Step kids won't accept new baby

[minieggmad]

My partner and I have been together for 3 years and he has two girls from his previous relationship ages 11 and 14 who we normally see every other weekend. I have always got on amazingly well with both of them and felt they really respected me. However this has all changed since my partner and myself have had a new baby. At first it was just a few snotty remarks behind our backs to other family members but now the baby is here it's worse!
The tipping point for me was Christmas. Firstly when they arrived they did not even acknowledge the baby. Wouldn't even look at him! This made me furious they were sat on the sofa right next to him! It's obvious their mother has told them not to interact with him.
Then the kids and my partner were playing a board game and I was trying my best to settle baby down to sleep. The game was still going on at 11 at night and I was still trying to settle the baby as they were all shouting being load and keeping him awake. I must have told them 10 times to be quiet. Eventually I firmly told them to go to bed as they couldn't be quiet, got sniddy comments in return.
My partner and I consequently had a huge row as he says I have no right to tell them off and he says he doesn't want to do it himself as he doesn't see them very often and doesn't want to spoil the time he does spend with them. He also says them having fun is more important than the baby getting sleep!
My point here is what on earth do I do? I honestly feel like I no longer want them in my home but then again am I just being selfish after all they are just kids and also my sons siblings!
Or do I say to my partner from now on you see them else where? My baby can't be disturbed every time they are here just because they don't want to be respectful.
I also look after them occasionally on the weekends while my partner is working which I am not comfortable doing any longer. I am so worried this is going to cause a massive issue in our relationship and am so torn about what to do.
Any body else had this sort of reaction from step kids towards new siblings? Any advice would be very welcome.

He is a fantastic father to our baby and when he is with his children he is so happy yes as people have said he is a Disney dad he needs to take full parenting responsibility both the good and the bad. He also needs to have a meeting at work to sort his shifts out so he can balance his family work life otherwise something is going to give

Something already has given. He hasnt bothered with his children since Christmas.

He needs to do a lot of things, but will he? He hasn't for the last 2 months?

He has to

I dont think he sees it that way.

He didnt bother to parent his DDs and let the ex do it and he still does. He is letting you parent your baby and also letting you put the effort in with DSDs.

He doesnt have to do anything because the women in his life do it for him.

Look you are doing OK. I would sit the girls down & have a chat. Tell them you love them and having a baby turns the things you felt were normal on their head. Tell them you all have to make adjustments (including you, make a joke and say sometimes you can't find the time to even brush your teeth. But he is adorable .... and he is their little brother and you are delighted that he has two fab big sisters. Get them to bring baby photos with them and see if you can see any similarities. They get them involved slowly - don't overwhelm them, they think they have been forgotten and it is all about him. You can see how perhaps they feel out of it.

You said that you will take them out for hot choc - do it. Also try and spoil them a bit.

Of course at the same time you need to work things out with your OH. You need to be a unit. Good luck.

No. Hell no. You go tell him no chance, you won't be looking after them when he works. 11 and 14 and so rude?! I bet their mom has a huge contribution in it.

Stand your ground. It's also your home and he's also your baby's dad.

I would sit the girls down & have a chat. Tell them you love them and having a baby turns the things you felt were normal on their head

She has said she doesn't love them. Why would lying to them help? They will know anyway, kids aren't stupid.

I care for them a lot their dad needs to tell and more importantly show them he loves them we have established that much

What an awful situation. It must very difficult and disappointing.

Your baby is their brother! I think that you and your partner need to find ways for them to bond with him.

A new baby is a joy, but also can rock the security of siblings. I expect that their status as "half" siblings probably makes this more acute. You need to help them to feel just as loved and important as ever. It's very difficult for you, but is worth it.

Your partner needs to help you. Perhaps you should leave them all together for an afternoon? He could ask them to help with the baby, let them get close to him.

Right thank you all for your help, as a result of this. A trip away with the girls to London has been booked and we are having them this weekend we are all going out for dinner and then my partner is taking the girls to the cinema after while I get baby to get peacefully. He has agreed with work to have every other weekend off with exception he may have to go in the odd Sunday for an hour or two in which case we will only have them for one night so I'm not left having to look after them on my own. Let's hope all goes well and I appreciate all the advice good and bad

Get baby to sleep

Right. You and DP need to agree house rules and HE needs to enforce them, not you. He needs to take it on the chin for you because it's ever so easy for them to hate you unless he wants to lose another marriage and kid. That sounds brutal but the truth is either he figures out how to cohesively coparent with you or this will all end in tears. I'd back off completely from any discipline. Leave it to him. Tell him how important the girls are to you and that you're upset it isn't going well. This is your plan and you need his help. If he balks then ask him what his ideas are (they'll be one!) to make things better for everyone especially all the children involved.

Do talk to the baby about his amazing sisters out loud and within ear shot of them. It will feel a bit silly and forced but everybody likes to hear nice things about themselves and facilitates the relationship. Give all the way up on the greeting and saying hello. It's a huge transition time between households and it's the hardest bit for stepkids. Are they being polite? Nope. But there's a whole lot of feelings driving it and most of those are upheaval. Start doing special time with each girl. 30 minutes each visit they get 1:1 with you and 30 min 1:1 with dad. The girl dictates what you do and you happily do it. You may need to help with ideas at first do nails, hair, Lego bake cookies, watch a funny tv show whatever! It signals that they are important as individuals. It also leaves your husband alone with the baby and the other girl.

