Step kids won't accept new baby

[minieggmad]

My partner and I have been together for 3 years and he has two girls from his previous relationship ages 11 and 14 who we normally see every other weekend. I have always got on amazingly well with both of them and felt they really respected me. However this has all changed since my partner and myself have had a new baby. At first it was just a few snotty remarks behind our backs to other family members but now the baby is here it's worse!
The tipping point for me was Christmas. Firstly when they arrived they did not even acknowledge the baby. Wouldn't even look at him! This made me furious they were sat on the sofa right next to him! It's obvious their mother has told them not to interact with him.
Then the kids and my partner were playing a board game and I was trying my best to settle baby down to sleep. The game was still going on at 11 at night and I was still trying to settle the baby as they were all shouting being load and keeping him awake. I must have told them 10 times to be quiet. Eventually I firmly told them to go to bed as they couldn't be quiet, got sniddy comments in return.
My partner and I consequently had a huge row as he says I have no right to tell them off and he says he doesn't want to do it himself as he doesn't see them very often and doesn't want to spoil the time he does spend with them. He also says them having fun is more important than the baby getting sleep!
My point here is what on earth do I do? I honestly feel like I no longer want them in my home but then again am I just being selfish after all they are just kids and also my sons siblings!
Or do I say to my partner from now on you see them else where? My baby can't be disturbed every time they are here just because they don't want to be respectful.
I also look after them occasionally on the weekends while my partner is working which I am not comfortable doing any longer. I am so worried this is going to cause a massive issue in our relationship and am so torn about what to do.
Any body else had this sort of reaction from step kids towards new siblings? Any advice would be very welcome.

As I said it did come across as ypi wanting to ban his kids and people get understandably protective of step kids when they're imaging their ex's new partner treating their kids this way. It can be easy mid rant to come across wrong and not everyone reads the updates.

I think your suggestion of spending time alone with them is a good one but also reread the other comments about their reaction being normal and expecting your DP to step up and parent

Wingingit I don't think their much point in explaining it if you can't understand why your suggestions would just make it worse. I only hope your upcoming wedding doesbt involve step kids of you have so little regard for them

OP its quite obvisious you are stressed and I hope just venting.

The SDDs are not the problem your DP is. Dont focus on their bad behaviour as its pretty normal when a new baby comes along. Focus on his.

Oh an please dont listen to wing that kind of talk and attitude is very common and more suited to the likes of Jezza

Hi OP,

Firstly my sympathy - for your SDs' treatment and the harsh responses you are getting here.
If I were in your shoes I would be extremely disappointed and hurt as well. When we had a new baby we also implemented rules on shouting/loudness - the older children understood and complied. It DIDN'T take away from their fun.
It's not too unusual for step children (and even biological children) to act this way due to feeling threatened or jealous of the new baby. Of course their behaviour is unacceptable regardless of their reasoning, however what is more perplexing and disturbing to me is your DP's reaction. He should back you up in front of the girls 100%, unless you were really unreasonable (which you were not). He should also sit down the girls and explain to them that they can't treat their little brother like this as it is extremely disrespectful. He should also attempt to get them to bond with him in a fun, friendly way (sounds like it's just you trying right now). And you're right, he can't expect of you to look after them if he won't allow you to discipline them when needed.

Your SDS are not the problem, your DP is. Sounds just like my dad with my older half siblings. Refused to discipline them, refused to allow my mother to discipline them (and undermined her when she tried) whilst simultaneously expecting her to do the bulk of childcare on his contact time, put the whims of the older children above the needs of his younger DC....I could go on but you get the point.

He did all of this because he felt hideously guilty for shagging about when he was married to their mum and for leaving their family. As he quite rightly should have done. However, he didn't do anybody - least of all the older children - any favours by refusing to parent them.

