How do you cope with resentful Ex of DP and DM of step kids? Does it get easier?

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I've noticed that this has come up a few times recently on the boards here - and I don't want to start a riot! I genuinely would like to hear anyone's experiences of DM to your step kids. This isn't to say all DMs are spiteful/resentful at all. However, it seems a bit taboo for a SM to admit to any problems - as if we as SM are somehow in the wrong in the first place just for being there.

My story - DPs Ex said that she liked me at first, I made a real effort to be respectful. Now she stirs up trouble even though I wasn't the OW and have now been with DP for several years. Ex -

• ignores me totally - pointedly
• tells her kids that I'm not their parent and they don't have to do anything I ask
• sends the kids over to our house whenever she liked
• undermines things I try to do with the kids
• used to constantly phone the house when the kids were here to speak to DP about trivial things at inappropriate times
• asked for increased maintenance after me and DP had a baby.

These aren't the worst things that I've heard on this board, and some things have got a lot better. She does love her kids. However, she just doesn't care if it works with me and DP in our household with the kids, and will happily make it more stressful. This has ultimately made it harder for her kids to accept me, and for them to feel happy with us without feeling disloyal to their mother.

DP likes to avoid confrontations too so has aquiesced in the past leaving our relationship vulnerable. She is horrible to DP if he doesn't do what she wants, but she does apologise to him afterwards as she wants to rely on him still, likes feeling that he is there for her. With me, she has never apologised and doesn't care, I'm not useful to her.

It just seems all a bit unnecessary, and totally out of my control. Do we just silently take it? Bite our lips and hope any stirring up with DSCs doesn't affect us?

Wow, I've never ventured into this part of the board before but as it was in active, I clicked.

I'm a completely impartial observer here as I have no step children nor do my children have a step mother so no axe either way. I won't post back so feel free to bully away but I have to comment that M1nnie, your posting style is appallingly aggressive and rude. You also come across as very immature and goady with your constant use of the word 'bitch'. On any other part of the board you would have been flamed for that. Very girls' school 6th form common room stuff.

I couldn't agree more, it's been very childish and immature although you obviously haven't read the whole thread if you think I was the instigator Fighting fire with fire so to speak. I'm not usually aggressive, I'm pretty chilled and I'm not a bully. I will retaliate if i can be arsed when my lifestyle is attacked. Feel free to come back anytime, it's actually a very interesting part if the board when it's not hijacked by angry ex wives

This is MN- how would m1nnie have been flamed for "bitch"? Not exactly crime of the century. No idea why she's been singled out in what is a pretty large scale bun fight now.

Bring it on, when live throws buns make a burger

life obviously! Classy SM burgers of course.

Thank you for apologising fastday. No, she can't make sense of it, she's a child. When I read on this thread how grown women are struggling with someone in their lives who is resentful and jealous I really worry about the effect it's had on someone so young. She's having counselling.

Bananas I'm not sure what you think the ex hasn't been told? She knows exactly what that particular issue is. He has pulled her up on her behaviour towards dd, and she knows that both dd and I am unhappy about it too. It didn't stop her she just got worse.

I think that this thread is a perfect example how easy it is to let your feelings can get the better of you and act in a way that you feel isn't you, but do so through provocation.

Isn't this exactly what happens that results in SP/ex conflict in many occasions? The line between being defensive/being aggressive is often grey.

If there is anything to learn from this thread is how easy we can let our emotions overule our head and that when it comes to dealing with all the difficult aspect of being a SP/ex, the best thing we can do is take a step back, even if it means swallowing our pride. It's hard, but does pay off in the long term.

I quite enjoyed it must be the evil chav bitch in me, she doesn't get out often

I quite enjoyed it, must be the evil chav bitch in me
Minnie, I don't think you were describing yourself very fairly there, you didn't include the words 'childish', 'aggressive', and 'know it all' in your description.

jesus you're like an annoying fly you seem slightly obsessed molly

These Oh I thought SM hadn't known how her behaviour was affecting DD. And yet she hasn't changed? That's pretty awful.

"You're like an annoying fly"
Well you know what flies swarm around don't you!

swing very wise words there! It is so easy to feel emotional or defensive and these things spiral upwards. We feel like that about our families at the best of times, I get cross if my own mother oversteps the mark with my kid! (Only joking, she is lovely).

I guess also that most couples when they separate with kids don't really separate fully for quite a while. Old habits and all that. The Ex husband might still fix things in ex wifes house, linger at handovers, Ex wife has built up bonds with Ex husbands family, still manage the kids even at their Dads separate house e.g. organising clubs for them on those days. It's all normal and human.

