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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step kids won't accept new baby

197 replies

minieggmad · 08/02/2017 23:57

My partner and I have been together for 3 years and he has two girls from his previous relationship ages 11 and 14 who we normally see every other weekend. I have always got on amazingly well with both of them and felt they really respected me. However this has all changed since my partner and myself have had a new baby. At first it was just a few snotty remarks behind our backs to other family members but now the baby is here it's worse!
The tipping point for me was Christmas. Firstly when they arrived they did not even acknowledge the baby. Wouldn't even look at him! This made me furious they were sat on the sofa right next to him! It's obvious their mother has told them not to interact with him.
Then the kids and my partner were playing a board game and I was trying my best to settle baby down to sleep. The game was still going on at 11 at night and I was still trying to settle the baby as they were all shouting being load and keeping him awake. I must have told them 10 times to be quiet. Eventually I firmly told them to go to bed as they couldn't be quiet, got sniddy comments in return. Angry
My partner and I consequently had a huge row as he says I have no right to tell them off and he says he doesn't want to do it himself as he doesn't see them very often and doesn't want to spoil the time he does spend with them. He also says them having fun is more important than the baby getting sleep!
My point here is what on earth do I do? I honestly feel like I no longer want them in my home but then again am I just being selfish after all they are just kids and also my sons siblings!
Or do I say to my partner from now on you see them else where? My baby can't be disturbed every time they are here just because they don't want to be respectful.
I also look after them occasionally on the weekends while my partner is working which I am not comfortable doing any longer. I am so worried this is going to cause a massive issue in our relationship and am so torn about what to do.
Any body else had this sort of reaction from step kids towards new siblings? Any advice would be very welcome.

OP posts:
rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 09/02/2017 11:29

Sorry you're dealing with this OP, very hard situation all round. Flowers

At 11 and 14 you can welcome and support them having a relationship with the baby if they want to, you can always keep that door open for them, but if they don't want to then you may have to accept that. They didn't choose this, and it's very hard to see a parent who rejected you playing happy families with his brand new, shiny child, and leaving you living with the abandoned, angry and resentful parent. They must also be aware and angry that now their time with dad is affected and restricted by the baby.

The deliberately waking the baby and being snide is not on, of course it isn't. If dp won't work with you - and I can see his guilt must play a big part here - and the girls are behaving like this, another option would be that you and baby just spend as much time as possible out of the house during their visiting times, or even go and stay with a friend/parents. They have their dad to themselves, you get peace and quiet with the baby, you break the whole habit and pattern, and it may be when you remove yourself and the target of the behaviour without fuss, without even commenting, they realise they've gone a bit far. They and dp may then come to you to negotiate and be a bit readier to make compromises.

Original poster
minieggmad · 09/02/2017 11:29

That I'm trying to make this family unit stable again after everything that's gone wrong

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 09/02/2017 11:29

She is a mum who loves and cares for her kids yes she s a good mum in that respect I would say but bad in the respect she says things to make them dislike their brother and goes out drinking.

OK, so she's not a bad mum then is she? She is entitled to a life. Why can't she have a drink with friends? Confused Ideally, the DCs would be with their father of a weekend whilst she was out but - as their father is failing to maintain regular contact - she is using a babysitter. She doesn't seem to be the one failing in that equation.

Sorry OP, I'm really not trying to have a go at you. You genuinely do seem to want to do your best for the DSD's. However, I think you need to get an unbiased view of the real issues before you start. It's really difficult to be a step-parent at times, as I'm sure you know.

MrsDustyBusty · 09/02/2017 11:29

people are all to quick to say she's a single mum let's all praise her

I don't think anyone has implied any such thing. What people are saying is that if your partner is telling the truth, his failure to see them for now going on six weeks for trivial reasons is grossly irresponsible. If she's good enough to pick up his considerable slack to this extent and he's happy for that to happen, is there reason to think that he demonised her unfairly to justify his lazy and indulgent parenting?

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 09/02/2017 11:32

That I'm trying to make this family unit stable again after everything that's gone wrong

Which family unit though? Those girls aren't part of your family unit, are they? You only saw them once a fortnight before, now you aren't seeing them at all. And when you had them at christmas you didn't treat them as part of your family unit.

How do you think you can fix it?

Costacoffeeplease · 09/02/2017 11:32

You can't make this better while their father shirks his responsibilities and piles all the blame on their mother

You know that could be you in a few years?

