles away. Try to remain civil for your children's sake and don't give out about him to them. You did have a good working parenting relationship. Now it has changed. There is nothing you can do really.