And then a strange (SM) parachutes in - tests everyones loyalties and points of view, suddenly the place of 'Mum' or maternal head of household is challenged, is it any wonder sparks fly! But it's not the SMs fault!

yeah they swarm around shit Molly is that what it is?

I think in some situations banana it wouldn't matter what a SM does or doesnt do. DP said to me once that the early resentment shown by his ex (and her family) would have happened anyway no matter what I said or did. Exactly like you have said, although they were apart She still controlled him and had him running about (like a blue arse fly) after her. If he didn't answer her calls she demanded to know where he had been for example. He was with someone before me (although she never met the kids) and she was treated terribly by his ex, who clearly didn't like him putting her down his list of priorities. The reason she ended the relationship I'm told. I love him too much to let her do that to us so I persisted. Seems like it's starting to pay off now . It's true. Some don't want the husband but they don't want anyone else to have him either, or they realise what they had when it's too late.

Some don't want the husband but they don't want anyone else to have him either, or they realise what they had when it's too late. So true Minnie! Well in my case anyway. Her telling the kids not to listen to me is a clear way of asserting that 'she' has the power. It is probably all a bit 'primal' in many ways. She used to just come around the house with a key!!! She would text DP and tell him that 'he was the best Ex Husband Ever!'.

There was a point I considered splitting, and EX was part of that reason as of course, my DP should have been protecting me and putting up a barrier between them, but he just wanted a peaceful life.

I think if she had married again it might be easier? Not sure.

Set up a profile on a dating site for her. I really noticed a pattern with the ex. Any time she was seeing someone getting it she chilled out a lot. Alas they never seem to hang around for long

If the first wife had a bad time of it with the dad, the chances of the 2nd one being treated better are about nil ; plus the 2nd has the thankless task of looking after the 1st one's kids whenever the dad has visitation and the dad has far less income available for the 2nd . So I'm not surprised by the pent up anger and resentment that is exploding thru out this thread. Sorry for the kids.

(If) the 1st wife had a bad time? Certsinly not the case for DPs ex I can't speak for anyone else's.

suddenly the place of 'Mum' or maternal head of household is challenged, is it any wonder sparks fly!

says it all. why is there challenge? there are two households. no challenge.

If the first wife had a bad time of it with the dad, the chances of the 2nd one being treated better are about nil

So it's only formerly abused wives who make their DCs SMs lives hell?

My husband could never say he loved his ex, by his own admission he wasn't a very good partner to her because of that. He let work slip and they made ends meet. Now he's in a loving marriage (was never married to her) works hard and is better off. His first kids feel that benefit too. So amarmai what you said is complete bollocks

If we SMs are not parents and don't have rights to parent these children why on another thread in here is everyone telling the poster that they are a parent to this child???no wonder step'parents' are struggling. One minute you're supposed to parent these children and the next your not the parent so butt out.

I'm off for more booze.

Neverenuff As the saying goes...

You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

It's an absolute minefield.

And then a strange (SM) parachutes in - tests everyones loyalties and points of view, suddenly the place of 'Mum' or maternal head of household is challenged, is it any wonder sparks fly! But it's not the SMs fault!

Thanks Banana. I totally agree with this but it is hard not associate change with fault.

I think if she had married again it might be easier? Not sure.
I would say this is highly likely. I will be completely honest, I put down to three factors the fact that I don't feel any negative feelings towards the kids' SM (by the way, they are not married, but to me it makes no difference at all, she is my kids' SM).
The first is that the kids have grown older and with that, my maternal sense of protection has subsided. I trust that they will make their own judgement and am therefore less concerned about them being influenced (by anyone, including myself!). She is lovely to them and treats them well, so don't have any concerns anymore.
The second is that when OH got with ex, she didn't work and lived off benefits, even though she only had her children who were over the age of 5 half of the time only. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of respect for such women (can't help it, my grand mother was a single mum and work, so was my mum, so am I, so a bit ingrained in me!). However, she did start to work a few years ago, and now even works full-time and is the main breadwinner. That has certainly brought respect respectively.
The third and main one though is that I met my wonderful husband and will always be massively grateful that he came in my life at the time he did. How could I feel any bitterness and resentment when if it wasn't for the situation, I wouldn't be sharing my life with him? What this meant is that it became a lot easier not to let things upset me as they did before. It was still hard at times, but not only was I able to share it with OH, but being with him made it easier to get distracted.

So yes, unfortunately for you, I would think it is a pity that she hasn't married again.