As a direct result of his incompetent parenting he now has older children who do not respect or care for him or their stepmother of almost 30 years, younger children who will always feel second best and do not have a close relationship with him at all, and two sets of children who are very distinct and separate from each other with no bond to speak of because they were treated so differently. All because my dad "didn't want to ruin his contact time by telling them off". Newsflash. Sometimes kids can be little shits and sometimes they just need someone to step up and be a parent. Failing to do that doesn't make you a "cool dad". It tells them that you don't care enough about them to set boundaries in place and provide consistency. Sometimes children act out because they want a parent to push back. Aside from anything else, he is responsible for making sure his DDs turn into decent grown ups with manners and respect for others. He is failing in this regard and it will be his DDs who pay the price when the rest of the world is not so forgiving.

You need to spend some regular quality time with them without the baby. Your husband does too. Some people just don't like babies that much anyway as they are pretty boring. Lower your expectations of their involvement. Eventually they will find it very tricky not to interact or bond with a cute toddler who is determined to play peekaboo.

It's perfectly reasonable and normal to tell them off for being loud at night when settling baby. It's not normal that he can't. Maybe he should take them out for a walk next time. He's trying to be a Disney dad but all children need age appropriate boundaries.

Agree the problem is your DH not the kids.

I would still look after them on his working weekend but change your expectations. Babies are boring!

I don't understand how you've got this far in your relationship without being able to discipline his kids? You take them out, look after them on your own, buy presents, organise parties etc? Have they been so well behaved all that time that you've never once had to tell them off? How did your DP react when you told them off before the baby arrived? Was he always critical of you disciplining them? I ask this because if he was then more fool you for thinking you could do it this time or that things would be different with a baby, but I mean that in the nicest way I can.

What is happening here is this, your Skids are jealous of the baby, you've spent so much time with them they are now worried that you have replaced them with the baby and that the baby is more important than them, of course he is, he's your flesh and blood and you will not have that bond with SDs no matter how hard you try. Even if you do love them unconditionally, it's not the same, especially when you have a child of your own. Your SDs may have been made aware of this by their mother or others but they will be feeling replaced and unimportant and unfortunately you sending them to bed will have reinforced that. However, it was totally the right thing to do, but not because of DS, simply put at that age they shouldn't be up that late making noise when they have been told to be quiet.

Your DP is totally the problem here, he has enabled his daughters to act like that and he's shown them that they are more important than you or DS when really his 3 kids should be on an equal footing. I suspect he is feeling guilty because he is worried they have now been replaced in your affections by DS.

My advice is this, you speak to DP, if you are not allowed to discipline SDs then you need to take turns in being out of the house when they visit so that you alone aren't interacting them, that means he needs to make alternative arrangements when he is working. If you are allowed discipline them then you get on the same page with DP about what is and isn't acceptable behaviour from his daughters and he follows through when they step out of line. You then need to start taking them out again like you used to, with DS and without DS. Your DP needs to take all 3 of his children out together and you need to go out and leave the 4 of them home, DP can then watch how DDs interact with DS and modify what behaviour is unacceptable. That might not be easy if you are breast feeding but you can still take an hour to get out. Your DP will soon become pissed if DDs deliberately wake DS whilst you're not there to settle him. Along with that I would buy some toys that are interactive so SDs have to interact with DS and they may start to bond. Remember they didn't give birth to him, they may feel a connection but they feel put out as well and haven't yet seen him as an innocent being. Provided you can discipline where necessary, give it time and they will grow to love him. Otherwise except that the relationship you had with them is gone and it may be best if you detach from them and ensure only minimal access to DS so they have a relationship but can't harm him.

From their perspective they only see their dad twice a month, and often on those weekends he's working. Now their is a baby who gets to live with their dad all the time. I doubt they need their mum saying anything to resent the situation.

Your dp is 100% to blame here, you are saying be quiet, he's saying they don't have to do obviously they will resent you over this.

Why the need to blame the ex when the problem is your partner. I'll bet anything that once your baby is old enough to play things will change with his sisters. But I don't know if I'd stick with such a twat for so long.

