What's your opinion on maintenance?

[Mamamc123]

Nothing wrong here and not asking for advice as such, just a difference in opinion during a discussion tonight and I wondered what everyone else's views are on how maintenance money is used and what it's expected to cover?
My friend and I are both mothers to our own bio kids and I am also SM to my DPs kids.
Friend was moaning how her ExH doesn't contribute enough financially to her daughter's expenses - he pays well above what the CSA calculator suggests and his daughter wants for nothing whilst she's with him.
She expects him on top of that to buy half of the children's clothes, school uniforms, shoes, activities/ clubs, extra childcare etc - which is exactly what my DP does for my DSDs.
However I think it's unreasonable to expect this much when a regular and fair amount of maintence is being paid and custody is split.
My ExH pays maintence for our children but in my opinion it is for all of those things and I don't expect him to "top-up" anywhere else. I don't think it's fair for a father to be paying for the mother to look after her own children when they are with her if that makes sense? I don't pay my ExH for the kids food etc when they are there.
If something like an expensive school trip or one off big expense then I think it's fair to go 50/50 on that, but in general if you're receiving 100s in maintence every month then you shouldn't always expect more.
Ps: I'm not talking about men who shirk their responsibilities or don't pay - I mean honest good dad's who pay their fair percentage of income and see their kids regularly.
What do you all think?

Oh and how do I know these figures:
Ex sat down with me to see what I was prepared to compromise on to help out - those were the figures he knew from their split.

I advised him to go to mediation, then go to court - I was not taking a penny less to allow her to play yummy mummy and slag me off on social media for working.

A cynical view could be that having DCs with multiple fathers enables a load of tax free income.... It would work.... I can see there would be people who could do that

Yes, because what single mothers need is an assumption that they are nothing other than slappers who are out to fleece as many men as possible. This kind of statement makes me want to weep.

A cynical view could be that having DCs with multiple fathers enables a load of tax free income.... It would work.... I can see there would be people who could do that

According to one report I read 40% of absent parents don't pay their maintenance in full - so it would be a rather daft plan for many women

Sorry needsahalo I didn't mean to offend, it astounds me that doing that is even possible, let alone that anyone would actually think of doing it, but as workingmums explained, the woman she knows now brings home £4k+ tax free as a result of her ....errrr... "career choice"? (For want of a better phrase)

I'm sure people like that are in the extreme minority, and well aware the majority of single mums struggle and would never suggest they shouldn't be helped out by the father

But even if it is a 'career choice', what has it got to do with anyone else? We all make choices, good, bad, indifferent. I see no issue with expecting a parent to support their children, regardless of what the other parent may do (or not do). That's the bottom line.

And whilst I'm at it, I am the 'victim' of an affair, but as far as I'm concerned, it's my now ex-husband who had to answer to me. Nothing at all to do with the other woman. She owed me nothing. That she behaved appallingly is something my ex needed to deal with - he didn't - but it was his choice to have an affair, his choice to not support his children. I am sure she has influenced (and that subsequent girlfriends have influenced) but the bottom line is my ex.

If, as women (as it is mainly women this issue affects), we stand united and refuse to slag off those who have children by multiple fathers (no derogatory comments on the father having children by multiple women, I note) and refuse to be friends with/have relationships with men who don't support their children, then we would begin to see a shift in how society manages these situations. Unfortunately, whilst we blame women and expect women to pick up the pieces without question and men get off scott-free, absolutely nothing will change. It is not OK to be thinking 'slags have children for money' let alone be writing it on a public forum yet so many do....

I agree with Ouriana, generally the NRP has much more opportunity to earn more than than the RP. So I think they should contribute more. It's not about the ex partner it's about their children and having the best life they can have.

needsahalo - it is my ex who answers to me.

