How do you cope with resentful Ex of DP and DM of step kids? Does it get easier?

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I've noticed that this has come up a few times recently on the boards here - and I don't want to start a riot! I genuinely would like to hear anyone's experiences of DM to your step kids. This isn't to say all DMs are spiteful/resentful at all. However, it seems a bit taboo for a SM to admit to any problems - as if we as SM are somehow in the wrong in the first place just for being there.

My story - DPs Ex said that she liked me at first, I made a real effort to be respectful. Now she stirs up trouble even though I wasn't the OW and have now been with DP for several years. Ex -

• ignores me totally - pointedly
• tells her kids that I'm not their parent and they don't have to do anything I ask
• sends the kids over to our house whenever she liked
• undermines things I try to do with the kids
• used to constantly phone the house when the kids were here to speak to DP about trivial things at inappropriate times
• asked for increased maintenance after me and DP had a baby.

These aren't the worst things that I've heard on this board, and some things have got a lot better. She does love her kids. However, she just doesn't care if it works with me and DP in our household with the kids, and will happily make it more stressful. This has ultimately made it harder for her kids to accept me, and for them to feel happy with us without feeling disloyal to their mother.

DP likes to avoid confrontations too so has aquiesced in the past leaving our relationship vulnerable. She is horrible to DP if he doesn't do what she wants, but she does apologise to him afterwards as she wants to rely on him still, likes feeling that he is there for her. With me, she has never apologised and doesn't care, I'm not useful to her.

It just seems all a bit unnecessary, and totally out of my control. Do we just silently take it? Bite our lips and hope any stirring up with DSCs doesn't affect us?

Shame, kind of takes away the magic from the thread

Must have been quite offensive

whogivesaflying

I wasn't going to write anything else on this thread, however, seeing as many of my posts have been deleted, I thought I'd just post this last message.

This is aimed purely to yourself and others who've not been part of the 'discussion' which led to all these deletions.

Yes, some of my last posts were fairly offensive (although, they weren't full of coarse language) and they'd been reported by someone, obviously because they didn't like what was written.

In my defence, if you or anyone else reads the thread, you will clearly see there's been lots of 'goady' messages from certain posters, which were aimed not just at me, IMO but other people too. This is why I personally retaliated.

In short, I feel I have the right to explain that, from my point of view, I was often provoked (again, only by certain posters)

Hopefully, this message won't be deleted, it shouldn't be as I'm only putting my point across reasonably!.

One more thing, I feel I've got every right to defend the reasons why I posted the messages I did. In short, I think it's fair to say, I definitely wasn't the only person being offensive.

I'm off for good now.

Yes, some of my last posts were fairly offensive (although, they weren't full of coarse language) and they'd been reported by someone, obviously because they didn't like what was written.

I love it when people say this. Swearing doesn't get your posts removed so it's not relevant whether or not you used "coarse" language. But I love that expression, sounds like someone's nan who thinks they're posh! I can't even remember what your deleted post said but it must have broken the guidelines. It didn't get deleted because a poster didn't like it.

Offensive posts get deleted and everyone else can get on with a normal discussion. Happy days.

I've read all 20 pages and Molly I must say I'm not sad to see you go as you haven't actually had anything helpful advise to give.

Your 5 or 6 or was it 7 things someone must to be called a step parent was horrible to say the least.

Let's hope we are back on topic finally now
WSM having read what you are going through I'm starting to count myself lucky. Least DHs ex only messes with us she doesn't take it further.

Hope this thread now gets back on track, it was quite productive just after a rocky start.

In cases where an exW is hostile/abusive, it can help a stepmum to "cope" if they can recognise a pattern of behaviour.

DH has realised, after several years, that his exW applies to court to stop contact with his DCs when she is experiencing difficulties at work. (We live in a small community with mutual acquaintances and friends, and a local paper which prints the gory details of external professional disciplinary hearings, so it has been possible to piece this together over time).
DHs ex also significantly increases the level of contact she insists DH has with her about issues unrelated to the DCs at times when the DCs are transitioning through milestone life events - changing schools, leaving home etc. She excludes him from the DCs life, but makes contact about unrelated matters and expects him to engage with her. We've begun to predict this now, and do plan our own lives around what we think might happen to minimise the impact on us, and more importantly, on the DCs.

Others on this thread have said that the level of hostility reduces when the ex is in a relationship, for instance, so a breakdown of the exW's relationship can lead to drama for the stepmums family, for instance.

I'm not saying it's always the case, but I think it can help stepmums cope with what is happening in their lives if they can anticipate it. You might not always be right, but that doesn't actually matter - it'll be a pleasant surprise when there isn't any drama!

