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Original poster

What's your opinion on maintenance?

205 replies

Mamamc123 · 07/02/2017 06:58

Nothing wrong here and not asking for advice as such, just a difference in opinion during a discussion tonight and I wondered what everyone else's views are on how maintenance money is used and what it's expected to cover?
My friend and I are both mothers to our own bio kids and I am also SM to my DPs kids.
Friend was moaning how her ExH doesn't contribute enough financially to her daughter's expenses - he pays well above what the CSA calculator suggests and his daughter wants for nothing whilst she's with him.
She expects him on top of that to buy half of the children's clothes, school uniforms, shoes, activities/ clubs, extra childcare etc - which is exactly what my DP does for my DSDs.
However I think it's unreasonable to expect this much when a regular and fair amount of maintence is being paid and custody is split.
My ExH pays maintence for our children but in my opinion it is for all of those things and I don't expect him to "top-up" anywhere else. I don't think it's fair for a father to be paying for the mother to look after her own children when they are with her if that makes sense? I don't pay my ExH for the kids food etc when they are there.
If something like an expensive school trip or one off big expense then I think it's fair to go 50/50 on that, but in general if you're receiving 100s in maintence every month then you shouldn't always expect more.
Ps: I'm not talking about men who shirk their responsibilities or don't pay - I mean honest good dad's who pay their fair percentage of income and see their kids regularly.
What do you all think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamamc123 · 07/02/2017 13:40

Ladydeedy exactly! 👍🏻

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamamc123 · 07/02/2017 13:45

It's not wrong I just wouldn't ask personally as ultimately it's my choice to put them into these clubs whilst they're young and during days when they're in my care - if I can't afford it myself then it isn't an option. I wouldn't decide my 5 year needs piano lessons for example then just expect ExH to pay half. He can choose what he does with them in his time - he does educational things with them in his time with him too which I don't contribute to.
Your extra utilities should be covered within the maintence money that's what it's for?

OP posts:
Dollyparton3 · 07/02/2017 13:52

OP my DP pays what some people on here call the "minimum", £500 a month. On top of that we pay for both Stepkids allowances, pay towards phones, school trips, reasonable clothing purchases, and a holiday with us once a year.

DP's ex has trained the children to tell DP it's not enough, every major purchase request comes to us and we assess if its reasonable and if we can afford it every time. If so, we contribute.

DP's ex works 16 hours a week, claims tax credits and bought a £26k car outright this week. Go figure.

RacoonBandit · 07/02/2017 13:54

Your extra utilities should be covered within the maintence money that's what it's for

Erm i dont get maintenance but thanks any way for telling me how i should spend it if i did Hmm

The point is if maintenance only covers the basics of food, some clothes and heat/roof then then why is it so awful to ask for half of the extras?

Petal02 · 07/02/2017 14:02

Excellent post Ladydeedy!!

Original poster
Mamamc123 · 07/02/2017 14:04

Racoonbandit because the extras are just that - they're optional extras and it's unfair to just expect an Ex to pay that.
Like I said it's just an opinion and it's been an eye opener to hear everyone else's 😊

OP posts:
RacoonBandit · 07/02/2017 14:11

I never said expect I said ask.

Love how a haircut is optional as is another pair of school shoes because hes outgrown the ones he got in September Hmm

I wonder how much extra dad pays having his kids for a whole 2 days a week!

Threads like this sicken me. The ex is always the money grabber and the poor dad is seen as the victim. I am also amazed how some appear to know the exact goings on of the finnances of the mums. All we need is a comment about how the mum has her hair and nails done and we will have a full house on exw bingo.

Original poster
Mamamc123 · 07/02/2017 14:15

No haircuts and clothes / uniforms are accounted for in the maintence in my opinion.
I never called anyone a money grabber, just different views. And I AM the ExW too and I wouldn't be hitting up my ExH for more money unless it was something really large and unexpected like a residential trip for school - which is optional and subject to both of our financial situations at that time.

