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Step-parenting

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Original poster

How do you cope with resentful Ex of DP and DM of step kids? Does it get easier?

529 replies

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 02/11/2015 15:36

I've noticed that this has come up a few times recently on the boards here - and I don't want to start a riot! I genuinely would like to hear anyone's experiences of DM to your step kids. This isn't to say all DMs are spiteful/resentful at all. However, it seems a bit taboo for a SM to admit to any problems - as if we as SM are somehow in the wrong in the first place just for being there.

My story - DPs Ex said that she liked me at first, I made a real effort to be respectful. Now she stirs up trouble even though I wasn't the OW and have now been with DP for several years. Ex -

  • ignores me totally - pointedly
  • tells her kids that I'm not their parent and they don't have to do anything I ask
  • sends the kids over to our house whenever she liked
  • undermines things I try to do with the kids
  • used to constantly phone the house when the kids were here to speak to DP about trivial things at inappropriate times
  • asked for increased maintenance after me and DP had a baby.

These aren't the worst things that I've heard on this board, and some things have got a lot better. She does love her kids. However, she just doesn't care if it works with me and DP in our household with the kids, and will happily make it more stressful. This has ultimately made it harder for her kids to accept me, and for them to feel happy with us without feeling disloyal to their mother.

DP likes to avoid confrontations too so has aquiesced in the past leaving our relationship vulnerable. She is horrible to DP if he doesn't do what she wants, but she does apologise to him afterwards as she wants to rely on him still, likes feeling that he is there for her. With me, she has never apologised and doesn't care, I'm not useful to her.

It just seems all a bit unnecessary, and totally out of my control. Do we just silently take it? Bite our lips and hope any stirring up with DSCs doesn't affect us?

OP posts:
MascaraAndConverse89 · 08/11/2015 15:03

What would be a SM doing her "absolute best"?

m1nniedriver · 08/11/2015 15:03

Because she has that title. You don't give it to her, you don't have to call her that, but that is what she is whether you acknowledge it or not. What don't YOU understand about that?

AlongcameMolly · 08/11/2015 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

m1nniedriver · 08/11/2015 15:10

Perhaps not, but your list does Biscuit

PrettyBrightFireflies · 08/11/2015 15:26

molly Do you believe that all the stepmums who have posted on this thread, and others, describing the way in which their DSC mum has behaved are lying?

I think we all understand that you wouldn't expect your DCs stepmum to do school runs, support them financially or move out of the house when the DCs visit, but do you accept there are mums who do?

If you don't - why the hell are you posting on this thread? Why argue with people that you believe are lying?

If you do accept that not all mums are like you, then why is it that you are being rude and abusive to the stepmums who are describing their experiences?

They're not talking about you - they're talking about someone else, who behaves differently to you.

m1nniedriver · 08/11/2015 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

wallywobbles · 08/11/2015 15:58

I am a step child and a step mum. I always try to meet and get on with my exh partners. They spend time with my kids why wouldn't I be nice to them.

They are important in the lives of my kids and as such deserve respect unless they put my kids at risk. Bitching about step parents is unhelpful to the kids.

m1nniedriver · 08/11/2015 16:40

Message deleted Hmm were not allowed to say why people come on here, intentionally insult those posting looking for help and advice on geuine issues . Shame Confused

wally I agree, the SC should know nothing of the issues the adults are having. It's bound to cloud their judgement and cause undue upset.

AlongcameMolly · 08/11/2015 16:56

Prettybrightfireflies
I've never accused all the sp's of lying, so stop trying to make out I have. As for me being abusive, have you not read the posts where certain posters have jumped on people like me and been quite obviously antagonistic?

It seems that as soon as certain people know your an exw, they have 'carte blanche' to accuse you of sp hating.

Minnie, YOU in particular have been quite vicious, not just to me but to other posters too, and when we've come back at you you just retaliate with your pathetic little insults, but we can't all be wrong about your aggressiveness can we? Your sp 'posse' haven't disagreed with us regarding your aggression have they?

I see you've yet again accused me of being a troll, is that the best you can do? Hmm
For the record, Prettybrightfireflies do you think that being called a 'troll' and having the 'bird flipped at you' on here is acceptable?

Funny how you've not questioned Minnies and nothes abuse isn't it?

AlongcameMolly · 08/11/2015 16:58

Btw, I didn't report the troll post as I'd have left it there so readers could see for themselves Minnies nastiness,

m1nniedriver · 08/11/2015 17:18

molly you've hi jacked a perfectly reasonable thread to insult the OP, myself and any other SP who dares react to your creepy weird attitude. I've not been vicious at all, infact I think I've shown wonderful restraint.

I'm not surprised no one else has bothered to comment. I was enjoying the banter, your just boring the shit out of me now Hmm

PrettyBrightFireflies · 08/11/2015 17:31

Prettybrightfireflies do you think that being called a 'troll' and having the 'bird flipped at you' on here is acceptable?

No, I don't. Which is why I reported it.

However, I have been neither vicious or personal in any of my posts, and yet you chose to personally attack me, make comment about my posts on other threads and make judgements about me.

You may well have been jumped on, and others may have been deliberately antagonistic towards you, but I haven't. Just because I share opinions with posters who you feel are attacking you, doesn't mean that I am as well.

I thought we might be able to have a reasonable discussion, despite the behaviour of others. But, you've ignored my questions in favour of jumping to your own defence against an attack that is not there. Asking you if you think people are lying is just that, asking - I was not trying to make out that you had said it.

