What's your opinion on maintenance?

[Mamamc123]

Nothing wrong here and not asking for advice as such, just a difference in opinion during a discussion tonight and I wondered what everyone else's views are on how maintenance money is used and what it's expected to cover?
My friend and I are both mothers to our own bio kids and I am also SM to my DPs kids.
Friend was moaning how her ExH doesn't contribute enough financially to her daughter's expenses - he pays well above what the CSA calculator suggests and his daughter wants for nothing whilst she's with him.
She expects him on top of that to buy half of the children's clothes, school uniforms, shoes, activities/ clubs, extra childcare etc - which is exactly what my DP does for my DSDs.
However I think it's unreasonable to expect this much when a regular and fair amount of maintence is being paid and custody is split.
My ExH pays maintence for our children but in my opinion it is for all of those things and I don't expect him to "top-up" anywhere else. I don't think it's fair for a father to be paying for the mother to look after her own children when they are with her if that makes sense? I don't pay my ExH for the kids food etc when they are there.
If something like an expensive school trip or one off big expense then I think it's fair to go 50/50 on that, but in general if you're receiving 100s in maintence every month then you shouldn't always expect more.
Ps: I'm not talking about men who shirk their responsibilities or don't pay - I mean honest good dad's who pay their fair percentage of income and see their kids regularly.
What do you all think?

Racoonbandit you seem like you're trying to cause an argument as always 🙄

As always...sorry Mam i have no idea who you are and not even sure if we have posted on more than this thread together.

Care to give examples of me ALWAYS trying to cause arguments?

Maintenance should cover the normal basics (so child's portion of the house costs, food costs, normal clothing costs, 'normal' entertainment costs) but extra big costs like school uniforms or a special school trip ought to be contributed to separately.

That said, I'd bloody love to get 350 a month! My ex pays no child support so I get 150 euros a month from the State (live abroad) but there's always extra costs like medical bills which I've given up asking for a contribution towards.

OP have you stated how much you DH pays for his children? If so I apologise. How many does he have?

There seems to be a divide between wives who have stepchildren and single mums who struggle.

There is no perfect answer but my bills have not halved, my outgoings have not changed and I have gone full time and taken on an evening role. DH's outgoings are much less and he earns a huge amount of money. What he pays for DS is a drop in the ocean for him - for me it equates to half a mortgage. But I don't earn enough to get a mortgage on my own to move ...

My DH pays £500 a month for 2 and he also does the big extras like school bus pass for the eldest and helps towards trips etc.
I get that too Pieceof - it's hard doing it on your own sometimes I've done both. My DP and I are no better off together but we get by

Its interesting reading that people believe that the NRP has just as many outgoings due to keeping a bigger house when my exH has a one bed flat, and pays not one penny of maintenance. He can't afford it apparently. Also I agree £350 is nothing if you have a child under school age. That wouldn't cover half of childcare costs.

My ex paid nothing for my 2 after we split. That was ok as l was always the one that worked and he was,sahp. Him leaving saved me money. Would have been nice if had treated kids or payed for something. But he didn't. Anyway 10 years on he has no relationship with his children and that's his fault. It does not cost alot to keep children certainly not the £350 a month mentioned

RP do get help that NRP doesn't, CHB and WTC/CTC if they're on a low income. NRP doesn't get these if they're on a low income? Just a thought?

Maintenance should cover the normal basics (ie child’s portion of the house costs, food costs, normal clothing costs, normal entertainment costs)

No – maintenance is a contribution towards those things, not total payment of them.

Mam thats because they are the resident parent so have more costs and issues with working due to DC being with them the majority of the time. Do you think the nrp should be able to claim ctc?

Also wtc can be claimed by those on low income you dont need to have children.

No – maintenance is a contribution towards those things, not total payment of them

Obviously I meant they should cover the NRP's share of those costs, the size of the share depending on the NRP's income.

This question is totally pointless because it is different for every situation. Indeed, in some case, the NRP is with a new partner and together a better off, sometimes, it is the other way if NRP has to support new partner and new kids. Similarly, some PWC are alone and struggling whilst others are much better off with a new partner.

Also, £350 a month means nothing. It can be a huge amount of money or little depending on many factors, ie. age of the child, whether childcare is required, geographical location, transport etc...

