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Step-parenting

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Original poster

How do you cope with resentful Ex of DP and DM of step kids? Does it get easier?

529 replies

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 02/11/2015 15:36

I've noticed that this has come up a few times recently on the boards here - and I don't want to start a riot! I genuinely would like to hear anyone's experiences of DM to your step kids. This isn't to say all DMs are spiteful/resentful at all. However, it seems a bit taboo for a SM to admit to any problems - as if we as SM are somehow in the wrong in the first place just for being there.

My story - DPs Ex said that she liked me at first, I made a real effort to be respectful. Now she stirs up trouble even though I wasn't the OW and have now been with DP for several years. Ex -

  • ignores me totally - pointedly
  • tells her kids that I'm not their parent and they don't have to do anything I ask
  • sends the kids over to our house whenever she liked
  • undermines things I try to do with the kids
  • used to constantly phone the house when the kids were here to speak to DP about trivial things at inappropriate times
  • asked for increased maintenance after me and DP had a baby.

These aren't the worst things that I've heard on this board, and some things have got a lot better. She does love her kids. However, she just doesn't care if it works with me and DP in our household with the kids, and will happily make it more stressful. This has ultimately made it harder for her kids to accept me, and for them to feel happy with us without feeling disloyal to their mother.

DP likes to avoid confrontations too so has aquiesced in the past leaving our relationship vulnerable. She is horrible to DP if he doesn't do what she wants, but she does apologise to him afterwards as she wants to rely on him still, likes feeling that he is there for her. With me, she has never apologised and doesn't care, I'm not useful to her.

It just seems all a bit unnecessary, and totally out of my control. Do we just silently take it? Bite our lips and hope any stirring up with DSCs doesn't affect us?

OP posts:
PrettyBrightFireflies · 08/11/2015 20:14

never I think I said on another thread (or it may have been earlier on this one) that i often wonder why it is that some exWs consider their ex's to be unable to make their own decisions, and automatically assume that it is the woman in the relationship who is "in charge" when it comes to the DCs.

IT Makes me wonder about the dynamics in their own relationships.

NotTheSpiceOfLife · 08/11/2015 20:18

You know, Pretty is the shining example of sensible debate here, right? She has given fabulous arguments on both sides in order to actually find out why people think the way they do. And her arguments are reasonable, well written, and not personal.

I'm a stepmum, a mum, a stepchild several times over and my dc have sp too. I have never knowingly overstepped the line with sdc for all the reasons mentioned. And guess what? I'm still the bad guy no matter what I do. Once, she was in hospital overnight with an unconscious partner and was alone and scared. I rang her and asked if she'd like me to go and sit with her and keep her company through the night because I felt sorry that she was alone. She was really grateful. Until the next day when everything went back to how it's always been!

I was childish earlier in the thread because I though molly was on the wind up. She clearly isn't. Scary stuff.

WSM123 · 08/11/2015 20:36

Hehe, I wait with Baited Breath. Im thankful the 6 year old was able to talk to me and seemed to understand what I said. I know he will "believe" his mothers version until he is old enough to understand how reationships work (or don't in some cases)

m1nniedriver · 08/11/2015 20:38

Where did all these grown up adult sensible posts come from Shock

AlongcameMolly · 08/11/2015 20:48

Prettybrightfireflies
You think I'm personally attacking you? Well maybe it's because I find some of your posts patronising.

You wrote previously that your unscientific perception is that some mums never had a dad themselves, or had a Saturday afternoon dad, so don't know the value that an involved dad, and a stepfamily can bring to their dcs

The way I take this is that you're saying people like me (the exwife) dont appreciate our ex's and his new family due to the fact we haven't had a father figure?
For the record, my parents are very much still together and I'm very close to both of them.

If you meant different to my interpretation then enlighten me if you want, I'm not really bothered though whether you do or not.

NotTheSpiceOfLife · 08/11/2015 21:04

See this is the thing molly - Pretty has been polite and considered... you're just being mean. I think that says far more about you than any other poster on this thread.

Thanks for proving my point beautifully though.

It does come across that you're heartily sick of posting. Perhaps you should take a break?

AlongcameMolly · 08/11/2015 21:10

How am I being mean notthe?