Give this time!
Your mothering instincts have kicked in and you feel protective and they feel usurped and probably insecure.
They are reacting in the way most girls that age would because they are self centred (as most kids that age are)
They are not looking at it from your point of view at all.
Play the long game. Be nice and include them and treat them just as before.
They will be besotted once baby is a bit older and irresistably cute.
Really i honestly think it will be fine and not worth wrecking your relationships over x

I think it's really normal for kids (even big ones) to behave quite badly when a new sibling appears; they are worrying they have been usurped & theyre right in a way. I think you do need to override the instinct to always put the baby first. Don't stop looking after them on a weekend or things may never mend. Ask them what they'd like to do. Don't expect them to be interested in the baby; he will win them around as he gets older & they will start to become a team against you & dh (in a cute way).
My ds1 was 13 when dd was born & 15 when ds2 was born. Ds1 is dh's stepson. He adores his siblings now & thinks they are hilarious. Do sd's ever have friends over at yours? It could be a way in. Sd's would appreciate the gesture & their friends might start some interest in their baby brother.

Mini
"It's obvious their mother has told them not to interact with him. "

I think you need to be a little bit careful of the above statement. It's not obvious at all, it's far more likely that an 11yo and 14yo are:

Embarrassed at the realisation their father is having a sex life
Worried about how this massive change will affect them
Feel like they've been replaced
Jealous of the new baby.

And all this would be perfect normal behaviour if they were full siblings let alone half siblings who are now competing with a baby that gets to live full time with their Father.

They are 11 and 14yo they will form independent opinions and feelings on the new baby without any input from their Mother.

I know it's hard for you too but you are an adult who has made choices in this situation.

They don't have any choice or control. Give them some time to come round. They need to learn to love him, it won't necessarily be instinctive for them.

Remember also that of course to you your baby is the most beautiful precious thing in the world. To a couple of emotional, self involved (and all teenagers are!) teenagers he's an inconvenience and just not that interesting.

Re the noise, staying up a bit later every second weekend isn't going to do the baby any harm (I appreciate it's stressful for you)

Why not get creative? Get your DH to take the older kids to the cinema over the bedtime period? Or send them out to collect a takeaway at that time? Or you sit downstairs with your feet up for a bit while the girls help their Dad with bath time.

Speak to your DH - noisy games are fun but don't schedule them across bedtime.
Ask him to get his kids involved with the baby.
Get him to do settling time (so he's the one invested in keeping the house quiet)

Putting the girls out the house is absolutely not the solution to this if you want your son to have a relationship with his big sisters.

As others have said the problem is your DP. For now I would tell him that you are not prepared to look after them while he's at work until they can be polite and respectful.

When they are there tell DP when their behaviour is unacceptable and get him to deal with it. He sounds horrible.

Look at it from the children's perspective. Dad left and is now living with another child. Why can he not live with them? Their parents don't have to be together, just live together. New child is another divider of time and money for their dad.
It is just jealously. You sound like a great step mum so perhaps you will just need to love bomb them until they realise they are loved still and they are not being pushed out.

I'd counterintuitively move your focus to the children, and DHs to the baby. So you take the girls out for some fun, leaving him with the baby. You play the board game while he puts the baby to bed. Go out for the day leaving him with all three.
DH needs to have the needs of all three thrust upon him, and the girls need to know you still love them as well.
Don't make it so they can't see him because of the baby, but just push the balance back the other way for a while.

Don't blame his ex, you don't know whether she's said anything or not, as pp have said it is just as likely that the girls would be resentful and uninterested in the baby if they were full siblings, so much harder when they're step siblings

Do not suggest your husband sees them elsewhere - can you really not see that that would be pushing them aside, not daddy and daughter time?

They may also be jealous that he's a boy (feel like their dad always wanted a boy perhaps?), that he lives with their dad full time, that you used to spend lots of time with them but now see them as an inconvenience?

And finally - their dad has to step up - did you not realise/discuss any of this before the baby arrived?

OP, have you considered that maybe, since you've found out you pregnant and even more since the baby has come that you have changed? What I mean is that maybe you've gone from being very friendly, fun, giving them attention and that now, you don't give much attention at all because it's all about the baby?

If that is the case, it's not a critic, as it is normal for any step-parent to give their newborn baby more attention, but it doesn't mean that it is wrong that your SD have reacted the way they do if indeed, that change has been drastic.

