Step kids won't accept new baby

[minieggmad]

My partner and I have been together for 3 years and he has two girls from his previous relationship ages 11 and 14 who we normally see every other weekend. I have always got on amazingly well with both of them and felt they really respected me. However this has all changed since my partner and myself have had a new baby. At first it was just a few snotty remarks behind our backs to other family members but now the baby is here it's worse!
The tipping point for me was Christmas. Firstly when they arrived they did not even acknowledge the baby. Wouldn't even look at him! This made me furious they were sat on the sofa right next to him! It's obvious their mother has told them not to interact with him.
Then the kids and my partner were playing a board game and I was trying my best to settle baby down to sleep. The game was still going on at 11 at night and I was still trying to settle the baby as they were all shouting being load and keeping him awake. I must have told them 10 times to be quiet. Eventually I firmly told them to go to bed as they couldn't be quiet, got sniddy comments in return.
My partner and I consequently had a huge row as he says I have no right to tell them off and he says he doesn't want to do it himself as he doesn't see them very often and doesn't want to spoil the time he does spend with them. He also says them having fun is more important than the baby getting sleep!
My point here is what on earth do I do? I honestly feel like I no longer want them in my home but then again am I just being selfish after all they are just kids and also my sons siblings!
Or do I say to my partner from now on you see them else where? My baby can't be disturbed every time they are here just because they don't want to be respectful.
I also look after them occasionally on the weekends while my partner is working which I am not comfortable doing any longer. I am so worried this is going to cause a massive issue in our relationship and am so torn about what to do.
Any body else had this sort of reaction from step kids towards new siblings? Any advice would be very welcome.

I wouldn't have had all you family present as well as your dsc it sounds all abit much in a small house. I big thing is there really need there own space and bedroom when they come to the dad's are you considering a improving the housing situation?

Yes it was ridiculous my family live miles away and had not yet seen new baby so came to stay it was the only way we could all get together over Xmas due to shifts etc. We are trying to save up to move but money is tight while I'm on mat leave it is in the plans for the near future and have sat down with the girls and already they have made all the plans for their new bedroom.

Why did you not move to a bigger house prior to baby? It should have been made a priority that they have a personal place where they can go to where there own stuff is kept. It's difficult that your family live so far away but those children might have felt the atmosphere especially being over cramped on Christmas with people you admit aren't particularly familiar which is why they were acting up abit.

This man sounds like a real catch! He has everyone dancing round him doing the job he should be doing himself as a parent. Hasn't seen his kids in nearly 2 months. Some 'good dad'.

The house move needs to be a priority, how did you think it would work in a 2 bed property?

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂because we don't all have loads of money to just get a bigger house Christ what are some people like the baby sleeps in our room anyway till he's a year old like most babies do! Some people are out to hang you

Lots of other posts have covered concerns about your DH's lack of parenting skills but I wanted to pick up on something you said a couple of times about care of the baby:

"I want to do things my way"
"I want things to be done properly"

IME the couples whose relationships took the most battering following the birth of their baby operated exactly this way:

A Mum who insisted that there was only one right way to do everything.

A Dad who stood back, felt excluded and allowed himself to be infantilised.

We have twins and I wasn't very well after their birth so my DH was extremely hands on. Did he change nappies, bath them etc exactly how I would have done? No he didn't. Did it make a blind bit of difference? No.

If you push your DH out of the way so that you can do things "properly" he won't develop the skills he needs to care for his child. He'll feel incompetent and then won't want to care for his child alone.

And you'll end up in a few years with a useless father that doesn't know how to care for his child.

Which is apparently exactly what happened with his ex.

The only thing a father can't do is breastfeed. But other than that he should be learning to do everything! Changing, bathing, winding, playing, settling down at night.

I can't emphasise enough how much you are making a rod for your own back if he isn't involved with every aspect of his son's care.

Pushing him out of the way because he's not doing the nappy "properly" leads directly to a father that "doesn't know how to discipline his children".

Don't let history repeat itself.

