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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How do you cope with resentful Ex of DP and DM of step kids? Does it get easier?

529 replies

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 02/11/2015 15:36

I've noticed that this has come up a few times recently on the boards here - and I don't want to start a riot! I genuinely would like to hear anyone's experiences of DM to your step kids. This isn't to say all DMs are spiteful/resentful at all. However, it seems a bit taboo for a SM to admit to any problems - as if we as SM are somehow in the wrong in the first place just for being there.

My story - DPs Ex said that she liked me at first, I made a real effort to be respectful. Now she stirs up trouble even though I wasn't the OW and have now been with DP for several years. Ex -

ignores me totally - pointedly
tells her kids that I'm not their parent and they don't have to do anything I ask
sends the kids over to our house whenever she liked
undermines things I try to do with the kids
used to constantly phone the house when the kids were here to speak to DP about trivial things at inappropriate times
asked for increased maintenance after me and DP had a baby.

These aren't the worst things that I've heard on this board, and some things have got a lot better. She does love her kids. However, she just doesn't care if it works with me and DP in our household with the kids, and will happily make it more stressful. This has ultimately made it harder for her kids to accept me, and for them to feel happy with us without feeling disloyal to their mother.

DP likes to avoid confrontations too so has aquiesced in the past leaving our relationship vulnerable. She is horrible to DP if he doesn't do what she wants, but she does apologise to him afterwards as she wants to rely on him still, likes feeling that he is there for her. With me, she has never apologised and doesn't care, I'm not useful to her.

It just seems all a bit unnecessary, and totally out of my control. Do we just silently take it? Bite our lips and hope any stirring up with DSCs doesn't affect us?

OP posts:

PrettyBrightFireflies · 04/11/2015 21:03

As an aside my former husband's style and approach to parenting is being influenced by her approach to parenting (presumably for an easy life and to ensure his home comforts continue); I will fight that influence to the best my ability. It is not how he and I agreed to raise our children. Her questionable morals, selfishness and way of life are not influences I am prepared to accept.

People change. I have raised my daughter in an entirely differently from the way her dad and I agreed when we were together. Fortunately, he recognises the damage that would be caused to DD by "fighting that" and accepts that when our marriage ended, his ability to influence my parenting ended, too.

It does make me laugh when exW's froth about the influence the "new woman" has on their former DH - if he's such a helpless soul incapable of his own thoughts and opinions, then who was pulling his strings when they were married?

fastdaytears · 04/11/2015 21:05

I like how the OW has "questionable morals" but her husband who was shagging around when married is the one being led astray. At the best it's got to be six of one.

Can you agree how to raise children before you've started it? Surely everyone's kids would be sat around eating organic hemp muesli and no screen time until secondary school if you had to stick with what you "agreed" at the start

WhoGivesAFlying · 04/11/2015 21:08

I've totally changed my own rules on how I imagined bringing up my own DS.....he's had a happy meal, God forbid

fastdaytears · 04/11/2015 21:12

Oh dear WhoGives. You'll be bringing his next one to him in a young offenders institute most likely.

Did a stepmum make you do it?

leopardstick · 04/11/2015 21:15

Prettybright makes a good point. I feel like I see a lot of men taking on the parenting values of the mother. It's kind of how we're brought up to believe it works. Did we actually sit down and agree how to parent... Or did we kind of do it our way to begin with and assume our man's lack of protest equalled proactive support?

My DH's ex would say he'd changed his parenting values since he's been with me, I'd probably say he's seen the light

They aren't helpless fools blindly following their penis but they take influence from those around them and from their own instincts and over time develop a way of parenting just like all of us women do.

leopardstick · 04/11/2015 21:18

And actually all of these kids will be just fine if we all chill out a bit. As some of you have such strong opinions I imagine you will have done the research already and know that children from families where the parents have separated only really face negative outcomes where the main care giver holds and shares a negative feeling toward the situation. As with most things, children can be coaxed in to security and happiness through feeding off the adults they trust.

But hey, if you've got that axe to grind and it makes you feel good - why not?

PinkGinny · 04/11/2015 21:21

Was that addressed to me leopard? Assuming so, pray tell who am I hurting? My children are hurt how by spending 10 days with their mother? Or 2 from 3 of them having a DVD and pizza with their mum, whilst their elder sibling is at the cinema with their dad? Jesus, poor hard done to kids.

And fastday - who isn't it much fun for? And my ex and I are totally on the same page on this matter - he has no desire for a third party to look after the children when he can't either? Perhaps, not unsurprisingly, his partner has no desire to look after three children who are not her own and so my insistence on doing so suits them both well. I don't know and frankly do not care.