However, that does not excuse those women and men who do have affairs. They are both wrong in my view. When the actions of the OW impact on my DCS -then a line has been crossed and I can blame her. She is responsible for her actions, words and the effects they have. That is not my Exs fault - opening his post so he never got the school pics I posted to him from the DCs, stopping access my numeorus crises etc etc.

Kids my multiple parents is difficult from whichever side you come from.

The majority of single mums are not as lucky as I am or my Exs Ex. However, the assumption of poor single mum on benefits can hide a huge variation in what that means - as I have demonstrated.

My income is irrelevant to the maintenance equation, it was relevant to her and EX whilst they funded their lavish lifestyle courtesy of depriving his DCs because they knew i would not deprive the DCs.( his choice and he knows my opinion on that)

Rightly or wrongly I get annoyed that my OH pays loads of maintenance, ex wife doesn't work but I have to work. It's crazy how the maintenance pretty much stays the same even when another child comes along (our DD)

Ex wife has income also from her new husband.

My OH pays out for loads of extras too.

Don't get me wrong DD and I don't go without but I still feel irritated that I go to work and she doesn't.

£350 is no way enough.
Contributions by absent parents are generally pathetic in my experience. They have no idea how much things cost.

My exh provides 600for 2 dc which is less than half his monthly salary. I however spend all of my 2000 a month salary on our house and running costs,kids clubs.outings,clothes etc. He lives rent free so he has way more disposable income than me. I ask for him to.pay for one child when we are on holiday.The dc do not stay over with exh and we have no fixed contact due to shifts so access days vary. He also pays for the pictures etc when he takes them.out. Works well for us.

Ex wife has income also from her new husband

Why would it be his responsibility to support someone else's children?

I am receiving £1490 a month for my two children in child maintenance.

Why? Because my ex is a very high earner and this amount is the minimum requirement as set by the CSA.

Do I spend £1490 a month on the children? Sometimes no, sometimes yes, sometimes more. They became used to a way a way of life with a very high earning father and neither my ex, me or indeed the CSA thinks that that should change significantly (it has changed. Money used to be no consideration whatsoever, now it is).

My point is, it all depends on the warning of the partner in question. Ittwelt unfair for a £150k a year (plus £40k bonus) not to be paying a significant child maintenance figure

Oh and ex Bas then two nights a month

It's relevant needshalo, even on the eyes of the court.
Because her monthly costs will be reduced

In some ways it is expected they would ie the student finance calculator takes into account the income of the person the RP is living with, not the NRP.

And when I've read of what makes a new partner good, treating their stepchild "as their own" seems to come up quite high.

Am hoping XH will still contribute something if/when the DC go to university but I know it's not something that you should rely on.

It's relevant needshalo, even on the eyes of the court.Because her monthly costs will be reduced

Only of divorcing.

Makes me laugh. Step mums shout very loudly about not supporting step children. At the same time expecting a new partner to do it.

Talk about double standards.

I'm not talking about supporting. And I'm talking about spousal maintenance, not child maintenance - my mistake.

A single mum living on her own is responsible for a costa relating to the household. Mortgage, bills etc.

When she co habits those costs fall.

The courts recognise that fact and spoisal maintenance is reduced.

Child maintenance is protected.
What reduces is if the ex partner has more children or if his salary drops.

I'm right in the middle of this, mediation and lawyers, so I'm fairly confident I know what I'm talking about and not just talking about what's fair / unfair / my opinion

There is no set agreement that works for everyone.

My exh pays 350 for one DC. I have 2 but DD1 is over 18 and so her DF does not pay anything for her. The 350 is for everything and he has only ever contributed to two school trips where DD2 would not go if he did not contribute as I could not afford the full amount. He does pay for her phone though. I have no problem with this and do not ask for more money.

DH, pays his ex 500 a month for DSS. DSS lives with us and spends 3 days with his DM. DH pays for everything, all his clothes, school dinners, trips. He voluntarily pays the 500 to help exw with costs for the 3 days DSS is with her a week. If exw wants to take DSS on holiday or out for the day, DH will pay for DSS. She regularly asks for more money. If she does buy DSS anything, she will give DH the receipt and ask for the money back.

