Join me for a second glass of virtual prosecco

[WhoGivesAFlying]

Thought I'd start a new thread as the other is now full. Come and share you SPing problems here, it's a safe place and hopefully some other wise SM can offer advice or just a large drink!

Didn't you know you aren't allowed to have plans for after you drop them off just in case? and you can't have plans with the kids in case they do by chance want them home early

It's gin o clock here !

I started last night. Still no appreciation for anything I do from her mum and then dps family tagging things like I don't exist have felt very appreciated this weekend! Luckily dsd herself thanked me and her dad loves me for it haha. Otherwise I'd be off I think!

I should have known Matilda!

Well the drop off went horribly. The ex wasn't home, but her mother was. Cue 10 minutes of tears and screaming from DSS that he doesn't want to stay alone with his grandmother, and that his mother is never home until nighttime. He even tried to run out the door and back to DP. It's the first time he has ever done this, DP was very upset.

We still don't know what the ex does as she seems to 'work' in unpredictable patterns whenever the mood takes her. DP would talk to her about this, but the only time she will ever discuss DSS' welfare is when she is not getting her own way. I hate feeling like the evil stepmother, as I'm a mother too and have always sympathised with her to an extent, but she really doesn't seem to care, it's so sad.

just a rant...... it pisses me off when the selfish ex is a cow at the detriment to the child. Its one thing to be a cow to the adults but when it negatively impacts on the kids sure she should pull her head in and do what's right. 4yr old SS has speech delay and rather than take him for therapy as he needs she is hell bent on playing the blame game. its no ones fault and even if it was get the poor child help first and blame later. (and that's just the tip of the selfish ice burg)

I

WSM - one of my DSDs did have mild special needs, but neither DP or her Mum noticed until the school told them, twice! The first thing her mum did was to send her to live with DP (just before I moved in)! No wonder DSD gave me so much grief... Caught in the cross fire!

My DS has serious speech delay and I'm sure you know it's important to get your SS assessed right away - does SS go to nursery or preschool? If your DP has any input or contact there he could raise his concerns directly through them?

Batboobs I sympathize too - that must be very frustrating. For the children too, stability is important, and drop offs need to be simple and predictable. I don't have my step kids living with us anymore, so don't have that issue. But it was so hard when they did - apparently their mother and DP to some extent liked a 'loose arrangement' - which seemed only to work one way - ie we always got the kids much earlier then planned, if there was a plan, and dropped much later as their mother wasn't there and would just say that they could go to an empty house. Me and DP felt it wasn't great for the older siblings to be responsible for the younger ones in that way, so would keep them longer.

Just dropping back in.

Dp hadn't had his youngest here since Christmas. She refuses to come. She refuses his calls and ignores his texts. Except when it was her birthday, she answered that text to tell him what present she wanted.

He sees her once a week when we drop off my dd at an activity they both attend. She will not come over and say hello, he goes to her and she is reluctant to speak to him at all.

We have no idea why. She's 13 and even though I know she doesn't like me and doesn't want to come here, it doesn't explain why she won't even take his calls. He's asked her why and she says that it's too stressful coming here and he said why won't you talk on the phone and she shrugs.

I'm not sure I can continue forking out for expensive Christmas and birthday presents for her when she won't ever say thank you or even attempt to speak to her dad. Yes I'm feeling resentful!!

On the plus side, his oldest dd who is 20 is happy and settled with her bf, continues to have a great relationship with dp, me and my dds and I'm wracking my brains to think of a great present for her 21st.

Coffee - at least you have an older DSD who does get on with you all - otherwise youngest DSD may well have been able to plant a seed in your DPs mind that there was something wrong in his relationship. That is so selfish of your DSD, and so worrying too that at the age of 13 she has learnt that it is OK to treat someone who loves her so unkindly. How is that going to play out when she is older? I would let your DP do whatever he needs to, even if it is expensive presents, let it play itself out. It isn't the right thing to do, but his guilt won't hear that.

One of my DSDs does come round, once in a blue moon, but says it is 'uncomfortable'. I really hate that actually. She's 19 now, and honestly I just think, grow the hell up!! How dare she tbh. If I was difficult, fair enough. But I'm not, but that is what the underlying insinuation is - that 'if I wasn't there' she would have no problem. Not nice.

Dp has blamed me for his youngest not coming over but after her accusing me of stealing all her socks, phone charger, keys and other random stuff and after she told her mum I'd said we were too busy to see her (I wasn't there and couldn't have said it - dp was there and is baffled) I think he's starting to see that it's nothing to do with me or my kids but he doesn't know what the issue is.

Oldest told us that his ex badmouths us relentlessly and this may well be the cause but it's hard to be the scapegoat when a) their break up was his exes fault, she left him and I met dp two years later b) I've tried so hard to organise days out for us all, encouraged time on their own and been the one dropping off at school etc and c) I've not tried to parent her but been accused of treating her different so started parenting her and got accused of picking on her.

I really am done with making any more effort. I've got enough going on with my own dds and my health.

Jeez....I thought I'd had it bad!!!

Wow Coffee that does sound particularly nuts! And totally exhausting. You need respite... !