The example of the baby crying whilst they were playing a board game. Personally, my opinion would have been that you should have placed the baby in another room to sleep rather than expecting children of that age to be quiet doing an activity that is expected to bring on laughs and excitement and then making it that they were in the wrong.

I'm wondering why this is one examples amongst many others where you are expecting everyone to put your baby ahead of everyone else, which would explain why the children show no interesting in him and why your OH lost it on that occasion.

Wow so many replies and thank you it does put it into perspective for me which is why I wrote the post in the first I needed to know if my feelings were unreasonable and I think I know they are. they are just kids at the end of the day and I shouldn't let them get to me so much.
I think the problem is probably between my partner and myself I think we have some communication work to do especially when it comes to the kids. He pretty much let's me make all the decisions on the baby and I guess maybe I am like most mums a bit of a control freak, I like things done my way because it makes my life easier when I have his children to look after a house etc. I need to be a bit more open to the way things go when they arnt done my way.
As for involving their mother, I do have reason for this and am not just being bitchy. The older child once said her mum had told them we were too old to be having children, (were 30!) and has said that the younger girl was meant to be a Boy and if that had happened their dad would never have gone on to have another baby in the first place. These arnt awful things to say but none the less she shouldn't be giving her children these opinions as it puts ideas into their head. I get comments from them saying 'well he's not really our brother is he' and your not our real 'step mum'. She does cause problems in our relationship and she makes my partners life hell. Even my partners own family have told me to forget about the girls and concentrate on the baby, which I know is wrong. They say the girls are rude and disrespectful.
As harsh as this sounds But I am going to be completely honest here! I am very my fond of the girls But I wouldn't say love them I don't feel I have ever bonded with them enough to love them it's more of a friendship and now I have my own baby perhaps this comes across to them. I don't want to be criticised for this statement it is very hard to love someone else's children, I certainly care for them a great deal because they are my partners children and I chose to take them on when I met him.
Also I should add that since a month or two before the baby came my partners work stopped giving him every other weekend off so now only get the odd Saturday or odd Sunday off so we have not seen thwm as much as normal which is obviously making them feel that now the baby here we don't want them anymore. I have expressed my concerns over this to my partner but her takes now steps to make sure he does see them.

Pleased you have calmed doewn OP.

I am not excusing the girls rudeness but dealing with a new baby who will see their dad everyday when they wont must be very hard for them.

You need to ignore his family they sound awful saying that about your DSD. I suppose they would be unkind about your child too if you split so dont take their advice.

As for the ex you cannot control what she says but you can control your reaction to it.

Your DP is the real problem. He is not supportive of you and ge is not parenting his DDs well at all. He needs to try and change his working hours and his attitude.

Try love bombing the girls. They need to feel secure and that will take time. Re-affirm that to their baby sibling they are very important and babies are pretty boring when they are little but as they grow they will teach the baby so much and the baby needs sisters like them as they will be wonderful teachers. That sort if thing iyswim.

Also I used Christmas as an example because it was the tipping point. I had my parents brother their dog and his girls staying in my 2 bed house 8 of us and a dog! it was a nightmare and we sat the girls down and explained it was going to a squeeze and stressful before hand. I had no other room to go in I was in the living room and they were in the dinning room and it was Christmas night so no I was not prepared to go and sit in another room away from everyone at Christmas. It wasnt just them being load it was the younger one screaming at the top of her voice because she wasn't getting her own way with the board game! She's old enough to not do that. I had even said I don't mind u having fun but please don't scream and shout the babies tired they could hear him crying his eyes out. Several times I would settle him and they would wake him up and go 'oh no' so they knew what they were doing. Also my partner has taken no steps to see them since Christmas at all. Normally I'm the one to say you've got Saturday off why don't you have them but obviously I havnt don't this since the Christmas episode and he has not bothered at all. He is making the situation so much worse!

He hasn't seen them since Christmas? Did I read that right?

Hell he hasnt bothered to see hos children since Christmas!
Wow hes a catch isnt he

Are you sure it's obvious that their mother had told you not to interact with him?

They are teenage girls. Hormonal and ragey at the best of times. I expect they just don't like him much/aren't interested/feel jealous of him (that's probably the key).