How do you cope with resentful Ex of DP and DM of step kids? Does it get easier?

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I've noticed that this has come up a few times recently on the boards here - and I don't want to start a riot! I genuinely would like to hear anyone's experiences of DM to your step kids. This isn't to say all DMs are spiteful/resentful at all. However, it seems a bit taboo for a SM to admit to any problems - as if we as SM are somehow in the wrong in the first place just for being there.

My story - DPs Ex said that she liked me at first, I made a real effort to be respectful. Now she stirs up trouble even though I wasn't the OW and have now been with DP for several years. Ex -

• ignores me totally - pointedly
• tells her kids that I'm not their parent and they don't have to do anything I ask
• sends the kids over to our house whenever she liked
• undermines things I try to do with the kids
• used to constantly phone the house when the kids were here to speak to DP about trivial things at inappropriate times
• asked for increased maintenance after me and DP had a baby.

These aren't the worst things that I've heard on this board, and some things have got a lot better. She does love her kids. However, she just doesn't care if it works with me and DP in our household with the kids, and will happily make it more stressful. This has ultimately made it harder for her kids to accept me, and for them to feel happy with us without feeling disloyal to their mother.

DP likes to avoid confrontations too so has aquiesced in the past leaving our relationship vulnerable. She is horrible to DP if he doesn't do what she wants, but she does apologise to him afterwards as she wants to rely on him still, likes feeling that he is there for her. With me, she has never apologised and doesn't care, I'm not useful to her.

It just seems all a bit unnecessary, and totally out of my control. Do we just silently take it? Bite our lips and hope any stirring up with DSCs doesn't affect us?

Personally I'd rather eat my own toe than have any kind of relationship with the exw.

I tried in the beginning, but she's just been a complete bitch for no apparent reason from the outset, so all these years later I just let her get on with it.

spice try the card? I'm quite sure it would be appreciated?

Minniedriver, here's another angle, my x was so abusive to me that I'm relieved that there is another adult present when the dc are with him. I don't respect her because I think that she's another version of me how I was, with low self-esteem, a people pleaser, afraid to challenge him. I've had psychotherapy and worked on myself. So I don't respect her, I pity her, but still, I'm glad she's there, as my x is playing the part of happy family dad for her benefit, to show that I was the chaotic, dramatic impetuous woman who left him on a whim. I don't respect a wet lettuce though. I didn't deserve respect either when I was with him.

Slightly different angle from the norm though, I realise.

Ooft, I was being light hearted. I'd never send that cow a card

Sorry you ex was a twat mine isn't though. I'm sure she will figure it out herself soon enough

It's kind of surprising, the idea that my xh's new gf might expect me to try and chat to her or something. Or respect her? Or be grateful to her? I had never thought about that. I saw it as her (slightly odd, imo) choice to hang around when his dc are there.

Minnie

I'm sure she doesn't slight perhsps she is 'hanging around' your ex rather than your DC in particular?

Not sure that being in a relationship with someone means that they're 'hanging around'

M1nnie and NotThe you are making me laugh which is exactly what I needed today

'Hanging around' its a bit hard not to when DP lives in the house you own so its where DSD has her room and stays on his contact time

PinkGinny, I read your posts and I totally agree with everything you've said. You haven't 'ranted' or made personal attacks, Infact, from what I've read, certain posters have took everything you've said completely out of context and twisted your words.
fastday and Leopard in particular have appeared to just want to have a pop at you.
It was my turn yesterday wasn't it Minnie ?.

Fox I don't think abused women are wet or weak of any of those things. I'm surprised you don't have more empathy. Maybe she is scared of what your ex might do to the kids if she weren't "hanging around" and stays for their sake.

I can't remember what I was taking out of context yesterday?

Alongcame did you read the post that HQ deleted?

Ooh I missed it what did it say fast?

I missed it as well. I bet it was really sweet

It must have been lovely, especially if along agreed with it

I recognise very well what pinkginny has tried to express.

You meet someone, fall in love, make plans. You have children together who you both love and are fortunate to be able to share so both get to spend as much time with them as possible. You have and continue to discuss values and principles about raising them and you are reassured that you are on the same level.

Then suddenly, your life is thrown upside down and all the above stability is being taken away from you. You suddenly have to share your child with a woman who just don't have the same interest in the welfare of your child as you do and you see the only other main person in your child's life changing their principles and values in the opposite direction to what it used to be.

The reality is that ultimately, you have no choice but to accept it because that's the way it is, but doing so can be mentally and psychologically painful. This pain will be dealt with in a very different way if the 'other' woman shows a bit of sympathy towards that pain compared to the 'other' woman reinforcing the fact that they have no choice in the matter.

Spitefulness usually comes from displaced pain. If you are hurting, you want those who are if not the cause, the outcome of that pain to hurt to.

I really do believe that a SM who doesn't come into the relationship expecting to make too much change into the dynamics, but who is instead prepared for these changes to take place naturally with time will make her life much easier in the long term.

Okay swing they may be hurting but that does not mean that a woman, getting into a relationship with a man who has kids, has to just accept being treated like shit by the mother of those kids! What gives an Exw the right to do whatever she wants, speak to aboutthe new partner how ever she want just because she is a mother?

I was very angry when I heard what DPs exw had said about me when she knew nothing about me or my life. I tried to speak directly to her about it and she went apeshit telling me to butt out? But that's okay because her life hasn't turned out as she planned, she can try and make mine a mysery too? No chance!! Back off or expect the same as you give! Being upset does not give you the right to upset someone or start vicious untrue rumours about them

I do see your point swing
*
But* - the description of falling in love, planning futures, children etc - is what has happened to US as well!

We just fell in love. With someone with children with someone else. It's not our fault that you are bitter and resentful.

We are currently going through a time of peace in my situation. As far as I'm concerned that will continue, but if I feel personally under attack for no reason then I will retaliate.

A simple 'I'm kind of struggling to get my head round this my exH being happy you being part of my DC life, I need some tome' would suffice. Personal attacks out if nowhere will not be tolerated in m1nnies world

swing - all you say may be true of those mums who didn't want their marriages to end, but what about those who aren't the injured party? The ones who had affairs, the ones who choose to throw away the stability you refer to and yet who still castigate their ex for getting involved with someone else, and who resent their ex's new partner for entering into a relationship with their cast-offs?

All too often it is assumed that the bitter ex is the wronged party, yet so many times you see on MN the disclaimer from stepmums "i wasn't the OW, she had an affair".

It does appear that some mums find it hard to live with rhe consequences of their "mistake" and resent the woman who has a relationship with the man they discarded.

Perhaps realising what they had when it's too late might be a more common problem than let on?

My DH's ex didn't want him but she didn't want anyone else to have him. She was so bitter at the beginning.

I have long suspected this was a common theme in some of the situations on here.

Mascara that is precisely it.

She didn't want him, but she wanted him available for childcare, etc.

She chucked dp out, moved another bloke in THE SAME DAY, and for some reason, seems to think that years down the line, she can just click her fingers and he will do just what he's told, as he did in the marriage. Well, tough shit.