OP posts:
Littleballerina · 07/02/2017 14:17

Blimey, reading this has made me realise that my dc get nothing from exh!
He gives £30 a week for 3 dc. CSA calculator said that he should pay more but he said he couldn't so it's £30 or nothing. They stay with him 3 nights a week and I buy all clothing, shoes, clubs, trips etc. The clothes never come back from his and he doesn't do anything with them.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 07/02/2017 14:24

Optional extras? Oh do bugger off. It's about sharing responsibility for the costs of bringing up children. Running my house with the DC only costs about £100 less a month now the ex doesn't live here, and no, I can't move anywhere cheaper . If he didn't help fund some of the one off extras (most of the time not really optional) then the kids wouldn't have any after school stuff or anything like that.

It really does depend on what the absent parent earns though, what the situation is, if there are other children to consider etc.

RacoonBandit · 07/02/2017 14:27

Yes Mam and you now have a DP who shares your household burden with you. Some exw dont have a dp so have to pay for everything.

RacoonBandit · 07/02/2017 14:30

Why dont you go through CSA She?

Original poster
Mamamc123 · 07/02/2017 14:38

Racoonbandit so does ExH. And I supported my children with the same financial arrangements with ExH whilst I was on my own for a long time.
And we also pay out for and look after my 2 DSDs.
Like a said, all a matter of opinion and what works best for each family.
I just wouldn't expect my ExH to be forking out all the time when he already gives a good amount to help out when they're in my care that's all.

OP posts:
RacoonBandit · 07/02/2017 14:45

Like a said, all a matter of opinion and what works best for each family.

So why pass such judgement against your friend?

Original poster
Mamamc123 · 07/02/2017 14:54

I'm not passing judgement, she asked me for my opinion and I gave it to her. It just seemed odd to me that she would assume it's a given that she could keep asking him for cash for things when he's already pulling his weight fairly?
I was just interested as to what others think because it's never crossed my mind to ask for extra as my ExH is already contributing

OP posts:
RacoonBandit · 07/02/2017 15:01

You have dressed it up as your opinion but really you are judging her. You think she should wind her neck in and because you dont ask for extra she shouldnt either.

I think she should distance herself from you tbh. Very nice of you to post her financial info over the internet too Hmm

Original poster
Mamamc123 · 07/02/2017 15:04

Racoonbandit 😂 That's a bit dramatic. I'm sure you can figure her finances and bank details etc from my anonymous post
Anyway thanks for your opinion, I respect that it's different to mine and it's good to hear it from other people's point of view

OP posts:
RacoonBandit · 07/02/2017 15:07

Not teally the Daily Mail is always picking up threads from here. I am sure your friend would recognise herself from the info you have given.

Original poster
Mamamc123 · 07/02/2017 15:08

😂😂😂 she should distance herself from me? She's sat at the desk next to me as we're discussing this thread

OP posts:
RacoonBandit · 07/02/2017 15:08

Yes yes of course you are Hmm

Original poster
Mamamc123 · 07/02/2017 15:09

Oh ok, I don't read the Daily Mail I wouldn't know. I thought this was an anonymous site hence the user names.

OP posts:
ladydeedy · 07/02/2017 15:11

I am with you 100% Mamamc123. Very glad to see/read the Voice of Reason and someone who sees things from both sides. Hurrah!

RacoonBandit · 07/02/2017 15:13

They would love a story like this Greedy ex wife demands more money from the poor ex husband to spend on her hair cuts and nails

RacoonBandit · 07/02/2017 15:14

But if as you say she is sat next to you discussing the thread and is happy with what you have wrote about her you have nothing to worry about.

TheOtherSideOfTheMoon · 07/02/2017 15:16

My XH and I have the children about half the nights each. He pays me maintenance but I pay for everything (clothes, all school dinners, children's clubs, pocket money, all school trips and scout/guide trips etc). Have occasionally asked for a contribution to things such as birthday parties but generally I don't. So that seems reasonable to me.

It slightly annoys me when people say "oh you shouldn't pay maintenance if you have them half the time - fine if you also pay half the costs but if you don't then it isn't really very fair.