How do you cope with resentful Ex of DP and DM of step kids? Does it get easier?

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I've noticed that this has come up a few times recently on the boards here - and I don't want to start a riot! I genuinely would like to hear anyone's experiences of DM to your step kids. This isn't to say all DMs are spiteful/resentful at all. However, it seems a bit taboo for a SM to admit to any problems - as if we as SM are somehow in the wrong in the first place just for being there.

My story - DPs Ex said that she liked me at first, I made a real effort to be respectful. Now she stirs up trouble even though I wasn't the OW and have now been with DP for several years. Ex -

• ignores me totally - pointedly
• tells her kids that I'm not their parent and they don't have to do anything I ask
• sends the kids over to our house whenever she liked
• undermines things I try to do with the kids
• used to constantly phone the house when the kids were here to speak to DP about trivial things at inappropriate times
• asked for increased maintenance after me and DP had a baby.

These aren't the worst things that I've heard on this board, and some things have got a lot better. She does love her kids. However, she just doesn't care if it works with me and DP in our household with the kids, and will happily make it more stressful. This has ultimately made it harder for her kids to accept me, and for them to feel happy with us without feeling disloyal to their mother.

DP likes to avoid confrontations too so has aquiesced in the past leaving our relationship vulnerable. She is horrible to DP if he doesn't do what she wants, but she does apologise to him afterwards as she wants to rely on him still, likes feeling that he is there for her. With me, she has never apologised and doesn't care, I'm not useful to her.

It just seems all a bit unnecessary, and totally out of my control. Do we just silently take it? Bite our lips and hope any stirring up with DSCs doesn't affect us?

Yes! And you don't get rows between birth parents and adoptive parents on the adoption board. Or between parents and teachers on the staff room board.

Can you imagine if I went on Staffroom to have a whinge about horrid teachers I know?

Oh my. This is getting utterly hilarious now. Would either of you mind, if I shared some of this drivel on a group chat with my friends - just for the craic?

Mmm - find me an inflammatory statement by an adoptive parent on a birth parent?

You could try Staffroom for some advise on how to interpret English Fast? To be fair I don't have the patience for it.

Absolutely, I don't mind at all share away with your exw club at your discretion .

You absolutely have my permission to share.

PinkGinny? It's advice HTH x

Thank you for the permission, just wanted to check first. Does that fact none of those friends are ex-wives or that some are male alter your position? Hope not as much fun is being had. Flowers much appreciated too.

Notthespice also thanks. Wee autocorrect fail there, your value add contribution did indeed help. I'll be more careful in future.

Nope no change here. Make, female, not in to binary gender, married, single, assexual, adulterous, stepparent, childless. If they're your friends then I'm sure they're fab and if they will get some amusement then share away.

Make! Not autocorrect fail just fat fingers.

Theseare - If you have concerns about harm and can see clearly a negative effect then I would feel totally the same. Although I'm not sure why your DP will not tell his wife what has happened and why - she needs to know the effect she has had?

leopard Thanks, me and DP have tried a number of things over the years like you have said. We've explained about being disrespectful to all of them (mine too), tried to be fair in the house. There has been some level of harmony for a while. My DSCs are all older teenagers and young adults now. It got loads better from the start, but there has always been some 'playing off', some issue that then gets stirred up.

the fact none of those friends are ex-wives or that some are male

Of course they are. Have some sympathy for your mixed group of married fictionalmates you guys sound great 'craic'

So fastday, notthe and Minnie are still throwing their weight around, theres a surprise

I wasn't going to pop back but thought I would. notthe and Minnie "flipping the bird at me hey? How classy!

I think the last time I saw that 'gesture' i was walking down the local high street on a Saturday night and a couple of rough women (who clearly belonged to the white stiletto brigade) were mouthing off and 'flipping the bird' to all and sundry. It wasnt you two was it?
I think gestures like this only cheapen people.

Minnie, I also came back as I'm not a 'troll' (Infact I've been around MN for a very long time) and you're accusations of trolling show a real immaturity and cluelessness.
I think it's fair to say that you DO display a lot of aggression on here if someone has a different opinion to you, that also shows immaturity.
In addition, if you speak with such poison to your dp about his exw then no wonder she dislikes you.( she most probably doesnt want you near her children also because you sound like a chav you seem to want to take over the role of 'parenting' her children and they already have two parents.
Maybe one day you'll calm down when you have your own children with your dp that's if he hasn't seen the light and run off instead and life will seem happier for you.

Exw has actually thanked me for not doing that in the past so, that's a no from me molly. Probably just before the eldest last birthday funnily enough

I am their parent, their step parent oh and welcome back, i missed you. We all did

Welcome back.

I'm not sure you can have been on MN all that long as we all know how brutal the grammar police can be round here.

Obviously your comments about m1nnie and her relationship are offensive and aren't really helping the OP. I doubt m1nnie will lose loads of sleep over it though.

can't believe you came all the way back to call me a chav love it!

Hey, my motto is, if you're gonna dish it out then prepare to get it back

It's a bit off topic but are we allowed to call people chavs any more? Isn't it a bit not right? Hmm off to google it now.

Don't worry fast beheadings, murders, Tories, they offend me. Molly amuses me. If it gives the poor RL SM a break from her I'll take 1 for the team

Ah I'm glad I amuse you Minnie, I guess it also takes your mind off your dps ex!

It makes me appreciate her her bitterness pales into insignificance compared to some. A feat I didn't think was possible.

her bitterness pales into insignificance compared to some, well like I said upthread, maybe one day you'll calm down (and be less bitter)

Ach your comebacks are shite now, shame, I was quite enjoying it

I'm away to forment with my glass of wine, obsess about DPs ex and check on my SC in a non parenting type of way

DON'T TOUCH THE CHILDREN, THEY ARE NOT YOURS m1nniedriver

For the record, it wasn't a comment on stepparents as whole, more the suitability of a particular subset to pontificate on the behaviours and impacts of others in such a relationship.

How big was the subset, pink?

Cuz if it was, say, a subset of one, then that would be a targeted personal attack, wouldn't it?

True story spice, if they were mine I would have them much better trained! Feral I tell you

stop it Minnie slaps own hand

pretty