Pretty That is a really useful point, recognising behaviour, and your situation sounds really tough. That you and your DP have been able to stick together and keep your sanity is pretty admirable. I find it interesting that you and your DP do have a good level of trust with each other to talk about this and tackle it together.

My DP has said that he tries to be passive and not retaliate with his EX wife, but also unfortunately hides her demands now and just does them, or I'm left to do them. This has alleviated anger from EX towards him but not towards me, which he just shrugs off as 'oh well she does really resent you but what do we care about that'. I also think it is DPs way of trying to shield me, but it may be better if I knew when to expect a torrent of calls to DP or DSCs being funny with me and not knowing why. However I do think we have had most demands when EX is bored and lonely - she's said herself that she goes a bit nuts when bored. She works part-time on weekends, and the kids are all out at school in week days so there is a lot of time doing nothing perhaps.

It also helps to understand how people are generally. DPs EX has fallen out with most people outside of her family. Her and DSCs have lots of fights but then make up afterwards. I'm 'outside' of the circle that she has but DP still is 'inside' her circle as it were, so she will apologise to him but will not tolerate me.

vey good point PRETTY, and yes some of my partners ex's behaviour is predictable, Every year when it would have been their anniversary she gets worse, she also "pretends" to be nice every time there is an appointment with mediation due (still in the process 2 years on) but she cant keep it up and has a massive wobbly to make up for it.
Other things are totally random but at least the predictable bits are dealt with easily.
Bananas, agree again she stopped contact with any of her friends who stood up for my partner or god forbid speaks to him still and draws "justification" for her behaviour from those who agree he is nasty/abusive/controlling Blah blah blah .

So nice to have the discussion back on topic :-)

I really do wonder (worry about?) what my DH's ex would be like if she split with her DP. When she met him she calmed down a lot, and they have been together for about 6 years now.
She just has the odd whinge every now and again and can be a bit cheeky sometimes when she wants a favour off me relating to childcare, but she could be worse!

IMO it depends on how good their relationship is too, My partners ex hooked up with her partner with in 3 weeks of their split and moved in a week later (yet im the problem but that's another story) and she she doesn't seem to even like him, she is totally obsessed with my partner still, his family have even said she would ditch her new BF and take him back in a heart beat (I agree), I actually feel sorry for the guy, it must suck living with someone who is obsessed with their ex still.

Oh yeah and NZ in response to your earlier post, about how my partners ex involves outsiders, she even called the police to our house one evening because when he said "i want to end this shit" meaning their argument/ responding to her ramblings she decided he was going to kill himself

The other way I've found helps if ex drags other people into the situation is to react as neutrally as you can.

We've had, for instance, Social Workers arrive on the doorstep unannounced due to things ex has said, and been turned away at the school gate by the HT due to her allegations, but we try not to get defensive and deny it. If you can, welcome the opportunity for external professionals to judge for themselves, because very often they draw the correct conclusion (that the ex is causing trouble) for themselves, whereas if dad or stepmum had suggested that was the motive, the professionals are more likely to conclude its a he-said/she-said situation and avoid getting involved.

Agree totally PRETTY, the lovely police who turned up at our place quite rightly guessed she would fit in well on a letterman show.
I just felt bed for wasting their time

WSM wow that sounds quite extreme! My DPs sister has similar, her DPs EX cheated on him and left him. But things aren't working now a few years down the line, so she's been sending her DP quite nasty emails/texts etc because her own relationship is breaking down.

Pretty I can't believe how crazily tough it has been for you, with social workers being involved or being turned away at the school gate. That is really extreme behaviour, I hope I don't sound patronising to the Ex here but it sounds like she is behaving so extremely I wonder how stable she is? That would be worrying thinking for your DP thinking that his EX is behaving like that and yet bringing up his kids. Neutrality sounds very sensible.

WSM I think there may be something in that, my DPs EX has had boyfriends since they separated, now 10 years ago, but none that she lives with and she still calls on DP for so many trivial things. I remember the DSCs saying that they'd been out for her birthday last year with her long distance BG, and saying it was a great laugh as EX was regailing them all with tales of how she and my DP (her Ex husband) met... I too remember thinking, her BF must have hated that.

I wonder how stable she is? That would be worrying thinking for your DP thinking that his EX is behaving like that and yet bringing up his kids.

She holds down an incredibly responsible job, so is capable of rational behaviour, (all be it she seems to be involved in a disproportionately high number of scandals and investigations) but it's clear she doesn't think it's necessary to remain reasonable where DH and I are concerned.
She has lost it once or twice in court apparently; and gradually the support she has from professionals who "favoured the mother" has dwindled - DH has remained calm, reasonable and child-focused throughout (I haven't, but have stayed out of the way for most of the time!) . Even my ex, (who has a very dodgy record when it comes to judgement of character and initially welcomed her involvement) has now realised she's not motivated by what's best for her kids.