I'm only stating what Prettybrightfireflies wrote BECAUSE she asked why I.was apparently attacking her.
You're also being extremely hypocritical to call me mean when you have been very condescending of me and also 'flipping the bird' or have you forgotten your 'classy' gesture already?

m1nniedriver · 08/11/2015 21:24

molly i passed all your test earlier in the thread. I've ticket all the boxes for being a great SM apart from not being married to DP. So are we okay now? Flowers

fastdaytears · 08/11/2015 21:24

Oh come on I think you know you're making way too much out of that comment. You had a massive flounce then came back like a petulant child who storms out of a room then waits outside the door to hear what everyone says.

You were sworn at to see if you were still watching. It really, really wasn't a big deal. You have milked it for much more than is reasonable.

fastdaytears · 08/11/2015 21:26

Also it really isn't mean to "flip someone the bird". It's amusing in a childish way, and was an amusing response to a childish comment. You didn't find it amusing which is fine. I did and MN rules weren't broken so we'll each keep to our opinions.

Your posts are totally different to that.

NotTheSpiceOfLife · 08/11/2015 21:27

No, no, I haven't forgotten. I like to be the same here as I am in real life, and in real life, I would have flipped you the bird.

She was polite. You were not.

I'll be honest, the only person being condescending and frankly horrible, is you. I'm not sure why you keep coming back? The ACTUAL step parents were having an interesting discussion until you came back again for goodness knows what reason.

fastdaytears · 08/11/2015 21:28

This could have been such an interesting thread.

AlongcameMolly · 08/11/2015 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WSM123 · 08/11/2015 21:40

I recon everyone should ignore Molly and get on with helping each other, in between the silly shit there is some good and helpful/insightful stuff. If we utilise our shitfilters its a great thread :-)

fastdaytears · 08/11/2015 21:41

That is staggeringly offensive.

Do you think you're better than "common" people Molly. What a very endearing quality.

fastdaytears · 08/11/2015 21:42

WSM you are so right.

So no Christmas wedding for you? Shame when it has the 6 yo's blessing!

Isn't that a weird thing for his mum to make up- you having been married before. Do you think she just got the wrong end of the stick somehow?

m1nniedriver · 08/11/2015 21:43

Shitfilter - check!

NotTheSpiceOfLife · 08/11/2015 21:44

GrinGrin If only you knew. I love the anonymity of the internet, you really have no idea who you're talking to, do you?

I agree with WSM - best ignored really, like a naughty toddler. She'll soon get bored.

fastdaytears · 08/11/2015 21:44

I can't find the shitfilter button anywhere. Do you not get one if you're thick and common?

m1nniedriver · 08/11/2015 21:47

Shitfilter - off

she thinks we're all chavs, or perhsps just me, I can't really remember. She doesn't like chavs ... Or SMs

Shitfilter - on and feed put away for good, I promise!

WSM123 · 08/11/2015 21:48

Not the- I HAVE been married, the part about me being mean to my husband was wrong (she is planting the seed early so it can germinate to me Cheating on him, which I didn't, she even phoned my ex to try to convince him I had)

m1nniedriver · 08/11/2015 21:49

spice it's just as well its anonymous, can you imagine someone speaking to you like that in RL Shock to your face Angry I'd have a record, and I don't mean a music one Hmm

fastdaytears · 08/11/2015 21:50

Sorry I was muddled. As was she if we're going to be charitable.

Sorry she called your ex? WTF?

PrettyBrightFireflies · 08/11/2015 21:51

You wrote previously that your unscientific perception is that some mums never had a dad themselves, or had a Saturday afternoon dad, so don't know the value that an involved dad, and a stepfamily can bring to their dcs

The way I take this is that you're saying people like me (the exwife) dont appreciate our ex's and his new family due to the fact we haven't had a father figure?
For the record, my parents are very much still together and I'm very close to both of them.

molly Why are you choosing to identify with the mums I mentioned in my post when it clearly doesn't apply to you?
It is a true and Imdesputable fact that some mums havent had a father figure in their lives. They post on MN often. You are not one of them. So why on earth have you taken my post to refer to people like you?

I didn't know whether you personally had a father figure in your life until you shared that- my posts aren't about you, or people like you. Yet you seem to think they are?

You are an exwife, but you do not represent all ex wives, and certainly not all the comments made about specific or subsets of ex wives are applicable to you.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 08/11/2015 21:56

WSM DHs ex called my ex, too! Similarly to your situation. It was an attempt to convince him that id been having an affair, in order to justify her own.

I remember DHs DD asking me, when she was about 12, what grounds I had had to divorce my ex, and why hadn't he divorced me!