Step kids won't accept new baby

[minieggmad]

My partner and I have been together for 3 years and he has two girls from his previous relationship ages 11 and 14 who we normally see every other weekend. I have always got on amazingly well with both of them and felt they really respected me. However this has all changed since my partner and myself have had a new baby. At first it was just a few snotty remarks behind our backs to other family members but now the baby is here it's worse!
The tipping point for me was Christmas. Firstly when they arrived they did not even acknowledge the baby. Wouldn't even look at him! This made me furious they were sat on the sofa right next to him! It's obvious their mother has told them not to interact with him.
Then the kids and my partner were playing a board game and I was trying my best to settle baby down to sleep. The game was still going on at 11 at night and I was still trying to settle the baby as they were all shouting being load and keeping him awake. I must have told them 10 times to be quiet. Eventually I firmly told them to go to bed as they couldn't be quiet, got sniddy comments in return.
My partner and I consequently had a huge row as he says I have no right to tell them off and he says he doesn't want to do it himself as he doesn't see them very often and doesn't want to spoil the time he does spend with them. He also says them having fun is more important than the baby getting sleep!
My point here is what on earth do I do? I honestly feel like I no longer want them in my home but then again am I just being selfish after all they are just kids and also my sons siblings!
Or do I say to my partner from now on you see them else where? My baby can't be disturbed every time they are here just because they don't want to be respectful.
I also look after them occasionally on the weekends while my partner is working which I am not comfortable doing any longer. I am so worried this is going to cause a massive issue in our relationship and am so torn about what to do.
Any body else had this sort of reaction from step kids towards new siblings? Any advice would be very welcome.

She does need to try harder though. He needs to do far more alright, but she also needs to step up. The OP is all about her feelings, her needs, her baby, and not at all about the children who are being neglected.

PS offer to let them help with the baby but don't ask incase it seems like a chore to them. If they do help with cuddles/bath/bed be very positive of how the baby looks so relaxed etc.

You might not see asking as forcing but they might, in a way that they feel they have to say yes. How would you feel if they said no? You seem like you would be upset and they would probably pick up on it so feel like they have to.

My partner and I consequently had a huge row as he says I have no right to tell them off and he says he doesn't want to do it himself as he doesn't see them very often and doesn't want to spoil the time he does spend with them. He also says them having fun is more important than the baby getting sleep!

Wow. Just wow. You have a dh problem. He wants to be a Disney dad and note tell his dc off? And wants you to look after them but you can't tell them off??

So you think I shouldn't concentrate on helping them bond with baby I should concentrate on them bonding with dad first?

I think HE should concentrate on his own relationship with his dc. Why are you facilitating it and thinking about it and doing everything for him? Fuck that. He's an adult and he needs to sort his shit out.

And just seen your update: he hasn't seen his dc since Xmas????? What a catch.

*"It's obvious their mother has told them not to interact with him. "

I think you need to be a little bit careful of the above statement. It's not obvious at all, it's far more likely that an 11yo and 14yo are:

Embarrassed at the realisation their father is having a sex life
Worried about how this massive change will affect them
Feel like they've been replaced
Jealous of the new baby. *

^^This.

Try seeing the situation through their eyes OP. If you've always had a good, positive, relationship with them before the baby then I honestly think you just need to give them time to see that they haven't been replaced at all and have nothing to be jealous about.

Besides which, babies aren't all that interesting .

No if they don't want to that's fine it's better if I do it because I know it's done properly and he will be more settled just thought it would help but if it won't then there's no point

Narky i see what your saying but if the dad was a better dad and supported the OP she wouldnt feel the way she does. Maybe its easier to blame the children who are not there than blame the man she has just had a child with. Not saying thats right just that it could be a reason.

Trust me I blame him for a lot of reasons. I know he needs to step up but I want to as well if I do it maybe it'll will give him good incentive to see the error of his ways

OP how do you feel about my suggestion of separating time out for the whole family on Saturdays and some hours on Sundays? You haven't really commented on whether you think that your DSC would be happy to spend the time alone with their dad without the baby due to possible jealously or feeling replaced as other PP have suggested.

Sorry, I posted without properly reading OP's 10.34 update.

As lovely as your plans sound, yes, the majority of the work does need to come from their father. It is primarily him that they will want to maintain a good relationship with and him that they will feel let down & neglected by.

I think it's a good idea we need to spend time as a whole family hence the trip I've planned away but also like people have suggested he could also do with spending time with just them too

Are you really sure he would OP?

Hes an adult and father for 14 years. Shouldnt he know how to be a good dad? Why should he be taught that by a new mum?

