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Step-parenting

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Original poster

How do you cope with resentful Ex of DP and DM of step kids? Does it get easier?

529 replies

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 02/11/2015 15:36

I've noticed that this has come up a few times recently on the boards here - and I don't want to start a riot! I genuinely would like to hear anyone's experiences of DM to your step kids. This isn't to say all DMs are spiteful/resentful at all. However, it seems a bit taboo for a SM to admit to any problems - as if we as SM are somehow in the wrong in the first place just for being there.

My story - DPs Ex said that she liked me at first, I made a real effort to be respectful. Now she stirs up trouble even though I wasn't the OW and have now been with DP for several years. Ex -

  • ignores me totally - pointedly
  • tells her kids that I'm not their parent and they don't have to do anything I ask
  • sends the kids over to our house whenever she liked
  • undermines things I try to do with the kids
  • used to constantly phone the house when the kids were here to speak to DP about trivial things at inappropriate times
  • asked for increased maintenance after me and DP had a baby.

These aren't the worst things that I've heard on this board, and some things have got a lot better. She does love her kids. However, she just doesn't care if it works with me and DP in our household with the kids, and will happily make it more stressful. This has ultimately made it harder for her kids to accept me, and for them to feel happy with us without feeling disloyal to their mother.

DP likes to avoid confrontations too so has aquiesced in the past leaving our relationship vulnerable. She is horrible to DP if he doesn't do what she wants, but she does apologise to him afterwards as she wants to rely on him still, likes feeling that he is there for her. With me, she has never apologised and doesn't care, I'm not useful to her.

It just seems all a bit unnecessary, and totally out of my control. Do we just silently take it? Bite our lips and hope any stirring up with DSCs doesn't affect us?

OP posts:
AlongcameMolly · 08/11/2015 13:46

and she wants dp me to buy all their fucking presents

What a lovely attitude you have of your dd's children Hmm

m1nniedriver · 08/11/2015 13:46

molly you seem to be the only people left on a SP thread obsessively insulting SPs in general. Bit creepy Hmm

m1nniedriver · 08/11/2015 13:48

I do, I have no problem with them. They're mothers behaviour or lack of it isn't their fault.

m1nniedriver · 08/11/2015 13:51

that reminds me, who did I lend my dumb and dumber dvd to I wonder?

Perhaps you lent it to one of your friends on your group chat Grin they sound great craic, I'm sure they'd love that film

AlongcameMolly · 08/11/2015 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 08/11/2015 13:58

And it's extremely clear Prettybrightfireflies that some sp's are hostile and abusive about the ex wives

molly of course they are! No one has ever claimed that all SM are perfect, where did you get that impression from?

What I don't understand is why, every time a stepmum refers to their personal experiences, there are a minority of posters who take it so personally. There are crap mothers, stepmothers, fathers, teachers, doctors...you name it, there are good and bad of everything. If someone starts a post about poor medical care they've had, you don't see posters saying - you're talking bollocks, I'm a good nurse, and some librarians are shit, too.

Some posters can't seem to avoid identifying with all mothers. But everyone's experience is unique. Sharing it isn't preaching, or talking bollocks.

It's shame that the posts on these threads become so personal and insulting, as I'd welcome the opportunity to discuss and debate the issues openly. Maybe MN isn't the forum for that - can anyone recommend anywhere else?

AlongcameMolly · 08/11/2015 14:01

perhaps you lent it to one of your friends on your group chat they sound great craig, I'm sure they'd love that film

Another example of you not noting what's being written! It was PinkGinny who was talking about her group chat.

m1nniedriver · 08/11/2015 14:08

YOU'RE not a stepmother either! No matter how much you think you are
And the reason why that is, it's because your dps children already have their own mother!

Say what? Are you suggesting there is no such thing as stepmothers?

*perhaps you lent it to one of your friends on your group chat they sound great craig, I'm sure they'd love that film

Another example of you not noting what's being written! It was PinkGinny who was talking about her group chat.*

Your right. I think it's because your chat is so similar. Perhaps I was distracted listening to Justin Beiber Hmm

AlongcameMolly · 08/11/2015 14:16

Are you saying there's no such thing as stepmothers?

Yes, there ARE stepmothers. But as I've already pointed out, this title shouldn't be used flippantly across the whole spectrum of women who partner men who have children.
In my view

m1nniedriver · 08/11/2015 14:18

So when are these GF/DP/DW allowed to refer to themselves as step parents ... In your opinion?Confused

AlongcameMolly · 08/11/2015 14:24

Posted too soon
In my view, someone should only be considered a stepmother if
A) she's married to the children's father AND does her best to ensure the children aren't excluded by her in their own fathers home and encourages a relationship between the children and their father.
B) the children's real mum AND the children are happy for dads wife to be called stepmother
C) the 'step mother' doesn't badmouth the children's REAL mum, which obviously leads to resentment.