Ah Peruvian my old friend. How are you?

My former husband is indeed a weak man, anything for an easy life for sure! Was I pulling his strings, quite possibly. I am in no doubt that I am not the one pulling his strings now, and indeed have no desire to do so - does that mean I have to accept without challenge material change in his approach to parenting our children? Does it hell. An example, eldest child caught smoking - his approach buy her cigarettes and ration access. Should I just shrug at accept. I think not; not an attempt to control his decision but because I genuinely believe that is without a doubt an utterly shit decision and I would be doing my child a a real disservice to accept & agree.

fastdaytears · 04/11/2015 21:24

Absolutely what Leopard said. I remember being asked by someone well meaning how I felt about having step parents and older step siblings when I was about 9 and being totally confused because I had no idea that having extra adults in your life to love you and buy you stuff was ever going to be a bad thing. But that's because my mum who was my main care giver was really positive about everything.

PinkGinny · 04/11/2015 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

fastdaytears · 04/11/2015 21:27

Pinkginny yes it doesn't sound fun to me for your children but you know them and you think it works.

Smoking was always going to be a contentious one. You can't think that without the evil stepmum you would have agreed on that?

Have you got any advice for the OP or are you just here to vent? Can MN set up an anti-stepmum topic to separate this out. I'm sure lots of mums need support dealing with horrid stepmums but also lots of stepmums need support and that's what this topic is for.

fastdaytears · 04/11/2015 21:28

Oh so you've come on to vent AND to make personal attacks. Super.

PinkGinny · 04/11/2015 21:40

But why doesn't it sound fun fastday? What bit exactly? The extra time with their mum, the pizza, the DVD - I'm lost The general position agreed between my former husband and I that the best place for a child to be is with a parent? Please be specific.

I didn't come to vent at all. I responded to the post before mine about the difference in perception between bitterness & defensiveness. Then answered the questions asked. Then responded to the general tone with like for like.

Personal attacks? Really? Where? A bit like 'some of you have such strong opinions and will have done the research' or 'some ex-wives' perhaps? Are those personal attacks too?

Smoking - I am pretty confident that had my former husband and I still been together then my teenager daughter would not be getting cigarettes bought for her. I might even go as far to say a certainty. Neither of us smoked; his new partner does and explained to him that it was so difficult to give up that he was being unreasonable in expecting our daughter to do so. I have failed to find any research which supports the view that the best way to assist someone in stopping smoking is to buy them cigarettes.

WhoGivesAFlying · 04/11/2015 21:42

It was my inner SM fastday....she's a right cow

fastdaytears · 04/11/2015 21:42

The personal attack was the comment about someone coming on here to give advice when they have "failed spectacularly". That's a really genuinely horrendous thing to say.

PinkGinny · 04/11/2015 21:43

Oh and for the record my former husband doesn't have questionable morals - he has shit morals. As far as I am aware and am often told on here that doesn't make him a shit father- he isn't as far as it goes. Or wasn't until the cigarettes buying shenanigans, that's the whole easy life thing again. He is an utter cock - but he is the father of my children and as such has a role.

His OW / now partner. Not so much.

UmbongoUnchained · 04/11/2015 21:49

Thank god my ex has nothing to do with my child. This all sounds so stressful!

m1nniedriver · 04/11/2015 22:04

The more I'm on this page and hear some mothers ranting the more fantastic DPs exW looks and she ain't all that I can tell Ya!

fastdaytears · 04/11/2015 22:08

Well that's a bonus m1nnie! Send her some now and you can be besties. Turns out you didn't do too badly in the DP'sEx lottery!

PrettyBrightFireflies · 04/11/2015 22:12

The personal attack was the comment about someone coming on here to give advice when they have "failed spectacularly". That's a really genuinely horrendous thing to say.

What did I miss?

WhoGivesAFlying · 04/11/2015 22:22

Ain't that the truth m1nnie !

m1nniedriver · 04/11/2015 22:30

I'll pass on sending her flowers, but it's a lovely thought

fastdaytears · 04/11/2015 22:31

Ok no on the flowers. Do they make a card saying "you're a bit of a cow but I found out from the internet that it could be a whole lot worse"?

m1nniedriver · 04/11/2015 22:32

I'll send her a happy birthmum card on mithers day, I'm sure she would like that

fastdaytears · 04/11/2015 22:34

Genius

m1nniedriver · 04/11/2015 22:50

Always happy to try and forge an amicable relationship with her who must be obeyed

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