Finally, I think there is an element of whether there is a fair expectation that children of divorce should be able to remain a similar lifestyle to when their parents were together if it is possible. Ie, say a teenager who has spent 10 years practicing tennis at a high level, doing competitions etc... should they have to give it up because the pwc cannot afford any longer to take them to training, afford competitions, training, new rackets etc... if the nrp could actually afford to pay for it in addition to the maintenance?

What I've seen is bitterness when children have to suddenly do with a lot less because the nrp suddenly finds himself supporting another partner and children who often end up having more opportunities, but nrp considers that he is doing the right thing because he is paying his minimum level of maintenance.

Raccoon - I have no reason to go through the CSA at the moment, mutual agreement is fine and I don't expect that to change.

Sorry She that post was meant for Little who was the poster above you.

I get £300 pcm for 2 DCs - that might sound like a lot - let's look at where it goes.

Ex had < 20 ONs, contact is random and I get no regular break. Thus I cover all his share of child care costs, school drop off, pick ups, school trips, uniform, clothing, food, entertainment and everything else.

So total for the year £3600 his share
Child care: £150pw - £7800 : £3900
Holiday childcare - 9 ws pa £120pw :£500
Football x2 : £300pa : £150
Swimming x2 : £400pa : £200
Sports kit x 2 : £300 : £150
School uniform, clothing,shoes,FoodElectricity, internet, computers, heating, water, travel to school, ,presents, birthday parties, holidays, child care during the holidays............

Yes I could stop the football and swimming but lets be honest - his paltry £3600 does not even cover what he should just be doing himself as a father!!! My child care bill is so big, because I pay for him to not be a responsible father! I work my butt off to cover my share of the costs and his, so he can support his new family at the expense of his own DCS.

I do not expect it all to be covered but someway to the costs and he is the one who wants the sport! Whilst i could turn round and say you want you pay, I know he will not and who will suffer the DCS who both love both activities.

Just so no one feels sorry for him - he earns over £110000 per annum!!!

I don't personally feel maintenance is for general bills - rent, electric etc. Those things have to be paid for regardless of the existence of tiny people in the house. I feel it should be for expenses incurred solely by virtue of having a kid; clothing, clubs, trips, childcare if applicable. However I realise not everyone is in a financially secure position and the money may need to be used flexibly for some households.

My OH used to pay over £400 per month for one child which I thought was absolutely outrageous (and going back to first few posts - £350 is way over the odds and feels like a woman preying on a mans guilt for being the one to leave the family home). Gradually over the years that has reduced to £230 which I think is probably still a little steep but nothing to quibble about. Each time we have had to ask to lower this amount due to new circumstances, it has never been volunteered. It's a very normal thing to just take everything you can get whether you think it's overly generous or not. Who turns down free money I guess. Seems really unreasonable of your friend to still then feel it isn't enough. She should speak to some other mums who get pennies from their exes.

It hasn't come up yet but OH will be paying half towards things like school trips (fair) and not that he feels he has to but he enjoys buying things like uniform and shoes at the beginning of each school year (what I consider a bonus and not to be expected) etc. Each parent then does holidays or treats and savings for SD individually.

I may be super controversial by saying this but I feel if custody is 50/50 there should be no maintenance, you are splitting all child related activities and costs equally, nobody is being expected to sacrifice more of their time or money than the other so why should anyone be reimbursed?

Don't think there's one size fits all. What I do think is unfair is when the NRP is covering all costs and the RP makes contact and time with the child difficult - not fair.

Realistically lifestyle may not be able to be maintained if the same amount of money now has to fund two houses or cars etc. There just isn't enough.

Wow. Welcome to Mansnet ...

Bahh has your Ohs job changed? Is he earning less?

Nope.

Depends how much she gets I think and as far as the CSA calculator is concerned ! Its a waste of space! If it took the cost of each child and halved it, then made NRP pay that amount it would be fair. £50 a month for 3 kids is not! So without knowing how much its hard to say.
He should be providing as close to 50% /50% as poss imo

Why do people bring up seeing the child, surely seeing the child or not doesn't mean they don't need things, you're not paying to see your child, your paying the NRP to provide for your child's needs.

So Bahh why is he paying less?

Bah I can tell you my children use more water and electricity than I do alone, so actually saying this should not be considered is unrealistic.

That's a very intrusive question purplesky :) as I said in my original post, new circumstances on both sides of the parenting unit.