Hi Bananas, back in Nov we paid for a private weekend assessment and then sent the referral to MOE, they contacted the mum and she did nothing, I followed up recently (on behalf of DP who doesn't have an office job so difficult to follow up) they confirmed nothing was done, followed up with her and allshe did was tell them they couldn't speak to me, Not actually do anything
is so frustrating

Is there an opposite of Disney dad? I feel like we have dsd every weekend and every time she comes it's like starting again in a battle to get her to actually listen to us/not answer back. Treats are taken away etc and if we do get anywhere it's then time for her to go back and I feel like we just spend all weekend giving her into trouble

WSM that does sound VERY frustrating. And also so hard for you and DP, having absolutely no control, even paying for a private assessment. It's just not on to delay a child's development, and so in denial of the mother too - I mean she could get extra money or support possibly - shooting herself in the foot too.

Matilda I guess it's good that you are both trying to create a structure, but then it must feel quite exhausting if that is all the weekend gone. I wonder if you could turn it topsy turbo one weekend, bring her to another environment completely, for example to an animal shelter or voluntary work with people who she would have trouble being rude to - show her compassion?

I'm still 'on the counseling' with DP - we've separated. He still seems to resent a lot about his relationship with his kids - but it all seems to get taken out on me - which has been useful to actually get out in the open.

Logically he sees that it has not been fair at all, and that I have been a scapegoat. I've had enough with the stress and I tell you all it's been absolute bliss not to have any moody step children blaming me for everything for a while!

She does eventually come around by Sunday's normally just you feel like you're wasting so much time moaning hopefully it's also due to school and once she has a break she might be better she is generally well behaved with everyone but us and takes pride in letting us know that she's very good in school

That was a tough weekend.

Normally dp and I parent equally. Last few years we've had a lot of kicking off from dss, the you're not my mum you can't tell me what to do. I've backed away totally, he's been exceptionally articulate about how much he doesn't want me in his life. Sat night dss was winding dd1 up at bedtime (he winds and winds then stands back and watches them go). Had to bring dd1 downstairs to calm down and told dss he should come down too as he had wound her up, and should also experience the consequences. Ended badly, dp said I was unreasonable and resulted in a short argument that we had one child in the family that wouldn't do anything I asked, and that he was reinforcing that.

Really pissed off with him. He's now abroad, and I feel shirt because I hate arguing with him, let along being cross with him the night before he travels. He's now abroad for work until Tues night, I'm still cross with him and not sure I want to say much until I've calmed down. Ffs, if he'd dealt with dss and this whole attitude 4 years ago when it began instead of telling me it would sort itself. No it's not, it's built resentment.

Ignore most of that. Monday morning grumbling

Bats That is really sad. Must be really hard for all of your. How old is DSS? Why is scared of his grandmother?

Need What consequences does DSS have for being mean? Can he have an earlier bedtime to 'allow him to wind down on his own'? Do they share a room?

I know I'm not supposed to feel this way but I get really anxious about this time of year as we hurtle towards endless bloody school holidays.

I just don't ever feel relaxed at home when DSS is there and he is incapable of doing the tiniest thing for himself because his parents do everything for him. Some of it naturally tips over onto me when he's with us and this is so much more of a chore when it's a week or two at a time, instead of a weekend.

How can I be more resilient and tune it out?

Claude some of it naturally tips over onto me - I think that is so true. Living with DSCs, particularly for longer stretches, means we as step parents cannot just step back, it's just impossible. So there has to be some cooperation - and I mean directly from the step children to us as step parents.

If that doesn't happen, or our partners undermine any call for their kids to cooperate (within reasonable bounds), then we don't have any control over the stress on us. I'm not sure that you can 'tune it out' Claude... Go away yourself maybe but kind of defeats the object!

Need I identify with the 'should have sorted it out 4 years ago' - especially if you have other children you have to sort things out to be fair to all. Do you think you were fair on DSS and your DD? If so, then you should be able to directly take action if either child is causing upset.

Yes, bananas, that's true - thanks for understanding.

I think that at 11 he should be able to do lots of things. For example, he cannot/does not:

• lay or clear the table
• put his dirty laundry in his own laundry basket (it gets screwed up back in drawers)
• shower or wash his hands after loo without prompting
• strip his own bed or put new linen on

Not sure how normal that is for that age. I just feel like a hotel chambermaid when he is there. DH jumps in and does everything for him. I know that is not DSS's fault but it's turning him into a little princeling - he now expects it.

He is supposed to be getting himself to and from school this September and then getting himself a snack when he gets home alone. I can't see it happening.

Hay bananas, she is absolutely scamming the system, living for free with her mum and Fiancé (according to rumour they are engaged) yet claiming single parent etc benefit so extra funding isn't really a motivator for her as she has plenty, but its just sad when a 4 year old can be understood (at about a 2-3 year level) and its really hard to tell if other things are a result of his frustration with his inability to communicate OR something else. The only way to find out is to get him help and possibly further diagnosis, but she just isn't bothering
Claude, I understand where you are coming from, I have asked that the kids cant come in our bedroom so I have a sanctuary, but I was ignored and told they are kids, so I just go out when I need a break while I keep working on the bedroom thing