But you've said its hard to save while you're on maternity leave, so he's going to be older than 1 by the time you're ready to move. There just doesn't seem to have been any thought put into the practicalities of bringing a new baby into your situation

The fact that the girls were all over your nephew, but not their half sibling is very telling - did you not pick up on that at the time?

Because a baby will grows up quickly you should have factored them in before you decided to have a baby. What if you can't get the money together on mat leave to move?

I would also suggest talking to the girls. It's great that you've realised there is an issue and are trying to do something about it. But rather than thinking i'll see if they want to read al story or do bathtime or whatever, talk and see if there's anything they would like to do - with the baby, with you, as a family, with their dad and so on, so that they feel involved.

I would talk to the girls - maybe leave your baby with DP for a while and take them out to a cafe. Spoil them a bit. I know that is the last thing you probably feel like doing, but it should reassure the girls that you love them just as much as ever and that they are not being 'replaced' by their baby brother.
After all, they are only being horrible to you and the baby because they feel insecure and unhappy.
Good luck - I have several friends who have been in the same situation and it does get better

You are in your own words
a first time mum with a fussy baby who is only 3 months' old, your feet probably haven't touched the ground since he arrived.
I find it promising you had a good bond with DP's girls before you got pregnant.

Ironically the person in the middle who should be encouraging the relationships is
not up to the job. He has been a dad for 14 years! He really dropped the ball and you are trying to repair the damage.

Btw you have been very honest explaining the love you feel for your DS right now is different to what you felt for the stepDDs.

Please re-read through the advice upthread.
In time things will balance out again. I think you can get that closeness back.

minniegg - you have gone OTT and come across as a complete cow.
It is me and me and what I want with my son, your partner has you and your son and his two daughters. getting the feeling he will never get it right from your comments.

Firstly, no evidence that their mother has told them to ignore the baby. They are 12 and 14 - they have minds of their own and will have opinions, especially the 14yr old.

Stop pushing them to accept the baby and let them do it in their own time.

It is also their home -but you ahve made it quite clear, you do not see them as part of your family, they are guests in your house and whilst your son is your number one priority - their father has 3 children to prioritise. Making him see them elsewhere, so no 1 son gets exactly what you want him to have will alienate them even further.

Yes he should discipline them.

Occasionally you used to look after them at the weekends and now you do not want to - Why not? What has changed about that arrangement.
You are making it clear, that the new baby has taken their places and is more important.

RElax, let them make their own way with their new brother and stop trying to dictate the new life you are all finding your way through. Life in a blended family is different - you can not alter that.

I've come late and haven't read all the comments. There are a lot! It's really common I think to have difficulties when a new baby comes. So it's not necessarily what the future holds.

I had a baby with my DP and it was difficult. The teenage step kids were loud, woke up the baby, and when the baby got older they were always forgetting to close the stair gate etc... It is annoying I get that. My teenage son was more considerate but then he was more clued in.

Step children only coming every other weekend won't be clued in to the baby or their needs. So I'd relax and not take their reaction to heart. Concentrate on the baby.

Your DP is like mine, he's trying to pretend nothing has changed and possibly indulging his older kids more. Again it's hard to tackle. But I would firmly tell him to settle the baby if they are woken up. I'd get him to take the baby out on the weekend. Only by being responsible will he show his kids.

I actually have a half sister if my own who I have never ever seen her any different from my other siblings which I think is why I get frustrated that they don't don't feel that way with LO I guess it will take them time

Did you see your half sibling every other weekend, that is when your parent could be bothered to see you? If so, obviously you did see them different to other siblings, because how can you not?
You can't expect them to treat your child as their sibling, they don't know him, they barely met him, they haven't been welcome in your home. How can you be frustrated that they don't see him that way when you and your DP have caused this situation?

You are still putting all your failures on to them, as if they have done something wrong, which was what your OP was all about.

So, your DH has one child who lives with him full-time, and two children who he only sees when it's convenient for him i.e. As long as the car is running.

TBH, I think that it's inevitable that when a SM has a baby she is going to realise that the feelings she has for the dSC are different to those which emerge for her own child, and it's IMO something which makes blending families almost impossible to achieve successfully.

