How do you cope with resentful Ex of DP and DM of step kids? Does it get easier?

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I've noticed that this has come up a few times recently on the boards here - and I don't want to start a riot! I genuinely would like to hear anyone's experiences of DM to your step kids. This isn't to say all DMs are spiteful/resentful at all. However, it seems a bit taboo for a SM to admit to any problems - as if we as SM are somehow in the wrong in the first place just for being there.

My story - DPs Ex said that she liked me at first, I made a real effort to be respectful. Now she stirs up trouble even though I wasn't the OW and have now been with DP for several years. Ex -

• ignores me totally - pointedly
• tells her kids that I'm not their parent and they don't have to do anything I ask
• sends the kids over to our house whenever she liked
• undermines things I try to do with the kids
• used to constantly phone the house when the kids were here to speak to DP about trivial things at inappropriate times
• asked for increased maintenance after me and DP had a baby.

These aren't the worst things that I've heard on this board, and some things have got a lot better. She does love her kids. However, she just doesn't care if it works with me and DP in our household with the kids, and will happily make it more stressful. This has ultimately made it harder for her kids to accept me, and for them to feel happy with us without feeling disloyal to their mother.

DP likes to avoid confrontations too so has aquiesced in the past leaving our relationship vulnerable. She is horrible to DP if he doesn't do what she wants, but she does apologise to him afterwards as she wants to rely on him still, likes feeling that he is there for her. With me, she has never apologised and doesn't care, I'm not useful to her.

It just seems all a bit unnecessary, and totally out of my control. Do we just silently take it? Bite our lips and hope any stirring up with DSCs doesn't affect us?

fastday no I didn't read the deleted post, although if it was offensive to you and one or two others then I wouldn't really blame PinkGinny as I presume she felt like a few of you were goading her, I would've felt that way anyway.
Minnie, you like to push people's buttons don't you?

Firstly you had a pop at Nickifury, then me and now PinkGinny, just because we've tried to post about our own experiences. It is a free forum afterall.
You're making snide comments, which are obviously aimed at ex W's in general, and as regards to your Dh's ex, you clearly have nothing but pure contempt for her, what with all the constant name calling. Usually when people show such hatred towards someone it's often down to pure jealousy of that person.

molly MNHQ only deletes posts if they decide that it has broken the talk guidelines.
I think it's reasonable to assume that pinks deleted comment was unacceptable, not just a case of oversensitivity on the part of a few posters.

Along, do you not think that stepparents have the right to vent / defend themselves in the Step Parenting part of the board then?

along you seem unable to accept what anyone tells you. I'm not goading you, seems anything I say goads you so I really don't need to try unless you want me to it was you that brought up something I said yesterday? I still don't know what your talking about, I tend not to remember people's nicknsmes in here after s thread has finished, so hold no malice. You on the other hand do seem to.

Your right, I don't like her, why would I? She had treated me terribly, but we are amicable for the time being. Past experience tells me this won't last past me and DP buying the SC their Christmas oresents call me cynical! I'm perfectly happy with my life, in not jealous of anyone I am slightly jealous of anyone that speaks to gerrard butler

Okay swing they may be hurting but that does not mean that a woman, getting into a relationship with a man who has kids, has to just accept being treated like shit by the mother of those kids! What gives an Exw the right to do whatever she wants, speak to aboutthe new partner how ever she want just because she is a mother?

Of course it doesn't but something must have happened before it got to this point, and what might have hurt her could very well be something you had no idea you were doing. As it's been said before, a mum can feel very hurt by a SM trying to take over parenting roles shortly after meeting the child, so whereas the SM might think they are being caring by say putting the child to bed, reading them a book, giving them a cuddle and telling them that they are so happy to have them in their lives, for a mum who has been the one doing this every night since they were born, it can be a hurtful thing to go through.

It's not our fault that you are bitter and resentful. I hope by 'you' you mean mothers, not me personally!

The thing is that it is not about who is at fault. My OH sometimes does things that hurt me, but it's not his fault, he just doesn't realise that he is doing something that hurts my feelings. In that case, I explain why it hurts me, try to make him see my perspective on it, and then he realises why I got hurt by something that wasn't intended, and he doesn't do it again. Same thing the other way around. The problem in this instance is that both parties are stuck in trying to defend their own feelings rather than trying to understand the other.

I am not trying to defend mothers in anyway, I am just trying to describe the feelings they go through to maybe help to understand their perspective. I totally accept that some mothers are totally unreasonable and just....well, stupid but I think there are quite a few who seem nasty, but in other circumstances would be very pleasant.

Ultimately as a rule, the happier the mother, the least likely she will cause trouble. After all, the one think SM have in common generally, is that they are happy in love, and that's a lot more than many ex can say.

Sorry swing, of course that was the generic 'you'

Great post by the way.

and that's a lot more than many ex can say

what an odd comment...only step mums and their new partners are happy in love? I think some of the 'bitter' and 'resentful' comments scream unhappiness, it's a default setting, 'I don't like what you're saying so I'll call you bitter' rather than come up with a reasonable, reasoned argument in any given circumstance.

swing you seem way to understanding and sensible are you sure your a mum of course I jest!!

My saying that is not about mothers in general, I think we are all biased depending on out situation perhaps

I am just trying to describe the feelings they go through to maybe help to understand their perspective. I totally accept that some mothers are totally unreasonable and just....well, stupid but I think there are quite a few who seem nasty, but in other circumstances would be very pleasant.

It's a good point. Given how many hurdles a prospective stepmum has to overcome, being able to "look at the situation from the mums perspective" is often way down the priority list.
When a new stepmum is trying so hard to be rational, mature and adult, it can be the last straw when the ex behaves like a hurt child, and compassion and empathy mat be in short supply.

