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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step kids won't accept new baby

197 replies

minieggmad · 08/02/2017 23:57

My partner and I have been together for 3 years and he has two girls from his previous relationship ages 11 and 14 who we normally see every other weekend. I have always got on amazingly well with both of them and felt they really respected me. However this has all changed since my partner and myself have had a new baby. At first it was just a few snotty remarks behind our backs to other family members but now the baby is here it's worse!
The tipping point for me was Christmas. Firstly when they arrived they did not even acknowledge the baby. Wouldn't even look at him! This made me furious they were sat on the sofa right next to him! It's obvious their mother has told them not to interact with him.
Then the kids and my partner were playing a board game and I was trying my best to settle baby down to sleep. The game was still going on at 11 at night and I was still trying to settle the baby as they were all shouting being load and keeping him awake. I must have told them 10 times to be quiet. Eventually I firmly told them to go to bed as they couldn't be quiet, got sniddy comments in return. Angry
My partner and I consequently had a huge row as he says I have no right to tell them off and he says he doesn't want to do it himself as he doesn't see them very often and doesn't want to spoil the time he does spend with them. He also says them having fun is more important than the baby getting sleep!
My point here is what on earth do I do? I honestly feel like I no longer want them in my home but then again am I just being selfish after all they are just kids and also my sons siblings!
Or do I say to my partner from now on you see them else where? My baby can't be disturbed every time they are here just because they don't want to be respectful.
I also look after them occasionally on the weekends while my partner is working which I am not comfortable doing any longer. I am so worried this is going to cause a massive issue in our relationship and am so torn about what to do.
Any body else had this sort of reaction from step kids towards new siblings? Any advice would be very welcome.

OP posts:
Original poster
minieggmad · 09/02/2017 10:02

No and I am well aware that is now another issue. To have to deal with! Our car did break down and then we ended up with a stomach bug which wrote off most of January and he did phone them and explain this but still not on.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 09/02/2017 10:04

Wow, unbelievable

It's nearly Valentine's Day and he hasn't bothered to see them since Christmas! Poor kids, I'm afraid this could be something they never forgive him for, coinciding with the arrival of the baby

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 09/02/2017 10:05

So to sum up, he hasn't seen them since Christmas, when you shouted at them for playing a game and sent them to bed. You told them the house was full of your family and that the babys sleep was more important than them having fun with their father on Christmas Day?

Why bother to talk about not allowing them in your house, when they aren't coming anyway? You don't want them there, their father can't be bothered with them. They have got the message loud and clear that you have your own kid now and they are no longer wanted.
No wonder they dislike you now! Poor girls.

RacoonBandit · 09/02/2017 10:06

All hes done is hit home to them that new baby comes first because that is what they will think.

He is not a good father i am sorry for you and his poor children.

Zippidydoodah · 09/02/2017 10:08

Omg, I missed a page somehow before I posted and have just read it. You have more problems than the op makes out. I'm so sorry your partners ex has said those things to the daughters. No wonder they resent your baby!! Especially the younger one.

But also the fact that they haven't seen their sad since Christmas speaks volumes.

They are being rude and they need to be disciplined but it is 100% your partners responsibility, imo. You're trying your best! I don't blame the girls at all for their behaviour, fwiw.

Original poster
minieggmad · 09/02/2017 10:09

Narky I'm not interested in any of your posts so I wouldn't waste your time they are not helpful. I have a family in crisis and am asking for advise to help work out what to do. You are not helping

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 09/02/2017 10:11

It would have been helpful if you'd included that crucial piece of information in your op though

You can't pick and choose what replies you get - people are going to be genuinely shocked at the latest update

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 09/02/2017 10:12

No, you wouldn't be, as they don't paint you in a good light. Unfortunately they are accurate based on your own posts.
How about you stop thinking about yourself and your own needs, which was what your OP was about, and think about how you can help those children who have been abandoned by their father and replaced by a new baby?

RacoonBandit · 09/02/2017 10:14

OP please dont be one of those posters Hmm

Narkys post does summerise the situation you may not lime it but is is a summery based on what you have posted.

If you cannot accept the fact you will get different opinions and advice then dont post on an open forum.

thethoughtfox · 09/02/2017 10:20

Perhaps don't assume their mother told them to ignore you baby ( unless she has form for this) This is a child's worst nightmare that their father has a new family now and won't want them anymore. They will be hurt which will present as anger and abrasiveness. You both need to go out of your way to make them feel special and wanted.

thethoughtfox · 09/02/2017 10:23

You could suggest he organises some great fun days out them ( they could choose activities) so they feel special, but you also get quiet time with the baby. Be careful to make sure they don't get a sense that they are not wanted at your house.