If your friends exh is happy to pay more, then that is good for her and the kids. I do think that they majority of the time the CSA amount is all that is given and anything extra has to be paid by the RP.

Philoslothy I don't think it should be based on the earnings of the RP. DP and his ex have an agreement that works for them, the kids don't go without, ExW agrees that the amount is fair etc and DP pays for extras on top.
But ExW has recently suggested that my DP pays her more as she wants a career change that will mean a decrease in her earnings. DP doesn't see why he should pay her more because she made the decision to earn less.
As it is, DP couldn't afford to rent/buy a place of his own due to the maintenance, which is why I pay the bigger proportion of the mortgage and bills. He always has and always will provide for his DCs but ExW should too.

DP can’t afford to rent/buy a place of his own due to the maintenance, which is why I pay a bigger proportion of the bills. He always has and always will provide for his DCs, but the ex should too

Too right – providing for the children is the responsibility of both parents.

And if the DP in question can’t afford to house himself due to high maintenance payments, then he’s clearly paying too much .

My point is, it all depends on the warning of the partner in question. Ittwelt unfair for a £150k a year (plus £40k bonus) not to be paying a significant child maintenance figure
I agree, however, the two single mothers I know who receive a similar amount of maintenance (although in one case combined between three fathers) doesn't work and lives of the maintenance (and child benefit and tax credits). She even brags that she could afford to give up IS and not claim JSA when her youngest started school.

It's one thing to get a lot of money in maintenance and treat the kids accordingly, but to use that money for oneself is in my mind not far off stealing from them.

swing - so we know the same people- the exact three sets of maintenance benefits scenario I described earlier.

Yet I am the one slated on social media for working and providing for my DCs!!

I think there's two ways this should be looked at. The exh should provide as much as he can afford to whilst the children are young and the mum cannot work due to providing the majority of the childcare.

Once the children hit an age where they can take care of themselves and the mum has no need to be at home full time, it should be reviewed.

My OH has paid above CSA minimum throughout the children's lives. Whilst all the time he had lived as a pauper due to having to keep a home large enough for the kids to stay in through regular contact. The exW still to this day hasn't returned to work. When I met him he was shopping for clothes in charity shops whilst the exW was driving a very expensive car and living in a house that was beyond her needs.

Let's not forget that when they were married, he worked full time and she didn't. Ultimately he's had little pay rise in that time but maintenance takes a huge chunk out of that. The mum should adapt at some point as in a few years, that money won't be going to her so what will she do then? With my feminist head on I'm disappointed that she's not starting to build towards being self sufficient now.

And to the point of the new partner taking on responsibility of the new partners kids. Why not? If you're a couple committed to each other you pool your resources and manage finances accordingly. I pay for a lot for the stepkids as I'm the major earner. Future financial decisions are based on our joint income and resources. Family time is enjoyed with spare income from us both working and having extra income. I wouldn't dream of keeping my money separate to just our time without them.

My monthly costs

School lunches 40
Childcare 200
Dance lessons 55
Pocket money 12
School requests (charity days/bake sales/trips etc) 10
Brownies 10
Birthday party (hers) gifts & cards for friend's birthdays 20
School clothes/shoes/trainers/stationery 20
Kit for after school activities 10

This doesn't include any food at home, clothes/shoes for home, contribution to housing costs, petrol to get to activities, haircuts, toys, etc.

Exh sees her once a month, lives rent free with his parents and pays below CSA minimum. He has never paid a penny towards childcare (>£40k and counting) or to any household costs even when we were married.

Personally I see the maintenance as recovering some of the childcare costs (not that it will ever amount to 50% but there you go). I have always gone without in order to make up for his lack of contributions. It grinds my gears that he is happy to take the credit for dd's achievements but not contribute towards it.