Oh and find someone you can vent to that you trust who isn't DP! You have feelings and they count and sometimes you need to let off steam but not to DP.

OP this is possibly the worst age to have a new sibling thrust upon you. It took me years to forgive my parents and they did everything they could to help dsis and I to adjust and it was a full sibling.

You are a new mum you absolutely should have taken the baby upstairs at xmas, this is just the first of many, many sacrifices (i didnt want to be away from everyone) you will make to make life bearable for everyone. YABVVU

A fancy trip to London isn't to make the situation better this requires a lot of work from the pair of you. There last visit was an unpleasant one I'm sure they have a lot of insecurities. I'm just wondering you say you have a 2 bedroom house where do they sleep?

You need to look at this long term

Poor, poor girls. Daddy's created a new family and can't be bothered with them any more . That's how his DC will see it and it won't need their mother's input, DC are not stupid. They did not ask for any of this but are expected to accept it and remain on best behaviour at all times.

When he finally makes the effort to start seeing them again, I would back off with the baby completely. They have plenty of time to fawn over him to please you build a relationship with their half sibling. Their father needs to spend one on one time with them to help them feel secure that they are just as important as the new DC.

You only have them EOW! Surely you could go out with baby for a bit, they go out or leave them all to it in another room even if they are a bit noisy. Not really a hardship for that amount of time. When they start to feel that they are equal in their father's emotions to his new child, and the baby is not so tiny, I am sure they will gradually start to show an interest.

I also think the fact that the DC only come into their Dad's new household for 4 days a month, I am assuming, makes this so much harder for them to adjust to.

At 11 and 14 they are old enough to decide how often they want to visit. Is there any reason they don't have more contact? They are hardly toddlers who need constant looking after.

Some really bitter and unpleasant posts here.

Bitter how?

I don't see how it's YOUR baby and why the whole house should be quiet.
What would you do if they were full siblings of the baby?
If you had 3 dc you wouldn't lose your rag when the others made noise.
I'm with your dh here, unless he never pulls them up, even if their behaviour is bad.
If you want a good relationship between all the dc you need to include the others in your parenting routines.
YABVU, sorry.

Hi OP!
Just thought I would add a bit of input as in this scenario I was the step daughter.
Bit of background, parents split when I was about 1, met other people, I was an only child until I was 12, then my dad had a baby with his wife (long term partner for over 10 years, I love her dearly) but I can still remember crying to my mum asking what if my dad doesn't want me anymore as he now has a new family etc. I considered myself to be tough as nails too!
Then my mum had a baby when I was 13 with my step dad (logistical nightmare my family lol) and I still felt jealous, I couldn't help it. I love my sisters more than anything but can still remember panicking about their arrivals at an immature age.
My mum sorted everything, she spoke to my dad and step mum who took me out for the day alone (minus sibling) and reassured me that everything will stay the same and I will still be loved no matter what. They made me feel like a "proper cool big sis" and in turn I took on the role with pleasure.
Maybe the fact that there is 2 sisters makes them a bit more rude, sisters sticking together and all that but I reckon singling them out and having a little heart to heart with them will go a long way.
Also make them feel involved with the baby, I changed a nappy and thought I had achieved world peace. Its quite a difficult thing you are going through, the storm will pass. Big hug.

Their last visit was not unpleasant yes I said they had to go to bed it was 11.30 by that point. I did not shout or raise my voice. I could not go upstairs my dad was in bed after as he had had an operation 5 days before. My partner and myself and baby were sleeping downstairs so the girls could have our bedroom. It was chaos but that's what you do when you want the whole family together at Xmas. It was too late for loudness and shouting screaming but none the less there could still have fun without that I'm not unreasonable I'm asking for the shouting to stop and was sending them to bed at a late hour.
The next day there was no animosity as I did not tell them off As in give them a bollocking I simply told them to go to bed as it was late and they were being load. and my partner and myself had the argument after they had left so they did not hear a thing. So no they were not made to feel unwanted then and it was by no means nasty for them. Yes before I am put right on the matter things have changed since then and we haven't seen them and that is going to change now. And absolutely they are feeling left out and unloved so in that respect mayb it was unpleasant but no because I was nasty to them. This situation of them being quiet was asked if them early in the evening we explained this was a one off and only a use there were so many people staying. Not what we normally ask them to do at all. I'm a big believer in not tip toeing around babies as they will never sleep around any sort of noise but shouting and screaming is unreasonable behaviour from children old enough to know right from wrong.

And thanks Jenbob it's helpful seeing it from your perspective they need to feel wanted and loved definitely. I actually have a half sister if my own who I have never ever seen her any different from my other siblings which I think is why I get frustrated that they don't don't feel that way with LO I guess it will take them time.

Also they do love babies my sister had a baby 2 weeks before Xmas we took them to see her and baby and they could not stop cuddling her and kissing her but they show none of this with their brother because they probably feel replaced by him which they are not