Original poster
minieggmad · 09/02/2017 11:35

No I hasn't lied about what happened in their relationship. They had some serious problems I don't think these violent acts ever happened around the children and normally alcohol was involved. She would never be like that with children it's toxic relationships that cause anger they were bad together.

OP posts:
MrsDustyBusty · 09/02/2017 11:37

Nobody is saying that you have lied but that he may give a misleading account, like when he's saying he wasn't let parent but you can see that he's leaving the parenting of your child to you despite the fact that you would let him.

RacoonBandit · 09/02/2017 11:37

How do you know he hasnt lied? Do you have the exes version of events?

Original poster
minieggmad · 09/02/2017 11:39

They were very much apart of the family at Christmas my family all came toys and gave them presents we all had a massive wrapping paper fight loads of fun and giggles my family who have only met them once or twice welcomed them with open arms. I sat and helped them look through all their gifts. My brother played with them for hours. They were made to feel as much apart of the family as the rest of us.
I want things to be a stable family unit but don't know how when there ended up being a big issue. So I'm trying with the help and suggestion of people on here to work through a good way of doing it.

OP posts:
NarkyMcDinkyChops · 09/02/2017 11:40

You don't know what happened, you know what he said happened. And you KNOW he is a poor excuse for a father. The question is, what next?

Original poster
minieggmad · 09/02/2017 11:40

Because it was brought up in the court case over custody and police reports etc

OP posts:
abbsisspartacus · 09/02/2017 11:42

Tell him he either act's like a father or he sees yet another child eow

MrsDustyBusty · 09/02/2017 11:42

So how does he justify leaving his children with a violent person? I mean, I know you say she's good enough to the children, but someone who can act out violently doesn't always discriminate.

Original poster
minieggmad · 09/02/2017 11:45

If there was any doubt in our minds we would have done something about it. I trust her with them I would not have any child be in any siutuation where there was even the smallest chance of violence

OP posts:
RacoonBandit · 09/02/2017 11:46

I suspect the violence was commited by both parties while drunk so the courts could not blame just 1 person.

Nice guy you have there OP.

IrianOfW · 09/02/2017 11:46

"I'm just at a loss I feel like our little happy family unit is ruined"

I can understand how upsetting that might be but maybe the arrival of the baby feels that way to them?

MrsDustyBusty · 09/02/2017 11:47

If she's damaged someone's skull she has an extraordinary capacity for violence of the most extreme kind.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 09/02/2017 11:49

If there was any doubt in our minds we would have done something about it. I trust her with them I would not have any child be in any siutuation where there was even the smallest chance of violence

You don't think there is the smallest chance of violence with a woman you say fractured someones skull and broke an arm? Seriously? Hmm

Would you leave YOUR baby with her or is it just other peoples kids you think its ok for?

Original poster
minieggmad · 09/02/2017 11:52

I would t leave my baby with anyone he is only 3 months old

OP posts:
Original poster
minieggmad · 09/02/2017 11:54

Things got heated she was slapping him and he fell down the stairs. She is not a violent mother. But like I said a very toxic relationship they had kids very young tried to stay together for the sake of the kids and ended up hating each other

OP posts:
RacoonBandit · 09/02/2017 11:55

I find it very sad that regardless of his behaviour which you have witnessed you simply cannot hold him responsible and instead vhoose to blame the ex who is frankly doing all of the parenting and shouldering all of the responsibility because their dad wont.

I think this thread will achieve nothing.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 09/02/2017 11:55

Doesnt actually answer the question.

Look you know this is a big mess, but you're in denial about a lot of it, probably because you realise but don't want to admit that a man who can abandon his first lot of children can and probably will do it to his second. And you're trying to reconcile what you know to be true with what you'd like to be true and you cant make sense of it.

But really only one question matters...what next?

Original poster
minieggmad · 09/02/2017 11:58

No no no he IS responsible for what has happened here.its just somehow their mum is now involved and I've been told I'm being unreasonable blaming her for certain things and ll I'm saying is actually she far from prefect herself but he in situation over not seeing the kids them being left out is entirely his fault and yes mine too

OP posts:
RacoonBandit · 09/02/2017 12:01

Then take your focus off the ex.

You have made countless excuses for him and blamed the ex to back those excuses up. When actually this situation in down to him. Which will not change no matter how much effort you put in.

Serious question OP. Are you happy given hiw he treats your DSDs that he is the father of your child?

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