Ouriana · 09/02/2017 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

7SunshineSeven7 · 09/02/2017 10:25

You said earlier you've tried to get them involved with the baby but do you do stuff with them without the baby there? That could be part of the problem, they want alone time with you/your DP and they aren't getting that because you're trying to force them to bond with the baby all of the time. I can see how that would be frustrating for them

wingingitmomma · 09/02/2017 10:31

Momma it doesn't! Thank god! I would never take on someone with kids my own preference! I've seen it it all go wrong my aunties step kids have her a dogs life my uncle never ever put his kids straight and it cost their relationship if OP was to ban them it would force her hubby to address their behaviour this situation isn't going to get better any time soon at all you just seen to think everyone should be walked all over.

Original poster
minieggmad · 09/02/2017 10:34

I think I'm going to try getting them to help me with the baby so that they feel involved maybe bedtime they can read him story help me Bath him so they understand he is their brother and that they can help to look after him like they do each other it will help them bond with him. I'm also in the process of planning a trip away with them after reading some posts on here I agrees we need to probably shower them with a bit love and spoil them a little bit as they have well and truly been neglected. It is a poor show their dad hasn't seen them and days roll into weeks when you've got a baby I'm finding it extremely hard to plan anything lately to be honest he is a very difficult baby. But I need to try harder and make this work and maybe show my partner that family life is worth all the effort. Perhaps he is worried the baby has drawn a divide after what happened at Christmas and is holding back on seeing them as he doesn't want to make it worse but in doing that he is making it even more of an issue. Things need to change big time and I'm on a roll now when he gets in from work I'm going to make him sit down and we are going to make plans and decisions on parenting together and get our shit together!

OP posts:
RacoonBandit · 09/02/2017 10:36

Wing the children have not visited since Christmas so it appears a ban is already in place.

Hubby.....yuk Hmm

Costacoffeeplease · 09/02/2017 10:36

Good, it sounds like you have a plan - but he really needs to grow up and face up to the situation - it isn't going to go away and as you say, will only get worse

Head out of sand time for him

7SunshineSeven7 · 09/02/2017 10:37

I think getting them too involved with the baby all the time is a bad idea. Sometimes yes, but bath and bed too I think is too much - you can't force it. They only see their dad every other week as it is and now they have to share that time with a baby who gets to be with their dad all the time. It sounds petty and ridiculous but that's how they will see it. You need to do things together, yes but also organise time they can spend with their father alone without the baby present until they get used to the idea of him being there all of the time.

Original poster
minieggmad · 09/02/2017 10:38

So you think I shouldn't concentrate on helping them bond with baby I should concentrate on them bonding with dad first?

OP posts:
Original poster
minieggmad · 09/02/2017 10:39

I wouldn't force them to help with baby but rather ask if they wanted to maybe ones can help bath and the other read a story I just thought it would help them see he is something to be looked and not something to be jealous of

OP posts:
girlelephant · 09/02/2017 10:40

OP I have to agree that Narkys summary is how the children likely feel.

Blended families are difficult and there are lots of people with experience and great advice on here. The children are young and likely feel pushed out.

Imagine not having seen your own baby since Christmas Day due to a lack of car and stomach bugs? My DH, baby and I seem to have caught every winter bug going since early December until now. I was also without a car for a period over Christmas. We've still managed to see family and friends on the days we felt better. Phone calls explaining this don't go far enough.

As for your idea that he takes the DSDs to his Mum's house, I think that's a poor idea. It will only reinforce that they aren't welcome in the house and he more divisive. Instead i would suggest you spend some time the 5 of you and bond and he also takes the girls out for a few hours himself to give the three of them some time together.

You mentioned a change in your DPs hours, I agree with another PP it's vital to agree new contact bourse and keep to them. Get him to explain this isn't due to the baby but a change in his shifts. Everyone needs routine and to feel equal.

Good luck.

Original poster
minieggmad · 09/02/2017 10:40

Looked after I meant

OP posts:
RacoonBandit · 09/02/2017 10:41

But I need to try harder and make this work

Nope. No no no.

What is dad doing in all this? Why is it your responsibility to facilitate contact?

This man Hmm needs to stop putting all of the responsibility on your shoulders.

I am afraid all your efgorts will not make him a better father or partner.

7SunshineSeven7 · 09/02/2017 10:41

No, I didn't say that, I said get them to spend time with the baby but don't force them to be involved with him all of the time. They might not like babies full stop. If you try and force them to be with him the whole time they will not bond with him, they'll just be annoyed. Maybe every time they come down organise a family thing to do like the park or something on the Saturday and then on Sunday let them go out with their dad for a few hours on their own for lunch or bowling or something.

That way they spend nice time with the baby (not the bath and bed time which they won't see as ''fun'' and they will also get their personal time with their father so feel like they're not losing him as much. They're probably insecure about the fact the baby is with their dad full time and they're not.

RacoonBandit · 09/02/2017 10:41

*efforts

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