DH picks his battles - when he believes it will significantly impact on the DCs future, he'll get involved to try and dilute her influence, but day to day, he has accepted that his kids will be damaged.

Pretty I'm glad that there is rationality there in her job and kids to an extent. It is a bit scary how a relationship can become volatile and just seem to stay that way. It is like your DPs EX crossed some lines of rationality and behaviour with your DP and now she has, will just cross them again. Like the dynamics in a domestic abuse case (I'm not saying there is violence here) - but they say when person has hit their partner once that this will usually escalate.

DPs EX would fly off the handle to him in a way I she would never do with people outside of the family or at work - and when she started with me I found it quite scary - so much venom so suddenly and then the 'silent treatment' - which I would say was not provoked by any outrageous action on my part (I asked for advance notice of kids turning up). Someone who didn't know me at all firing off. I think she had been doing this for so long to DP that she honestly doesn't realise how awful it is.

I wonder about my partners ex also, I don't think she would be harmful to the kids but she doesn't have a job, "homeschools" (using the term loosely as she doesn't seem to teach much), spends most of her time texting essays to my partner (and sometimes me), lives with her mum, brother, BF and a boarder (full house)
Despite no job she is too busy to get the little ones speech assessed (hopefully its only speech and not more) or toilet train him. Also too busy to take them for hair cuts (and this week chucking a spaz because we did).
She has a history of attempted suicide and other questionable behaviour. My Partner used to see the same GP as her and tried to request a mental assessment but was ignored.

I'm new to this site, though have lurked a bit recently so I'm hoping I have the various terminologies correct - apologies if it's all wrong!

I've watched this thread with interest as I'm a Mum who has a child with a SM, and I have DSCs living with me full-time - so I have different points of view depending on what ‘role’ I'm in.

Things have calmed down a lot with the exW, although I now live in a state of permanent readiness waiting for the next lot of trouble she will kick off. In the early days when I talked to family and friends I could see they sometimes didn't really believe what I was saying as it was so horrible, now everyone close to me knows how she behaves and is used to it. But overall it has improved.

The thing that stands out as absolutely the worst was when she told the DSCs that I didn't love them. Why would anyone say that to a child, and a young child at that? It hurt me, but it damaged them, and I've never really understood what that was about, or what it sought to achieve.

I've found the lies awful to deal with as she's said stuff to so many people. An earlier poster mentioned that it helps when professionals see for themselves what is really going on, they never really believe it if you try to tackle the lies head on. This cuts both ways; its awful if the person who’s been lied to never catches the liar telling the lies so continues to believe them. When the exW has been caught out we've benefitted from an improved relationship with those professionals who've seen us maintain a dignified position. But it's so hard not to sink to that level and respond negatively and defend yourself when awful untrue stuff is being said about you.

There is definitely a pattern and I am now able to spot things on the horizon. Understanding the triggers helps as I'm then prepared. The main difficulty now is the erratic behaviour - typically this is an inconvenience to me in my daily care of the DSCs, but is often difficult, and ocasionally, devastating for them. I find the hurt to them very hard to handle but as I'm not their mother I have to let it go.

Right now I'm just clinging on to the thought that the behaviour IS gradually improving (will be sorted by the time the DSCs leave home!), and also that there are two sides to every story.

WSM there's no need to give out because you got them a haircut!

Thanks sneeze for a nice balanced side. I hope things will slowly improve for everyone on this thread as it has for you.

Things have calmed down a lot with the exW, although I now live in a state of permanent readiness waiting for the next lot of trouble she will kick off. Sneezie that sounds really hard! Good point about strategies for keeping calm, understand triggers.

The other thing that strikes me, is how do you keep stable yourself when someone is being quite extreme. Even if it happened at work there is the option of leaving your job. But a parent/ex of partner with kids, they are always there.

The other thing that strikes me, is how do you keep stable yourself when someone is being quite extreme. Even if it happened at work there is the option of leaving your job. But a parent/ex of partner with kids, they are always there.

We both access counselling - sometimes together, sometimes separately. We don't go all the time, just when one or other of us is struggling with a particular incident or drama.

I read a brilliant comment on here a few years ago from a poster who said they diarised specific time with their DP to talk/discuss the issues regarding the difficult ex (Iirc they were embroiled in a drawn out court case) and they actually went into the garage to have that conversation!
It ensured that the ex didn't dominate family life and conversation - and by moving out of the living area of the home, it was treated as a specific task to be addressed and then set to one side.

What a brilliant idea Pretty - keeps it as an 'outside' task. Great idea!

went into the garage to have that conversation - that is a good idea Pretty! A lot of advice here is often 'detach' - whether it is from EXs, DSCs, SMs even - although I've never heard of going into the garage!