However, having the expectation that they will take an interest in the baby is unreasonable. They're teenagers, and to teenagers babies are boring inanimate objects. Also, to you he is your baby, and everyone else should lov him as you do, but to everyone else he's just a baby. And realistically speaking, even though he's their brother by blood, they're not likely to see him as a brother or have a close relationship with him as they only see him four days a month if their father can be bothered. And given it seems he can't, it's only a matter of time before they stop bothering to want to come over.

As for assuming the ex is discouraging them from wanting to interact with the baby, she doesn't need to. They have enough reason to not want to interact with the baby, they don't need encouragement not to.

What WannaBe said.

You should have said in your first OP that visitation had changed around the same time than the baby arrived. Even though he and you know that it is a coincidence that his job changed his hours (assuming he genuinely didn't have a choice), his kids won't know it and all they will assess in the immature mind is that the reason why they don't come to visit so often is because of the baby. Not surprising that they resent him and if in addition to that, you then make a point that they should stop having fun for the benefit of the baby, then of course that will only make things worse.

There is nothing shocking at all about you saying you don't love your SDs, you don't have too, but please try to put yourself in their situation. They probably miss their dad much and it's hard to cope with sorrow when a stranger comes into the family and get to have what they wish for, plenty of time with their dad.

I expect their mum is highly annoyed because she sees her girls upset. It's not nice to be in this situation when you know there is nothing you can do. All he is risking is that the girls will get used to it and gradually don't care to see him at all. He will probably then cry that it is not his fault.

I'd like to know more about why he's the victim in all this while he leaves his children with a violent abuser. Why do you think that's OK and leaves him a good parent, OP?

I think you've changed your attitude through this thread and I'm really impressed with you (sorry that sounds incredibly patronizing, I don't mean it that way).

You cannot make your partner be a good father to his first or second family, but you could try making him aware of the damage he is causing and that you cannot condone it or plaster over the cracks. And see what happens. Perhaps he'll step up if he realises how badly he's messing up. I hope so, though it does seem like he's got a long way to travel, I do hope you and him together can make the situation better for his dd's, and longer term your baby too.

Just a word of warning, please don't try and take on his role for him, if he doesn't step up. That would put huge pressure on you and it wouldn't really work as no matter how ace you become as a step mum, fundamentally, unfortunately, you aren't the one his dds want to be the better parent... you can't replace him.

But really, good luck and I am really impressed that you've listened and taken on the insight and perspectives in this thread, when it's not been easy to hear

OP - it seems to me that you have been too involved with your DSCs. This is not a criticism - bear with me here. My DCs go to their dads 2 nights a week & every second weekend. His partner drops them to school if needs be & of course does stuff with them but if my ex is working or away I take them. He had gotten into a habit of working from home on his access days & having his partner mind the kids. I put a stop to this NOT because I don't want them to have a relationship with her (I do) but it wasn't fair on her nor was it fair on the kids - I felt it was not good for them to feel that mum & dad were too busy to mind them but dads partner wasn't.
Of course you will step in when you are all in the house together but you should not be minding them to facilitate their parents - that's not your role, they have two parents, & imo it's not fair on you.
My charming ex actually told me I should regard his partner as an unpaid childminder!!!
My ex now also has a one year old baby & my dd was put out at first. However I insisted she still visit her dad - she had as much right to be there on her access days as the baby - & I also told her that none of this was the baby's fault & that her anger was with her dad & I encouraged her to voice this to him in a calm manner which she did. Once she got it out she felt much better. I also encouraged her to tell her dad she wanted some alone time with him & she did!
I definately think some dad/daughter time is needed in your situation but I would encourage it to be in your home not at your mils.
Also do talk to your dp - he is doing your DSCs no favours by indulging them - my ex did same & my DD played him until she got old enough for me to talk to her & point out her behaviour to her.
Things will improve but I'd advise you to spend time with the girls of course but stop facilitating your dp & his ex in their minding.
Am rushing this so hope it reads as it's intended - positively 😊

Thanks Magda probably the best piece of advice somebody has actually given me here. I appreciate your post.