Yes work on your relationship with the girls but if their own father wont step up then your situation wont change. He should not need you to lead by example.

My concern is that the OP needed to be told that she was being entirely unreasonable and unfair here, so is hardly in a position to lead him by example, even if such a thing would work, which it won't.

You can't force a man to care about his children, and he clearly doesn't. That is the real problem here.

Well someone needs to show him otherwise it's not going to happen!
I know when he was with their mum he wasn't allowed to spend much time with them as their relationship was awful and she would take them off all weekend he says he's never had to discipline them and he doesn't know how and now he doesn't want to because he doesn't see them enough and wants the time they spend together to be happy. Which is fair enough but surely direction is what children need in order to know what is right and wrong. And when I say discipline I mean showing them manners, right from wrong etc. Simple things like if they eat their dinner then there's no pudding, right?

He cares about his children believe me he is just not stepping up. He loved them enough to fight a court battle to see them and I have seen his cry at the fact he though he had lost them when I first got with him unfortunately he can't see that he is losing them all over again

Ah, so he's told you it was all their mothers fault that he did no real parenting. Thats a convenient set up for it all to be your problem now, isn't it?
And he has you feeling sorry for him. He doesn't know how to? Come off it, he's a grown man and a father of 3. He knows how to, he just doesn't want to. He's lazy and inconsiderate.

What a mess, I feel for you.

Children are terrified of being rejected by a significant adult figure. They don't see what adults see, they assume they know by what they experience, as it all a child has to go on.
They may make rash assumptions, possibly fuelled by their mother.

What I read from this is two children wanting to have time with their dad. This is being reduced or not of the same quality time for the little time they get.

I'm not saying your feelings are not natural, they are. I'm saying look at how the other children in this relationship are seeing it.

If they were with you both full time, they are likely to still take no interest in a baby, this is normal.
All they see is another child in the mix that's taking away from what little they get.

I'm from a big family. My mother always said, the new baby won't suffer, it's the older children that have to be centre of attention. Their worth and their valued position in the family should be celebrated at this time.

It's easy to forget how lost they can feel when a new baby is showered with affection.

This is tenfold when the children are not living with you.

Your baby will thrive, for your other children to thrive too you have to put them centre stage.

Blended families are so hard to get right. But done right they are amazing. Good luck and best wishes.

No she is not a good mother and at the moment he's not being a good father and I have not been a good step parent since the birth of my baby but at least I'm trying to put things right. I don't have to do that some step parents would t bother at least I am trying

Have you asked the children if there is a reason why they don't seem interested in the baby? What were their reaction when they were told you were pregnant? They may feel that having a new baby brother will push them away, perhaps you can ask them to help with the baby, feed him and help you bath him. If they are making noise just say politely can you be a little bit quiet. It's all about the tone of your voice. They will bond with him in time. If its their mother who is encouraging them to not interact with the baby then your partner needs to have words with her.

I simply can't believe that after what you witnessed since Christmas you're trusting his version of his relationship with his ex.

Those poor kids.

You lost me at "it's obvious their mother told them not to interact with the baby"

Don't be so fucking ridiculous

he says he's never had to discipline them and he doesn't know how and now he doesn't want to because he doesn't see them enough and wants the time they spend together to be happy. Which is fair enough

Errrr, no it's really not fair enough. His first wife liked to do things her way, so picked up all the slack. Perhaps he wasn't great at parenting them, so she gave up. Now you seem to be heading the same way.... its clear he doesn't know what to do and needs guidance, it would be good if he could accept that and not make excuses.

With the right will, you two could make a plan together for a better way, together, pulling together rather than pulling apart.

His first wife liked to do things her way, so picked up all the slack.

Which, by stunning coincidence, is exactly how the OP described his input with this baby.

Sorry OP but all you are doing is excusing his lazy shit parenting.

Funny how its all the exes fault and not poor him. He has probably convinced himself he is a good dad and the ex was to blame and you are agreeing with him even though you have seen all the evidence against that.

He has not seen his children since Christmas. Who do you think is picking up all the pieces? Who is dealing with his childrens hurt at not seeing dad? Who is doing 100% of the parenting while he does nothing. The ex......yeah she sounds a real cow in all of this

She's not a good mother? He told you that, doesn't mean its true. She's good enough to raise his children when he can't be bothered to see them for weeks on end.

So as far as you say, these 2 girls have a terrible mother, a dad who won't discipline and doesn't see them for weeks, and a dads gf who doesn't want them in the house and is furious at them for acting like normal children.

Is anyone there to care about those children?