SWING in my case my mere existence her ex's life is what hurts her, when he with her he suffered anxiety (partly due to her attitude) and with Me he has the confidence to sit in a restaurant (as an example) so we go out (on rare occasions because we are skint thanks to child support). Simple "normal" things like that start her off if she happens to find out about it.
Leopard and Minnie Wow you guys could be me, of course you cant stand someone who is nasty just for the sake of it.
Others- yes I get she thinks I "stole" her family, But I didn't, she hooked up with a new guy 3 weeks after they broke up and he moved in within a week, however when me and my partner got together he had to jump through hoops just to introduce them to me (months down the track) she needs to realise she still has her family, its just the structure is different now. Its still two parents and two kids, its just the parents live in different houses (which is more common than not nowdays)

In may case I think I am the convenient 'punch bag' for the Ex - for what I can only guess - for feeling lonely, for not being a doormat for her, for just existing. It's easier than blaming anyone else. She also does this to DP - if basically he doesn't do what she wants. I think he did everything while they were married.

Even though I met DP 5 years after their separation, and was careful to not 'over parent' and was I think, considerate and sensitive in the beginning.

Wow there's many posts describing ex wives as horrible/bitches etc!
For those of you who've slated ex wives, you should remind yourself that your partners obviously thought we were pretty ok once upon a time, especially as they wanted to have our children! Therefore, either we can't be that bad, or your partners are crap judges of character! If it's the latter, what does that say about you?

I've also noticed that a fair few of you on here are most likely not even married to your "DP'S", yet you consider yourselves 'stepmothers' , and expect the ex wives to 'respect' you as such!

Imo, you are just dad's 'girlfriends' and nothing more, so back off with your expectations to play a 'parental' role to our children please as you could be history this time next year

Literally one of the most childish posts I've read and there is some crazy stuff on this site.

People change which is why relationships end. The exwives who people have issues with were probably different years ago, and more importantly are probably lovely to other people in other contexts.

This thread is specifically about the relationship with the stepmums. It's also for support for stepmums. There are plenty of places to go an have arguments about whatever you want to. It's not them and us because plenty of mums have come on to help the OP. You really haven't though have you?

Why can't there be a step-parenting thread without a bun fight?

Goodness, alongcameMolly you haven't read the thread, have you?

Posters are talking about women who have assaulted them, harassed them, stolen from them, damaged their reputation and publicly bad mouthed them! Are you suggesting that criminal behaviour in ex-wives towards their ex's new partners is beyond reproach?

As for not being married, I think you need to be careful what you wish for. A married stepmum has the legal right to apply to court for contact with your DCs, irrespective of the length of the marriage or whether the DC has lived with them full time. Unmarried stepparents only secure that right after two years of living with the DC. It is definitely not in the interests of a hostile ex for the stepmum to marry the DCs dad.

That post is rank misogyny Molly.

I still don't get why ex partners can't just try to have an amicable relationship with the new partner. We're not asking to be friends and most( if not all) of us don't want to parent the children of our dps. We just support them and want why's best for the kids. Because at the end of the day they are the most important ones.

I don't understand why some mums or dads are hell bent on making life difficult by essentially using the kids as pawns and making them sub consciously pick a side. It's just bizzare to me.

I would want to know the person living with my children when they visit their other parent just for peace of mind to get a feel for what type of person they are.

MOLLY- My partner is dumbfounded by the change in his previously nice ex, he says she used to avoid conflict but now goes out of her way to google nasty links about sexual encounters/positions (among other things) to send us. So yes people change and often not for the better. As pretty said this post is about how to cope with the nasty ones, those who are fortunate to have good relationships don't NEED this

molly you seem to be putting all SM in the same boat here? You've pretty much summed up the jealous exw to a tee I read that and actually feel sorry for you, it must be a fairly miserable existence being so angry and harbouring such hate ... Have a break, Have a kitkat, lighten up and I'm sure you'll be a happier person for it. I feel sorry for your children and anyone else you come on contact with

I don't understand why some mums or dads are hell bent on making life difficult by essentially using the kids as pawns and making them sub consciously pick a side. It's just bizzare to me.

I think in some cases, it's a total polarisation of values.

I've known mothers who insist that it is damaging to the DCs for their ex to enter into a new relationship at all - they believe in "staying single for the sake of the DCs".

The animosity towards the stepmum in those cases isn't personal - it is what she represents, not who she is, that the ex is attacking.

Other stepmums I have spoken to have said that it is the overlap between the two "lives" that the ex objects to. The ex has no objection to the father of her DCs remarrying, but his life with his new DW should be independent to his life with his DCs. Court applications have been made, citing the requirement for the stepmum to leave her home on contact weekends, not because she is believed to be a risk to the DCs, but because the ex considers her to have no place in her DCs lives. The stepmum sharing a home with her DCs is considered overstepping.

It's impossible to compromise, or agree to disagree, when the expectations of each parent are so different.

Yep Pretty, My partners ex said he could see his kids as often as he wanted so long as they weren't near me or my house (trouble there is he lives with me) he agreed so long as any other nastiness toward me/us stopped (meanwhile she lives with her boyfriend). It didn't. And when she wanted to go away for a week and for him to have them she again expected him to stay somewhere for the week with them (totally impossible) so because the nastiness hadn't stopped he had them at home for the week.
That was a bit waffly but to me the overlap issue (in this case at least) was just an excuse to be difficult disguised as a compromise

Court order to leave your own home because your DPs ex doesn't want you there bloody hell, someone please restore my faith in humanity!!

I think that was requested by a RP rather than actually agreed by the court. I've certainly never seen anything like that.

Please tell me these orders weren't put in place I think that is the most shocking thing I've read on MN!