AlongcameMolly · 08/11/2015 18:15

I've not been vicious at all, Infact I think I've shown wonderful restraint, so you weren't being vicious when you also called a bunch of posters on the other thread 'morons' because you didn't agree with them, even though they spoke perfect sense? Why didn't you call them this on the other thread? Is it because you know they would've quite rightly set on you, and you wouldn't have been able to bully them back without your 'posse?'
No, you just want to be a gobshite on this thread.

And now, if I'm boring the 'shit' out of you then why don't you just 'go forth and multiply?'

Prettybrightfireflies
In answer to your question, let's just say that I think it's a rareity where the ex wife is abusive towards a sp for no real reason at all.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 08/11/2015 18:25

let's just say that I think it's a rareity where the ex wife is abusive towards a sp for no real reason at all.

Is that why you joined this thread? To share your opinion that posters like the OP and others on this thread somehow deserve the hostility, abuse and in some cases criminal offences that have been committed against them by their DPs ex, because there is more likely than not a reason for the behaviour?

Why? Why would you choose to do that?

AlongcameMolly · 08/11/2015 18:32

No, I joined this thread because I wanted to, just like anyone else.

Can I ask, did you join this thread to see how many women slag off the ex wives?

m1nniedriver · 08/11/2015 18:33

The thread was deleted. I'm perfectly capable of holding my own, on my own. Calling someone a bully because they think your talking shite, and 'call you up on it, is pathetic. Next?

PrettyBrightFireflies · 08/11/2015 18:39

Well of course you wanted to, molly but why?

I posted to share my observations and experiences - both as a former stepmum, and as a mum whose exH has trampled all over any boundaries I may have had about the role of DDs SM in her life.

I know how it feels to take my DD for the dentists and see my name crossed out on the records; replaced with her DSM's details. I know how it feels to discover that while I've been at home assuming that DD was in her dads care, he was actually abroad, and DD spent that time in her DSMs care. I know how it feels to want to scream, shout and yell at my ex and his DW for the way in which they choose to parent DD.

So, I thought I had something constructive to share. What about you?

AlongcameMolly · 08/11/2015 19:01

My reasons for coming on here are personal Prettybrightfireflies, and so, with respect I shouldn't be pressed to keep answering your relentless questioning.

What I will say, is that I certainly didn't come on here to prove a point, unlike some others.

WSM123 · 08/11/2015 19:19

Wow, I missed so much over the weekend. But I did have a nice conversation with the 6 yr old SS. He told me that his mum didn't like me and that I had been married before (all true) and that I was mean to my husband (not true) and I wasn't allowed to Marry his dad for 2 months. After explaining it didn't matter if his mum liked me or not so long as he did and that he must do as his dad says at our house not what she said he decided that we should get married at xmas coz that's 2 months away (not happening), interesting how much she must say about me.
On the other side of the coin I met a lovely lady at Saturday sports who packed up her kids and took them to watch their Dad (her ex) play sport because it was in the best interests of the kids (time outside, seeing their Dad and learning sport), Why cant more mothers be that reasonable/Mature?

m1nniedriver · 08/11/2015 19:21

Duck WSM. your really gonna get it now!

hampsterdam · 08/11/2015 19:49

Well a definition of a mum is someone who loves and cares for her children, feeds them, keeps them clean, goes without if needs be to give them everything they need, brings them up to be caring responsible and independent people. My dss mum only does the first one, does that mean she's not a mum? No, it just means she's not a particularly good one.
Same with steps, there's good and bad in everyone. I want to be a better step mum, I'm already a pretty good mum. Always room for improvement, none of you are perfect.

WSM123 · 08/11/2015 19:56

hehe, Cant get worse M1nnie so I will be amused to see her response, I got a delightful text from her when she thought we got engaged (we aren't) so im sure my "wedding news" will be greeted with as much enthusiasm

PrettyBrightFireflies · 08/11/2015 19:58

My reasons for coming on here are personal Prettybrightfireflies, and so, with respect I shouldn't be pressed to keep answering your relentless questioning

I apologise.

Would you care to comment on my observation that you have subjected me to personal attack, judgement and reference to other threads?
Yes, I disagreed with your opinions. I put forward an alternative point of view. And others who share that view subjected you to personal attack.

If that is your justification for attacking me, then may I ask if you think that also justification for abusing A SM in RL? That they "deserve" the hostility, abuse and criminal behaviour because they share an opinion with someone who has abused you?

I do actually understand that point of view. Many separated parents are in conflict, and many former couples believe their ex has wronged them. So maybe it isn't a surprise that for some mums. anyone who associates with their ex, regardless of who they are, or how they conduct themselves, are automatically "tarred with the same brush".

But that is what this thread is about. The injustice of being subject to hostility from the mother of their DSC, purely because she perceives she has been wronged by her ex.

m1nniedriver · 08/11/2015 20:06

There will probably be a thread about it here. How much it's damaging the children, how selfish you and DP are getting married at Christmas, that you are only marrying him to take the children Wink

Neverenuff · 08/11/2015 20:07

a definition of a mum is someone who loves and cares for her children, feeds them, keeps them clean, goes without if needs be to give them everything they need, brings them up to be caring responsible and independent people.

A step mum however does all that and is interfering/ to involved and should step back.(according to some people)

I think as adults we all have a responsibility to ensure children are raised right. Unfortunately mum and dad sometimes split and each have different parenting views which then causes the animosity between exW and the "SM" they think the SM is going against them but really they are just doing what supports their DP. Maybe all these DPs need to have a word with the hostile ex's and tell them if that's the case.