Minnie you are merely the girlfriend and you badmouth the mum (constantly) and you're attitude regarding the 'fucking presents' shows, to me, that YOU don't deserve this title.

fastdaytears · 08/11/2015 14:25

Sorry the children's mum has to agree to their dad's wife being called "stepmum"? That's a little bit extreme isn't it?

AlongcameMolly · 08/11/2015 14:26

Oh I forgot
D) she doesn't treat the children as an inconvenience.
E) she doesn't get pissed off with the fact her man should pay a DECENT amount of child support for his children

AlongcameMolly · 08/11/2015 14:28

Read point B) properly fastday, it includes the childrens point of view too.

MascaraAndConverse89 · 08/11/2015 14:30

Molly There is a clear difference between a Mother and a STEPMother. They are completely different people to a child.

Just dad's girlfriend/wife, but expected to take the children to appointments/ do school runs/ take them to their hobbies/ cook for them/ clean their clothes/ go to parents evening/ take interest in their school work/ go to school plays/ clean up sick/ nurse the child when ill.

Like you say, they have a mum. She can bloody do it. If the parents are at work then oh well. I'm not lifting a finger because it ain't my kid.

fastdaytears · 08/11/2015 14:32

I have no problem with the children but which is why I didn't mention it.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 08/11/2015 14:40

molly I admire you for trying to redefine what at stepparent is on the step parenting board of possibly the largest parenting forum in the UK, but don't you think that's a tad, well, ambitious?

The OED clearly defines step mums - society has adapted the term to suit modern living, and even government guidance to providers of children's services uses the term.

Campaigning to alter it to meet your own understanding may be an admirable cause, but ultimately, futile.

m1nniedriver · 08/11/2015 14:44

Okay molly thankfully society doesn't agree with your 'list' of requirements Grin

A. Marriage is but a piece of paper. Thankfully society recognises that now.

B. I can call myself whatever I like, I don't need anyone's permission, least of all a woman who doesn't know me. My SC call me 'minnie' and introduce me as their SM. Perhaps I should correct them Hmm

C. so standing up for yourself means your not a SM. Who knew Hmm

D. Actually agree with that to a point. Someone who does that can still be a SM, just not a good one.

E. Again, agree but I'm not sure who decides what a DECENT amount is? Again still a SM, possibly not a good one. You do know some SMs help financially towards maintenence don't you? I have, on many occasions.

HTH

MascaraAndConverse89 · 08/11/2015 14:47

Oops I forgot that one!

Just dad's/wife girlfriend but expected to financially support the children whether when with their dad or with their mum. They could save a lot of money if they just didn't bother.

MascaraAndConverse89 · 08/11/2015 14:49

Think of the nice shoes they could buy :)

AlongcameMolly · 08/11/2015 14:51

Prettybrightfireflies, it's my OWN opinion, why don't you get that?

Mascarandconverse
Which mums expect dads partner to do the school runs, appointments etc?

I don't know anyone who would, I certainly wouldve expected to do this myself or expected my ex partner to do it.

The 'sps' who choose to do things like this aren't being forced to are they?

Besides, some may indeed feed and help with homework etc whilst the children are at their house during visitation, but SOME of these same women may also help their partners to hide their income in order to not pay the correct amount of maintenance, for example. And SOME of these same women may be badmouthing their the children's mum constantly infront of the children.
Therefore, unless someone has the whole package, then they shouldnt be labelled as stepmothers!

That's only my opinion.

MascaraAndConverse89 · 08/11/2015 14:55

Well, my DH's ex certainly expects me to do the school runs when DH is at work and it's his turn to have DSC. She even thought I would do the school runs for her when she compressed her hours (Grinhaha)

And didn't you say up thread that if a dad is working then the "dad's gf/wife" should be doing these things?

fastdaytears · 08/11/2015 14:57

I think people do get that it's your opinion but it's not really clear why you're sharing it. You haven't been asked.

Step-mum is a pretty widely understood term and I'm not sure that the definition is the issue here.

Step-mums should all do (or not do) all the things you say. They won't all. What would be best is that no relationships involving children ever broke down. That won't happen either though and most people are just trying to make the best of it all.

Some step-mums are awful and so are some REAL (I'm using your capitals and terminology) mums. Doesn't everyone agree on that?

m1nniedriver · 08/11/2015 14:59

Whoooop, I have the whole package Grin I might get s badge made Wink I'll make a batch, for all the fantastic SMs I meet Grin

AlongcameMolly · 08/11/2015 15:01

No Mascarandconverse
I said that in the scenario on the other thread, the Op should have to do appointments etc IF she doesn't want her dh to cut down his hours ( which he should do)

One more thing, as a mum, I do my absolute best for my children, and take as much care of their welfare as possible.
Why should someone else have the title of stepmother if she doesn't do her absolute best also, for my children?

I